Top Chef: I’m On the Bottom Again. Balls.

We’re back! Still waiting for things to get interesting, but in the meantime…

Pre-Quickfire chatter: The women lost the men versus women bachelor/ette party challenge, and Jennifer’s unhappy about not making the top tier for the first time. Got 99 problems, Jennifer, and you are one. Mike I has a man crush on Mike V. Laurine feels intimidated by the formally trained young guns. Someone actually says, “Go big or go home.” And we go.

Quickfire. Create an “out of this world” dish featuring Potatoes. Guest judge, Mark Peel, and now I miss Top Chef Masters. Is that weird? I liked Mark, especially that voice.

Note: Jesse makes a sweet potato soup. Seems too easy. Mike I turns into a condescending ass by explaining that risotto isn’t rice, it’s a style of cooking. For the viewers out there, because we’re all idiots. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know that – it matters that his tone makes me want to see a kitchen accident involving Mike I and a hot stove. Preferably with visible flames. Ashley makes potato gnocchi by hand, assuming the risk of time management (which is why sweet potato soup seems far too easy). Preeti accidentally uses Ashley’s pot of water, and despite Preeti’s repeated apologies, Ashley throws a fit. Jennifer then interviews that she wouldn’t have been nearly as nice as Ashley. 99 problems, girl.

Mark Peel chooses Eli, Ron, and Jesse as his least favorites. Jennifer, Ash, and Ashley receive top marks. Mike I looks unhappy, and then Jennifer wins! Immunity but no money, the way the TC Gods originally intended. Mike I calls it favoritism. I imagine if he had won more than once, he’d chalk it up to his being awesome. No word on whether his issue with Jenn’s win is because she’s a girl or because it’s Jenn … again.

Elimination Challenge. Prepare a meal for 300 airmen at Nellis Air Force Base (the home of the Thunderbirds. Not these Thunderbirds). Ingredients and cooking dishes wait in hiding at the base. The chefs will work as one team to prepare the meal.

The chefs assemble at home and agree to pair up, with each pairing working on one dish. Jennifer, because of her immunity, will work the kitchen as Executive Chef. Mike I has taken control of this meeting, which sits wrong with me, but no one present seems to have an issue. Mike I then grabs Mike V as his partner, which disappoints both Mike V and Bryan as they had hoped to work together. I guess they like each other after all.

The next day, the chefs arrive on base to find canned food, no stove or pots, and limited cooking space. Chaos! I’m not sure exactly how the food will be cooked, but there’s woks and burners.

Laurine and Preeti, bonded by their San Francisco vicinity, team up to create a pasta salad. This covers the vegetarian option as well as utilizes the least amount of space in the crowded kitchen and minimizes the cooking time. They are flabbergasted, later noting that everyone else’s dishes come with “more bells and whistles.” Mike V takes control of the Mikes’ pork belly dish, leaving Mike I to deal with idle hands. He opts to make a Greek shrimp salad since there is no other salad on the menu. It’s the least he could do, right? He thinks he’s brilliant.

Jennifer prattles on about her experience as an Executive Chef and how she don’t take shit from no one. Like, ever. She makes Hector stop talking. She enforces time limits on the cooking equipment. She impresses Ash because she’s not as mild mannered as she seems. If you don’t like my lyrics you can press fast forward.

Hector prepares chili, a dish not so unusual in the hot and humid state of Texas, even on summer days. Jesse and Ron opt to make a clam chowder, and I wonder if Jesse knows how to make anything other than soup; she interviews that she would have made a gazpacho but there was no blender. As if there were no other meal options. Ron admits it’s a risk in the Las Vegas heat, but he won the Montauk Chowder Contest five times. Also note: Ron calls Mattin “Frenchie.”

Service. The airmen dine with their families. Colicchio likes Bryan and Mattin’s roasted beef loin. Laurine and Preeti’s pasta salad wasn’t flavored well and Gail calls it uninspired. The judges all enjoy Hector’s chili, and Padma wonders if Ron and Jesse’s chowder was a wise decision considering the heat. Colicchio has no issue with that or the chili, though Gail says the cream is too heavy for the weather. However, the diners seem to favor the chili and the chowder quite a bit. They should vote like the diners could on Masters! Kevin and Eli’s braised pork and potato salad earn high marks, with Eli’s potato salad especially impressing Mark Peel. The Mikes’ bacon/pork dish is “super mega-delicious,” per Gail, but their Greek shrimp salad contained undercooked shrimp. Ashley and Ash’s chocolate and peanut butter dessert was a little dense for Padma, a little dry for Mark, but overall delicious. Excuse me while I grab a Reese’s Peanut butter cup. The judges then comment that Jennifer seemed to corral the team well.

Judges’ Table. Mike V, Mike I, Kevin and Eli step out as the top four. Lots of compliments handed out, especially for Mike V and his pork – originally slabs of bacon, I think, that he turned into a delicious pork dish. Mike I confirms, under the illusion that the judges loved his salad, that he left Mike V to handle the pork alone, so he jumped on the shrimp dish. When Colicchio asks him if he was happy with the dish, he proves that he has never watched this show, because that question means: your dish sucked. But Mike I continues to walk into trouble, proudly talking about how it was refreshing and delicious and that’s how he rolls. Mark Peel announces Mike V as the winner. Mike V is  happy, but even happier when he realizes he and Bryan both have one Elimination Challenge win each. Sigh.

The losing bracket contains Preeti, Laurine, and …. Mike I. What the what? Awesome! He’s “frickin’ livid.” He was a winner five seconds ago! Colicchio notes that Mike I seems pissed, and he responds by ranting about how it was a team challenge and he wasn’t sure he wanted to serve the shrimp dish – yet can’t seem to address the criticisms about how it was undercooked and underseasoned. Colicchio barely contains his laughter.

Between Preeti and Laurine, neither admits to offering up the idea of pasta salad. Gail says their dish lacked creativity, and Preeti asks what was so creative about clam chowder on a 90 degree day? Tom says, “It was a better version of clam chowder than your version of pasta salad.” Awesome. Now Mark Peel tries to contain his laughter. And his astonishment because he can’t believe that Preeti believes they had one of the better flavored dishes.

Laurine admits she didn’t cook a winning dish, and that wasn’t her aim. Laurine and Preeti refuse to place blame or take credit, and barely blink when Padma asks if they should both go home. Laurine walks back into the Stew Room feeling good about the fact that neither woman gave each other up. Laurine deserves to go home for that right there. If you don’t like the rules of competition, don’t play.

Over deliberation, arguing ensues over who’s the bigger idiot: Preeti for not realizing her mistakes or Laurine for not “competing.” The judges remark about Mike I’s combative attitude and his lack of follow through on the shrimp salad.

Bring them back out, and Preeti is, in fact, the bigger idiot. She packs her knives and goes home, believing that the competition is stiffer this season. No, it isn’t, Preeti. No, it isn’t.

Next week: The loser of the Quickfire goes home! Here’s hoping it’s Mike I.!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 3: Thunderbirds (originally aired September 2, 2009)

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Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal