Top Chef Masters: What’s My Name, Chef???

This week on Top Chef Masters, we have character studies in how to be awesome (Hubert and Rick) and how to be a Jerk (Chiarello). And some very special guests!

And so! Our final four Masters return to Kelly’s ominous warning that this is the final show before the finale. In every reality show, this elimination and the first one rank as the worst, but at least at this point, people remember your name. Even if it is because you choked just when it really counted. I’m talking to you, Mychael Knight.

Quickfire. The Taste Test Challenge. The Masters take turns during a blindfolded taste test to identify ingredients and condiments. Chiarello continues his habit of telling everyone he’ll lose before they’ve even started so that he doesn’t look like a complete fool if he does. Of course, then he goes and wins, guessing seven of twenty ingredients correctly and earning 5 stars. Rick and Anita tie for second and win 4 stars, and Hubert shocks the world by coming in last and earning only 3 ½ stars. He recognizes the precariousness of his situation.

Elimination Challenge. Cook a buffet lunch for 200 guests, while assuming a leadership role over hired help. And the hired help in this challenge: Former Top Chef contestants! And while I like the term “cheftestants,” it sounds wrong coming from Kelly, who’s felt like an interloper all season. I almost feel bad that I dislike her so much, because I have no good reason. I blame the excessive and poorly dubbed voice-overs. Which, by the way, are everywhere tonight.

A round robin begins, as the “Masters” briefly interview each of the “chefs.” They will then hire three each, and lead them through the prep, cooking and service. This leadership role, presumably, will be taken into account during judging. Oh, I’m sorry – critiquing. I laugh now at the mere suggestion this will affect the Critics’ scores.

The previous contestants: Angry Dale, Jamie, Spike, CJ, Betty, Fabio, Blais, Antonia, Brian, Elia, Ilan, and Alex. For the record, we don’t see enough of CJ, Fabio, Ilan or Elia.

I have to say, I loved the interviews because I loved seeing the old favorites (and the old idiots) back in action, while having Michael Chiarello prove me right. He is the world’s biggest ass. The highlights: Anita and Jamie used to work together, and happily reunite. Blais continues his old habit of sucking up by immediately complimenting Rick Bayless on being awesome. Rick Bayless succumbs. Chiarello forgoes the traditional interview process and forces the chefs to dice and chop a variety of foods, because he doesn’t care about them as people, only as work horses.

Sample of Chiarello’s interview: “What’s My Name?” The chefs try to pronounce his name correctly, unsure why they’re hearing this question. (Correct answer: “Key”arello, as it shall now be.) Then, “What am I to you?” The chefs respond, “Chef.” Then look at him like he’s the biggest douchebag…Ever. (And he really is!)

Keyarello very clearly makes the distinction that there will be no collaboration – they work for him. The chefs laugh at him while waiting, and as Betty says, “Everybody wants to be with [Hubert]. Nobody wants to be with Chef Michael Keyarello.”

Spike ignores Keyarello and talks his way through the interview. Spike finds a way, apparently, to turn off each of the Masters – He believes his being chosen last means the Masters are jealous of him. Which goes to show how much Spike has not grown.

So: Keyarello’s Team: Brian Malarky, CJ, Fabio. Rick’s team: Alex, Blais, Betty. Anita’s Team: Ilan, Jamie, Dale. Hubert’s team: Antonia, Elia, Spike.

Prep. Anita seems overwhelmed and disorganized, while Rick is concerned that his teammates feel as though they’re contributing, not just taking orders. Hubert respects the contestants on TC, and he asks them for their best dishes in previous challenges, enjoying the opportunity to teach. On the other hand, Keyarello tells his team what they’re doing and how they’re doing it. And that’s it.

Anita decides on a raw bar with Asian flair. She soon remembers what she disliked about Jamie, including Jamie’s tendency to become overwhelmed by details. Jamie slows the team down with her inefficient oyster shucking. Meanwhile, Dale claims Keyarello’s fridge for his team. Or something equally stupid involving the fridge. Next thing you know, Keyarello’s calling Dale, “son,” Dale is up in Keyarello’s face, repeating the great hold-me-back refrain: “What are you going to do about it?” Keyarello claims his wife would be embarrassed if, in fact, he did anything about it, so he essentially ignores Dale until he goes away. Note to Keyarello: if your wife isn’t embarrassed by your large ego present through the first part of this episode, you two are meant for each other. Dale claims he didn’t sign up for disrespect and people calling him “son.” I’d love to know what Dale thought he signed up for.

Kelly announces two twists. First, the buffet will now take place outdoors, under the sun. The clock ticks on Anita’s career on Masters, as a raw bar can only fail in these conditions. But she’s committed, and that’s that. Second, shortly before Service, the Masters must cut one team member. Hubert happily bids farewell to Spike, Anita happily sends home Jamie, Rick happily sends home Betty, and Michael sends home Brian.

Service. Critics: Rayner, Oseland, Gael. The Masters stick to their strengths: Rick serves a Mexican menu; Hubert serves an “18 Dish Buffet”; Keyarello does Italian; and though it’s raw, Anita does Asian. The diners (Hollywood insiders, whatever that means) worry about the raw bar in the sun. Rayner likes Anita’s pork rib, but is not impressed by the rest of the meal. The critics question Anita’s inability to adapt her menu to the new venue.

Keyarello’s food, though fine in taste, suffers in the execution, from the preparation of the shrimp to the cutting of the swordfish. The Critics find Hubert’s meal luxurious and delicious, impressed with the execution and the sheer volume of perfect food. Rick spotlights Blais’s liquid nitrogen avocado ice cream, clearly proud of his team, not just his own menu and cooking. His soup “tastes like Mexico,” and other delicious-type adjectives are thrown around.

Critics Table. More of the same. Hubert and Rick compliment and promote their teams without thinking about it. Anita takes polite heat for not changing up the raw bar menu. The Critics ask about Keyarello’s swordfish and his olive oil cakes. He blames the execution of the cakes on his sous chefs, and admits that he did not let his chefs take a lead on any dishes. Over deliberation, there’s more repetition, and only one or two references to the Masters’ leadership skills. Though they compliment Rick and Hubert for their deference and respect for their sous chefs, they don’t seem to penalize Anita for not being a strong leader, nor Keyarello for being the World’s Biggest Ass.

And first of all, I think we all know if Colicchio were on the panel, he’d have called Keyarello out for blaming his sous chef for poor knife work, when it was his job to lead and check up on his teammates. No one busts him for passing off responsibility. Second, if this challenge were really about leadership, why not call out the chefs and let them provide input? It should be very clear, if all factors are counted as per Kelly’s initial challenge description, that Keyarello should have more points taken off for being a poor leader.

But who are we kidding? Because we need Keyarello, his ego, and his role as villain to come with us to the finale! It’ll be good versus evil! The Italians versus the French! We can only hope that if the Italian wins, Hubert will headbutt Keyarello the same way. However, let’s not count out Bayless.

Because, it’s true, Anita loses, and perhaps rightly so, since the pressure seems to have cracked her. She’s another one who doesn’t think too quickly under stress. She loses with 17 stars; next is Keyarello with 19 ½ stars; Rick with 21 ½ stars; and Hubert wins with 22 stars. Yay, Hubert!

Next week: The finale, past TC winners, Padma, Gail, and Colicchio!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 9: Masters of Disaster (originally aired August 12, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal