Dancing With The Stars: Back, Bigger, and Better Than Ever

Wow. This season of Dancing with the Stars is mammoth. 16 contestants and a 3 day premiere, complete with double eliminations and a new relay portion of the competition. Same crabby, horny judges and annoying hosts. So let’s get to it kiddies!

 First up are the eight male celebs. Here are my thoughts on each contestant, in the order in which they danced. The men danced either the Cha Cha Cha or the Foxtrot.

 Aaron Carter & Karina: They did the  Cha Cha Cha. Like most of the celebrity contestants, he’s completely enamored with his professional partner. He’s cute, but not as cute as he thinks. He brings a small amount of dancing experience from his days as a pop singer and performer, as well as a lot of athleticism, making him a formidable opponent for the other guys. He’s pretty flirty with Karina, but hopefully she won’t “go there” with him like she did with Mario Lopez when they were paired up a few seasons ago. Aaron’s a little too young for her.  His Cha Cha Cha was ok, and the judges all thought he had potential. Here were their scores: Carrie Ann: 7 Bruno: 7 Len: 8. Hopefully the tight pants don’t reveal too much at any point this season if he gets too happy around Karina.

 Chuck Liddell & Anna: They have the Foxtrot. Bruno didn’t like it, but the crowd seemed to enjoy the performance. He’s definitely a crowd favorite. I thought his footwork was sloppy. Measured praise from Carrie Ann. Len said it was better than he thought it would be. He wants the MMA fighter to get in touch with his feminine side, good luck with that. He looked like a bit of an oaf out there and seemed scared and reserved. I can tell he’s out of his comfort zone. Carrie Ann: 6. Len and Bruno: 5.

 Mark Dacascos and Lacey: This guy Mark is supposedly a film and television actor. Really? He’s the Iron Chef dude. He has a martial arts background so that will probably serve him well throughout the competition with strength and muscle control.   He has good hips. Of all the songs in the world, they dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Kung Fu Fighting.”   He and Lacey are also wearing Asian-themed costumes. Way to play the race card; damn he’s ok with that? LOL. Their dance was very good and incorporated his martial arts training. He did lots of kicks and karate chops, which was unintentionally hilarious. Carrie Ann wasn’t offended by the shameless references to his ethnicity but I am? Weird! Carrie Ann liked him. Len didn’t like the gimmick and says there should be no kung fu when he gets around to the waltz. Bruno thought he lost his timing with the tricks, but said the talent was there. His critique was mostly positive. I can’t remember his scores, but they were relatively strong.

 Ashley Hamilton & Edyta: The sexpot and the handsome man. Edyta has always been allergic to clothing, and nothing’s changed.  I’m not sure what qualifies Ashley to be a star. He’s just George Hamilton’s son.  He says it’s like keeping it in the family since Edyta danced with his dad too. Something about that sounds kinky. Wow, I admire him. He survived a motorcycle accident and was in a wheelchair for a year, which is amazing. He kinda looks like a news reporter. He and Edyta have the Foxtrot. He looks like he’d be graceful because he’s handsome and long and lean, but not really. Not so good, to me. Len liked his footwork but said there was roughness that he needs finesse. Bruno didn’t like it. Carrie Ann said he didn’t separate himself. Bruno: 4 Carrie Ann: 5. Len: 6.

 Donny “the wuss” Osmond and Kim: His mere presence annoys me. He’s a cheeseball copying off his sister. Good Foxtrot though. He’s a showman, it fits with being cheesy. They danced to “All that Jazz” and it had a Broadway feel. The camera pans to a shot of Jermaine Jackson and Marie Osmond, WTF. When the dance was over Donny let out a scream. What a tool. Bruno babbled about full frontal something or other and says it wasn’t as good as the theatrics. Carrie Ann agrees, and so do I. Cut the shit Donny. For some reason the crowd likes him. Len thought it needed more ballroom and less Broadway. 7s from Carrie Ann and Bruno. 6 from Len.

 Louie Vito and Chelsie: Who is this cat? Looks like Breckin Meyer and dude from Alpha Dog. A quick visit to abc.com tells me he’s a snowboarder. So-so Foxtrot. Carrie Ann said he gave honest effort and respected the dance. He has a cute smile. Len said the technique was good and he enjoyed it very much. Bruno expresses the female sentiment better than Carrie Ann and says that he was so cute. Carrie Ann and Bruno: 6. Len: 7.

 Michael Irvin and Anna: He says he participated in the show because of his lifetime rivalry with Jerry Rice, who made it to the finals a few seasons ago. He wants to be able to say he beat Jerry Rice. He sux! His Cha Cha Cha is awful. He starts out with lousy James Brown- type moves and does weird things with his mouth. He’s making horrible facial expressions. At least he shaved his pits, unlike Emmitt Smith, who appeared to have Buckwheat in a headlock when he was on the show. The judges are not gonna like this Cha Cha Cha because it is not technical at all. Len said “not a great first date.” More content, less slick. Bruno said he had a great presence and was a crowd pleaser but he had poor footwork and timing. Carrie Ann said he beats Jerry Rice on charisma and blamed Anna for a lack of content. Carrie Ann: 5. Len/Bruno: 4

 Tom Delay and Cheryl: Cheryl Burke will not be going to the finals this year, not with Tom Delay – who I must admit is a jolly good sport. Funny to watch him work his hips! Cheryl says he may not be as young and in shape as the other guys but he’s charming. Backhanded compliment, ouch! I have a newfound respect for the guy though, a conservative trying to be sexy. They performed to “Wild Thing” and he mouthed the words. He was cheesy like Donny but much more likeable. I’ve seen worse. I hope he sticks around for a few weeks. It always sucks to be the first to go. His Cha Cha Cha was stiff but Cheryl makes most people look good. Carrie Ann said it was surreal and gave him a 6.  She said he was graceful and light on his feet. Bruno said he was crazier than Sarah Palin and gave him a 5.  Len said the Cha Cha Cha was good, but not the other showmanship crap that he did. He gave Tom a 5. 

 Salsa relay: This is something new that they’re doing this season. The 8 couples will split into 2 groups of 4 and be ranked accordingly. Weird. The first group is comprised of everyone that initially danced the Foxtrot. They will now dance the Salsa. The young boys (Louie and Aaron) are fond of back flips and open up with a few.

Ashley and Edyta: Hot thanks to Edyta.

Chuck and Anna: Pretty good.

Donny and Kim: I hate him. Not sexy at all.

Louie and Chelsea: He back flips like he was shot out of a rocket. Top that Tom Delay.  

Judge feedback and ranking: Carrie Ann says Donny smoked them, WTF? Len slams Ashley by saying it was a dance only a father could love. Ouch! Bruno gives Chuck props. From worst to best: Ashley, Craig, Louie, Donny

Viennese Waltz relay: The second group is comprised of the guys who initially performed a Cha Cha Cha. They will now do the Viennese Waltz.

Michael and Anna: Michael redeems himself with a more graceful performance. He does better, but I think he should wipe the smile off his face. He looked like he was laughing! He ended with a kiss and it looks like he enjoyed planting one on the side of Anna’s dome. Is he married?

Cheryl and Tom: Cheryl tries to create an “older man” back-story for Tom, which shouldn’t be hard. Tom is rather timid but the gentlemanly nature of the dance suits him.

Aaron and Karina: Aaron goes first and would appear very dapper if he didn’t look 17. He’s graceful and elegant.

Mark and Lacey: Iron Chef looks stiff, though I guess that’s good for the Waltz.

Judge feedback and ranking: The judges generally liked the entire group and ranked them from worst to best: Tom, Michael, Mark, Aaron.

Now it’s time for the ladies!

 Debi Mazar and Maks: She’s a pistol and he may have met his match. This actress is gonna be a handful. Not since Leila Ali will Maks have had such a strong partner. Maks says she has zero attention span and they show footage of her incessant chattering. Damn Maks is hot. She’s a little timid and amateurish but not bad. The Salsa was ok. Carrie Ann says it’s so much tougher for the women because the professionals performed the previous day and gives her a 6. Len said she had good energy and potential but bad footwork and gives her a 5. Bruno says that she has potential but that her timing was bad, giving her a 5. She has a positive attitude and ran her mouth too much during her rehearsal, but she should stick around at least past the first week.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark: Mark is the reigning champ. The pair dance a very dramatic Viennese Waltz. Mark is handsome and dapper. Their dance was graceful and Melissa’s carriage was good, in my amateur opinion. There was an awkward pseudo-split at the end. Bruno asks if she’s nervous and then lets out a cackle. He said it was prim and proper but lacked magic. Carrie Ann said she had a few moments and she’s elegant but it was choppy. Len said it was sweet and sickly. Good holds and movement, but bad feet. Overall it was ok. 6s all around from the judges.

Mya and Richard: I have a soft spot for my “twin.” People have been saying we look alike for years. She seems to have a crush on her partner, a recurring theme.  When I first heard she would be on the show I didn’t think it was fair, because homegirl can dance her ass off. We might as well add Usher, Janet Jackson and Jennifer Lopez to the lineup next season. Oh well, Mya’s experience is no secret, so I’ll judge her like everyone else. She has an advantage, and I expect her to emerge as a frontrunner. Once they showed the rehearsal footage I see that the competition is a challenge for her, despite her experience. Once their dance begins I’m shaking my head because she’s killin’ ‘em already. Beautiful and graceful. Len goes apeshit because her Waltz wasn’t traditional. Bruno goes equally apeshit in her defense. Len said Rich let her down by not doing a proper Waltz. 8s from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and a 5 from Len, damn shame.

Kathy Ireland and Tony: Kathy says just because she was a model doesn’t mean she’s coordinated. Tony gave her timing exercises. They dance the Salsa. She’s gorgeous but not very good. She’s timid and stiff, and doesn’t look comfortable. The dance looks painful at times. Len said she was far too careful, but there is potential. Bruno said there was no passion, and she didn’t sell it. “Salsa is sex and without sex it doesn’t work.” Carrie Ann said she had great posture but she needs to loosen up. Bruno says he likes a loose woman. Kathy is a sweetie but I don’t think she’ll be around too long. 5s from Len and Bruno. 6 from Carrie Ann.

Natalie Coughlin and Alek: He’s the original champ from season one. They will be dancing the Salsa. She’s not bad, I see the potential. She at least is moving her hips. She brings her competitive athletic nature to the competition. Bruno says that she is a million dollar mermaid lol. He says that she has fantastic shapes but she has to sustain it all the way through. Carrie Ann said she’s a diamond in the rough, and had nice pointed toes. Len said he’s bewildered. Salsa is sexy and steamy and these gorgeous girls can’t knock his socks off. 7 from Carrie Ann. 6s from Bruno and Len. Natalie explains that she’s not used to worrying about her facial expressions as a swimmer, but she’ll have to pay attention now. By the way co-host Samantha is a blithering idiot.

Macy Gray and Jonathan: She’s here because her mom got so excited at the prospect. Her hair is ridiculous. She performs a very ladylike Viennese Waltz. She’s challenged by the dance. They only had one week to train before they left for her European tour, which doesn’t help because she needs work. I don’t think Jonathan is too fond of her. Hey she’s not half bad! She’s making a dumb ass face though, mouth agape. WTF Macy. Carrie Ann says there is something fascinating and bizarre about her, and that she enjoyed it. Len said if he was at home he’d be voting for her, and that’s high praise coming from him. Bruno says it was like watching a child taking its first steps, and now it’s time to work on the technique. They were all charmed by her. Macy says she’s glad she got the first dance out of the way and busted her cherry, which sends the censors scrambling and the judges into fits of laughter. Gotta love live television. Carrie Ann:6  Len:4  Bruno:5 

Joanna and Derek: These 2 might hook up. They’re so blond and cute. She seems stuck-up. There’s lots of flirting going on, which should make for an interesting Salsa. They are hot! She’s great, she knows how to move, and they are sexy. Len and Bruno should be pleased. Len says: finally a hot Salsa. Bruno and Carrie Ann like it too. Carrie Ann says she has confidence and the choreography was good. She gets 8s across the board. They are soooo gonna screw. Samantha says that Derek always has pretty partners. I hope the other contestants don’t take offense.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis: Kelly will be dancing a Viennese Waltz and must turn from a tomboy to a princess. She says she’s been fat her whole life because she hates sweating. I think she left out the “likes eating” part.  I must say she looks pretty and elegant. When she begins to dance I’m pleasantly surprised. She has very good footwork. They do a small lift, and I wonder if Carrie Ann is gonna go bonkers because of it. Every season she goes crazy when the couples do lifts, because that is apparently not allowed. She’s the only one who ever seems to have a problem with it though. Sharon, Kelly’s mother is moved to tears and I can dig it; it was great. She runs to hug Ozzie. Bruno says she is a vision of grace and elegance. Carrie Ann says that Sharon and Ozzie should be proud, and that she got chills. Len says it’s the best Waltz of the night. Kelly is moved to tears. Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 8 Bruno: 8.

Tom Bergeron keeps saying vice-a versa. Ugh.

Foxtrot relay: Kathy and Natalie are being pitted against one another for some reason by their partners.

Natalie and Alec: They are great. She’s great, very elegant.

Kathy and Tony: She’s better here but not better than Natalie. She’s still kinda uptight.

Joanna and Derek: She’s ok but not as good as I thought she’d be. I think Natalie is the best so far.

Debi and Maks: It’s ok but looks choppy and she should work on her face.

Judge feedback and ranking : Carrie Ann said Debi was muscling?? Len gave good comments all around. Bruno praises Natalie and Joanna and says she’s still smoking. His praise of Debi and Kathy is more measured. Worst to best: Kathy, Debi, Natalie, and Joanna. Joanna starts shrieking. Come on girl, be a better sport. She’s conceited. Debi looks like she wants to smack her.

Cha Cha Cha relay: Kelly is worried about Mya because “she’s sexy and Kelly is not.” They’re all worried about her and they should be.

Macy and Jonathan: I knew Macy wouldn’t be good at the Latin dances because she’s too stiff and those dances are not suited for her.

Melissa and Mark: She’s ok but nothing special.

Mya and Richard: Mya’s gonna smash, or so I think. She does ok but could’ve been better, there was too much posing.

Kelly and Louis: Kelly actually has good footwork.

Judge feedback and ranking: Len says Macy’s busy schedule is catching up to her. Nice way of saying she sucked. Bruno was positive and loved Mya and Kelly; they were the best. Carrie Ann slams Macy nicely. From worst to best: Macy, Melissa, Kelly, Mya.

Results: I thought Ashley was the worst guy and Kathy was the worst girl. Ashley and Michael were in the bottom two, and Ashley is the first guy sent home. That was fair. Turning to the women, Macy and Kathy are in the bottom two. This is fair, because they are the two worst women, but I think Macy showed more promise. Unfortunately, she was sent home. I don’t agree, but it’s no huge travesty. I think Kathy will be gone next week.

Whew! I’m out of breath! This season is off to a great start. There are always clear leaders in the beginning, as well as those who flat-out suck. You’ll be surprised how the tables can turn though, after a few weeks of practice. I look forward to witnessing the transformation.

Season 9, Week 1: Episodes 1 -3(originally aired September 21 and 22 and 23, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC