America’s Next Top Model: Let’s Go Surfing

Hey, remember when ANTM was innocent fun? It was only just a few weeks ago. Now people everywhere are taking offense, learning disabilities are used for comedy and suspense, and the girls won’t stop screaming. Really. I can’t take much more fake enthusiasm out of so called “adults.” I used to like these short girls and their big dreams, but they’ve devolved into average contestants now, and I can’t wait to say goodbye to them.

And after tonight, we’ve only got two more episodes to go before the finale! Aiyeeeee!!!

But first! Let’s get through this drama-filled episode. This week’s showdown: Brittany versus Erin! Brittany thinks Erin’s a big ol’ baby, and Erin thinks Brittany is a big ol’ shrew. And ne’er the twain shall meet. There’s lots of foul play editing here, because later, when (spoiler alert!) Erin wins the challenge and chooses Brittany to share the prize, Brittany concedes that she was a spoiled baby once too, so she lets a lot of it go – except that she doesn’t say it in an “Oops, I probably shouldn’t have been so catty” kind of way. And if Erin really hated Brittany, she probably wouldn’t have picked her for the prize.

So – imagine lots of mean interviews from Brittany and Erin about each other sprinkled throughout the episode. When the girls arrive home from judging, Tyra’s Haz-mat team fumigates the model house because there’s ants in the bathroom and dirty dishes in the sink. After a lesson in How to Clean Up After Yourself, Tyra surprises the girls with a trip to … Hawaii! No exotic, foreign location for these short girls! Cue the screaming! Which has been almost non-stop since the girls noticed something afoot at their digs. I muted my television until they reached Hawaii.

There’s a new house (scream!) and then it’s off to the beach for surfing lessons (scream!). Because balance and body awareness also relates to modeling, in case you were wondering. After the teach, Jay springs the challenge: the girls will take a photo while riding their surfboard. They have one chance to hit a wave and take a good photo. They all do surprisingly well – I’m basing this on the fact that they all stood up on the surfboard and posed, however awkwardly. Except for Sundai, who had her back to the photographer.

The Brittany/Erin rivalry continues (never started?). Jay likes them both, but he chooses Erin for the win. As her prize, she receives a helicopter tour of their Hawaiian island. She picks Nicole and Brittany to join her. Then comes Brittany’s snark-less interview about how annoying Erin is, but she’s been there so she can relate, which really makes me think all the antagonism this week is contrived. Erin, meanwhile, thinks she was jilted with her prize, because who cares about mountains? They’re just big rock formations, one after the other. It’s not like she won jewelry or a gift card or anything. Nature? Beauty? You can’t fool this fake blonde, Tyra!

Predictably (and rightfully so), come interviews from Sundai and Jennifer calling Erin a spoiled brat. Which saves me from having to say any more about Erin. Regarding this, at least. Much is made of Erin’s age (18) and immaturity. Also, guess who doesn’t react well to sunlight, even with SPF 80? Kentucky! Her skin is painfully red – I feel awful for her not because she’s my favorite (Me? Favoritism?), but because I’ve been stupid enough to burn myself that way and I understand the pain she’ll suffer later. Jay pointed out during the shoot how red she was turning … but you know, skin care’s just a minor modeling issue. Take a good photo!

Speaking of … on to the shoot! Out in the sugar canes, the girls meet Jay and Ms. Tyra. That’s right, she’s back to play photographer. While I think it’s a good sign that Tyra’s taking such an interest this year, I’m so so so tired of her.  And that was before we learn about…

The theme for this week’s shoot is Hapa, referring to Hawaii’s tradition of mixed heritages. Each girl will represent two different and distinct nationalities, with the help of hair and make-up. This means some girls, as required, will have their skin painted an entirely different color. The clothes will help make up the difference.

There’s been some buzz on the ‘net about whether this constitutes an issue of blackface. Some folks seem quick to point fingers. For my part, I’ll say that while I don’t believe Tyra meant any disrespect – no nationality is ridiculed here – I do think there were better fashion and educational opportunities in this photo shoot; the make-up was tasteful but the fashion choices were stereotypical. Tyra claims that these aren’t necessarily outfits worn by people of these nationalities today … or ever … they are “fashion interpretations.”  Bold colors do not fashion interpretations make, girl. A clichéd Native American headdress ain’t fashion – it’s reinforcing stereotypes. Also, none of the girls have any idea what Tyra’s talking about when she says, “Model like Tibet,” and “Show me East Indian.”  This isn’t a “Be the color blue” situation; the parameters require some knowledge of actual facts, which aren’t provided. So is black face the issue? I don’t think so. Ignorance? Absolutely.

And if it is a racial issue, I think it’s time to bring in the big guns to help put Ms. Tyra back on the right path (or at least back on the path she’s ventured too far from lately): It might be time to call Oprah.

And back to the show! Why are these reviews so serious lately? To hair, make-up, stereo-typical costumes, and then it’s off to the shoot. Jennifer (Batswana & Polynesian) is “a mess” until Jay provides inspiration, and then she nails her photo. Kentucky (Mexican & Greek) also disappoints Tyra at first, but asks for a blunt critique. Tyra tells it to her straight (“I’m not loving it”), and then Kentucky rocks it out. Erin (Tibetan & Egyptian), suddenly, finds Tyra intimidating, and can’t nail a shot. Sundai (Russian & Moroccan)  does okay. Jay likes her but I’m still not sure why she’s here.. Brittany (Native American & East Indian) finishes her shoot quickly, but without much variety in pose or creativity. Tyra calls it low energy and “catalog.” Nicole (Malagasy & Japanese) rocks Jay’s world and “turned it.”

Judging. Guest judge: Kirsty Hume, who’s ten times better than last week’s judge.

Jennifer is more National Geographic than model. She looks cool, but I’m the only one who thinks so. Kentucky, with bright, sunburned cheeks, impresses the judges, and Tyra likes that Kentucky asked for honesty and then delivered. Sundai has one look … one look! … and Ms. J’s growing tired of it. However, no one gives Erin a hard time for her one look. Am I the only one? She has the same face in every photo! Why is she still here? Erin claims to have been unnerved by Tyra the Judge, but the judges don’t buy that behind her back, though they encourage her to her face. She lacks edge and power behind the eyes. Brittany lacks energy and is too stoic; her headdress and sari overpower her. Tyra then drops the “catalog” word again. Nicole wows all of the judges, modeling head to toe, just the way Tyra taught her. And that’s what this is all about.

Over deliberation, everyone’s showing weaknesses except for Nicole, and then it’s time to line them back up. Called first: Nicole. Then Jennifer, Kentucky and Sundai. Bottom two: Erin and Brittany. And now the whole faux rivalry makes sense! The producers, instead of tackling something meaningful like blackface, stereotypes, or cultural differences, felt they needed to jazz up a boring episode with sketchy editing and fake hate, culminating in a final two they badly set up as rivals earlier in the episode. Brittany’s too analytical and formulaic, and Erin’s engaging in self-sabotage. Going home: Brittany. She takes it hard at first but has a positive weepy exit interview. My question: who’s Erin going to fight with next week?

Next week: An underwater photo shoot!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 9: Let’s Go Surfing (originally aired October 28, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Tyra Banks, and Ryan Goble