Top Chef Masters: Crazy Vegans!

All we have to do is make it through tonight, friends, because next week, things really fire up when former Top Chef contestants return, including crazy Dale, who ends up working with ego-tastic Michael Chiarello (according to the previews) and sparks fly! I can’t wait.

But first! Let’s get through this week.

Quickfire. Create a gourmet burger and side dish, to be judged by former contestant and burger joint owner Spike Mendelsohn (I’ve eaten there, and it’s delicious. Go!); Morgan Spurlock; and Sang Yoon.

Rick claims to be a poor hamburger-maker, while Hubert has created a $5,000 burger. That’s disgusting. Anita won the last challenge but slept poorly – from celebrating all night or pressure and nerves, we’ll never know. Chiarello dogs Hubert for being French and awesome, and claims that he needs to take him out. He spends much of the episode talking about how he has to beat Hubert, and I wonder if Hubert even knows how envious Chiarello really is. Hubert, meanwhile, remains adorable.

Rick makes a queso fundido burger with three different flavors of guacamole – the diners love the burgers, but call the three guacs overkill; Rick is disgusted that they can’t appreciate the differences in the guacamoles. Art’s hoecake burger with tomatillos and coleslaw pleases all of the diners, especially Spike. Michael serves “hamburgese enorme” with truffle manchego potato chips. Just the fact that Michael had to make up a name like that irritates me. However, the guys love his burger. Anita’s cheddar soup with grilled burger has the opposite effect. They wanted a real burger, not something so abstract and creative. Hubert produces a beef and roquefort cheese burger, with onions and rustic potatoes. The guys love the presentation, but they think the cheese is overpowering and Spike thinks it lacks punch. He has forever made enemies of Rick Bayless and Hubert Keller. Though admittedly, Hubert at least laughed about it.

Anita earns 1 ½ stars; Hubert earns 3 stars; Art 3 ½ stars; Michael and Rick 4 stars. I worry for Anita, because usually the lowest scorer in the Quickfire goes home. And I like her so much more than Art and Chiarello.

Elimination Challenge. Cook lunch with vegan and gluten-free restrictions for Zooey Deschanel and her friends. Art looks ready to cry, because all he knows how to do is cook deep-fried meat. Because he’s southern, and he cooks with love! I tell you this, because he repeats this several times. Therefore, Art offers to do dessert.

All the chefs complain to varying degrees about the restrictions, with Chiarello and Art being the most vocal, and Rick being the most calm. Art buys store-made organic rice ice cream because he doesn’t know how to make it from scratch. Michael also uses store bought quinoa pastas instead of cooking pasta by hand. Anita can’t find the lentils she’d prefer.

Rick helps out Chiarello at Whole Foods, and Chiarello in turn, helps Hubert during the cooking portion. Which means I have to be a little nicer to Chiarello. I guess.

Rick is the most comfortable with the challenge, as his daughter was gluten-intolerant for a while, and Mexican food provides plenty of opportunity to use vegetables and spices. Anita makes a vegetarian version of a dish she serves at her restaurant, but her lack of sleep is definitely affecting her energy level.

Service. Critics: Oseland, Gael, Rayner. Zooey says she is a faithful Top Chef viewer, and isn’t she just the sweetest thing in the world? She always seems to be enjoying herself, onscreen or off. She’s so opposite from Hollywood that I can’t help but like her.

Anyway. Hubert survives a few server malfunctions to deliver his white gazpacho with grapes and vanilla oil, and timbale of avocado and asparagus, and roast beef salad. Zooey calls his gazpacho heaven, and loves the beets, though some diners thought the avocado tasted like dip. They found Anita’s grilled eggplant oily and too spicy, and the lentil salad was too “sturdy.”Everyone at the table loves Michael’s quinoa pasta with salsa verde (and since I’m being nice to him, I won’t make any disparaging comments about his growing need to break into different languages), calling it “perfect” with its complementary flavors. Rick serves corn tamales with chili-braised beans, braised greens and glazed mushrooms. Zooey claims he’s cooked the best tamales she’s ever had. The diners enjoy the balance of flavors. Though Zooey loves ice cream and strawberries, she is disappointed with Art’s dessert, as are the other diners. Art serves a strawberry champagne soup, which just sounds … not right… as well as strawberry rice ice cream and almond brittle. Zooey says it’s okay, but that the dish could have been a lot better. Oseland loved it, but the vegan diners are definitely disappointed.

Critics Table. The judges refreshingly come down on Anita and Art for their mistakes; the critics remain polite, but they definitely call them both out for the parts of their dishes that failed. Anita, especially, doesn’t seem to do well under the critics’ comments, but that may be both because she was tired and the editing. At least, I hope so, because the critics really hated it. I’m not sure how the critics made a difference between Michael’s store-bought pasta and Art’s store-bought ice cream, but they definitely hold it against Art more. Possibly because his dish failed and Michael’s succeeded.

Not that it matters, because though I worried for Anita (it definitely looked like she was going home), Art scores the lowest with only 12 ½ stars (woo hoo!); Anita comes in with 13; Hubert and Rick both score 19, while Chiarello wins the night with 22 stars. Oh brother. I can’t wait to hear the gloating next week.

I was going to say this was a good episode because of the suspense and my fear about Anita’s elimination, and the fact that Art finally says goodbye, but then I saw the previews. And so…

Next week: Dale versus Chiarello and the battle of the egos! Watch what happens!

For another opinion on this episode, check out The Vegan Zone by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 8: Dietary Restrictions (originally aired August 5, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal