Top Chef: Sweet, Gooey, and Disgusting

This week on Top Chef – It’s a wedding-themed challenge, which hopefully replaces the wedding challenge entirely. Although, with Elvis-included chapel opportunities, who knows?

Quickfire. In the kitchen, Padma, guest judge Todd English, and a craps table greet the chefs. The winner of the Quickfire wins another $15,000, but I ignore this when I hear the challenge. Each chef will roll the die, and whatever number comes up is the number of ingredients required for their respective Quickfire dishes.

A great idea, though those who roll a three (Laurine) and anything above eight (Jessie, Jennifer, Eve, Kevin, Michael V, Ashley, Bryan) aren’t as thrilled as I am. Chatter, chatter, cook, and Todd Does a Tasting. His least favorites are Jessie (who realizes too late that she grabbed the wrong pan), Bryan, and Eve. He chooses Jennifer, Michael V, and Kevin as the top dishes, with Michael winning the cash prize and immunity.

Elimination Challenge. Create an array of appetizers to pair with shots for a bachelor and bachelorette party. Drunken screaming – woo hoo!  That’s just me, not the chefs. Most look less than thrilled. But that’s not all! It will be men versus women, because we’re as antiquated as The Apprentice here. The men will cook for the Bachelorette party, and the women for the Bachelor party. Allow me to kill some suspense: the “party” is a bunch of people hanging out by and in the pool, eating Top Chef food with a selection of three shots. So this must be the “pre-party” they’re cooking for, because no one goes to Vegas for half a meal by the pool. For the shots, yes, but come on now. We do not learn the fate of the couple the next morning, or how many people woke up saying, “What have I done?” Insert “Who” where you will.

Ashley, as a gay woman, is immediately offended by the challenge because of gay marriage laws being what they are. She will cook and participate and try her hardest, but she’s not pleased, and finds it “beyond comprehension” that TC would have such a challenge with at least three gay participants in the cast. Even though, she claims, she knew this challenge was coming, in Vegas of all places. I don’t wish to be unsympathetic, but try to look at it not as a wedding celebration (which it isn’t) and more like a party with a bunch of people looking to get drunk and misbehave. Can I express how low expectations for a party like this should be in a place like Vegas?

Also offended: Jennifer, but mainly because she has to work with the women, who are clearly the weaker group here. Men versus women? Gender is irrelevant in the world of Chefdom! Robin, however, seems excited to bond with the other ladies, especially because the culinary world suffers from male domination. So, you take the good, you take the bad…

Back to the food! The shots: Moscow Mule. Tequila. And the Golden Delicious – or as Ash describes it: “sweet, gooey, and disgusting.” Each team must prepare two dishes to pair with each shot. Laurine thinks the women’s choice of more familiar food will win the challenge over the men, who she thinks will go too exotic. She calls their menu “contrived.” Sigh. I hate men versus women challenges on any show, because the women almost always lose, and here I sit, feeling silly on behalf of my whole gender.

Brothers Bryan V and Michael V contend that their only goal is to beat each other, for the same competitive reasons that I’m growing tired of hearing about. Ashley says that the men are using ingredients that most of the women have never even heard of, and a win would be a good confidence booster. She decides that since she has time, she’ll make a second dish. Jennifer advises against it.

Service. The women’s plates undergo review first, and the judges take into account not just the taste of the dish, but how well they pair with the shots. Eve’s ceviche remains as unbalanced as her dish last week, and the judges dislike it across the board. They also disliked Ashley’s bay leaf and vanilla panna cotta (bitter and not completely set); Preeti’s Coriander & Sesame crusted tuna (pedestrian and over-cured); and Jesse’s Thai chicken lettuce cup – despite its popularity with the guests.

Jennifer’s octopus ceviche (what the what?) lands among their favorites, as does Ashley’s watermelon carpaccio and Laurine’s lamb chop.

Over with the men, the brothers receive the most compliments – Michael’s apple sorbet & goat cheese cookie (“ridiculous,” as in good) and Bryan’s sweet and sour macaroons (great, with extra points for difficulty) wow the judges. Also favorites are Eli’s tuna tartare (great acid with excellent seasoning), Hector’s tofu lemon-lime ceviche (interesting with nice flavors that highlight tofu), and Ash’s chicken wings.

Among their least favorites were Mike I’s arctic char (doesn’t work with the tequila, flat) and Ron’s lobster cocktail (no flavor, despite the guests’ compliments).

Judges’ Table. The men win! Shocker. Hector, Michael V, Bryan and Kevin receive their share of compliments, but the win ultimately goes to Bryan. And he’s just happy to have bested his brother, which is what this show is all about.

That, and the losers. Representin’ the Ladies: Preeti, Jesse (again), Eve, and Ashley. Ashley takes plenty of heat for making two dishes, because one was great, but the panna cotta was awful. Jesse again knows what she did wrong, having added ginger beer (but not real ginger) and lacking a strong direction. Preeti’s lack of knowledge about her ingredients and food choices disappoints Tom especially, but Eve takes the hit – she looks lost and confused, and her failure to fix her dish knowing that it wasn’t cooked well dooms her back to the kitchen … to pack her knives and go.

Okay, so I have to admit that I watched a season (and a half) of Hell’s Kitchen before my Top Chef days really kicked in. There’s a world of difference between those chefs and these chefs – it’s almost laughable how advanced TC’s contestants are over Ramsay’s. My problem is that the women of this season remind me of the contestants on that show. Jennifer seems to be the only one with any real talent (unless Robin or Ashley step up and surprise us) which is disheartening. The men, however, seem to possess the talent, skills, and confidence that the women lack. The men versus women aspect of this week only seemed to highlight that more. Let’s not do this again, okay?

Otherwise, the Quickfire and the Elimination were both good challenges, and if we can keep up that level of competition, it doesn’t matter who wins.

Next week: Jennifer takes control and the Air Force. Go America!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 2: Bachelor/Ette Party (originally aired August 26, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Trae Patton