Top Chef: Cancer, Schmancer

In this very special episode of Top Chef, we learn that cancer is bad but not for the reason you think; despite Ariane’s success, simple food still carries a painful stigma; and that there’s, like, this whole cast of people here who are not Voltaggio brothers. Weird, right?

And so! Mike I., Man of Opinions, shares his that Robin should have left over Mattin. But really, how annoying was that guy, with his always smiling and his French-ness? Not very, it turns out, because the chefs all don red scarves in honor of the fallen Frenchman. We also learn that Robin’s working everyone’s last nerve, and if you think nothing’s worse than a yapper and a bad cook, just you wait.

Quickfire. Guest Judge Michelle Bernstein. You’ve seen her before on Top Chef – she’s usually very critical. The chefs will create a duo, representing the Angel vs. the Devil. The winner earns immunity.

Ash decides to do a duo of custards. It’s a risk, but he’ll win if he pulls it off. Guess what? He doesn’t pull it off. I like Ash, but he never breaks out anything cohesive and impressive. I’m pulling for you, Ash, but help me out here. Robin talks about her inspiration, her struggle with cancer, and the battle between eating healthy and eating poorly. Bryan feels he overcomplicates the Quickfires, so he’s going with a simple dessert duo.

Michelle’s least favorites are Ash (for not finishing), Bryan and Laurine because she’s boring. Michelle’s top picks are Mike V., Eli (forgot about him, didn’t you?) and Robin, who shared her cancer inspiration. Ultimately, Michelle chooses Robin as the winner, and if the editing is to be believed, there’s lots of raised eyebrows, delayed applause, and a bevy of annoyed chefs. Eli calls bullshit and interviews, “That’s a pretty good way to win a Quickfire, just tell everybody you had ********  cancer…Weak.” Wow. I don’t know if Michelle Bernstein gave Robin the sympathy win, but it is true that Robin’s duo of salad and apple crisp seemed a little too simple. However, Ariane proved that sometimes cooking simple, delicious food is as much a triumph as a complicated dish. Even though I probably could have made Robin’s duo in my kitchen, with no formal training.

But whatever! Elimination Challenge. The chefs must deconstruct classic dishes. They draw knives to determine their meals: Jennifer – Meat Lasagna; Mike V. – Caesar Salad; Ash – Shepherd’s Pie; Robin – New England Clam Chowder; Eli – Sweet & Sour Pork; Laurine – Fish & Chips; Kevin – Chicken Mole Negro; Bryan – Reuben; Mike I. – Eggs Florentine; Ashley – Pot Roast; and Ron – an enthusiastic Paella! It should be noted that Ron seems very happy and comfortable with this, as he interviews that he serves paella on his menu.

It seems as though half of the chefs don’t understand what deconstruction means. Of the ones that do, half of those struggle with how to prepare a deconstructed dish. Which leaves Bryan and Mike V. and Kevin (who feels he’s got something to prove) as the only ones who really know what they’re doing.

What interesting personal tidbits do we pick up this week? Mike I. doesn’t know what Eggs Florentine is, which seems weird. He calls it Eggs Foreign-to-me, because he’s clever bastard, ain’t he. Ashley continues on about her time being poor – they used outhouses but not beef. Jennifer’s classically trained, so she doesn’t speak this deconstruction language. She panics and starts to psych herself out. Ron thinks he’ll win, but Eli worries for him, in a slightly condescending manner. Robin, meanwhile, chatters her way around the kitchen, annoying her co-chefs, especially Laurine who is still smarting from her bottom three finish during the Quickfire. Robin doesn’t like chowder, so takes some risks and switches things up, because she has immunity. In case you’d forgotten.

When Tom visits the kitchen, Ash and Jennifer give him reason to worry because they don’t seem to have a clear idea of where they’re heading. Ron reveals that he’s stuck. Later, Eli and Kevin try to coach him on how to improve the dish, and now Ron’s gone from thinking this will be a breeze, to oh shit, I might be going home. There’s some more gossiping around the house about Robin, spurred on by Laurine’s personal frustrations.

Service. Guest judges: Toby Young in for Gail and Michelle, with guest diners Penn & Teller. Toby doesn’t like Mike I.’s Eggs Florentine, and Tom thinks it fails overall. Mike V.’s Caesar Salad is a general crowd pleaser. They all like Bryan’s tuna Reuben even if Penn thought it varied a little too much from what a Reuben should taste like. Laurine’s fish is overcooked and missing the chips because she burnt too many of them. Jennifer’s lasagna is smart and perfectly deconstructed, even as she worries that this dish will send her home. Unfortunately, Ash fails again – his meat is unevenly cooked and lacking potatoes (he substituted his poorly cooked potatoes at the last minute). Ron’s paella fails miserably, and Tom calls it a “sad bowl of food.” Eli’s sweet & sour pork looks like “bull’s testicles” (welcome back, Toby Young!) prompting a classy that’s what she said-esque moment. No matter how they look, everyone enjoys the dish immensely. Everyone also falls in love with Kevin’s mole negro and Michelle thinks Ashley kicked ass with her pot roast. Robin ends dinner service on a “repulsive” note, so lucky (unfortunately?) she has immunity.

Judges’ Table. Ashley, Mike V., Kevin and Jennifer land in the top four, and no one’s more surprised than Jennifer. They all receive props for a job well done, but the winner this week is … not a Voltaggio! Kevin walks away with the win and some Calphalon cookware.

Ash, Laurine and Ron represent the bottom three. Ash struggles to explain his poorly cooked meat and his incomplete meal. If I were Michelle, I’d call him out for not completing a meal twice in twenty four hours. Tom calls Laurine’s fish tentative and overcooked, and Toby takes issue with the lack of chips. Ron completes his about face, and now tells the judges that he had the most difficult dish, trying to cover his ass since Michelle serves the dish in her restaurant. She tells him that even if he doesn’t understand “deconstruction,” he still must cook a good meal, which he failed to do with overcooked rice and meat.

Over deliberation, the  judges argue about how to say “paella,” and Michelle verbally bitch slaps Toby when he criticizes Latin pronunciations. I always forget that she’s Latin, but I guarantee you that Toby never will again. But they laugh it off! The same criticisms, so bring the bottom three back out!

Somehow, Ash squeaks by and Ron gets the boot. He’s disappointed but leaves on a positive note. Notably, that eliminates all of the chefs with accents, unless you include Mike V. and his Dirty Jersey-ness.

I don’t disagree with the judges this week, but I hope Ash can pull something together before he finally goes home. I’m also happy to see Kevin win, as he’s one of the most genuinely likeable people on this season. And he has the talent to back it all up.

Next week: Are they cooking in their apartment? Mike I. teams with Robin? The top guns worry about elimination? I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it looks like fun!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 6: Penn & Teller (originally aired September 23, 2009)

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