Glee: All You Fly Mothers, Get on Out There and Dance

After months of waiting, Glee is finally here!

We begin with Mr. Schuester (hereinafter “Mr. Schu”) greeting his glee club members on the way into school.  They’re all very excited about the club.  Guidance counselor Emma is also excited that Mr. Schu is talking to her but Cheerios coach Sue wants to meet with Mr. Schu to talk about iron tablets to keep up your menstruation.  (Thankfully neither of them menstruate.)  Anyway, she points out that if glee club doesn’t get to regionals his program is canceled and he currently doesn’t have enough students to meet the minimum requirements.  She suggests he consult the special ed rosters.  Of course he knows she’s only doing this so she’ll get more funding for the Cheerios (and Mr. Schu can wash her underwear).  Anyway, he’s not backing down.

Finn’s having his own issues as his girlfriend, Quinn, is concerned people think Finn’s gay now for joining the glee club and she’s not cool with being a beard.  Rachel snaps at Quinn and walks off just in time for two slushies to go flying into her face.  And faster than Mercedes can say, “hell to the no,” our kids break into a rousing rendition of Chic’s “Le Freak.” The kids would prefer something more modern for the school assembly.  Mr. Schu disagrees.

Back in Mr. Schu’s personal life, he and his wife are buying a house so she can cut down her own Christmas tree and have her own craft room so she doesn’t go all Susan Smith on her unborn child (apparently postpartum runs in her family).  So on the house tour, the house is clearly too expensive for them even if they cut out Applebee’s.  Thankfully, Terri makes her Sophie’s Choice and wants the house anyway.  Mr. Schu relents.

At the next rehearsal, Mr. Schu is sticking with their disco routine but he’s open to some Kanye at regionals.  As the kids sing, “Gold Digger,” we get some clips of the Schusters planning their new house and some lackluster lip syncing we haven’t seen since Zac Efron in High School Musical.

Emma finds Rachel trying to throw up but unfortunately she doesn’t have a gag reflex, which Emma explains will be useful when she grows up.  Anyway, they after-school special a talk about bulimia, and it’s clear that Emma is projecting her issues for Mr. Schu on Rachel’s wanting to be thin to attract a boy, i.e., Finn.

We cut to a meeting of Finn, Rachel, Sue, and Mr. Schu with Principal Figgins about Finn and Rachel using the Cheerios photocopy machine (paid for by alumni donations) to make 17 flyers for the glee club.  Ever the King Solomon, Figgins has the kids pay back the $2.00 in copy costs but justice wept for Sue, who has to clean up her own spilled protein shake off the floor (she gets Figgins to do it after a note from the school nurse).  As further aggravation to Mr. Schu, he takes a bath with his wife and explains he can’t find a second job to afford the new house; she doesn’t like that answer and has a mild meltdown.  So the next day he asks Figgins to take a nighttime janitor position (at half salary) to please his Lady Macbeth of a wife.

To get closer to Finn, Rachel joins the Celibacy Club but the girls and boys meet separately for the first half hour of the meeting.  The girls talk about keeping their nether-regions pure while the boys (namely Finn) discuss dead kittens and premature ejaculation during grinding.  When the genders reunite they practice dancing with a balloon between them, an angel dies when Finn’s balloon pops. Rachel uses this as an opportunity to talk about the c-word (contraception) and she storms out.

In similar sexual tension between genders, Mr. Schu and Emma talk about their problems while he’s moonlighting as the janitor.  He puts some chalk dust on her nose to see if she can tolerate a minor mess.  It’s awkwardly intimate because he’s married; she realizes this and leaves quickly.

Rachel, a/k/a the Eva Peron of the Glee Club, gavels in a club meeting to say they’re going to give the school a sexy show at the assembly.  At the assembly, the curtain pulls back to the kids singing a knee pad-clad version of Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It.” Mr. Schu is shocked at the new routine; Sue is shocked at Figgins’s toe tapping to the beat.  Rachel must like it as well because she gets to grind up and down on Finn for most of the song.  The students erupt into cheers and this just lands another meeting in Figgins’s office with Mr. Schu and Sue.  Sue has not seen anything this offensive in all her years of teaching, which included an elementary school version of Hair. Figgins isn’t cancelling glee club but he gives Mr. Schu a list of new approved songs and cuts more of Sue’s budget for new uniforms for glee club.  Mr. Schu is, in a word, upset.

In a private rehearsal session, Finn and Rachel flirt and sing.  After one round of virgin cosmopolitans, he’s on top of her and they’re making out. Yes, it happens that fast.  He needs to leave in a hurry (see above about his rubbing issues) and tells Rachel not to tell anyone about what happened.  Quinn is up to no good when she and two other cheerleaders decide they want to join glee club; we know this is just a ruse so she can keep an eye on Finn.  They audition with “I Say A Little Prayer” and it’s a cute number with decent lip syncing.  While initially upset about this development, Sue is glad she has some spies in glee to help bring down the club.

We end with Mr. Schu getting the brush off from Emma (thanks to a comment to back off from Coach Ken) and he’s disappointed.  He heads home and his wife lies about what happened at the gyno–she’s really only having a hysterical pregnancy, i.e., she’s not really pregnant; however, she pretends she’s having a boy and compromises by telling Mr. Schu to give up the janitor job because she doesn’t want the new house.  And Rachel sings us out with Rihanna’s “Take a Bow” after Mr. Schu tells her he’s giving the new solo to Quinn.

And there you have it Gleekers, the first official episode of the new season. Some good stuff in here, even if at times the story dragged over the whole hour.  I’m glad to see they’ve found a good way to hook the character of Sue into the plot and not relegated the brilliant Jane Lynch to a few minutes each week.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 2: Showmance (originally aired September 9, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Wednesdays at 9pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro