Rescue Me: The Game Plan

With Rescue Me finally and painfully winding down, it’s closure and surprise time.

And so! Franco’s a boxer – remember? It’s Fight Night: Puerto Rican Pillow Lips versus stunt opponent, The Lesbian (no, it’s not Carla, and that’s why this fight is a hundred times less interesting than it could have been). Franco’s new doubts result in a disappointing fight; the crowd becomes disruptive and a large bar fight breaks out. The crew books it out of there, the match stops, and Franco decides right then that he’s over being a boxer. And…scene.

Over in the world of Apache Stone, Mike and the band play for Kelly’s record exec friend (under the new band name, The DBs. Guess what the initials stand for?). Mike has some performance issues to work out, such as crowd interaction and basic motor skills. The exec loves the band but hates Mike, and offers to sign the other members. Damien declines, since he joined the band to get women (he uses another word), and his job as fireman is bringing in all the “women” he can handle. The rest of the band, however, signs up with the exec, and Mike is now bandless, and, presumably next week, hairless. Good-bye Apache Stone!

Now to Kelly (Maura Tierney), who decides to rescind her part-time lover offer from last week. She ditches Tommy entirely in favor of Damien. Angry Tommy shows up at her apartment, they make out a little, she tries to kick him out, and Tommy refuses to leave until he finds out what’s in the silver case. She doesn’t open it for us to see, but pulls out a baby picture. She explains that her daughter died when she was an infant from a heart defect. Well, now we can guess where her attitude comes from. Tommy shares the story of Connor’s death, but Kelly doesn’t want to hear it. However, in a nice moment, Tommy refuses to leave until she relents and allows him to stay. Whether they like it or not, they’re partners in an exclusive club.

A failed Ponzi schemer attempts suicide by jumping off of a bridge, and with the negotiator running late, our crew steps in. Black Shawn has more than five lines this week as he volunteers to make contact. Tommy and Franco back him up, and though Shawn makes some progress, he offers his coat to the jumper and the man falls off the bridge and dies. Naturally, the team is crushed, Shawn in particular.

Tommy returns home later to hear Colleen hysterically crying and finds Black Shawn on the balcony, drinking. They share a father/son moment (at least, that’s how Shawn takes it) when Shawn yells at Tommy for upsetting Colleen – Tommy dealt with death and mayhem through the years by turning to the bottle and a skirt; Colleen naturally thinks that Shawn will do the same. Tommy convinces Shawn to man up, break the cycle and go inside and console Colleen in the way that Tommy never did. And Shawn does. It was slightly more interesting than what I just wrote, because I nearly just put myself to sleep recapping that.

As for Lou, he rents a fancy new apartment and blows up online shopping carts everywhere as he spends Candy’s money. Ahem, their money. He also learns she’s wanted in Florida for conning a man out of $250,000 – the same amount of money she “inherited” from her uncle. Who, in fact, is not dead. When Candy arrives at his new place, Lou informs her that the cops are on their way, and if she’s innocent, she should stay. She leaves him, with a stern warning that he doesn’t know what he’s done.

Finally, in what may have an impact on someone on this show – and by impact, I mean that the ramifications would be felt long after ONE FRIGGIN’ EPISODE … we close the night at the bar, with Tommy serving drinks to his family of Born Again Alcoholics. By now, they’re all pretty drunk, per usual, and Ellie leaves … to pick up her dog. I couldn’t tell if that was code or for real (it’s nearly midnight, for pete’s sake). We cut back and forth between the drunk Gavins and firemen, and Ellie drunkenly driving. Do alcoholics care when a family member dies because of a drunk driver? Apparently not. She drunkenly calls Teddy, who doesn’t pick up because he’s laughing and drinking, and then Ellie runs a red light. A large Mack truck plows into her. Cut to black.

Oh, and for anyone taking notes, Garrity’s balls are pink, and his penis is teal. There was a bleaching agent involved.

One episode left. Good night, Everybody!

Next week: Janet, Sheila, Ellie, blah blah blah, and I retire.

For another take on this episode, check out Fighting, Jumping, Drinking and Sour Candy by Cameron Cubbison.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 5, Episode 21: Jump (Originally aired August 25, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro