Bones…James Bones

Yes, you guessed it. This week, Temperance Brennan and Seeley Booth find themselves in unfamiliar territory: international espionage. And the killer they’re after may just be James Bond. He used a Walther PPK and he drives an Aston Martin. His victim: a diamond courier with a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. The killer sneaks up behind the courier in a dark parking garage, blasts him and then cuts off his hand so he can speed away with the briefcase. But what’s inside? We have a classic MacGuffin on our hands.

Brennan and Booth show up on the scene. Booth’s big dilemma this week is that he has a leaky sink, and post-coma he can’t quite recall his plumbing skills. To pay a plumber would cost $800, which he can’t and doesn’t want to afford. Brennan offers to pay for it, as her latest book is cleaning up on the bestseller list. Her publisher even gave her a celebratory Rolex. Sweets suggests instead that Brennan help Booth remember his skills and allow him to teach her how to do it. Just once in their relationship, Brennan should be the student and not the master. It would make Booth feel good to be able to have some kind of specialized knowledge that Brennan doesn’t have that he can hold over her. But first they have to solve a murder, and this is a case that sends Hodgins full on into his government conspiracy theories. He’s happy like a pig in…you know. It’s fun to watch.

Complicating matters though is the State Department. A young official shows up and tells Booth that this case has to be handled with discretion, because the victim had diplomatic clearance and the matter could be a national security threat. Mr. State Department questions whether or not Booth is the right man for the job. Naturally, Booth bristles and brings up his experience as an Army Ranger and his impeccable record. Booth also has to deal with a prickly CIA guy after they find another body…the body of James Bond, stuffed into the trunk of his Aston Martin with his CIA badge still pinned to him. Turns out the guy wasn’t an agent though, merely an analyst. Not that that’s a bad thing, I mean Jack Ryan started out as a CIA analyst and look how much ass he’s kicked.

For a minute, I thought we might be in trouble because the revolving-door intern thing started again this week. But at least there was a point: Wendell, the nice, poor guy that isn’t nearly as annoying as the other interns, lost his scholarship due to funding cutbacks. The Jeffersonian gang have to figure out how to let him down gently. Of course, you know that someone will arrange for him to be able to stay. But who does it is a suprise.

From there, we get a series of power struggles, hidden maps, and scary cats. This is a fairly lighthearted episode, but unlike several of the shows from last season, it is lighthearted without being stupid. It’s a good mystery, and the tonal balance is right; it works. There’s also a couple of really strong Booth/Brennan scenes towards the end, the scenes that make the show what it is. I think the season is shaping up rather strongly and consistently, and as a devoted fan that’s great news.

Season 5, Episode 2: The Bond in the Boot (originally aired September 25, 2009)

For more on Bones, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

America’s Next Top Model: Make Me Tall

This week’s ANTM theme: Karma. Also, someone challenges Bianca’s status as this cycle’s villain. Could I have been wrong about Bianca being the biggest bitch in the house?

Ashley interviews that she doesn’t want her training as a dancer to hurt her progress which it seemed to do last week. Then she comments about hating Bianca, and we’re all on board because Bianca’s a bitch, yo. Nicole follows that up with sad eyes and basically clues us in that Ashley’s a nasty Gossip Girl, with Lulu as her little “delusional” sidekick. Then it’s Ashley and Lulu talking about everyone for the rest of the episode.

We learn that Bianca likes and misses Courtney, until Sundai breaks it down and tells her that Courtney used to talk to Lulu behind Bianca’s back. Bianca wonders why Lulu didn’t tell her. Ashley doesn’t like Brittany’s “forgettable” runway walk, and basically, doesn’t like Brittany whether she’ll admit it or not. She’s also tired of “negative” Bianca.

When Nicole tries to befriend Bianca, Ashley warns her away because Nicole is “naïve.” Thankfully, Nicole may be awkward but she has her own mind. For her part, Bianca reveals her history with an abusive boyfriend to Nicole. While I don’t doubt that this happened, we’ll find out if it’s later used as an excuse for all of her awful behavior. Maybe in a very special Tyra-counseling episode.

Now that that nonsense is out of the way, the girls meet up with Ms. J for a runway teach. Pint-sized Diva Davanna shows the girls that height don’t mean a thing and walks with more attitude then Bianca can dish out at her best. The girls then walk for Ms. J and receive critiques. Most notably, Ms. J hates Lulu’s walk, loves Brittany’s surprising sexiness, and Ashley walks too much like a dancer. Later, Ashley and Lulu try “to help” Brittany with her runway walk, but Brittany gives up on them, because … come on, would you listen to those two?

It’s challenge time! The next day, the girls arrive at a mansion in Malibu to walk a fashion show for Kevan Hall. The twist? Our shorties will be paired with girls 5’10” and above. Ann Shoket appears to announce that the winner will do a prom spread for Seventeen. Kentucky emphasizes how utterly, utterly amazing that would be. At least for her, because you know, her mama always told her that every walkway is a runway. So work it, girl!

Most of the girls do well, with Ashley even saying that they showed the tall girls up. Not even a little, but okay. Afterwards, the girls receive critiques. Lulu and Ashley hear negative notes, and Brittany ultimately wins. She chooses Kentucky and Kara to join her in the Seventeen spread.

Photo shoot. The girls work on a set that will help them appear taller. Lulu and Ashley continue to talk smack about Brittany specifically, and others presumably. Brittany’s up first with the other girls watching. Jay thinks she shortened all of her proportions, and Lulu talks about how poorly she thinks Brittany did. Kara has potential, and Laura struggles a little bit. Jay calls Lulu’s shoot her worst, “boring, boring, just about got it…ish.” Jennifer is “stunning,” and she nails it. Nicole also has an easy time. Ashley surprises Jay by doing well and progressing. Sundai and Rae have problems with facial expressions, and Erin is “disgustingly gorgeous.” Jay pulls a soft expression out of Bianca when he asks her about what warms her heart. Answer: Jesus.

Brittany feels she’s safe at panel because she won the challenge (and that’s just stupid) while Lulu and Ashley gossip again about how poorly Brittany did. They guess she’s going home. Let’s see what happens!

Judging. Guest judge: Jaime Rishar. Erin’s photo wows the judges and succeeds at making her look taller. Bianca’s photo shows her vulnerability, so the panel is happy with this new side of her. Brittany looks short in her photo, but at least she’s smizing (oh lord, Tyra). Sundai looks “stunning” and relaxed with presence. Kentucky also shortens herself in her photo, but Jennifer has a “beautiful” picture. Tyra says she can’t see Jennifer’s eye problem and says “Ptosis is something you have that’s nobody else’s business.” Except when we choose to highlight it on television for nearly an entire episode. Nicole blows the judges away by looking at least six feet tall, helped by a super-long dress. Lulu looks pretty and “average,” but not fashion. Kara literally wows Nigel, and Jaime calls it one of the best so far. Rae also looks short in her picture. Ashley elongates slightly, but loses it with her expression.

After deliberation, we line them back up and called first: Kara. Well, I’m surprised. Bottom two: Lulu and Brittany. That’s just about perfect. Lulu is pretty but lacks tension in photos, while Brittany might be a fluke. Going home: Lulu. Some people call that karma. I say thank goodness. There are some aspects of high school we shouldn’t have to watch again on television.

Next week: Tyra’s taking the photos. Already!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 4: Make Me Tall (originally aired September 23, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Firooz Zahedi, and Michael Desmond.

Jaar To Join Poptimal.com: Pop Culture Website to Add RupertGint.Net Webmiss To Its Arsenal Of Talent

Washington, D.C. Metro – September, 27 2009 – Poptimal.com heads into its second fall season of  television and movie reviews with an extra jolt of youth and talent by adding Stephanie Jaar to its management arsenal.  Jaar will assume the role of Junior Editor.

Jaar is the site manager (Co-Webmiss) of RupertGint.net, a literary magazine  dedicated to following the rising career of the British actor who plays Ronald Weasley in the Harry Potter movie franchise.  Under Jaar’s leadership, RupertGint.net has become on of the Internet’s leading magazine for the actor.

Zuberi Williams, Editor-in-Chief of Poptimal.com commented: “We are excited to have Stephanie on board.  She understands what young people are talking about in pop culture circles around the world.  We are truly lucky to have her writing ability and industry grassroots know how.”

Jaar  is a native of Paris, France.  She currently attends a top journalism program in Washington, DC.  Commenting on her new position, Jaar stated that she  plans to enjoy transforming DC  from a political Mecca to the preferred location of Reese Witherspoon’s latest film.

Stephanie Jaar Biography

Position: Junior Editor
Education: American University (Journalism)
Hometown: Paris, France
Favorite Movie: Harry Potter
Favorite TV: Wipe Out
Email: Stephanie.Jaar@poptimal.com

Jaar is a native of Paris, France.  She is the youngest member of the Poptimal.com team and is currently an undergraduate majoring in journalism.  She chides herself for spending far too much time reading up on pop culture.

Jaar is site manager (Webmiss) of RupertGint.net, a literary magazine dedicated to following the British actor that plays Ronald Weasley in the Harry Potter movie franchise.  Under Jaar’s leadership, RupertGint.net has become the Internet’s leading magazine for the actor.

Currently, she lives in the Washington, D.C. metro area and enjoys the transformation of the city from a political Mecca to the preferred location of Reese Witherspoon’s latest film.

Contact:
Editor-in-Chief
Poptimal LLC
8639B 16th Street, #243
Silver Spring, MD 20910
www.poptimal.com
editor@poptimal.com

The Jone Dome’s Writer’s Arch (Extract)

The Writer’s Arch is an extension of the Jone Dome, where Poptimal.com’s best writers join Ference and Sebastian to have a spirited debate, sometimes drag out fight, about movies they have just seen.  And by just, we mean immediately before the show.

This episode is a discussion  movie Extract staring Justin Bateman and Mila Kunis with writers Renata Sellitti and Jamal Henry. Feat. Host Sebastian!!

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Did Lisa Really Just Say That?

Thanks to this week’s episode of Real Housewives of the A-T-L, I can never look at pocketbooks the same way again. Plus, I’m still traumatized by Lisa’s potty mouth ways.  Anyone who saw the action this week knows exactly what I’m talking about when I say that Lisa’s powers of speech should now be curtailed after she flung around a word that is not very ladylike, to say the least. While we’re on the topic of people who should no longer be allowed to talk, can I nominate Shereè too? No? Fine, can’t blame a girl for trying.

Kandi and Lisa this week took part in the new production of the “Pocketbook Monologues”, which is apparently Atlanta’s version of the “Vagina Monologues”, which I’d love to comment on but neither of those things interest me in the least bit. Lisa did alright, for someone who had no charisma on stage and had recently learned to speak, zing! Kandi knocked her speech out of the park though, portraying an HIV-postive prostitute who had been molested. Powerful stuff, Kandi, I have to tip my hat. Even Dwight was blown away, and he’s usually pretty underwhelmed by everything the ladies do. Kandi didn’t have time to bask in the glow of her performance, though, she was too busy trying to dodge bullets and stay out of the battle that was about to erupt between Kim and NeNe – more on that, later.

Meanwhile, Kim tells her friend Cori that her on again off again beau, Big Papa, is on again…again. After her brush with death at the alter-ego party where she (gasp) fell down 3 stairs and hurt her ankle, he told her to go pamper herself and sent Kim and her daughters off to the Bahamas for a vacation. He even managed to steal away from his own wife and family for a day to meet up with them and take her out to dinner, what a stand up guy! Kim, clearly fiending for another shopping spree, decided to let Big Papa back into her life because she “needs a provider for her girls.” Um, Kim, here’s the thing: YOU’RE supposed to provide for your girls, and not in a way that utilizes your giant boobs. There are these things called “jobs”, and lots of people have them. Ugly people in your opinion, granted, but it is a commonly accepted form of income. Oh, and then Kim went shopping for some new jewelry and all was right in the universe again.

So Shereè finally got to have her “Independence party”, and it only took her 2 years of divorce proceedings and one party planner casualty to get there! To mark her own fabulousness (as if she needed another excuse to do that), she decided that the centerpiece of her festivities should be a wall-sized portrait of herself. Right, because that’s exactly what the world needs, more of Shereè. The artist she commissioned to paint the masterpiece told her he could see into her soul and there was nothing superficial about her, and her own mom thought the portrait captured her “innocence.”  I’m just wondering, were we all looking at the same portrait? Because I thought it captured her vanity and narcissism quite well, but I don’t know about all the rest of that. The painting was unveiled at her big fiesta, only that wasn’t the only highlight of the night – NeNe and Kim threw down, and then NeNe and Kandi had it out, too. Damn, NeNe was on a tear – I guess getting cut out of Kim’s “Tardy for the Party” track didn’t sit well with her. She should be happy that she’s not tied to that project, however, because rumor has it that Kandi’s producer is suing Kim because she never paid him and therefore doesn’t own the rights to the song. Yikes.

Even though this episode contained the two main ingredients for success – a catfight and a Dwight appearance – it still seemed lackluster to me. The scenes for next week reveal a big joint birthday party between Kim and Kandi, a surprise gift from Big Papa, NeNe holding a grudge against Kim (shocker), and Kandi having pre-performance jitters. I have a feeling that that may be it for season 2, though, since no other episode information is available after that. Looks like a knock-down-drag-out reunion show could be on the horizon soon, Housewife fans, so get excited.

Season 2, Episode 9: Precious Pocketbook (originally aired September 24 2009)

For more on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, click here

Thursdays at 10pm on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Quantrell Colbert

So You Think You Can Dance: Beantown Gets Down

It’s the birthplace of The Revolution!!! We’re in Boston, home of the Red Sox, the long A, John Krasinski and New Kids on the Block. Having one So You Think You Can Dance per week really frees up time for me to have a social life, but I find I really do miss it. The week never goes by fast enough. Even so, dance is back, along with our judges and the talented Mr. Tyce Diorio.

THE GOOD
Teddy Tedholm is the kind of guy who doesn’t look like he has a single rythmic bone in his body. Not to mention he came wearing checkered pants and a bowtie and calling himself whimsical. But I was captivated the moment he started moving to the music. There were no jumps or flips or crazy spins but he was unique and beautiful. He could make a small movement look huge and that’s special. I can’t wait to see if he can do other styles in Las Vegas.

Jean Lloret started out with some slow and boring Latin moves, but once he busted out his true B-boy flare there was no denying that this boy needed a plane tickets. The fact that the beginning of his routine was another style and utterly boring might prove that he won’t last in the competition long, but he pulled out some moves that I have never seen in  my six years of SYTYCD and ABDC viewing combined.

Kimara Wood is a little frantic, but from the few seconds devoted to the dreadlocked hottie, he looked powerful and, hello, those abs! Apparently the judges got to see more than we were shown because I can’t imagine he got a ticket based on two seconds.

Russell Ferguson really got me excited. A crumper has never made it to Vegas, but his choice of music, resembling something tribal, just had me going. Tyce called him one of his favorite auditions in Boston and then proceeded to kick his legs in the air and accidentally let one rip which is why I love him, while Nigel just isn’t into crump unless it’s a huge group number. I thought it was wicked cool, as they say in B-Town, and he proves to Nigel he can perform other styles well enough to continue to get a ticket to Vegas.

Speaking of great partners, Karen and Matthew Hauer are such a cute married couple, I want to gag. However, I was expecting more from them, more technique, more flair and more fire. Maybe it was because they just look so hot. I actually though Matt was better than Karen, but the judges decide to keep them together and send the first married couple ever to Vegas.

THE ORDINARY
Channing Cooke is the type of dancer Nigel dreams about. She’s young and beautiful and flexible. Okay maybe she’s the kind of girl all boys dream about. Methinks she’s the type of goofy and fun tomboy I could chill with, but I thought she was completely emotionless and a little pose 1, 2, 3, when she danced. Luckily the judges agreed with me and thought they needed to see her in choreography. Channing does enough there, though, to move on.

Ryan Casey is a 18-year old giant. I mean, you see something new everyday, and I had never see a 6’ 8” tapper. To me he just looked awkward and flaily, but apparently he has “educated ankles,” according to Nigel. And it’s off to choreography for him, where he just doesn’t look less gangly and in control to be put through.

Gene Bersten call his Latin moves the sexy dance. I guess that would be true, but there’s nothing sexy about his facial ticks when he dances. I appreciate that he danced by himself and picked a contemporary pop song, but I agreed with judges that he needs to show that he could control his face during the choreography round. Overall though, he had great technique, and it doesn’t hurt that choreography this year at the auditions is all about the Latin style so it’s enough to get him through.

Kevin “K’Bex” Hunt isn’t the best hip hopper I’ve ever seen, but he’s a good performer. He auditioned during Season Three and is back to prove himself. I’m not over the moon but sending  him to choreography is appropriate. Tyce is already an angry man by the time someone who isn’t actually bad comes in front of him. K’Bex says he trained in contemporary while he’s been off the SYTYCD radar, but we saw none of that, and Tyce isn’t to happy that he’s didn’t bring out the big guns. In the end, he agrees what he did in his style was great, but gearing someone say “It’s great” in an angry manner is a little off putting. He flexes his stuff, though, in choreography and it’s “great” enough to get to Vegas.

THE UTTERLY HORRIBLE
Fabrizio “Breeze” Jenkins was a big, fat baby (his omission) and now he’s a big, fat and boring dancer. He fell over in the middle of the dance, which was the most entertaining part of it all, but at least he got up and kept moving, even giving the judges a little wink. Nigel sends him through to choreography which makes me wonder how bad you have to be to just get straight cut. He doesn’t even end up performing because that fall really messed up his ankle, and he thinks his partner deserves better than a gimp.

Forty-six year old Paul Magliato created a movement and is also the first to wear tight, blue spandex. I couldn’t even begin to discern what is involved in that movement since he never really explained it, but it includes a lot of poorly executed spins. Nigel’s look of shock when he stops the music is hysterical. Insert thought bubble saying, “What? Stop me? The consummate performer?!” Cleary, he’s too old for the competition, but when he danced, he reminded me of what little kids do when they interpret every word in the song they are dancing to. Kind of sad really, but at least he left with his head held high.

Luckily, Paul is the only exceptionally awful dancer we saw and  saved from having to sit through bad auditions.  But I thoroughly enjoyed watching Tyce’s clip reel where he berates all the horrible dancers. He even gets a new nickname: Dr. Evil!

WRAP IT UP
So goodbye, Boston. I am hoping that they’re not planning one week of showcasing great dancing and then the next week is spotlight on the pitiful because so far that’s been the scheme. I’m starting to see the value of drawn out auditions because we really have gotten to see more great dancers instead of cramming two cities into one night during the summer. All in all, Boston totally beat Phoenix and gave Los Angeles a run for its money. 33 dancers get though coveted plane tickets.

I wonder what Atlanta will show us next week!

Season 6, Episodes 3: Audition Show #3 (originally aired September 23, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Top Chef: Cancer, Schmancer

In this very special episode of Top Chef, we learn that cancer is bad but not for the reason you think; despite Ariane’s success, simple food still carries a painful stigma; and that there’s, like, this whole cast of people here who are not Voltaggio brothers. Weird, right?

And so! Mike I., Man of Opinions, shares his that Robin should have left over Mattin. But really, how annoying was that guy, with his always smiling and his French-ness? Not very, it turns out, because the chefs all don red scarves in honor of the fallen Frenchman. We also learn that Robin’s working everyone’s last nerve, and if you think nothing’s worse than a yapper and a bad cook, just you wait.

Quickfire. Guest Judge Michelle Bernstein. You’ve seen her before on Top Chef – she’s usually very critical. The chefs will create a duo, representing the Angel vs. the Devil. The winner earns immunity.

Ash decides to do a duo of custards. It’s a risk, but he’ll win if he pulls it off. Guess what? He doesn’t pull it off. I like Ash, but he never breaks out anything cohesive and impressive. I’m pulling for you, Ash, but help me out here. Robin talks about her inspiration, her struggle with cancer, and the battle between eating healthy and eating poorly. Bryan feels he overcomplicates the Quickfires, so he’s going with a simple dessert duo.

Michelle’s least favorites are Ash (for not finishing), Bryan and Laurine because she’s boring. Michelle’s top picks are Mike V., Eli (forgot about him, didn’t you?) and Robin, who shared her cancer inspiration. Ultimately, Michelle chooses Robin as the winner, and if the editing is to be believed, there’s lots of raised eyebrows, delayed applause, and a bevy of annoyed chefs. Eli calls bullshit and interviews, “That’s a pretty good way to win a Quickfire, just tell everybody you had ********  cancer…Weak.” Wow. I don’t know if Michelle Bernstein gave Robin the sympathy win, but it is true that Robin’s duo of salad and apple crisp seemed a little too simple. However, Ariane proved that sometimes cooking simple, delicious food is as much a triumph as a complicated dish. Even though I probably could have made Robin’s duo in my kitchen, with no formal training.

But whatever! Elimination Challenge. The chefs must deconstruct classic dishes. They draw knives to determine their meals: Jennifer – Meat Lasagna; Mike V. – Caesar Salad; Ash – Shepherd’s Pie; Robin – New England Clam Chowder; Eli – Sweet & Sour Pork; Laurine – Fish & Chips; Kevin – Chicken Mole Negro; Bryan – Reuben; Mike I. – Eggs Florentine; Ashley – Pot Roast; and Ron – an enthusiastic Paella! It should be noted that Ron seems very happy and comfortable with this, as he interviews that he serves paella on his menu.

It seems as though half of the chefs don’t understand what deconstruction means. Of the ones that do, half of those struggle with how to prepare a deconstructed dish. Which leaves Bryan and Mike V. and Kevin (who feels he’s got something to prove) as the only ones who really know what they’re doing.

What interesting personal tidbits do we pick up this week? Mike I. doesn’t know what Eggs Florentine is, which seems weird. He calls it Eggs Foreign-to-me, because he’s clever bastard, ain’t he. Ashley continues on about her time being poor – they used outhouses but not beef. Jennifer’s classically trained, so she doesn’t speak this deconstruction language. She panics and starts to psych herself out. Ron thinks he’ll win, but Eli worries for him, in a slightly condescending manner. Robin, meanwhile, chatters her way around the kitchen, annoying her co-chefs, especially Laurine who is still smarting from her bottom three finish during the Quickfire. Robin doesn’t like chowder, so takes some risks and switches things up, because she has immunity. In case you’d forgotten.

When Tom visits the kitchen, Ash and Jennifer give him reason to worry because they don’t seem to have a clear idea of where they’re heading. Ron reveals that he’s stuck. Later, Eli and Kevin try to coach him on how to improve the dish, and now Ron’s gone from thinking this will be a breeze, to oh shit, I might be going home. There’s some more gossiping around the house about Robin, spurred on by Laurine’s personal frustrations.

Service. Guest judges: Toby Young in for Gail and Michelle, with guest diners Penn & Teller. Toby doesn’t like Mike I.’s Eggs Florentine, and Tom thinks it fails overall. Mike V.’s Caesar Salad is a general crowd pleaser. They all like Bryan’s tuna Reuben even if Penn thought it varied a little too much from what a Reuben should taste like. Laurine’s fish is overcooked and missing the chips because she burnt too many of them. Jennifer’s lasagna is smart and perfectly deconstructed, even as she worries that this dish will send her home. Unfortunately, Ash fails again – his meat is unevenly cooked and lacking potatoes (he substituted his poorly cooked potatoes at the last minute). Ron’s paella fails miserably, and Tom calls it a “sad bowl of food.” Eli’s sweet & sour pork looks like “bull’s testicles” (welcome back, Toby Young!) prompting a classy that’s what she said-esque moment. No matter how they look, everyone enjoys the dish immensely. Everyone also falls in love with Kevin’s mole negro and Michelle thinks Ashley kicked ass with her pot roast. Robin ends dinner service on a “repulsive” note, so lucky (unfortunately?) she has immunity.

Judges’ Table. Ashley, Mike V., Kevin and Jennifer land in the top four, and no one’s more surprised than Jennifer. They all receive props for a job well done, but the winner this week is … not a Voltaggio! Kevin walks away with the win and some Calphalon cookware.

Ash, Laurine and Ron represent the bottom three. Ash struggles to explain his poorly cooked meat and his incomplete meal. If I were Michelle, I’d call him out for not completing a meal twice in twenty four hours. Tom calls Laurine’s fish tentative and overcooked, and Toby takes issue with the lack of chips. Ron completes his about face, and now tells the judges that he had the most difficult dish, trying to cover his ass since Michelle serves the dish in her restaurant. She tells him that even if he doesn’t understand “deconstruction,” he still must cook a good meal, which he failed to do with overcooked rice and meat.

Over deliberation, the  judges argue about how to say “paella,” and Michelle verbally bitch slaps Toby when he criticizes Latin pronunciations. I always forget that she’s Latin, but I guarantee you that Toby never will again. But they laugh it off! The same criticisms, so bring the bottom three back out!

Somehow, Ash squeaks by and Ron gets the boot. He’s disappointed but leaves on a positive note. Notably, that eliminates all of the chefs with accents, unless you include Mike V. and his Dirty Jersey-ness.

I don’t disagree with the judges this week, but I hope Ash can pull something together before he finally goes home. I’m also happy to see Kevin win, as he’s one of the most genuinely likeable people on this season. And he has the talent to back it all up.

Next week: Are they cooking in their apartment? Mike I. teams with Robin? The top guns worry about elimination? I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it looks like fun!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 6: Penn & Teller (originally aired September 23, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  IMDBpro

Fringe: Attack of the C.H.U.D.

After a solid season premiere most notable for Charlie’s death and subsequent replacement by a shapeshifting assassin, episode 2 of Fringe’s sophomore outing dives straight into the fray of weirdness with a bigger budget for Fringe Division, a glimmer of progress in Olivia’s memory of her meeting with William Bell, and a way creepy case of the week that might dredge up some of Walter’s guilt over a certain case of otherworldly kidnapping.

While investigating cases of disappearance like Olivia’s, the gang follows a lead to rural Pennsylvania where something pulled from Gollum’s family tree is dragging locals into the bowels of the earth. Walter manages to immediately offend the slow moving local authorities with a comment regarding pee in their gene pool, LOLing ensues. Whatever’s snatching the locals, it all seems to lead back to one Andre Hughes, local creepshow and target of a less than friendly visit from Pete & Liv. Olivia’s out of the hospital and may be getting around with a cane (paging Dr. House) but it does nothing to deter the steely blonde’s resolve to crack each case, be it with guns blazing or through the finer arts of diplomacy and interrogation.

Turns out Mr. Hughes was once a doctor, at least until his wife and son both died in childbirth. This would be a perfectly normal tragedy, if not for a quickie exhumation order that reveals a tunnel burrowed straight through the floor of Lil’ Hughes’s coffin. Walter’s medical knowhow ascertains that Dr. Hughes’s wife had lupus, turning her body against itself and rendering her womb a particularly inhospitable region. So what’s a doctor to do but engineer himself a human/scorpion/mole superbaby with a chance at survival, watch it go horribly wrong, and spend the subsequent 15 years covering the tracks of its subterranean murder binge?! Walter would be so proud. Pete & Liv neutralize this especially morbid threat when they find his network of tunnels behind the eerie remains of a nursery. Mole Boy takes a bite out of the both of them, but with the help of a bone shard through the chest and a crushy cop car tumbling down from the surface, this is one freak who shall tunnel no more. The episode may not have mentioned the thematic connection of fathers committing crazed acts of scientific atrocity to save their sons explicitly, but I’m down with the writers finding an effective way to merge freak of the week stories with such overarching plotlines and themes.

Things wrap up when Non-Charlie (have the interwebs given him a catchier nickname yet?) reports back to the beyond on his handy cross-dimensional IMing typewriter. Somebody over there wants to know what Olivia can’t remember, bad. To that end, our heroine ends in a meeting with Sam Weiss, a mysteriously wise bowling alley attendant endorsed by Nina (because you can always trust a shifty cyborg CEO) and apparent peddler of mysterious wisdom and counseling for those who have visited the other side. Whatever he has to say, I hope it’s effective, cause’ I needs me some Nimoy!

For another take on this episode, read Night of Desirable Objects by Jaime Campos.

Season 2, Episode 2: Night of Desirable Objects  (originally aired September 24, 2009)

For more on Fringe, click here.

Thursdays at 9/8C, Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Dancing With The Stars: Back, Bigger, and Better Than Ever

Wow. This season of Dancing with the Stars is mammoth. 16 contestants and a 3 day premiere, complete with double eliminations and a new relay portion of the competition. Same crabby, horny judges and annoying hosts. So let’s get to it kiddies!

 First up are the eight male celebs. Here are my thoughts on each contestant, in the order in which they danced. The men danced either the Cha Cha Cha or the Foxtrot.

 Aaron Carter & Karina: They did the  Cha Cha Cha. Like most of the celebrity contestants, he’s completely enamored with his professional partner. He’s cute, but not as cute as he thinks. He brings a small amount of dancing experience from his days as a pop singer and performer, as well as a lot of athleticism, making him a formidable opponent for the other guys. He’s pretty flirty with Karina, but hopefully she won’t “go there” with him like she did with Mario Lopez when they were paired up a few seasons ago. Aaron’s a little too young for her.  His Cha Cha Cha was ok, and the judges all thought he had potential. Here were their scores: Carrie Ann: 7 Bruno: 7 Len: 8. Hopefully the tight pants don’t reveal too much at any point this season if he gets too happy around Karina.

 Chuck Liddell & Anna: They have the Foxtrot. Bruno didn’t like it, but the crowd seemed to enjoy the performance. He’s definitely a crowd favorite. I thought his footwork was sloppy. Measured praise from Carrie Ann. Len said it was better than he thought it would be. He wants the MMA fighter to get in touch with his feminine side, good luck with that. He looked like a bit of an oaf out there and seemed scared and reserved. I can tell he’s out of his comfort zone. Carrie Ann: 6. Len and Bruno: 5.

 Mark Dacascos and Lacey: This guy Mark is supposedly a film and television actor. Really? He’s the Iron Chef dude. He has a martial arts background so that will probably serve him well throughout the competition with strength and muscle control.   He has good hips. Of all the songs in the world, they dance the Cha Cha Cha to “Kung Fu Fighting.”   He and Lacey are also wearing Asian-themed costumes. Way to play the race card; damn he’s ok with that? LOL. Their dance was very good and incorporated his martial arts training. He did lots of kicks and karate chops, which was unintentionally hilarious. Carrie Ann wasn’t offended by the shameless references to his ethnicity but I am? Weird! Carrie Ann liked him. Len didn’t like the gimmick and says there should be no kung fu when he gets around to the waltz. Bruno thought he lost his timing with the tricks, but said the talent was there. His critique was mostly positive. I can’t remember his scores, but they were relatively strong.

 Ashley Hamilton & Edyta: The sexpot and the handsome man. Edyta has always been allergic to clothing, and nothing’s changed.  I’m not sure what qualifies Ashley to be a star. He’s just George Hamilton’s son.  He says it’s like keeping it in the family since Edyta danced with his dad too. Something about that sounds kinky. Wow, I admire him. He survived a motorcycle accident and was in a wheelchair for a year, which is amazing. He kinda looks like a news reporter. He and Edyta have the Foxtrot. He looks like he’d be graceful because he’s handsome and long and lean, but not really. Not so good, to me. Len liked his footwork but said there was roughness that he needs finesse. Bruno didn’t like it. Carrie Ann said he didn’t separate himself. Bruno: 4 Carrie Ann: 5. Len: 6.

 Donny “the wuss” Osmond and Kim: His mere presence annoys me. He’s a cheeseball copying off his sister. Good Foxtrot though. He’s a showman, it fits with being cheesy. They danced to “All that Jazz” and it had a Broadway feel. The camera pans to a shot of Jermaine Jackson and Marie Osmond, WTF. When the dance was over Donny let out a scream. What a tool. Bruno babbled about full frontal something or other and says it wasn’t as good as the theatrics. Carrie Ann agrees, and so do I. Cut the shit Donny. For some reason the crowd likes him. Len thought it needed more ballroom and less Broadway. 7s from Carrie Ann and Bruno. 6 from Len.

 Louie Vito and Chelsie: Who is this cat? Looks like Breckin Meyer and dude from Alpha Dog. A quick visit to abc.com tells me he’s a snowboarder. So-so Foxtrot. Carrie Ann said he gave honest effort and respected the dance. He has a cute smile. Len said the technique was good and he enjoyed it very much. Bruno expresses the female sentiment better than Carrie Ann and says that he was so cute. Carrie Ann and Bruno: 6. Len: 7.

 Michael Irvin and Anna: He says he participated in the show because of his lifetime rivalry with Jerry Rice, who made it to the finals a few seasons ago. He wants to be able to say he beat Jerry Rice. He sux! His Cha Cha Cha is awful. He starts out with lousy James Brown- type moves and does weird things with his mouth. He’s making horrible facial expressions. At least he shaved his pits, unlike Emmitt Smith, who appeared to have Buckwheat in a headlock when he was on the show. The judges are not gonna like this Cha Cha Cha because it is not technical at all. Len said “not a great first date.” More content, less slick. Bruno said he had a great presence and was a crowd pleaser but he had poor footwork and timing. Carrie Ann said he beats Jerry Rice on charisma and blamed Anna for a lack of content. Carrie Ann: 5. Len/Bruno: 4

 Tom Delay and Cheryl: Cheryl Burke will not be going to the finals this year, not with Tom Delay – who I must admit is a jolly good sport. Funny to watch him work his hips! Cheryl says he may not be as young and in shape as the other guys but he’s charming. Backhanded compliment, ouch! I have a newfound respect for the guy though, a conservative trying to be sexy. They performed to “Wild Thing” and he mouthed the words. He was cheesy like Donny but much more likeable. I’ve seen worse. I hope he sticks around for a few weeks. It always sucks to be the first to go. His Cha Cha Cha was stiff but Cheryl makes most people look good. Carrie Ann said it was surreal and gave him a 6.  She said he was graceful and light on his feet. Bruno said he was crazier than Sarah Palin and gave him a 5.  Len said the Cha Cha Cha was good, but not the other showmanship crap that he did. He gave Tom a 5. 

 Salsa relay: This is something new that they’re doing this season. The 8 couples will split into 2 groups of 4 and be ranked accordingly. Weird. The first group is comprised of everyone that initially danced the Foxtrot. They will now dance the Salsa. The young boys (Louie and Aaron) are fond of back flips and open up with a few.

Ashley and Edyta: Hot thanks to Edyta.

Chuck and Anna: Pretty good.

Donny and Kim: I hate him. Not sexy at all.

Louie and Chelsea: He back flips like he was shot out of a rocket. Top that Tom Delay.  

Judge feedback and ranking: Carrie Ann says Donny smoked them, WTF? Len slams Ashley by saying it was a dance only a father could love. Ouch! Bruno gives Chuck props. From worst to best: Ashley, Craig, Louie, Donny

Viennese Waltz relay: The second group is comprised of the guys who initially performed a Cha Cha Cha. They will now do the Viennese Waltz.

Michael and Anna: Michael redeems himself with a more graceful performance. He does better, but I think he should wipe the smile off his face. He looked like he was laughing! He ended with a kiss and it looks like he enjoyed planting one on the side of Anna’s dome. Is he married?

Cheryl and Tom: Cheryl tries to create an “older man” back-story for Tom, which shouldn’t be hard. Tom is rather timid but the gentlemanly nature of the dance suits him.

Aaron and Karina: Aaron goes first and would appear very dapper if he didn’t look 17. He’s graceful and elegant.

Mark and Lacey: Iron Chef looks stiff, though I guess that’s good for the Waltz.

Judge feedback and ranking: The judges generally liked the entire group and ranked them from worst to best: Tom, Michael, Mark, Aaron.

Now it’s time for the ladies!

 Debi Mazar and Maks: She’s a pistol and he may have met his match. This actress is gonna be a handful. Not since Leila Ali will Maks have had such a strong partner. Maks says she has zero attention span and they show footage of her incessant chattering. Damn Maks is hot. She’s a little timid and amateurish but not bad. The Salsa was ok. Carrie Ann says it’s so much tougher for the women because the professionals performed the previous day and gives her a 6. Len said she had good energy and potential but bad footwork and gives her a 5. Bruno says that she has potential but that her timing was bad, giving her a 5. She has a positive attitude and ran her mouth too much during her rehearsal, but she should stick around at least past the first week.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark: Mark is the reigning champ. The pair dance a very dramatic Viennese Waltz. Mark is handsome and dapper. Their dance was graceful and Melissa’s carriage was good, in my amateur opinion. There was an awkward pseudo-split at the end. Bruno asks if she’s nervous and then lets out a cackle. He said it was prim and proper but lacked magic. Carrie Ann said she had a few moments and she’s elegant but it was choppy. Len said it was sweet and sickly. Good holds and movement, but bad feet. Overall it was ok. 6s all around from the judges.

Mya and Richard: I have a soft spot for my “twin.” People have been saying we look alike for years. She seems to have a crush on her partner, a recurring theme.  When I first heard she would be on the show I didn’t think it was fair, because homegirl can dance her ass off. We might as well add Usher, Janet Jackson and Jennifer Lopez to the lineup next season. Oh well, Mya’s experience is no secret, so I’ll judge her like everyone else. She has an advantage, and I expect her to emerge as a frontrunner. Once they showed the rehearsal footage I see that the competition is a challenge for her, despite her experience. Once their dance begins I’m shaking my head because she’s killin’ ‘em already. Beautiful and graceful. Len goes apeshit because her Waltz wasn’t traditional. Bruno goes equally apeshit in her defense. Len said Rich let her down by not doing a proper Waltz. 8s from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and a 5 from Len, damn shame.

Kathy Ireland and Tony: Kathy says just because she was a model doesn’t mean she’s coordinated. Tony gave her timing exercises. They dance the Salsa. She’s gorgeous but not very good. She’s timid and stiff, and doesn’t look comfortable. The dance looks painful at times. Len said she was far too careful, but there is potential. Bruno said there was no passion, and she didn’t sell it. “Salsa is sex and without sex it doesn’t work.” Carrie Ann said she had great posture but she needs to loosen up. Bruno says he likes a loose woman. Kathy is a sweetie but I don’t think she’ll be around too long. 5s from Len and Bruno. 6 from Carrie Ann.

Natalie Coughlin and Alek: He’s the original champ from season one. They will be dancing the Salsa. She’s not bad, I see the potential. She at least is moving her hips. She brings her competitive athletic nature to the competition. Bruno says that she is a million dollar mermaid lol. He says that she has fantastic shapes but she has to sustain it all the way through. Carrie Ann said she’s a diamond in the rough, and had nice pointed toes. Len said he’s bewildered. Salsa is sexy and steamy and these gorgeous girls can’t knock his socks off. 7 from Carrie Ann. 6s from Bruno and Len. Natalie explains that she’s not used to worrying about her facial expressions as a swimmer, but she’ll have to pay attention now. By the way co-host Samantha is a blithering idiot.

Macy Gray and Jonathan: She’s here because her mom got so excited at the prospect. Her hair is ridiculous. She performs a very ladylike Viennese Waltz. She’s challenged by the dance. They only had one week to train before they left for her European tour, which doesn’t help because she needs work. I don’t think Jonathan is too fond of her. Hey she’s not half bad! She’s making a dumb ass face though, mouth agape. WTF Macy. Carrie Ann says there is something fascinating and bizarre about her, and that she enjoyed it. Len said if he was at home he’d be voting for her, and that’s high praise coming from him. Bruno says it was like watching a child taking its first steps, and now it’s time to work on the technique. They were all charmed by her. Macy says she’s glad she got the first dance out of the way and busted her cherry, which sends the censors scrambling and the judges into fits of laughter. Gotta love live television. Carrie Ann:6  Len:4  Bruno:5 

Joanna and Derek: These 2 might hook up. They’re so blond and cute. She seems stuck-up. There’s lots of flirting going on, which should make for an interesting Salsa. They are hot! She’s great, she knows how to move, and they are sexy. Len and Bruno should be pleased. Len says: finally a hot Salsa. Bruno and Carrie Ann like it too. Carrie Ann says she has confidence and the choreography was good. She gets 8s across the board. They are soooo gonna screw. Samantha says that Derek always has pretty partners. I hope the other contestants don’t take offense.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis: Kelly will be dancing a Viennese Waltz and must turn from a tomboy to a princess. She says she’s been fat her whole life because she hates sweating. I think she left out the “likes eating” part.  I must say she looks pretty and elegant. When she begins to dance I’m pleasantly surprised. She has very good footwork. They do a small lift, and I wonder if Carrie Ann is gonna go bonkers because of it. Every season she goes crazy when the couples do lifts, because that is apparently not allowed. She’s the only one who ever seems to have a problem with it though. Sharon, Kelly’s mother is moved to tears and I can dig it; it was great. She runs to hug Ozzie. Bruno says she is a vision of grace and elegance. Carrie Ann says that Sharon and Ozzie should be proud, and that she got chills. Len says it’s the best Waltz of the night. Kelly is moved to tears. Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 8 Bruno: 8.

Tom Bergeron keeps saying vice-a versa. Ugh.

Foxtrot relay: Kathy and Natalie are being pitted against one another for some reason by their partners.

Natalie and Alec: They are great. She’s great, very elegant.

Kathy and Tony: She’s better here but not better than Natalie. She’s still kinda uptight.

Joanna and Derek: She’s ok but not as good as I thought she’d be. I think Natalie is the best so far.

Debi and Maks: It’s ok but looks choppy and she should work on her face.

Judge feedback and ranking : Carrie Ann said Debi was muscling?? Len gave good comments all around. Bruno praises Natalie and Joanna and says she’s still smoking. His praise of Debi and Kathy is more measured. Worst to best: Kathy, Debi, Natalie, and Joanna. Joanna starts shrieking. Come on girl, be a better sport. She’s conceited. Debi looks like she wants to smack her.

Cha Cha Cha relay: Kelly is worried about Mya because “she’s sexy and Kelly is not.” They’re all worried about her and they should be.

Macy and Jonathan: I knew Macy wouldn’t be good at the Latin dances because she’s too stiff and those dances are not suited for her.

Melissa and Mark: She’s ok but nothing special.

Mya and Richard: Mya’s gonna smash, or so I think. She does ok but could’ve been better, there was too much posing.

Kelly and Louis: Kelly actually has good footwork.

Judge feedback and ranking: Len says Macy’s busy schedule is catching up to her. Nice way of saying she sucked. Bruno was positive and loved Mya and Kelly; they were the best. Carrie Ann slams Macy nicely. From worst to best: Macy, Melissa, Kelly, Mya.

Results: I thought Ashley was the worst guy and Kathy was the worst girl. Ashley and Michael were in the bottom two, and Ashley is the first guy sent home. That was fair. Turning to the women, Macy and Kathy are in the bottom two. This is fair, because they are the two worst women, but I think Macy showed more promise. Unfortunately, she was sent home. I don’t agree, but it’s no huge travesty. I think Kathy will be gone next week.

Whew! I’m out of breath! This season is off to a great start. There are always clear leaders in the beginning, as well as those who flat-out suck. You’ll be surprised how the tables can turn though, after a few weeks of practice. I look forward to witnessing the transformation.

Season 9, Week 1: Episodes 1 -3(originally aired September 21 and 22 and 23, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Surrogates Sucks

Surrogates is one of the most mediocre films of Bruce Willis’ career. There’s surprisingly little action, his character is unbelievably underdeveloped, the whole story is derivative and it gropes all over the place. The film is slapped together and fragmented in a way that screams serious post-production tinkering. I guarantee you this thing went through test screening after test screening, re-edits, re-shoots and concerned memos from angry studio executives. This is only the second time I’ve ever walked out of the theater at the end of a Bruce Willis movie feeling dirty and despondent, the first time having been The Whole Ten Yards in 2004.

It pains me to say all of this, because Bruce Willis is one of my boys. I’ve watched him my whole life and he has provided me with an infinite amount of entertainment and happiness. I own most of his movies, and quote dialogue from his signature character John McClane on a daily basis. Bruce is one of the key forces that have driven me to want to make movies. I think that he’s one of the most charismatic and versatile actors working today, and has always been so throughout his 25+ year career. He can do any genre: drama, family comedy, dark comedy, thriller, war film, sci-fi, and of course, action. Bruce makes my favorite kind of movie: the character-driven action movie, which is becoming more and more rare these days. Watching Bruce Willis playing a cop is one of the supreme cinematic pleasures in my book, no matter how many times he does it. I would watch Bruce Willis in any movie, and I would watch him play cops until he’s 135 years old. I just can’t get enough of it; Die Hard, The Last Boy Scout, Hostage, 16 Blocks, you name it, I love it.

Before I saw Surrogates, if someone told me that I would walk out of a Bruce Willis cop movie and not like it, I would have said you were full of it. But it’s true: Surrogates is really quite crappy. It’s only about 90 minutes long. When a movie is that short, it usually means it has a weak plot. I’ve seen plenty of trailers for the movie, but very little else in terms of marketing. I haven’t seen or read any interviews with Bruce about the movie, so I’m betting he knows it sucks too, and that’s a real shame, especially as this movie comes off the heels of Live Free or Die Hard, the long-awaited and successful fourth Die Hard chapter.

The basic premise of the movie is that in the future, some mad scientist guy named Canter (because there is always one of those) played by James Cromwell invents these robot surrogates. People stay at home in these virtual reality shows and send their surrogates out into the world to live their lives. The idea is that people can all look like supermodels and do whatever they want to do without there being any danger or personal risk to their actual selves. As a result, the world crime rate has gone down to virtually zero, and there hasn’t been a homicide in years. Wait, wasn’t there no murder in Minority Report? And wasn’t there also no murder in I, Robot? And didn’t James Cromwell play the exact same scientists creator guy in that movie? Yes to all of the above.

But when Canter’s son is murdered through his surrogate, which is supposed to be impossible, Bruce’s Agent Greer  and his partner Agent Peters (Radha Mitchell) are called in to investigate. Now what do we know about this character? Well he’s a cop and he has a tragic past because his son was killed. It’s such a cookie cutter way of trying to create a sympathetic character. How many times have we seen this, a loner/cop/tough guy with a tragic past because his wife/son/family was killed? We’ve seen it in Stargate, we’ve seen it in Lethal Weapon, we’ve seen it in Minority Report once again. I could go on and on. Surrogates does not dare to be creative. Not to mention, the entire theme of how technology corrupts and how we’re too reliant on it, and just generally using machines as a device to explore what it means to be human has been completely done to death. Nothing can ever compare to The Terminator, not even the original Matrix, both of which are infinitely better movies than Surrogates.

Here’s the most surprising disappointment of the movie: there is a very small amount of action. How can you have a Bruce Willis cop movie with so little action? The trailer makes it look action-packed, but all the action there is in the movie is in the trailer. I couldn’t believe it. And a lot of what little action there is sucks because it all revolves around Bruce’s superhuman surrogate who can leap and fly like Superman. Why should I care about an invulnerable robot? I want to see Bruce kicking ass in a realistic or at least semi-believable manner. You get very little of that in Surrogates.

Then the movie just ends. I was an early fan of director Jonathan Mostow. His Breakdown is a perfectly-crafted thriller, and U-571 was very well done too. But since then he ruined the Terminator franchise with Terminator 3, and now we have…this. It’s also the same writers of Terminator 3, Terminator Salvation, and the masterpiece that is Catwoman. How do these guys keep getting their scripts sold?

On a side note, this entire movie was shot in and around Boston in 2008, and when they were filming, I careened all over the city trying to stalk Bruce Willis and beg him for a job. Hell, just to see him in person I would have wet my pants. I love that man. But this movie sucks. The most enjoyable part for me was recognizing several of the locations where they shot at and knowing that I have walked some of the same parts of the earth as Brucey baby.

Bruce is good in this movie, he has a couple of very emotional scenes with his estranged wife where he displays that minimalist charisma of his that is one-of-a-kind. Hell, the whole cast is talented. Radha Mitchell I’ve liked since I saw her in Man on Fire, Ving Rhames is an interesting guy, as is James Cromwell. But they’re all wasted, and even a couple of fairly clever plot twists can’t save this mess of a movie. My advice: skip this one, stay home and watch Hostage and 16 Blocks, or if you really want some sci-fi Bruce, check out the masterpiece 12 Monkeys or even The Fifth Element.

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