The Amazing Race: Oh, the games they will play. . .

It’s early morning in some dank spot in L.A. where they shoot dark, futuristic movies like Terminator 2.  Whatever, L.A.  I’m from the place where they shot 8 Mile and Roger & Me.  You don’t get darker than that.

Your teams this season are:

Brian & Ericka:  She’s Miss America 2004; he’s dorky-looking.  She’s black; he’s white.  They are here to teach us a lesson about love.

Lance & Keri:  Engaged.   I’m writing this about two hours after I watched the show and I have no idea who these people are.

Maria & Tiffany:  Professional poker players.  Later, I’ll mock them later for being barely-adequate fibbers who were stupid enough to fib, but right now I’m just grateful that they’re females whose names are spelled exactly the way they’re supposed to be.

Zev & Justin:  I love Zev.  ’nuff said.

Mika & Canaan:  They sing!  They love Christ! They’re ridiculously good-looking!

Herbert & Nathaniel: Harlem Globetrotters who go by the monikers “Flight Time” and “The Big Easy”.  But, as a great man once said, “His mama call him Clay, Im’a call him Clay.”

Sam &  Dan:  They happen to be brothers, and they happen to be gay. (They also happen to be gullible, but that’s another story.)

Gary & Matt:  Or, guy with the pink hair and guy with the pink hair’s dad.

Eric & Lisa:  Oh, who the hell cares.  For what it’s worth, they’re yoga teachers.

Garrett & Jessica:  They’ve been dating off and on and she’s Colombian.  The only Colombians I’m used to seeing on my TV are Jackie’s ex, Mimi, and Shakira.  Stereotypically speaking, this could get interesting.

Marcy & Ron.  They’re old(er).  But that doesn’t stop them from playing archery or going rock-climbing.  She’s very excitable.  He kinda looks like Larry David, with a rounder, less sardonic head.

Cheyne (seriously?) & Meghan:  I remember nothing about them, but I imagine that when their application was received, the lackey who read it raised it in the air and said “Look!  We’ve got a ‘Cheyne’ here!”

So, right away, Eric and Lisa go bye-bye (which is why we didn’t care about them, see?).  The Amazing Race, taking a cue from Survivor, gives the group a challenge off the back.  They must use the clue to identify a license plate from the location of their next challenge.  Observant people figure out (some later than others) that the symbol on the clue matches the symbol on the plate.  These people are Maria & Tiffany, Marcy & Ron, Meghan and Cheyne (seriously, people, Cheyne??), Herbert & Nathaniel (if I call them Herb and Nate, will this make them less bad-ass in your estimation?  Just wondering), Gary & Matt, Zev & Justin, Sam & Dan, Mika & Canaan, Garrett & Jessica, Brian & Ericka, and Lance & Keri.

So Eric and Lisa don’t even make it to the airport on the first leg.  But they’re totally zen about it.  You see, they set the other teams free.  No, I’m not making that up.  They actually said that.  (You know, I’m kinda gonna miss them.)

For some reason that I really don’t understand, Maria and Tiffany have decided to say that they help homeless kids for a nonprofit instead of saying they lie to people and take their money for a living.  Okay, I guess I do understand.  What I don’t understand is how they thought they could keep it up for 21 days.  Although the more gullible of the teams (Sam & Dan) buy it, they are exposed when a guy at the airport recognizes them from a tournament which was aired on TV.  D’oh!  But at least those bluff-detection skills of theirs are totally working, which we know, because they think Sam & Dan are totally dreamy, and probably not gay.

The first, very short, leg of the journey took the teams to a faux Japanese game show called. . .Sushi Roulette!!  The teams have to spin a big Wheel of Fortune-like wheel, until you get a wasabi roll which is rice and seaweed wrapped around a pretty big ball of wasabi.  Then they have to eat the roll in under 2 minutes and then usher 20 tourists to the pit stop.  A few fail to get the sushi roll down under the time limit on the first try, including Maria.  Notably, Tiffany says that for a minute, she thought that Maria would just quit and walk out.  Which really tells us a lot about how this team will fare, doesn’t it?  Later, these poker players show they’re not that great at counting when they lose two of their tourists on the way to the pit stop.  They end up last, and incur a two hour penalty to boot.  Luckily (for them if not for us), the first leg is a non-elimination round.  Unless, of course, you’re Eric & Lisa.

On the second leg, Meghan and Cheyne (again, seriously, Cheyne?) are off first to Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam.  We also learn that Zev is not a people person.  I suppose I should mention that Zev has Asperger’s syndrome.  And he’s completely likeable.  Which means, that in the ranking of preferred disabilities had by Amazing Race contestants, Asperger’s syndrome totally trumps deafness.  Just sayin’.

Anyhoo. . . .

The Globetrotters say that they are generally nice, gregarious people, and they will use that to their advantage on the race.  Wait, I thought that being rich and successful meant that you had to make up a story about yourself so that people will think that you’re nice and gregarious.  Right, Maria & Tiffany?

In Vietnam, the teams have to take mud out of a mud pit and carry it to a tree so that the tree is nice and packed in.  Then, they have to head to a farm where they have to herd 150 ducks from a pen across a bridge to another pen in under 10 minutes.  Now, the show gives some wonderful reason why herding 150 ducks is related to Vietnamese farm life, but really all that matters here is that animal challenges offer excellent insights into a team’s temperament, and such insights are highly entertaining.

For example, we learn that herding ducks is apparently a woman’s task.  Both Meghan and Jessica take it for the team, which immediately allows Cheyne (okay, I’ll let it go) and Garrett to sit back and laugh at their expense.  Which sounds mean, but, really, it is a much better approach than Brian and Canaan, who pretty much just yell at their partners the whole time.  I guess ducks just don’t care much about Jesus Christ or the ability of love to cross racial boundaries.  Other teams do pretty well, most notably Matt, who simulates a duck call on the spot, and Zev, who is promptly given the nickname The Duck Whisperer.

It ends up coming down to Jessica, and Ericka (who is wearing a thong during this challenge, for those of you who care about such things).  Ultimately, Jessica and Garrett are last.  Garrett interviews that Jessica has a crazy temper and has trouble staying calm.  Yet, we never see Jessica get riled up, although we do see Garrett punch the wall when they hit the pit stop last.  Garret interviews that he still doesn’t know if they will get married.  Oh, just break up already.

So, in sum, I’ve got a team I love to hate, and a team I love to love.  These are good signs.  See you next week!

For another take on this episode, check out The “Amazing” Race by Cameron Cubbison.

Season 15, Episode 1: They Thought Godzilla Was Walking Down the Street (originally aired September 27, 2009)

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS, Robert Voets, and Monty Brinton