America’s Next Top Model: The Early Bird Gets a Makeover

And we’re back! It’s part II of the highly anticipated “Short Cycle” of ANTM. Thirty two girls showed up, fourteen were cast, and here we are!

The lucky shorties arrive back in L.A. to start their grand adventure. They notice that Amber the Faithful is MIA, but don’t worry too much about it. The atmosphere is immediately calmer and less psycho. Kentucky’s ready to break away from the farm, and Nicole thinks she’s the strongest girl here despite her inability to speak with inflection. Bianca’s not here to make friends (oh lord) — she wants to be an icon and she doesn’t care if you think she’s a bitch. Well, she’s obviously not going to care what I think.

The girls strut down Melrose Place until the Jays arrive with a limo to pick them up. Like hookers, but I’m sure that was unintentional. They stop at Sally Hershberger’s salon where Mr. Jay points out that Amber is missing, everyone pretends to be concerned, and then Jay introduces Lisa the Replacement. The girls then pretend to be happy to see her. Lisa looks like a young, fresh Michelle Rodriguez without the DUIs and muscles. She also has perfectly manicured eyebrows that look … a little too perfectly manicured. Brittany and Bianca both interview that Lisa’s no threat – she’s boring and quiet and they’re not sure why she was brought back. Lisa interviews that because she wasn’t supposed to be here, she needs to be that much better.

Then it’s time for Ty-overs! (Scream!) Yes, I can’t believe that Tyra is actually calling them Ty-overs now. I hope to never, ever use that term again. I’m a little disappointed we’re getting the makeovers already, but maybe short girls need all the help they can get.

Blonde Brittany receives dark brown hair, and Erin turns into a platinum blonde with platinum eyebrows. She now looks exactly like Mena Suvari. Rachel’s light brown hair goes dark, dark brown – a very nice improvement. Jennifer’s brows are reshaped and she loses length to her hair. Lisa also goes slightly shorter, so not much change to her either. Sundai loses her heavy weave and gains a “Rihanna” cut. I think she looked better with the longer hair, but you know, Tyra’s a genius as she so often reminds us, so I’ll trust her. Courtney’s short red hair gains more red and gets a shorter, punk cut. Lulu’s weave falls past her shoulders and gives her blunt bangs. Bianca with her shaven head can’t have much done in the way of hair, so Tyra bleaches her eyebrows. Bianca whines through the bleaching process because of the pain. Women everywhere roll their eyes. She fears she’ll look like Dennis Rodman and complains about the look. Nicole also receives red to her hair, and Tyra turns it into a rat’s nest. Already blonde Rae receives more ice coloring and bleached eyebrows. So…exactly what Erin received. Highlights for Kentucky and Kara, and a long, black, center part weave for Ashley.

In general, no emotional breakdowns and except for Bianca, everyone’s pretty pleased with their changes.

To the new house! As usual, it’s gorgeous despite the pictures of Tyra everywhere. There are funhouse mirrors and oversized furniture. It’s pretty awesome.

Bianca grates on people’s nerves but Kentucky’s naivete cuts the tension. Nicole tells us how in her last year of high school she sat by herself and the girls try to figure out the redheaded weirdo. Bianca flat out tells her, “I think there’s something wrong with you.”

Photo shoot. The girls are shown one of their baby pictures and must reinterpret the baby photo as a high fashion photo.

Jay thinks Erin lucked into a great photo because of her cool Mena Suvari makeover. Lulu works the props and Rachel needs to be “a little more than adorable,” according to Erin. Rae has fake drama over impossible heels that she was never meant to actually walk in. Jay calls her stunning. Courtney looks gorgeous. Bianca’s energy drops because she doesn’t like her makeup or her outfit. Jay tells her to pull it together, then says the poses are strong but the face is too severe. Brittany turns her pixie stick prop into porn shoot. As if I need to explain. Lisa has an awesome clown-esque outfit, but has no energy or change in expression. Ashley “makes the shot look expensive.” Sundai’s shoot wasn’t “elevated or current,” and falls flat. Nicole’s silence worries Jay, but she rocks out her shoot. Kara produces a better profile shot than a straight on photo. Kentucky looks almost like a different person in full makeup and nails the shoot. Jennifer also rocks her photos.

Judging. Tyra’s lost weight, and shows it off in another pair of weird pants and, basically, a bra top. Guest judge Chanel Iman. Then there’s Nigel and Ms. J, but no Paulina! This cycle, the modeling contract will be with Wilhelmina Models, because they don’t mind the short ladies.

Up first: Rachel looks taller in her photo, and aside from some weird hand posing, nails it. As does Ashley, who has a dancer’s background, it turns out. Brittany produces a sexy photo, and shortens her frame by curling up. Jennifer is “stunning,” “brilliant,” and creative. Tyra cautions Kara about only having a strong profile shot. Rae blows the judges out of the water, especially Chanel Iman. Sundai deflates under the criticism for her photo – the energy is down and the expression off. Lisa doesn’t pull off the concept because of her expression and pose. Nicole needs to smile with her eyes more, but the judges still love it. Ms. J calls it “Major!” and Chanel calls it “fierce.” The judges also love Kentucky’s photo, though Chanel advises on how to improve posing. Tyra calls Bianca out on her complaints about her makeup and clothes, though the photo is good. Erin produces a great shot, but she could have turned it up a notch. Nigel loves Lulu’s photo, and Chanel loves Courtney’s, calling it painting-like.

Over deliberation, it’s more of the same, so bring the girls on out! Best photo of the week goes to Rae and her 8-inch heels. The bottom two are Bianca and Lisa. Lisa’s personality isn’t coming out, and Bianca’s complaining means modeling might not be the industry for her. But what’s ANTM without a villain? Bianca stays, and boring Lisa goes home. Perhaps if she’d channeled a little more Michelle Rodriguez minus the alcohol issues, she might have lasted longer.

All in all, I love how genuinely excited these girls are to be here – for the most part, they’re less about being attention whores and more about hoping for genuine success. I don’t even mind Bianca as much as I did the taller villains. Maybe Tyra really is changing the modeling industry!

Next week: An early elimination and Tyra’s a superhero. As if her ego weren’t large enough.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 2: The Early Bird Gets a Makeover (originally aired September 9, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Baldomero Fernandez