America’s Next Top Model: How Short Can You Go

Oh my goodness, Top Model fans. I don’t even know what to say. Except: this is going to be the most hilarious cycle of Top Model yet!

In case you hadn’t heard, this cycle Tyra is changing the modeling world by casting only girls 5’7” and shorter. I mean, absolutely turning the modeling industry on its head. Modeling and supermodels as we know them will never be the same. Tyra will make the record books for this, and not just the Wikipedia files outlining each season of ANTM. Someday, people will talk about Tyra and revere her as the legend she is for changing the standards of beauty. Single-handedly. I don’t know if I can emphasize enough the utter amazing-ness that is Tyra for all the goodness she is doing here.

In case you don’t believe me, Tyra will tell us this herself. Without a hint of self-consciousness. Or embarrassment. The contestants will take turns talking about the opportunity that Tyra is providing for them by casting them in her show, because otherwise, they have no chance at being a model. And they’ve dreamed about winning ANTM since they were little. Which shocks me when I realize that that statement may be true, as the show premiered in 2003 and some of these girls are only 18. But who am I to mock people’s dreams?

So back to Tyra’s awesomeness, because that’s the most talked about item during this two hour season premiere. She takes credit for her show being so amazing that it started a riot, which … that’s twisting the truth a little too much. Considering people were injured. Honestly, the opening where she congratulates herself, and then not even five minutes in as the girls gush about how grateful they are to Tyra …  this is the funniest bit of entertainment I’ve seen since watching G.I. Joe. I could not stop laughing.

But moving on! We leave Las Vegas behind for The Biltmore Hotel in L.A. Thirty-two semifinalists arrive to meet Tyra, who talks to them in a French accent. The girls soak up the ridiculousness and pray that it never ends. I pray for a commercial. The Jays arrive to measure the girls and confirm height, which seems redundant since the girls would have been measured prior to casting. But I don’t care, because I love the Jays. I wonder what would happen if we gave them more weekly air time and cut some of Tyra’s out. Oh, I know, Tyra would fire them. So nevermind!

The girls walk the runway for Ms. J and take their Polaroids. Then come the interviews!

Of note: Rae, 21, a blonde mother of an 18-month-old who’s never been away from her daughter this long. Can’t wait for her to break down this season and leave early because she misses her baby. Amber, 18, an outspoken Jesus Christ fan who is clearly acting for the cameras – she’s deliberately over the top and her Bible-thumping is far too exaggerated. Bianca, 21, bald and beautiful and a student at Howard University. She immediately interviews about how she’s smart and mature. She has no problem with confidence issues, if you know what I mean. Since the “smart” girls always end up being “stuck up bitches” on this show, we know who our early villain is. It’s a shame, really. Courtney, 22, the cheerleader with the broken foot and no boobs (Tyra’s note, not mine).

Jennifer, 23, the super-excited Asian girl who fistfights over boyfriends. Nicole, 18, the redheaded Daria, but more socially awkward. Yes, it’s possible. She likes bloody eyeballs. I miss you, Allison! Sundai, 18, a victim of abuse and foster homes with the sad childhood who seems dangerously emotionally invested in this competition. Alison, 21, a modeling teacher and Brittany, 21, the math major who would be proud of herself for winning ANTM – but clearly not so much for her excellence in academics. Ciara, the blonde “calendar girl.” Amanda, 21, the awkward tomboy who lives in a pop-up trailer and pees in her yard. Really. Erin, 18, who blends into forgettableness. Kara, 18, the Kelly Bensimon look-a-like. It’s freaky and makes me dislike her instantly. FYI – she castrates sheep. Lulu, 19, this year’s lesbian. Ashley, 22, hand-picked from Tyra’s television show audience. Laura, 19, from Kentucky, who castrates cows. Weird bunch, aren’t they? She explains the process, which is gross. Rachel, 18, of the Bambi eyes. It’s Allison again! Raven, 19, the spoiled girl who doesn’t know how to move her body but has a cute face.

First eliminations! The girls will walk a runway in Yotam Solomon clothes, but only if they find an outfit in their labeled garment bags. 12 girls go home! Among them: Raven and Alison the model teacher. During the short fashion show, Amber irritates the other girls because of her belief that she’s perfect … and the Jesus thing. I do think Jesus would be embarrassed by how often she drops his name. Kentucky, nee Laura, thinks the other girls underestimate her, but she’ll blow them out of the water. She says.

There’s no catfight this year, so we fill the time with Tyra accolades, which we covered earlier, so on to …

Tyra’s deliberation with the Jays. And now: 14 finalists! Tyra makes the announcement in a terrible ‘80s ensemble of silver glitter, enormous shoulder pads, and very unflattering pants. What the what? Our housemates: Jennifer, Erin, Rachel, Kara, Lulu, Rae, Ashley, Brittany, Bianca, Courtney, Nicole, Amber (“Thank you, Jesus Christ! We’re gonna save the world!”), Kentucky, and Sundai. The screaming, by everyone, is ridiculous.

Tyra wishes the eliminated girls luck with their future as face models. Then it’s more self-congratulations with the Top 14, and off to the L.A. house.

So I know this “short” modeling cycle is groundbreaking and everything, but I have a hard time jumping on board with the concept. Until Tyra picks Dove models to cast, we’re still looking at beautiful, petite, skinny girls. It’s the same type of girl we saw before, only short – not really that groundbreaking. Put a bunch of size 12s on the runway, that’ll cause a stir. As for the girls who keep talking about this amazing chance they’ve received – while I certainly wish them the best post-ANTM, it should be noted that no one has really gone on to great fame and fortune. Many of the girls are working, but no one’s a Gisele. Or a Tyra, or a Heidi or a Cindy. So … I don’t think this show is going to do that much, in terms of supermodel breakthroughs for short women. They all seem to be a little delusional. But I give them points for enthusiasm, as all the girls are genuinely excited and hopeful, and I do hope that whomever wins, their dreams come true.

Despite that little problem, I think we may have an entertaining season on our hands.

This week’s overused phrase: “I’m not mad at it.”

Up next: Overused word of the week: “Major.” And Makeovers!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 1: How Short Can You Go (originally aired September 9, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, IMDbPro, and Mathieu Young