Real Housewives of Atlanta: Closet Freaks and Porn-Hair Chic

I can’t decide if my favorite line of this episode goes to Kim when she tells her hairdresser “I want porno hair” or to NeNe when she says “I’m a ten but I could be a size eight, but I don’t feel like it. Know why? Because I’m f—ing hungry!” Either way, I laughed out loud (LOL’d, if you will) several times during the latest installment of RHW of ATL, and something tells me I’m not the only one.

First off we have the debut of Lisa’s “Closet Freak” clothing line – which pretty much proved that Kim was right when she said “I find it very odd that Lisa’s starting a fashion line because…wait, how do I say this…I mean, because Lisa doesn’t have any taste.” Zing! She may have circus boobs, ladies and gentlemen, but she does have a point. Closet Freak is really the workings of Lisa’s designer and seamstress, Evelyn, but Lisa gets to take all the credit for it – which may or may not be a good thing, depending on who you ask. As far as Lisa is concerned, some delusional guests told her that her show was the best one they’ve seen in Atlanta so far (note to self: don’t shop in the state of Georgia), while Dwight on the other hand could barely keep from shielding his eyes from the heinous frocks and tearing down her questionable set design. Shereè didn’t get to weigh in on the clothes, however, because she chose to blow off the fashion show entirely on account of her son’s mythical concert being on the same night (cough*bullsh-t*cough). When she finally did show up 2 hours late Lisa’s stylist let her have it and Shereè drove off mumbling something about “copycats” and “mangy-looking guests.” Ouch. I think Shereè was just “throwing shade”, as NeNe put it, because she was bitter that the debut of her own clothing line just got axed by its financial backer, Mercedes Benz. Does anyone else find it ridiculous that we are forced to go along with this fashion charade every week when we all know full well that both lines either A-won’t materialize or B-will end up being sold at Strawberry within the year? Just asking.

Speaking of business ventures that won’t amount to much, Kim decides she’s going to launch her own line of wigs (stifles laughter) so she invites over my second favorite flamboyantly gay man – wearing heels, no less – her hairstylist Derek J. After informing him of her wishes to capture the porno hair look that all women clearly desire, she then invites her friends over for a wig viewing and to get their opinions on style. NeNe throws on a blonde wig not unlike Kim’s locks and suddenly feels inspired to mock her personality. At first it’s funny, I’ll admit, and then it just turns into this weird record scratch moment followed by silence as Kim’s friends stare at NeNe in horror for being so mean. What, it’s not cool to insult the hostess? Who knew.  Poor Kim, she really needs the money from this wig business, if her shopping spree with her younger daughter is any indication she’s going to have to teach the girls to land a wealthy man or else learn an actual trade or skill herself, lest they end up on government assistance. I couldn’t help but want to smack Kim’s daughter – we’ll just call her ‘the little one’ because I don’t care or know her name – when she asked her mother if an article of clothing was Dior or not. Any kid that knows high end labels before multiplication tables should be sold into sweatshop labor, in my opinion. Kidding. Not really.

Lastly we have NeNe and Kandi, who are both trying to make something out of not very much, in different ways of course. NeNe is sick of her son Bricen being a lazy good for nothing college dropout with a bad haircut, so she stages an intervention of sorts with her husband Gregg to talk some sense into Bricen. Have I mentioned that Gregg is my favorite husband? His suggestion to try and sell their son on eBay or put him up for adoption is priceless, and not a bad idea frankly. NeNe settles for just being able to fix his haircut for the time being and she calls in Dwight with a team of stylists to polish up her son’s look. Kandi, on the other hand, is left with a much harder job as she calls in her producer Don Vito to try and make lemonade out of the horribly out of tune lemons that Kim and NeNe have left her with in the form of their demo “Tardy for the Party.” Oh lawd. I know Kandi thinks that they can make anyone sound hot but no amount of Auto-Tune correction may be able to salvage this track, unless Don Vito has a second job as a magician. I guess we’ll find out next week when they all hit the studio, and then Kim apparently hits the floor?! The preview scenes were crazy, I don’t know what substance Kim was under the influence of but she looked a little worse for the wear. Don’t worry though, I’m sure her friends will all take care of her, and by ‘take care of’ I mean snicker at from a safe distance. See you next time.

Season 2, Episode 7: Throwing Shade (originally aired September 10, 2009)

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Thursdays at 10pm on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Wilford Harewood