So You Think You Can Dance: Whatever

So now I am at that awkward point with SYTYCD where I have mentally broken up with the show but we have to keep dating for a while anyway because there’s this obligation, like the equivalent of a family wedding to which you’ve already RSVP’d and bought the joint gift and everything, so you have to play the part like you’re still together even though deep down you hate its guts. Only in this case the family wedding is that I promised Poptimal.com I would review this show, and the season isn’t over yet. And it’s kind of worse this way, actually, because at weddings you at least get to drink champagne.

And I don’t even know when this season will be over, because I still don’t understand how the show works. I know there’s only one winner, but they keep voting people off two at a time. So will I eventually have to watch an entire two hours of two people dancing solos at each other? Because that would be in competition with those audition rounds for Best Ways To Torture Robin. And for that matter, will tonight’s episode be two hours again? There are only three pairs left. How long are we going to keep milking these not-even-that-high-really ratings at the expense of the show’s quality? I know Cat will manage to stretch it out by giving Mary more time to shriek, but doesn’t anyone at Fox care about my capacity for pain?

Okay, but whatever, let’s get on with it. Cat tells us this is the most important performance show and that next week is the finale. Oh, okay then. Thanks for actually explaining it for once. She’s wearing a purple tube dress that I think my sister had in the 80s.

Intro dances. Melissa preens and poses and generally isn’t really trying. Kayla has another gorgeous dress. Evan is also not trying anymore. Jeanine has upgraded from Frederick’s to Victoria’s Secret. Are they still going to do that awful “These are the girls, here are your guys” thing at the end of the intros next week too, when I assume gender will have ceased to be a relevant factor in the voting?

Cat tells us each pair is performing twice. That’s it? We’re watching only six partner performances? This thing is two hours long. And the guest judge is Lil’ C, whom I do not particularly like. Awesome.

Nigel and Mary talk about how the show sucks now that Janette is gone. Well, obviously I agree, but I would like to point out that Brandon is still there.

First will be a group routine by the three men. Sonya choreographed it. She announces that the performance is inspired by Willy Wonka and “the fashion of it.” They’re doing lifts and throws, which is cool. I bet Nigel will find a way to make a homophobic “joke” though.

The costumes are hilarious. This dance style isn’t really great for any of the three of them, though, although like always, they’re all giving it all they’ve got. The performance is pretty cool. But I think that’s mainly because I’m getting the Oompa-Loompa references. They’re all in sync and executing everything very well technically, as far as I can tell, being that I know nothing about any of the technical stuff. Brandon and Ade keep picking Evan up and tossing him around, which is funny.

We see Brandon’s mother in the audience for the first time. She is adorable- as you would expect for someone who is responsible for bringing Brandon into the world.

Lil’ C has been wanting to see Ade and Brandon in the same routine all season. Actually, that has happened in every single results show until now, but I see what he’s saying. He loves the two of them. Then he commends Evan “for not getting swallowed by the dominant excellence of Ade and Brandon” and for “staying visible throughout the whole routine.” Yes, normally Evan is completely unnoticeable on the stage. That’s why he’s the only contestant left who’s never been voted into the bottom. Shut up, Lil’ C. Mary loved the performance and is wearing a shade of eyeshadow that’s coordinated with both her dress and her lipstick. She compliments how in sync they were and some other technical stuff. Nigel says Evan stood out because he’s never seen Evan try anything like the stuff he was trying there. Really? Did Nigel miss the part where Evan jumped over Randi’s head? Or more likely that’s a completely different kind of feat than the stuff they were doing in this routine. I just like bringing that jump up, because it was awesome.

Jeanine and Ade are our first pair of the night. They’ve been wanting to work together, it seems. Jeanine thinks Ade is the strongest partner in the competition. Really? Stronger than Brandon? That’s interesting. They’re doing the samba, choreographed by Louis Van Amstel. Jeanine says the routine is “suggestive, but still classy.” I hate to think what Jeanine might consider classy. The rehearsal footage is not promising on that front.

The routine begins, and there’s no point talking about Jeanine’s outfit. Ade, however, looks hilarious in his shirt unbuttoned all the way to his waist, with suspenders over it. They both look amazing, with Jeanine doing her very best impression of Janette, only with far more overt sexuality infused into her performance. Ade does that footwork thing that I love seeing in ballroom performances (this is why I’m still missing Max). They do the move from rehearsals that they kept showing when they were talking about how sexy the dance was, and I can certainly see what they meant. “Classy” is definitely not the word I would use.

