30 Rock: The People’s Gaypublic of Drugaphornia

So, that new cast member they keep talking about bringing onto TGS had better materialize soon, because I’m starting to doubt Jack’s sincerity on this. But in the meantime, Fey and co. are squeezing as much comedy out of the anticipation as possible.

This week’s 30 Rock follows Liz and Jack to Kenneth’s hometown of Stone Mountain, Georgia, where Jack is convinced they’ll find a local comedian who will appeal to real America. Liz persists in arguing that all America is real America, that chuckle sandwiches taste just as good as Italian subs, and the like (and no, I’m not explaining “chuckle” to those who didn’t see the episode; look it up if you want to know (but trust me, you really don’t)). Jack, though, is convinced that people in the South are better, purer, than liberal, elite, Jewish New Yorkers. He finds a run-of-the-mill Stone Mountain anti-woman ventriloquist, played by an apparently famous actual ventriloquist, and hires him to star on TGS (with a black fella). Things spiral downward when the dummy starts sassing Liz (really pretty harshly in my view) and Jack feels compelled to decapitate said dummy in Liz’s honor (and in defense of his own head size). Fortunately for us all, the ventriloquist will not be joining the TGS cast.

Back at the office, Jenna is trying various techniques, including arson and Mrs. Fields cookies, to get the TGS writers to like her more than the not-yet-existent new cast member. This leads her, Frank, Lutz, and Toofer (and Jenna’s friends Sasha, Michael, and Gay Michael) into an absurd circular scenario that results in them all throwing a big gay Halloween party in the studio, complete with costumes and hot girls in bikinis. And poor Tracy is terrified, not just because it’s Princeton Parents’ Weekend, but because the inspiration for Pac-Man and a famous clog dancer/Huffington Post blogger have just died, and the rule of threes is clearly out to get him. Neither an awesomely sassy Betty White (boo!) nor an awesomely clueless Jimmy Fallon (whoops, I mean Queen Latifah’s Friend) shows any signs of keeling over soon, but before Tracy and his hammer can take matters into their own hands, that ventriloquist dummy gets decapitated and Tracy is saved.

Well, that’s a relief. See you next week. In the meantime, keep refreshing. Maybe Andy Dick has died in the last twenty seconds.

Other things we learned this week:

• A gentleman, whether he’s human or somehow more than human, does not speak to a lady like that.
• From Peanut to President is on shelves now! (But apparently not in the Borders windows of that Sex Criminal Boat up there along the Hudson.)
• All anyone really wants in this life is to sit and eat a sandwich.
• The island is just Hurley’s dream.

Lines that I would really like to use in my day-to-day life, if I lived in a parallel universe where I had Tina Fey’s wit:

• Are we cowabunga on this?
• Canada? Why not just go to Iraq!
• I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.
• Lemon, to the Kia Sorrento!

Season 4, Episode 3: Stone Mountain (originally aired October 29, 2009)

For more on 30 Rock, click here.

Thursdays at 9:30/8:30C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal

Grey’s Anatomy: Derek’s Defiance

Last week we saw the intense competition between the Mercy West and Seattle Grace residents. This week we witness how the merger has pit Derek and the Chief against one another, causing Derek to become rebellious and go rogue.

Isaac, a hospital lab tech and favorite of many of the staff, approaches Derek with x-rays of a tumor wrapped around his spine. Knowing that Derek is one of the best neurosurgeons and a risk taker, Isaac asks him to try to remove the tumor.

Most of the doctors including Arizona, Callie, Sloan, Bailey and Hunt support Isaac’s wish for the surgery, although they admit it is risky. When Derek approaches the Chief about the surgery, they argue and the Chief forbids the surgery because it is too expensive and the tumor inoperable. Derek accuses the Chief of changing since the merger and too focused on money. Since almost losing his position as Chief, I think Richard is trying too hard to impress the board, rather than following his instincts.

Despite the Chief’s decision, Derek tells Meredith he is defying the Chief and has scheduled the surgery to remove the tumor.

The next day Derek holds a microsurgery contest with the help of a cup, red pen and dollar bill to decide who will scrub in on his “super secret surgery.” Cristina, much to her dismay, is unsuccessful but Jackson, who is very easy on the eyes and somewhat arrogant, wins the prize of scrubbing in.

Cristina struggles throughout the episode due to what she calls a “lack of a cardio god” at the hospital and the fact that she recently hasn’t scrubbed in on any difficult or unique surgeries.

Lexie pulls the assignment of being Derek’s “personal doctor” throughout the surgery to make sure he stays hydrated and takes breaks. Jackson is unkind and demeaning when he makes fun of her role in the surgery. Lexie then tries to prove how hardcore she is by wearing a diaper, so she doesn’t have to leave the OR for bathroom breaks.

While the Chief believes that Derek is performing craniotomies, he actually is in the OR for ten hours perplexed by the tumor on Isaac’s spine and never even starts the surgery. However, the Chief overhears Sloan, Callie and Arizona talking about the surgery and rushes into the OR and forces Derek to stop.

Derek tells Isaac there was no way to perform the surgery without risking his life or paralyzing him. Not fazed by the difficulty of the situation, Isaac gives a touching speech about doing the impossible and how he is a survivor. He then asks Derek to sleep on it and try again tomorrow. Derek goes home to Meredith and proceeds to draw the spine and tumor on their bedroom wall. He then creates a plan on how to remove the tumor.

The next day, after lying to the Chief again, and with the help of the other doctors covering for him, Derek performs the difficult surgery. Even Arizona, surprisingly, stands up to the Chief and declares, “He is trying to save one of our own. You don’t get to go in there and be a bully. Not on my watch.” Good for her! Although shortly afterwards, she bursts into tears.

In the end, Derek lives up to his reputation of being one of the top neurosurgeons, because he successfully removes the tumor without any damage to Isaac’s spinal cord. On a side note, Lexie helps with the surgery when Jackson’s hand cramps due to dehydration, meaning that her diaper technique, although radical, was worthwhile. Derek then approaches the Chief to try to reconcile but the Chief isn’t in a forgiving mood. He fires Derek, and tells him to “get the hell out of my hospital.” However, Derek repeats Isaac’s words to him, “Go home. Sleep on it. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

Throughout the episode, Alex continues to deal with Izzie’s disappearance. She skips one of her treatments and Alex breaks down in front of Reed, who was actually kind to him. Hopefully, Izzie comes back before Alex becomes downright depressed.

I was happy to see the large number of characters involved in the episode and the inclusion of the Mercy West residents. Although, I still would like to see the MW doctors developed more. There was sarcastic and humorous interaction between the characters that I enjoyed.

My one major gripe is that for the past three weeks, three doctors have been fired: Izzie, April and now Derek. I do not believe that Derek’s termination is for real but if this is turning into a reality show with a doctor being fired each week, I would like a vote too!

For another take on this episode, check out McDreamy to the Rescue by Tanya Lane.

Season 6, Episodes 7: Give Peace a Chance (Originally aired October 29, 2009)

For more Grey’s Anatomy, click here.

Thursdays 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Karen Neal

Supernatural: Grumpy Old Men

Sam and Dean match wits this week with a card dealing, smooth talking, life sucking nine-hundred-year-old male witch who displays moments of great kindness by giving youth back to old men.

It’s a filler episode with the Winchester brothers investigating the death of a man who looked like he had died of old age but in fact was only twenty-five years old. Very Benjamin Button right? So they find out that this was caused via a high stakes poker game. What do you play for? Years.

The traveling male witch named Patrick goes around from town to town enticing men to play a game of poker. If you’re old and of pure intention then chances are you’ll win back a couple of years of your life. If you’re young and arrogant, well sorry mister you’re in for some early sciatica and acid reflux.

Bobby ends up losing twenty-five years after thinking it would be an easy way  to get younger and no longer be paralyzed. Dean finds out and comes to the rescue by buying in fifty years and giving twenty-five back to Bobby. Next thing we know, Sam comes back to their motel and finds an old man whose sarcastic banter sounds an awful lot like his big brother’s.

They manage to find where Patrick lives and get into his apartment, figuring that the chips have to be magical. Unfortunately they didn’t figure that there would be another witch with him, his mate Lia. It seems that everyone who has evil powers first does that neck-choking thing. That actually confused me because I thought only demons did that. But after some sleuthing I learned that witches in Supernatural gained their powers from demons by selling their souls to them. So that is probably a favorite move.

What I wondered though was how would a witch die? It seemed that Patrick didn’t get killed easily even after a car in a head on collision hit him. He also doesn’t age. In other episodes we learn that all demons were once witches in their human life but that traces of humanity disappeared after their time in hell. Patrick obviously still has his humanity because he shows kindness to the older men by giving them their youth back. He also says that he is not a killer and will not play with Dean as an old man (because he doesn’t have enough years left). Then there is Lia, who gives Bobby, Sam, and Dean the reversal spell so that she can essentially die after being depressed about burying her daughter who died of old age. Did she just gain her power from Patrick and thus in her death will not go to hell? He sadly plays a final game with her as she bets all her years and loses.

It’s a little sad to think that when he eventually dies, he’ll become a demon.

Speaking of demons, I wonder if witches are up to date with demon events such as the apocalypse and oh Sam being Lucifer’s vessel. I’m guessing not.

Sam though wins a game of Texas Hold’em poker and gets Dean his years back. We don’t know what happens to Patrick but assumedly he goes on his way sad that he lost Lia.

The best moments of the episode were undoubtedly the grumpy old men banter between Bobby and Dean. Old Dean is hilarious as he experiences life at eighty complete with the indigestion, bad hips and back, and the creepiness of hitting on younger women. One thing he learns though, stay away from the cheeseburger.

Season 5, Episode 7: The Curious Case of Dean Winchester (Originally aired October 29, 2009).

For more on Supernatural, click here.

Thursdays at 9/8C on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and David Gray

The Office: Halloween Gets Fishy in Scranton

It’s Halloween in Scranton, and though the warehouse has morphed into a haunted depot of sorts, the characters are finally acting like themselves again: Creed’s-a-creepin’ as a Vampire who wants to “sell your blood,” Meredith makes Paris Hilton look like a prude, and Jim undertakes his typical eye rolls at the camera.

As the gang suits up in various indistinguishable costumes, their timeless and awkwardly beloved characteristics—those that make The Office a hit—seem to shine like a 10-year-old’s eyes on October 31st (and no, this rave review is not a product of the cookie I happily munched on during the episode…but thanks for the input, Marcie!).

Jim prepares for a sales visit, and is not happy when the client asks that Michael accompany him. Michael insists he won’t babysit Jim, but it seems he’s the one who needs watching when he returns to the office, his suit soaked head to toe. His employees are confused as to why Jim is dry, yet solve the short-lived mystery when Erin receives a call that Michael’s keys have been fished out of a koi pond.

Due to their low sales numbers, Pam and Andy make a cold call to a potential client together. When a receptionist sees Pam’s belly, she immediately assumes the baby is Andy’s and congratulates the pair. Pam’s over-the-top reaction that she would never, ever, ever, EVER date Andy upsets him. He retaliates with an equally cruel—or perhaps worse—response when the client makes a similar comment. In doing so, he also blows the sale.

Meanwhile, Dunder Mifflin makes fun of Michael for his fishy encounter with an indoor tank, mocking him through wordplay such as, “When you fell in, did you flounder?”

These insults irk Michael, so he implements a sensitivity training for the whole office. Michael explains that you can’t make fun of someone for something they regret—though Phyllis points out that he makes fun of his employees often. He allows each to come up with a list of off-limit teasing topics: Dwight’s nose, Kevin’s “huge gut,” and Meredith’s sexual encounter with a terrorist (Hmmm…).

At Pam and Andy’s second cold call, they pretend they’re married for the sake of the sale. Yet Andy creepily takes this role playing too far, kissing and canoodling Pam’s stomach after the baby kicks and referring to the child as “soy bean.”

Michael’s client is charging him $300 for stepping on and thereby murdering one of their precious koi. Michael thinks he’ll be made fun of forever, like the time in High School everyone called him “pony tail,” for getting his pony tail caught in a power drill.

Jim suggests that if Michael pokes fun at himself, the rest of the office will lay off, too. However, Michael takes this approach too far, making himself look pathetic when he brings up the four times the Girls’ volleyball team threw him into a frozen lake and the fact that he is a friendless loser.

Meredith has procured a tape of Michael’s fall and plans to show it to everyone. Jim objects, but the tape surfaces anyway.

In the car back to the office, Andy admits that he took his acting a bit too far. He’s really just sick of being single and has been crushing on Erin, who Pam isn’t fond of but also doesn’t really think Andy can do any better.

Finally, the tape of Michael’s fall reveals a harsh truth: that Jim essentially let him fall into the indoor pond. Jim feels guilty as Dwight murmurs “Judas,” believing that he has committed a huge betrayal. Though you feel slightly angry at Jim, it turns out he was just jealous and thought he could handle the sales call sans his co-manager. Michael is thrilled that Jim could ever be jealous of him, and lets the whole thing go.

Kudos to the writers for getting the show back on track this week! Keep ‘em coming and let the characters do what they do best: bask in their own inelegancies.

Season 6, Episode 7: Koi Pond (Originally aired October 29, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC and Justin Lubin

America’s Next Top Model: Let’s Go Surfing

Hey, remember when ANTM was innocent fun? It was only just a few weeks ago. Now people everywhere are taking offense, learning disabilities are used for comedy and suspense, and the girls won’t stop screaming. Really. I can’t take much more fake enthusiasm out of so called “adults.” I used to like these short girls and their big dreams, but they’ve devolved into average contestants now, and I can’t wait to say goodbye to them.

And after tonight, we’ve only got two more episodes to go before the finale! Aiyeeeee!!!

But first! Let’s get through this drama-filled episode. This week’s showdown: Brittany versus Erin! Brittany thinks Erin’s a big ol’ baby, and Erin thinks Brittany is a big ol’ shrew. And ne’er the twain shall meet. There’s lots of foul play editing here, because later, when (spoiler alert!) Erin wins the challenge and chooses Brittany to share the prize, Brittany concedes that she was a spoiled baby once too, so she lets a lot of it go – except that she doesn’t say it in an “Oops, I probably shouldn’t have been so catty” kind of way. And if Erin really hated Brittany, she probably wouldn’t have picked her for the prize.

So – imagine lots of mean interviews from Brittany and Erin about each other sprinkled throughout the episode. When the girls arrive home from judging, Tyra’s Haz-mat team fumigates the model house because there’s ants in the bathroom and dirty dishes in the sink. After a lesson in How to Clean Up After Yourself, Tyra surprises the girls with a trip to … Hawaii! No exotic, foreign location for these short girls! Cue the screaming! Which has been almost non-stop since the girls noticed something afoot at their digs. I muted my television until they reached Hawaii.

There’s a new house (scream!) and then it’s off to the beach for surfing lessons (scream!). Because balance and body awareness also relates to modeling, in case you were wondering. After the teach, Jay springs the challenge: the girls will take a photo while riding their surfboard. They have one chance to hit a wave and take a good photo. They all do surprisingly well – I’m basing this on the fact that they all stood up on the surfboard and posed, however awkwardly. Except for Sundai, who had her back to the photographer.

The Brittany/Erin rivalry continues (never started?). Jay likes them both, but he chooses Erin for the win. As her prize, she receives a helicopter tour of their Hawaiian island. She picks Nicole and Brittany to join her. Then comes Brittany’s snark-less interview about how annoying Erin is, but she’s been there so she can relate, which really makes me think all the antagonism this week is contrived. Erin, meanwhile, thinks she was jilted with her prize, because who cares about mountains? They’re just big rock formations, one after the other. It’s not like she won jewelry or a gift card or anything. Nature? Beauty? You can’t fool this fake blonde, Tyra!

Predictably (and rightfully so), come interviews from Sundai and Jennifer calling Erin a spoiled brat. Which saves me from having to say any more about Erin. Regarding this, at least. Much is made of Erin’s age (18) and immaturity. Also, guess who doesn’t react well to sunlight, even with SPF 80? Kentucky! Her skin is painfully red – I feel awful for her not because she’s my favorite (Me? Favoritism?), but because I’ve been stupid enough to burn myself that way and I understand the pain she’ll suffer later. Jay pointed out during the shoot how red she was turning … but you know, skin care’s just a minor modeling issue. Take a good photo!

Speaking of … on to the shoot! Out in the sugar canes, the girls meet Jay and Ms. Tyra. That’s right, she’s back to play photographer. While I think it’s a good sign that Tyra’s taking such an interest this year, I’m so so so tired of her.  And that was before we learn about…

The theme for this week’s shoot is Hapa, referring to Hawaii’s tradition of mixed heritages. Each girl will represent two different and distinct nationalities, with the help of hair and make-up. This means some girls, as required, will have their skin painted an entirely different color. The clothes will help make up the difference.

There’s been some buzz on the ‘net about whether this constitutes an issue of blackface. Some folks seem quick to point fingers. For my part, I’ll say that while I don’t believe Tyra meant any disrespect – no nationality is ridiculed here – I do think there were better fashion and educational opportunities in this photo shoot; the make-up was tasteful but the fashion choices were stereotypical. Tyra claims that these aren’t necessarily outfits worn by people of these nationalities today … or ever … they are “fashion interpretations.”  Bold colors do not fashion interpretations make, girl. A clichéd Native American headdress ain’t fashion – it’s reinforcing stereotypes. Also, none of the girls have any idea what Tyra’s talking about when she says, “Model like Tibet,” and “Show me East Indian.”  This isn’t a “Be the color blue” situation; the parameters require some knowledge of actual facts, which aren’t provided. So is black face the issue? I don’t think so. Ignorance? Absolutely.

And if it is a racial issue, I think it’s time to bring in the big guns to help put Ms. Tyra back on the right path (or at least back on the path she’s ventured too far from lately): It might be time to call Oprah.

And back to the show! Why are these reviews so serious lately? To hair, make-up, stereo-typical costumes, and then it’s off to the shoot. Jennifer (Batswana & Polynesian) is “a mess” until Jay provides inspiration, and then she nails her photo. Kentucky (Mexican & Greek) also disappoints Tyra at first, but asks for a blunt critique. Tyra tells it to her straight (“I’m not loving it”), and then Kentucky rocks it out. Erin (Tibetan & Egyptian), suddenly, finds Tyra intimidating, and can’t nail a shot. Sundai (Russian & Moroccan)  does okay. Jay likes her but I’m still not sure why she’s here.. Brittany (Native American & East Indian) finishes her shoot quickly, but without much variety in pose or creativity. Tyra calls it low energy and “catalog.” Nicole (Malagasy & Japanese) rocks Jay’s world and “turned it.”

Judging. Guest judge: Kirsty Hume, who’s ten times better than last week’s judge.

Jennifer is more National Geographic than model. She looks cool, but I’m the only one who thinks so. Kentucky, with bright, sunburned cheeks, impresses the judges, and Tyra likes that Kentucky asked for honesty and then delivered. Sundai has one look … one look! … and Ms. J’s growing tired of it. However, no one gives Erin a hard time for her one look. Am I the only one? She has the same face in every photo! Why is she still here? Erin claims to have been unnerved by Tyra the Judge, but the judges don’t buy that behind her back, though they encourage her to her face. She lacks edge and power behind the eyes. Brittany lacks energy and is too stoic; her headdress and sari overpower her. Tyra then drops the “catalog” word again. Nicole wows all of the judges, modeling head to toe, just the way Tyra taught her. And that’s what this is all about.

Over deliberation, everyone’s showing weaknesses except for Nicole, and then it’s time to line them back up. Called first: Nicole. Then Jennifer, Kentucky and Sundai. Bottom two: Erin and Brittany. And now the whole faux rivalry makes sense! The producers, instead of tackling something meaningful like blackface, stereotypes, or cultural differences, felt they needed to jazz up a boring episode with sketchy editing and fake hate, culminating in a final two they badly set up as rivals earlier in the episode. Brittany’s too analytical and formulaic, and Erin’s engaging in self-sabotage. Going home: Brittany. She takes it hard at first but has a positive weepy exit interview. My question: who’s Erin going to fight with next week?

Next week: An underwater photo shoot!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 9: Let’s Go Surfing (originally aired October 28, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Tyra Banks, and Ryan Goble

Top Chef: Pricking On

After seeing this week’s episode of Top Chef I am left feeling a little uncertain if I agreed with the departure of Mike Isabella. At the beginning of this season I was rooting for him as a local DC chef but then I changed allegiances to Jen because she was tough and seemed to hold her own. But now she’s cracking under the pressure and I’m left with no one to really root for.

This is a first for me because there was always someone worth it that would motivate me to keep watching week after week. While it feels pretty safe to assume that the Voltaggio brothers will make the top three, their personality and their cooking just hasn’t won me over. Who will fill the third spot more than likely seems to be Kevin now unless Jen manages to pull something miraculous that will blow away the judges’ minds in the next two episodes.

It seemed like a majority of the chefs tonight were much more creative in the quickfire challenge than the elimination challenge. When there were zoom in shots of the food, I got really hungry and had to go raid my fridge. Tonight’s quickfire had the chefs draw knives where they were assigned a particular TV show. Then they would use the show as inspiration to come up with their version of a TV dinner.

Kevin won that round with his inspiration being The Sopranos with his meatballs with polenta, roasted Cauliflower, and roasted pear. In second place came Bryan whose apple tarte tatin looked absolutely delicious on my television screen that I had to get up and rummage through my fridge for something sweet to eat (alas all I had was Greek yogurt!).

For the elimination round, the contestants are told that they will be taking over judge Tom Colicchio’s Craftsteak restaurant. Everyone then starts figuring out what meat dishes they are going to be making and when they get to the kitchen, they are drooling over the amount of quality product that is at their disposal. But then comes the big twist, their guest judge turns out to be Natalie Portman.

Anyone who pays attention to Natalie Portman knows that she is vegetarian. I was surprised that they would have this type of challenge again because a vegan one was already done in Top Chef Masters with actress Zooey Deschanel. I actually liked that episode much more because not only is cooking vegan more challenging, but Deschanel also had gluten and soy allergies to boot.

The elimination round dishes were not spectacular. Kevin wins with his duo of mushrooms, smoked kale, candied garlic and turnip puree. I believe the reasoning behind this was due to the mushroom as good meat substitute while everyone else’s was a lot less hearty and substantial. Michael, who was also in the top three, was upset that his asparagus salad, Japanese tomato sashimi and banana polenta didn’t take the center stage, as the end all be all dish of the night. He remarks that he could have done the winning plate during the second year of his apprenticeship.

So Mike gets axed for his badly cooked fennel and Robin once again is safe despite being consistently at the bottom. He probably got kicked off for his arrogance more than anything, but hey maybe the Top Chef producers wanted to shake things up for ratings sake. Next episode though, it seems insane that Robin isn’t finally kicked of.

The highlight of the night was a funny little exchange between Natalie and Padma while eating Bryan’s food that goes something like this:

Padma: There’s like a little prick on the tip of my tongue!

Natalie: Oh don’t say that! That’s awesome!

Oh ladies, tsk tsk.

Want to see the exchange for yourself? Here’s the video.

For another take on this episode, check out Whatever, Whatever by Jaimie Campos.

Season 6, Episode 10: Meat Natalie (originally aired October 28, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Trae Patton

Top Chef: Whatever, Whatever

This episode is called “Meat Natalie.” Which sounds a little dirty, if you think about it.

But let’s save it for service, because I’m not the only one who’s a fan of That’s What She Said. This week, the editors nicely give nearly everyone some interview face time to throw us off the scent of the eliminated chef, but eventually, they can’t help themselves and the hints get bigger. And I am surprisingly sad to see this chef go.

But first! Pre-Quickfire chatter: Jennifer’s down on herself for last week’s loss in Restaurant Wars. As you should be! Kevin and Jennifer producing poor dishes? Nonsense! Robin, meanwhile, thinks she solidified her right to still be here. This woman’s crazy.

Quickfire. Guest judge: Paul Bartolotta. The chefs must re-imagine a gourmet version of the TV dinner and draw knives to determine which show will inspire their meal. Mike I. claims to never have seen a single episode of Seinfeld, which is ludicrous. Yes, there is something wrong with that. I’m not even a Seinfeld fan, for crying out loud. Robin claims ignorance about Sesame Street. Eli doesn’t “get” Gilligan’s Island because it was before his time. Come on now! Can the people who appear on television really not be television fans? My heart breaks a little. Jennifer compares herself to Pebbles on The Flintstones but doesn’t explain why. Interesting. I would have guessed Fred: all bark and no bite. Anyway, she commits a few more errors and incorrectly cooks her food. Once again, she’s not happy.

Paul doesn’t believe that Mike I. has never seen Seinfeld. Also, his least favorites: Jennifer and Robin. Oh, Jennifer. You were the only woman with any hope of (rightfully) making it to the final. Paul’s top two are Bryan and Kevin, with Kevin receiving the immunity-less win.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will take over craftsteak for one night to serve a party of eleven people. It’s not until after the chefs raid craft’s meat locker the next day that Colicchio introduces the guest of honor and guest judge, Natalie Portman. And oh wait, I know we’re cooking in a steakhouse, but guess what? Natalie’s a vegetarian! Oh, if only we hadn’t seen this just a few months ago with someone just as petite but a little more quirky. Still, I like Ms. Portman (as does Mike I., if that grin is any indication). Like Eli, I immediately think of her role in Star Wars (“Which is the only important thing you can do.”) because I had to watch Episode II recently with my niece and nephew. That was painful. At any rate, the chefs all groan and rework their dishes. Kevin, Robin and Mike I. don’t worry as they’re all comfortable cooking vegetarian. Mike I. in particular has over twenty vegetarian dishes on his personal menu.

And then come the mistakes! Robin prepares a brand new dish, believing that all the components are good, so it’ll just come together. Because that’s how things work here. Mike I. undercooks his leeks because Colicchio’s pans are lopsided and the water doesn’t boil. Still, he says “gold medals are lost in the last six minutes when people change their minds.” That’s actually a great quote, and I’m surprised I agree since it’s coming from Mike I. Bryan stumbles for the first time ever as he loses track of time and puts out sloppy, incomplete dishes. He’s not proud of his work.

Jennifer and Eli both want eggplant, and after a toss of some vegetables (coins not being readily available in a kitchen) Eli wins the eggplant filets and Jennifer winds up with baby eggplants. She realizes she should change her idea, but incorrectly decides to stick with it. You get the impression she really doesn’t want to think much more. Meanwhile, Eli wants to break out of the middle of the pack and win for a change, because maturity is underrated. His words, not mine.

For those doing well, Kevin makes a dish he’s made before, as he and his wife regularly give up meat for Lent. No dirty jokes here, kids! His goal is to make the dish feel as though it’s not missing a meat component.

Service. Gail is back! Robin’s dish, though beautiful in presentation, suffers from a salt issue. Also, she runs out of time during plating and misses the chance to add garbanzo beans to all the plates. Naturally, Colicchio receives one of those plates. Eli warns the other chefs about Natalie’s hot friends; the diners seem to enjoy his dish, despite too much lavender. All of the diners love Mike V.’s dish, with one of the them calling him Picasso. The dish makes Natalie smile and laugh, and confuses her. Which, literally, is the reaction he’s going for, so … maybe he is Picasso. Suddenly, Jennifer’s nervous – she decides to sauce the dishes tableside and she ends up spilling half of it because her hands are shaking so much. Oh lord. Though the diners enjoy her food (if not the spilling of the sauce), her meal isn’t substantial and feels more like a collection of side dishes. Bryan’s dish contains just a little too much garlic: Padma says, “It’s like a little prick in your mouth,” and right on cue, Natalie laughs and says, “Don’t say that!”  The conversation devolves from there, in a very funny way that makes me feel justified for my Michael Scott moments. Kevin’s dish is basically only kale, turnips and mushrooms, but the diners enjoy it as a fulfilling meal, not just as a collection of vegetables.

Judges’ Table. Padma summons Kevin, Mike V., and Eli. Despite the more obvious love of Mike V.’s dish, Kevin wins the challenge along with a full suite of GE products. Mike V. is pissed, as he feels Kevin’s dish could have been pulled together in twenty minutes in his second year of apprenticeship. Kevin, meanwhile, is proud of the win. This should make for an interesting finale, right? Oh come on, we all know these two will be there.

Bring out the losers: Mike I., Jennifer and Robin. Mike I. takes some heat for not including a protein, such an important component for a vegetarian. The undercooked leek comes back to haunt him, as does his “whatever, whatever” vegetables. He doesn’t seem to think it was that bad. Robin talks circles for a few minutes before Colicchio correctly interprets her rambling as an idea that never found cohesion. Jennifer accepts defeat from the word go, all but giving her farewell interview.

Over deliberation, the judges discuss Jennifer’s defeatist attitude (burnout!), and Mike’s arrogance. Here’s where I miss Gail the most – she is more offended by Mike’s attitude rather than his food.

Call them back out, and Mike goes home! There were hints throughout the episode, but I still thought we’d say good-bye to Robin this week. Or rather, I hoped. So did everyone else, based on their reactions when Mike I. walks back into the Stew Room. While I’m happy that I can drop the initials from the Mikes’ name now, I still find myself a little disappointed that Mike I. is leaving. He’s obnoxious and sexist, but I guess I actually enjoyed watching him more than I do Robin and Eli. Who knew? (I bet he thinks he did.)

Though I found this episode and its vegetarian twist more enjoyable than I’ve found the last few episodes, TC loses ten points for rehashing the challenge from just a few months ago in the Masters series. I don’t mind the Masters coming to judge (Moonen, Keller) but it’s a little too soon to steal ideas.

Next week: Padma in bed, and someone gambles and loses!

For another take on this episode, check out Pricking On by Nicole Cukingnan.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 10: Meat Natalie (originally aired October 28, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Trae Patton

The Vampire Diaries: Vampire Training on All Hallow’s Eve

Just last week I took my first bite into The CW’s The Vampire Diaries when they reran its second episode, “The Night of the Comet,” and despite a few misgivings I thought the show held some promise. This week found a return to new episodes and what better way for a show about vampires to make a good impression than with a good old fashioned Halloween episode?

Appropriately titled “Haunted”, episode seven of the series finds Vicki (Kayla Ewell) trying to adjust to her recently acquired status of vampire under the guidance of veterans Damon and Stefan Salvatore (Ian Somerhalder and Paul Wesley). One would think that there could be no better teachers than a couple of long undead brothers, but Damon and Stefan aren’t exactly peas in a pod and immediately pull her in opposite directions with Damon encouraging her to let loose while Stefan tries to temper her thirst for human blood with strong coffee and samplings of animal blood.

In the last episode that I watched it was abundantly clear that Vicki was sort of a mess with a minor drug problem, boy problems, and an over-protective older brother who certainly has reason to be concerned. Elena (Nina Dobrev) appropriately dubs her a “vampire with issues” and frankly, truer words were never spoken.

Elena is particularly concerned knowing that her fairly innocent and fragile younger brother, Jeremy (Steven R. McQueen) is romantically inclined towards the trainwreck known as Vicki and any sort of sexually charged encounter between them in Vicki’s burgeoning vampire state would not end well for anyone involved. Needless to say tensions rise when Vicki escapes the watchful eye of the Salvatore brothers and heads to the town’s big Halloween party to seek out Jeremy.

Seeing Vicki walk through the crowd of scantily clad revelers with gratuitous shots of bare necklines was a lot like watching an alcoholic being forced to prance down the aisles of a liquor store. Temptation was everywhere and as a viewer I found myself holding my breath that she would keep her composure. Luckily she finds Jeremy and the two of them sneak off as Elena and the Salvatores desperately try to track her down. What starts as a hot makeout session between her and Jeremy leads to the drawing of blood and before the episode is over a large wooden stake comes into play and a major character takes their last breath of Mystic Falls’ spooky air.

I refuse to give away any more details but the ending is somewhat touching and a kind gesture comes from the most unlikely of sources in a way that made this episode stand out above and beyond in quality from the first one I watched.  “Haunted” told a very concise story with a beginning, middle, and an end while still promoting character and story arcs that will obviously carry on. Don’t get me wrong, I still think this series has potentially too many characters and varying storylines to juggle, but with one character biting the dust this week, the storylines may become a little more streamlined. I’m particularly intrigued by the addition of witchcraft to the mix in the form of Bonnie (Katerina  Graham) and her grandma portrayed by none other than Jasmine Guy who older viewers will remember as the love interest of the goofy Dwayne Wayne on the famed NBC sitcom A Different World in the late 80s and early 90s.

After two out of sequence episodes now the series is beginning to grow on me in a big way. Time will only tell if watching them in order from this point out will make it better or highlight cliched formulas. Stay tuned.

Season 1, Episode 7: Haunted (originally aired October 29, 2009)

For more on The Vampire Diaries, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Quantrell Colbert

So You Think You Can Dance: Dancers Beware!

I think season six is cursed. These contestants better leap lightly because a bone could break at any moment and all extremities are in jeopardy. This week has been nothing but craziness in the So You Think You Can Dance world, and it’s a little much to take in. Not to mention, this week’s bottom four baffled me. Okay, really only one baffled me, but that one literally made my jaw hit the floor.

First, the whole kit and kaboodle has been shaken up. There’s a fourth judge and a new stage. Second, because this season is taking place in the fall during the World Series (Go Yankees!), we’ll be missing out on voting. Yep! The judges will be making the decision until a baseball victor has been crowned. Then, the results show will kick in. Third, we got a treat in Monday’s show since, for the first time, we were able to watch each contestant in a group number that showcased their own genres. (I actually think this needs to be done EVERY season to even out the playing field between those who get a ton of camera time and those who don’t.)

Fourth, Billy Bell, an early favorite for the judges, fans and myself, had to bow out of the competition due to illness (::cough::mono::cough::). Brandon Dumlao, a hip-hop dancer who only got one passing mention in all of my SYTYCD audition reviews, stepped in to take his place. Can you imagine a fifth point?! Well, there is. Fifth, Noelle hurt her knee and had to sit out of this week’s competition. She may continue on; she may be too hurt, but we won’t find out until next week. In essence, her pain garnered her a one-week, free pass. I probably could have written five reviews this week with all the material that SYTYCD provided, but I will try my best to condense the highlights into one bulging review.

SHOWCASE NIGHT
No one went home after dancing on Monday, and I’m okay with that because, man, it would have been hard to choose. The group performed a Wade Robson jazz routine to open up the show, and I can’t remember another top 20 opening routine that could hold a candle to this one. Everyone shined on introduction night, but the real standout, for me, was Jakob. He had very little screen time up to this point, but he shot right up to the top of my pick list. Of course, the judges praised everyone tonight, but it was deserved. Even Cat (good to see you back in the spotlight and looking fabulous, Ms. Deeley) asked, “How are we going to send anyone home this season?”

THE TOP 20
This season I’ll be ranking the dances on a 1-10 scale. A 10 means absolutely amazing, and a one means someone falling on their face would have been more exciting. I’m ranking a dance only against the other dances that night. A 10 this week could be a 8 compared to next week’s dances. So here goes…

Phillip and Channing performed a jive by new SYTYCD Australia choreographer Jason Gilkison to “Rockin’ Robin” by the Jackson 5
Channing surpassed my expectations. She was absolutely captivating. Phillip could work on making that cheese of his more genuine. It’s just too pearly. The jive is probably the easiest type of ballroom for him to pick up with its quick leg work, but I don’t want to deter from the fact that he did a commendable job. There was one extremely awkward lift, but overall, a solid routine. 7

Ashleigh and Jakob performed a Broadway piece by Tyce Diorio to “Hit Me With A Hot Note (And Watch Me Bounce)” from the Sophisticated Ladies original soundtrack
Jakob must have, seriously, rubbed off on Ashleigh because she didn’t bother me. Shankman said that God put Jakob on this earth for one thing “and it is to spread the gospel of dance and its excellence.” He’s so right. He did lifts and high kicks and higher jumps and fast drops. I mean, WHAA? Ashleigh needs to work on her face which she scrunches up in a weird way sometimes, otherwise, she’s come very far in a very short time period. 8

Ariana and Peter performed a hip-hop routine by Nappy/Tabs to “Black & Gold” by Sam Sparro
The concept was stellar. The routine was based on two robots who only come “alive” when they’re together. Peter was alright, but Ariana was really stiff. Nappy/Tabs bring the flavor, and the performance was just dry. The judges noted that they weren’t similar in their dance moves. Plus, the chemistry was weak for a piece that was supposed to be about robots in love. 5

Russell performed a foxtrot choreographed by Tony Meredith and Melanie Lapatin to “Vagabond Shoes” by Victor Damone
Russell’s partner is supposed to be Noelle, but she had to watch from the stands while Melanie stood in. He didn’t have all the technique down, but he had flare and confidence and made me happy to watch him. Given the fact that he danced with a woman that he’s probably not attracted to and had a partner switch, midway through week one (AND he’s a krumper), I’m impressed. The judges also enjoyed it, though that’s not new news. 6

Bianca and Victor performed a contemporary piece choreographed by Travis Wall to “Wasted Time” by Me’Shell Ndegeocello
This was my favorite piece of the night. I witnessed the perfect combination of great music, amazing choreography, strong dancing and powerful chemistry. Mary pointed out that Bianca has fought so hard to reach this point and was passionate, and you could taste the fight emanating out of that girl. Victor joined Jakob as a guy who’s been off the radar and just sky rocketed. 10

Karen and Kevin performed a cha-cha choreographed by Tony Meredith and Melanie Lapatin to “Push It” by the Glee Cast
In pre-show talks with a friend, I discovered that we were on opposite sides of the Karen train. I will now concede that she was right, and I was wrong. Even though Karen got her style, she still took it to a higher level. She nailed every step, every turn, every look and then some. Kevin was so-so in my opinion. The judges saw his lack of technique but praised him for his fire and passion. 8

Ellenore and Ryan performed a jazz routine by Sonya Tayeh to “Arcadia” by Apparat
Sonya is a visionary. She was totally that kookie girl in the back of my class who said the strangest things and probably thought even weirder things. The really cool kids would totally laugh with at her. Well, who’s laughing now? Cause that girl is completely brilliant. Her best routines are pure art. I have nothing bad to say about these two. Ryan made me forget that he was a ballroom dancer. A BALLROOM DANCER! That rarely happens this early in the game. I couldn’t keep my eyes off Ellenore. She was graceful and beautiful and freaky at the same time, quite a feat. 9

Pauline and Brandon performed a smooth waltz choreographed by Jason Gilkison to “Light Up My Life” by Whitney Houston
This duo was the underdog of the night. It’s an extremely difficult dance, and it doesn’t always capture viewers like a contemporary piece can. Brandon had to learn the piece, and both had to adapt to a new partner, in a day and a half. With all that being said, I think they did a great job, and I thought it was beautiful. I know things must look different in the studio without the panning camera angles, but Nigel though it was like a prom couple dancing. Plus, he pointed out that they get no favors just because they went through a rough patch. 6

Kathryn and Legacy performed a hip-hop routine choreographed by Dave Scott to “On & On” by Missy Elliott
I loved this one. It was the hip-hop version of Sonya’s dance. Every move and every choice was a great one. Kathryn was hot, which I never really thought before, and Legacy looked like a dancer, not just a b-boy. Both Shankman and Mary were impressed with the way that Legacy hit his moves as if he’d been picking up choreography his whole life. 9

Mollee and Nathan performed a disco choreographed by Doriana Sanchez to “Turn The Beat Around (Pablo’s 12” Remix)” by Gloria Estefan
I know it’s a disco, but it was a tiny bit frantic to me. These two made up for it, though, with their dancing and energy (even if it looked like dance on speed). Nathan also proved that he can dance like an angel in contemporary and then get saucy and sexy, and Mollee kind of reminded me of sunshine. 8

THE BOTTOM FOUR
When I look back at my scores, the bottom four is pretty clear, but that didn’t stop me from being surprised when Russell was put in the bottom. Ariana, Pauline and Brandon joined him. He is the show darling, and there was no way that they’d send him home before Brandon. This whole group is talented, so I enjoyed everyone’s solo. In the end, Ariana and Brandon were sent home. Nigel stated that, currently, there is a rule which states once you make the Top 20 you can’t be a contestant on any other season. However, he is going to talk to the producers about making an exception for Brandon. Under the circumstances, I wouldn’t object.

WRAP IT UP
So two dancers are already down and out. Really, four dancers including our injured Billy and Noelle. I guess, I mean five if we count losing the awesome Paula.  This is already turning out to be the craziest SYTYCD season ever. Game on!

Season 6, Episodes 10 & 11:  Meet the Top 20 Dancers/Top 20 Perform (originally aired October 26 & 27, 2009)

Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

The Amazing Race: “Why Do You Hate Me Right Now?” “Because You’re Being A Moron!”

Oh boy was this a ridiculous episode. A ridiculous episode of a ridiculous reality television show showcasing truly ridiculous people. I would think it impossible to watch the people on this show and then not feel better about your life afterward.

We open in Dubai, and Meghan and Cheyne get the fun train started. They are first to have to complete the Roadblock challenge. They have to row a boat (you know some idiot is going to start singing the song as they do it and the cameras will make sure to capture all of it) a small distance to a yacht where they are given a watch set to 8:35. They then have to use those numbers as the combination to open a number lock on a briefcase that contains their next clue. Of course, this requires that one be able to tell time, and this perplexing feat proves more difficult for some.

Cheyne makes it back from the yacht with the watch as Brian & Ericka (you know…the interracial couple!) and the Globetrotters are just getting started. Cheyne and Meghan figure out the code pretty fast and head for the next clue. Brian starts rowing as Sam & Dan arrive. Meanwhile, a cabbie takes Flight Time and Big Easy (coincidentally, I’m changing my name to Big Time to pay homage to these fellas and the positive effect they’ve had on me) to the wrong yacht club. Bless that man.

Brian gets his briefcase open while Matt watches his father Gary make a fool out of himself trying to row a boat. I don’t quite understand what’s so hard about rowing a boat, but a quadriplegic coma patient could have rowed better than Gary.

In first place, Meghan & Cheyne are presented with the next challenge, this week’s Detour. Teams pick between Gold and Glass, the gold challenge being to measure out exactly $500,000 in gold on a scale, the glass challenge being to put together twelve hookah pipes. They opt for the latter.

Maria & Tiffany and Mika & Canaan are next at the yacht clue, while Big Easy struggles to do his rowing. Flight Time helpfully cheers him on, telling him to “do it for the ‘hood.” Really? Really? Did he really just say that on national television? Am I really watching this person say that on national television? Am I actually of sound state and mind? Am I…okay I’ll stop.

Big Easy does miraculously make it to the yacht and get the watch as Dan begins paddling. Simultaneously, Brian & Ericka select the Gold challenge and get into trouble due to the math involved. I can’t make fun of them there; it’s a miracle I passed algebra and precalc in high school.

Sam figures out the briefcase and takes off with Dan, and Tiffany and Maria aren’t far behind. Canaan heads for the yacht and here’s where perhaps the most entertaining moment this season occurs: watching Big Easy struggle again and again and again and again to open the briefcase, either because he can’t tell time or because he’s a complete imbecile. I’m still not sure which, although the former is probably symptomatic of the latter. Seriously, the watch reads 8:35…is it that much of a leap to posit that the 3 digit combination for the lock is…835?

These guys have dominated the race almost the entire time, and they not only lose their lead but fall all the way to last place because it takes them fifteen years to read a watch. I’m definitely not a member of Mensa, but man watching them struggle with this sure made me feel like a genius. That made having to watch this episode almost worth it.

Meghan and Cheyne figure out the glass challenge and move on to the next leg of the race, which involves going to a waterpark and sliding down a six-story water slide. That’s a challenge? Seriously? Just you wait. They go down the slide and finish the race first. Their prize: personal watercrafts for both of them. Lucky bastards. Miraculously, Flight Time and Big Easy finally get the briefcase open and make it to the next challenge. They start with the glass challenge but switch over to gold after they see how long it took Brian & Ericka to finish.

The race winnows down to Mika and Canaan and Flight Time and Big Easy. And here’s where I wanted to smash myself in the skull with my cast-iron frying pan just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming or clinically insane (okay, to be fair, I still haven’t disproved the latter). Mika starts screaming and whining like a possessed banshee about how scared she is to go down a water slide. She sits there at the top of the slide, screaming and screaming and screaming and crying and crying and crying about how scared she is. Canaan tries to be sympathetic at first…more sympathetic than I would have been. But as Flight Time and Big Easy start closing in, he loses it and calls her a moron, which she definitely is. Honestly…why would you try out for The Amazing Race if you’re a petrified nimrod about heights? It’s called The Amazing Race…meaning you will be asked to do amazing or significant feats. What did she think the race would involve? Playing Candyland?

Big Easy and Flight Time arrive at the top of the slide and immediately show their true colors. As Canaan tries to encourage Mika and get her to go down the slide, our Harlem Globetrotter geniuses start yelling at Mika to not listen to Canaan and to not go down the slide because it’s dangerous. They go out of their way to convince her not to go down the slide and thereby forfeit the race. I know they had an intense desire to reclaim their spot and survive the race, and who wouldn’t…but I just found their behavior to be really sleazy and really distasteful. Any amount of sympathy or appeal I felt for them is completely gone now. I hope they get their asses kicked and live out the rest of their days with their tails between their legs.

And that’s it. Mika costs Canaan a million dollars because she couldn’t go down a slide. I think that sentence says it all, but let me repeat it for emphasis: Mika loses a million dollars because she can’t go down a slide. What more is there to say?

Season 15, Episode 5: Do It for the Hood!  Do It for the Suburbs! (originally aired October 25, 2009)

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS

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