Top Chef: We’ve Been Pucked

Is it too early to say I’m not going to like this season? What if I said I didn’t like it after only seeing the 60 second preview? Sibling rivalries? Cancer survivors? Las Vegas, monetary rewards, award winners and ego-driven executive chefs? You know I like my petty little dramas, but if we’re going to turn into America’s Next Top Model with this additional nonsense, then I’d like to see some better eye candy. Aren’t there chefs out there who look like Jason Statham?

No? Sigh. Then let’s get to it.

Yes, Top Chef has moved to Sin City, and we’re off with seventeen new contestants and a gazillion new tattoos (I guess there’s no street cred among chefs these days without some inkwork):

Kevin, James Beard Award Nominee, ditched a full scholarship to MIT to become a chef.

Preeti, who looks and reacts to everything like a twelve year old boy.

Eve from Michigan, star struck by things like “big cities” and big vocabularies. Wait for it.

Mattin, from France and now San Francisco. He wears a kerchief, and is not nearly as adorable as Hubert.

Eli, the fat kid from Atlanta. His description, not mine. Don’t email me!

Ash, the gay man from New York.

Jennifer Zavala, superstitious mother who considers TC a “have-to,” not an opportunity. Which means she’s going to lose early, because people like that in a place like this? Reality television doesn’t care about hopes and dreams, sweetie.

Jennifer Carroll from Philadelphia. She calls herself a “bitch in the kitchen” who makes boys cry. She has a chip on her shoulder already and a permanent smirk.

Bryan, 2009 James Beard Award nominee from Maryland.  Who looks almost exactly like his brother…

Michael, 2006 Michelin Star Recipient. Bryan is older, and they look like twins and … Tony Hawk. I can’t tell them apart yet. It’s difficult to say that they like each other because they certainly don’t seem to. Michael calls Bryan the conservative one.

Then there’s Mike Isabella, 2009 “Rising Culinary Star” Nominee. And possibly the most sexist contestant we’ve had on this show in a long while. I bet he’s a fan of Rescue Me.

Also, Jesse, who has no formal training, Ron from Haiti, Hector, the 2009 James Beard Award Nominee, Ashley, Laurine, and Robin.

The chefs arrive at the kitchen in the M hotel and we see lots of GE appliances. That’s all the sponsor talk this show will get from me.

Quickfire. It’s Padma and Tom! I’ve missed you both. Kelly Choi will do that to a person. Padma introduces the Stardust showgirls, and really? Will we really have to put up with shtick like this all season? The chefs break into four teams of four for a seafood and rib eye mise en place relay race. We’re in Vegas where they don’t have knife blocks, so instead of drawing knives, the chefs reach into a top hat to pull out colored poker chips. Robin pulls out the lone gold chip – she will not compete in the Quickfire and also receives immunity in the Elimination Challenge. What the what? Lame!  The others divide up and pick their relay tasks.

The highlights of the relay: Preeti lets everyone pick their choice of seafood, and ends up with clams. Though she’s never shucked or opened a clam in her life. Way to stand up for yourself! Seriously, I do think she’s twelve. Zavala also runs into a clam problem for her team because she took time off to be a mom, and her technique is rusty. No word on if she’ll require stitches later. The real fight comes down to the two remaining teams – black and blue – who remain close throughout the race. What’s worth mentioning: Mike I goes up against Jennifer C to shuck the clams, and she’s as quick as he is, prompting this comment from Mike: “I look next to me, and Jennifer has, like the same amount of clams, and I’m like, I’m doing something wrong. There’s no way, no offense, but a girl shouldn’t be at the same level as I am.” Is this guy for real? He beats Jennifer C by only a clam or two.

Mattin (blue) out-lobsters Ashley (black), and then it’s Bryan (blue) versus Hector (black). Hector doesn’t agree with Bryan’s technique, but Bryan wins it for the blue team. Happily for me, Mike looks ready to punch a wall, but he lets it go.

Padma tells us that the Quickfire isn’t over, as we need to determine a single winner. Each member of the blue team will need to create a dish based on their protein from the relay race. Jesse worries because she’s never cooked with prawns before. Understandably, because that thing looks disgusting. The winner will not receive immunity because Robin pulled the gold chip. Therefore, the winner of the Quickfire will receive $15,000.

WHAT??? When did this become a game show? Where has your integrity gone, Top Chef? These people aren’t competing for prizes (you know, except the big, final one), they’re competing for reputation and opportunity. I realize we’re in Vegas, but is this the only way to liven things up?

Tom offers Robin the opportunity to cash in her immunity for a chance to compete in the Quickfire for the money. She declines, and so would I. Why risk going home so early? Trump would fire you for a bad choice like that. Mike, however, says that Robin isn’t confident in her skills, and that’s “one less old lady I have to worry about.”

So it’s Jennifer C vs. Jesse vs. Bryan vs. Mattin. Colicchio judges, and likes Mattin’s lobster and Bryan’s rib eye the least, and Carroll’s clam ceviche and Jesse’s prawns and grits as the top two. He chooses Jennifer C’s dish as the winner.

Elimination Challenge. Create a dish based on a personal vice. Each team will be competing internally, with one winner and one loser. Tonight’s eliminated chef will come from the losers’ bracket. Robin chooses to cook with the blue team.  Guest judge will be Wolfgang Puck.

The chefs head to Whole Foods and discuss their vices, which, among seventeen people, boils down to: alcohol, procrastination, hot tempers, alcohol, donuts, plastic surgery, cigar smoking, and alcohol. Two people don’t understand what vice means, and one person is Ron the immigrant, so okay. The other is Eve. She claims her vice is being overly complicated, which is a fault, not a vice. I guess things are a little slow in the Midwest.

Service. Guest judge: Chef Wolfgang Puck. Puck has a number of wonderful sound bites while praising and complaining about the food. I happen to know Puck is good television because I used to watch Las Vegas, and he was a sometimes guest star. I suddenly miss that show.

With four teams, there’s lots of middle-of-the-road dishes, so let’s stick with the winners and losers. The top four dishes come from Mike (olive oil poached halibut with eggplant puree), Ron (jerk bass with collard greens and Haitian hash), Jennifer C (poached halibut with whiskey, bacon, bourbon, scotch and black peppercorn sauce), and Kevin (arctic char with turnip salsa verde).

The bottom four dishes come courtesy of Hector (smoked rib eye with carrot puree and ceviche of celery), Jesse (braised chicken with whiskey reduction, yukon potatoes and egg), Jennifer Z  (chile relleno stuffed with seitan and tomatillo salsa), and Eve (shrimp and scallops in a curry cream sauce).

Judges’ Table. Mike showed experience and focus with great flavors, while Hector unnecessarily fried his steak and should have smoked it differently. Jennifer cooked a perfect piece of halibut, impressing especially Wolfgang Puck. Jesse overcooked her chicken, and the judges find it too dry to let go. She knows and understands exactly what went wrong. Ron cooked his fish well, though he tried too much with the dish. “There’s no flavor” to Jennifer Z’s dish, and the judges battle with her over whether she has any experience cooking that dish or using those ingredients (she claims she’s done both, often). Colicchio loves Kevin’s dish, and Wolfgang calls it “beautifully executed.” Everything about Eve’s dish was just “okay,” “bland,” and unbalanced.

Wolfgang announces the winner: Kevin. It’s early, but I think with his confidence and experience, Kevin’s going to be around a long time. As for the loser, it’s good-bye, Jennifer Z. I appreciate that just for the ease of having two Jennifers on the same show. Padma should pull a Tyra and force people with the same names to choose new nicknames. We could call Mike Isabella “Pig!”

And so, another season begins. After a second viewing, I’m only slightly more okay with the changes. I’m not a fan of the cash prizes, which feels like a cheap thrill in a show known for being better than other reality television shows. And what happens next season? Do they have to continue offering Quickfire prizes? Usually, once introduced, these kinds of things escalate. Will they start offering cars and stereo systems (I just laughed – who wins stereo systems anymore?), flat screen TVs and cruises? Honestly, this reminds me of the inane prizes people won on the Real World/Road Rules challenges. I mean, I love The Gauntlets and The Duels, but look at what that show is. The one thing about Top Chef (and divorcee, Project Runway) is that it relied solely on talent and didn’t fall back on gimmicks. Gratuitous product placement, yes, but this is very disappointing, and makes me worry not only for the future of the season, but of the show.

As for the contestants, we seem to have a mix of very experienced chefs and very nervous people. I think it’s too early to call if this will be a successful, enjoyable group. Though the chefs don’t show the early promise of last season’s group, they don’t seem as poorly cast as season 4. Hope remains.

This season on Top Chef: The Air Force, a western, Penn and Teller, Hubert (!), and temper tantrums!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 1: Sin City Vice (originally aired August 19, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Trae Patton