Mary says the first 15 seconds were amazing, but after that the performance started to fall apart. She gives Ade some technical critique and says he looked “novice.” Ade looks devastated. She doesn’t say anything about Jeanine at all. Lil’ C starts out by lusting loudly after Jeanine. I’m just stating the facts here. I’m done complaining; I know what to expect of this show. Then he says either his expectations were too high or the performance wasn’t good enough. He accuses Ade of “frolicking.” Nigel says Ade isn’t changing his style as well as he should. Then he says Jeanine is hot and that she did a wonderful job, and that she had an easier job with the routine because of being hot. All right, so presumably the judges are rooting for Brandon and Evan in the finale. I think I would prefer Brandon and Ade myself, since Evan has been so inconsistent depending on what style he gets. But, let’s be honest, I don’t particularly care.

Kayla does her solo next. She’s dancing to “You Found Me” by the Fray, which always makes me think of Lost because they used it in those promos that were showing at movie theaters all last fall. Kayla is really going for it, presumably well aware that she’s been voted into the bottom a ton of times by now. She’s dancing super-fast with her hair up -  no more pretty princess stuff. Go for it, you epitome of a girl, you.

Our next pair is Melissa and Evan. They pretend to be happy about being paired together. Ugh, I hope they give them a style Evan can handle. Melissa is tall, and therefore she’s nervous about the pairing. They’re doing Broadway choreographed by Tyce. Evan is a nervous groom who overslept. Okay, this should be workable. Melissa’s always good with characters, like she is with everything. Evan giggles again about dancing with a married woman. Uh… no one else who’s ever been partnered with Randi or Melissa has ever brought this up. I thought the marital status thing was Randi’s issue, but maybe it’s Evan’s, actually. Anyway, a Broadway dance about a wedding isn’t nearly as weird as a hip-hop dance about pregnancy, or a contemporary dance about someone’s butt.

The dance starts, and Evan is wearing, uh, boxer shorts. And black socks with garters. Melissa is already dressed for her honeymoon. Which makes sense, since these two characters are already living together. Okay, maybe it’s modern Broadway, even though the song is from My Fair Lady. I am totally mystified by the story of this dance. It’s amazing that this was choreographed by the same guy who did last week’s breast cancer routine. Wow, I did not enjoy Melissa and Evan’s performance at all.

The judges don’t look like they did either. Lil’ C expected Evan to do really well and was disappointed. He says they “danced it really good [sic]” nonetheless but that there was an element missing. Mary says she liked it and that it was fun and entertaining for her. Well, I’m glad it was for someone. She doesn’t sound particularly into it though. In addition, Mary has never seen sock garters before and doesn’t like them. Nigel compliments Melissa for adapting to other styles despite the disadvantage of being a ballerina. Hmm. He notes that the routine wasn’t technically demanding but says that it was personality-wise, and he says Evan did a sufficiently good job on that front to satisfy him.

Next, Ade solos. He jumps, he spins, he smiles, he shows his nipples. “Ade Is Fire!” proclaims a sign in the audience. Should I [sic] that too?

Our next pair is Kayla and Brandon. They look thrilled to be together. Kayla likes that he’s good at throwing people around. Brandon is psyched because the judges like Kayla. They’re doing a contemporary routine choreographed by Stacey Tookey. They’re playing a married man and his mistress.

The dance begins, and I can tell right off that Kayla loves her look – a skanky red dress with her hair all teased out. Brandon is playing his character gorgeously. Mmm, I love me some Brandon. And then Kayla rips his shirt off. Okay then. The dance is really cool, and I think it’s largely because Brandon is doing such a good job with this character, and also because the kicks and all that are cool. Then he does some awesome stuff carrying Kayla around. Wow, okay, am I actually being affected by this story? I think I kinda am. They’re both actually doing a great acting job. At the end Kayla collapses and then they go sit at opposite ends of the stage in spotlights. That was really neat.

Lil’ C calls it “really really really really intense” and “beyond amazing.” Wow, do I actually agree with Lil’ C? That freaks me out. Then he says this is the first time Kayla has been paired with a partner who was equal to her. Uh. Kayla’s partners have been Max, Kupono, Evan, and Jason. So that was yet another relatively subtle dig at Evan. Mary loved it and found Brandon’s performance a turn-on (again, no comment) and loved every second of Kayla, like always. Nigel loved the routine and points out that Kayla has played a lot of traumatized characters. He says that Brandon and Kayla haven’t had enough time together to develop the kind of chemistry he wants to see. I disagree, but he’s the expert.

Next, Melissa solos. It’s a vaguely sensual ballet routine with her hair and dress looking fabulous. Raise your hand if you think Melissa’s going home tomorrow. Oh, wait, we won’t even be able to have a bottom two tomorrow, will we? How on earth are they going to fill the whole hour? Maybe some more former members of Destiny’s Child will come out to lip-sync for us.

Wow, Cat’s arms are really toned. How does she have time to work out between filming two seasons of this show simultaneously? Can I be reincarnated someday as Cat Deeley?

Ade and Jeanine are doing a hip-hop routine choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. It’s about friends getting kicked out of their apartment. They have to dance with boxes. This is feeling a tad too familiar. Jeanine fell a bunch of times in rehearsal.

Their outfits are hilarious. No comment on the relative amount of skin they’re showing. The story is really pretty simple, as Tabitha/Napoleon dances tend to be: they’re irritated because they have to move out. So they dance about it. Jeanine executes her moves without falling over. Ade’s face is invisible between his hood and his hat. At one point they put their feet in boxes and dance around that way, which is… well, not something I ever expected to see on this show, anyway.

Lil’ C says they exceeded his expectations but manages to sound snotty about it. He says Ade has a dirty kind of groove and that he used it appropriately in this dance, and that he pulled Jeanine down with him, in a good way. But was Jeanine actually good? How come no one ever says this? Okay, well next Mary notes that Jeanine was terrific throughout the samba and that she felt bad for not pointing that out before. Nigel interrupts her to reference his wife’s mean divorce attorney. Gotta love these two-hour shows. Then all three judges admit that they have been evicted at some point in their lives. Really? Wow. Guess it does suck to be an artist. Mary says she loved this performance too, not like anyone’s still paying attention to what she’s saying at this point. Nigel says it was fantastic and especially compliments Jeanine.

Next, Brandon solos, in his silk Speedo. Cat makes no secret of her happiness about this. Brandon is not taking any risks about getting into the finale, is he? He does some amazing stuff, including a thing where he crawls across the floor in a really cool way that gets its very own round of applause. He is just generally the same awesome, naked Brandon that everyone fell for at auditions. The judges give him a standing ovation and the women in the audience are freaking out. Brandon looks really pleased with himself. Nigel talks, which the judges don’t usually do after solos, and says that it was one of the best solos that have ever been done on the show. Brandon is positively beaming, and rightly so. I really can’t see a way that he doesn’t win the show, or at least doesn’t wind up coming in first among the men.

Next, Melissa and Evan are doing the quick-step, choreographed by Louis Van Amstel. This dance is supposed to be the kiss of death. Louis was not happy to work with Evan and Melissa due to the height difference, and he attempted to choreograph them to hide it by having Melissa bend over a lot. Melissa is, nevertheless, wearing heels. She’s worried that Evan will drop her, which seems unfair, since Evan has always done very well with lifts so far, at least as far as I can tell.

The dance looks cool to me, and I think this style suits Evan, since it’s referencing an era that is within his comfort zone. Melissa is visibly taller than him, but I don’t think I’d be noticing that if they didn’t keep making such a big deal about it. I think… dare I say it… Evan is actually better at this than Melissa. I’m not really loving the performance, but I’m liking it better than I have most of the other routines tonight. At the end, they do an amazing spin thing that looks like a death spiral from figure skating, which goes on for about a million years. So that was why Melissa was afraid Evan would drop her.

Cat doubles over and pretends to be shorter than Evan. Hee. Lil’ C says Evan danced “bigger” than he ever had before on the show. He says Melissa is pretty and a good dancer. But is Evan pretty? Come on, Lil’ C, tell us what you really think we need to know. Mary says the dance was better at the beginning but crumbled as it went on, probably because it was so exhausting. She says the spinning lift thing was good but not really appropriate for the style, which is not Evan and Melissa’s fault. The dance didn’t live up to her expectations. Nigel compares Melissa to Cloris Leachman and Evan laughs. Well, I would too. Then Nigel says the dance was great but that he didn’t like the Lindy Hop section. He says it wasn’t one of the best routines of the night.

Next, Jeanine solos. Sometimes I forget how gorgeous she is. I don’t think much of the solo, though. She doesn’t seem to do very much. The judges don’t stand up, and it doesn’t look like they’re even clapping.

And then Evan solos. He starts out with some serious tumbling (which, I would point out to Nigel, Evan has been doing all competition long). Other than that, his dance is standard Evan, although at least he isn’t wearing his hat this time. I am definitely over Evan’s hat. Wow, can you imagine watching this whole thing over again next season with Ryan? I mean, I won’t be watching it, but let’s just say. (I will, though, probably check in a few times to see how far Ryan gets. I’m hoping he and Evan get to exactly the same point, which I guess is unlikely. But otherwise, family reunions will be awkward for the next 50 years.)

I love how Cat says finale. “Fuh-nalllll-y.”

Brandon and Kayla are up next, doing disco choreographed by Doriana Sanchez. Awesome! Doriana forced Brandon to do push-ups at the start of rehearsal. Hee. Their routine, according to Kayla, is more like a circus than a disco.

The dance itself is awesome. I think I might finally be on board with Kayla after tonight. She and Brandon really shine together. Literally, in this case; the costumes are also awesome. Brandon does his usual effortless tumbling and lifts, and just generally they look like they’re having the time of their lives, even though it’s clearly really, really hard. Wow, that was cool. Dare I say it… am I rooting… for Kayla to win??? Crap, nobody tell Janette.

They’re both exhausted at the end, and usually the dancers don’t show their exhaustion this openly so I think that must have been a really tough one. Lil’ C says some crap about seeing with your ears and eventually says that they were really good. Why do they let this guy judge? Is this seriously considered good TV? He compliments their athletic ability. Mary says it was a home run and points out the extreme difficulty of one of their lifts and says Kayla risked severe head trauma. Wow, dancing is scary when you put it that way. Then Mary tries to jump over the desk and make out with Brandon. Lil’ C holds her back. Nigel does a fake out like he’s going to be hard on them, then jumps up and dances. The cameras were not prepared for this and don’t properly follow him, and on my non-widescreen TV he’s actually dancing off so far to the side that all I can see is the arm of his suit jacket. But I’m sure he looks appropriately ridiculous.

And finally, the three women are doing a dance also choreographed by Sonya. It’s about superheroes. Ugh, I suspect that the costumes for this will be problematic. But whatever, I’m over it. Kayla is Storm, Jeanine is Wonder Woman, and Melissa is a superhero I’ve never heard of called Buttercup. Oh… okay, apparently Buttercup is “the tough one” of the Powerpuff Girls. Right.

I am not enjoying the dance. It’s just not fun to watch. Even the part where Jeanine steps on Kayla isn’t particularly exciting. Also, beyond the costumes and the occasional terrorist fist-pump, I don’t know what this has to do with superheros. Maybe superheros are the only kind of strong women dancers Sonya can envision? Wait, sorry, that was mean. I may not love Sonya, but she’s no Mia.

Lil’ C talks and talks and Jeanine makes fun of him. Go Jeanine. He says they didn’t really go for it with enough gusto and that they were too nice, or something. Then Cat makes fun of him. Mary says they were amazing, and “the epitome of strong, versatile, flexible, sexy, talented dancers.” She says Kayla had tougher moves than Jeanine and Melissa and therefore stood out more than they did. Nigel is very into himself and his humor tonight and delivers a line he has clearly been rehearsing in his head all week riffing on the “it’s a bird, it’s a plane” line. He says they were all fantastic and no one stood out. Then he makes a really crude comment about Jeanine’s costume and Not. Going. To say anything.

The episode ends. I cast my first (and probably last) vote of the season. For Brandon.

My predictions, not that I have ever gotten one right all season long but either way: Melissa and Ade are heading home.

Results night. Wow! Cat is ready to enter the Emerald City. She’s in an extremely sparkly deep green dress with shoulder pads. Really. And bright red Christmas lipstick and nail polish, too. Rare is the woman who can pull off this look, but Cat Deeley is clearly that woman.

The group dance is to “Send in the Clowns” with the dancers dressed as clowns. The old-fashioned kind who wear short skirts when they are female. Everyone jumps and toddles around, and Melissa is once again given a starring role in which to do her ballet spins. I suspect we have Wade Robson to blame for all this. At the end of the routine, all of them climb into a giant box on the stage except for Evan, who sits outside looking super-sad, I guess because he is the best “actor” among them. I think there are probably people in the world who found this really pretty, but I am not one of them. Cat tells us Tyce choreographed it. Huh, I really have mixed feelings about Tyce’s work.

Tonight, Cat tells us we’ll be seeing the four Emmy-nominated routines from last season, including one by this guy I keep hearing about, Fletch or whatever his name is. Well, that should be fun. People keep telling me last season was so much better than this season.

Near the start of the show, Cat tells us she’s sending one woman and one man into the safety of the finale, although she’s careful to note that they are not necessarily the ones who got the most votes. The two safe people are Jeanine and Brandon. Probably the two most obvious, but I’m happy not to have to be in any kind of suspense about Brandon. My favorite part, though, is when Evan and Ade run off the stage holding hands.

Next we see a routine from last season, “Silence,” performed by Jessica and Will, choreographed again by Tyce. Based on the costumes, I think there’s an Adam and Eve theme here, only it’s a very, very sexualized Adam and Eve. Wow, this is actually kind of extreme with the sexual imagery. Maybe the censors didn’t care, since it’s biblical? It’s a pretty cool routine, I guess, but not my favorite.

Commercials. ABC Family is making TV movie based on Legally Blonde. Set in high school. Well, obviously.

Next, we see “Mercy” from last season, which was choreographed by Mia and performed by Katee and Twitch (not Fletch). Ooh, this is awesome from the beginning. Wow. Okay, so yeah, people like Twitch for a reason. And Katee is awesome too. And this routine is just amazing. Throughout. It isn’t like there’s one or two really cool moments, like it has been with most of the really good routines this season. It’s just fun. It’s excellent TV. We have not seen anything like this in season 5. Hey, instead of whatever’s planned for next week, can we just watch this Twitch guy some more? I’d even enjoy watching him solo, I think.

Next up is another season 4 routine, choreographed by Dmitri, called “A Los Amigos” and featuring Chelsie and Joshua. Ooh, this is cool, I like Joshua too. Maybe it’s the effect of having the show behind them but Joshua and Twitch both seem about a million times more confident than any of the dancers from this season. The dance is very cool and fast and Latin, but Janette could’ve done it better than this Chelsie chick. Just saying. Cat calls Joshua “America’s Favorite Dancer.” Then who was Twitch? Now I’m confused.

30 seconds of pointless shame time. Melissa, once again, barely does anything, but keeps up that big smile. Ade jumps around and spins and how many times have I typed that at this point? I like Ade. I want him to be in the finale. I don’t know what else to say about him.

Then a group called the Jabberwockies performs. They have masks and hats and jumpsuits and do some jerky stuff that isn’t as cool as it is when Phillip does it. One guy turns upside down and spins around on his head for longer than can possibly be healthy. Next week, are we going to have to watch a two-hour results show full of this kind of thing? I am confused about the degree to which this show mirrors American Idol.

Our last season 4 performance is “Bleeding Love,” choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon and performed by Chelsie (again) and Mark. I love their 80s outfits. I also love getting to watch these routines without first having the stories explained to me. It allows me to just watch the dancers flailing around without trying to figure out why. This performance is by far my least favorite of the four we’ve seen tonight, but Chelsie and Mark both stomped around very well.

Now, for the second half of the 30 seconds of pointless shame. Kayla does the same dance as last night in a different and less flattering dress. Evan does the same routine as last night in the exact same outfit. But, I mean, what else are they supposed to do? They learn, like, 8 dances every week. They can’t be expected to come up with two different solos, too.

Then we get yet another performance, as Grammy Award Winning Reggae Sensation Sean Paul or John Paul or something lip-syncs while scantily clad women writhe behind him. Man, poor Cat is managing to get all these trains in on time, and I don’t envy her for it. I have nothing to say about this performance except that it goes on forever and fits into the “What is this crap and why am I watching it?” category. I think I’m going to go give myself a pedicure until this is over.

Okay, I’m back, and Kayla and Melissa are onstage. Melissa’s eliminated. Well, it would’ve been a major upset if Kayla hadn’t made it to the finale. Melissa looks sad but not surprised.

Then they bring out Evan and Ade, and eliminate… Ade. Aww. I liked them both, and I’m sad not to see Ade in the finale, but I’m also happy to see Evan there. And hey, my prediction actually came true for once. When it had the best possible odds, but still.

They cut to the four finalists, who all look stunned and really, really, really young. You know Jeanine and Kayla are pissed at having to dance with Evan again, though. Hee. Life’s rough, kids.

Season 5, Episodes 20&21: Top 6 (originally aired July 29&30, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro