America’s Next Top Model: Petite Ninja Warriors

And then there were eight! What I like right now is that Tyra is eliminating…or should I say, Ty-minating, all of the people I don’t like, so I can’t really complain much here, though you know I will given the chance.

Which is okay, because that makes me just like all the girls on the show. It’s bitch, bitch, bitch all the time in Tyra-land. Over here, we have Nicole. She explains that she needs to make sure her personality is known. And over there is: Everybody Else! The others gossip about Nicole and her silly monotone voice, with Kara even saying, “She has the social graces of a fetus.” Classy, Kara. Which makes a fetus already better than a jealous model, in terms of social graces.

The girls visit Wilhelmina Models and Sean Patterson (which I totally wrote as Scott Peterson. Oops!). It’s go-sees time, and this cycle, the girls audition for a photo shoot, for fashion designers and runway work, jewelry designers and read for a casting director (all because, presumably, they’re too short for a lot of runway work). They break up into teams of pre-determined twos: Brittany & Kara, Nicole & Kentucky, Sundai & Rae, and Erin & Jennifer. They drive themselves around L.A. instead of yelling at cabbies who don’t speak English because this is L.A., where the traffic is just as hindering as a language barrier.

Off they go! Of note: Kara likes how competitive Brittany is and sees this as an asset when Brittany refuses to help Kentucky and Nicole. Also, Kara hates Nicole! Never forget it! Kentucky knows only one other accent, and that’s street rat. I really like Kentucky, but I hope she never tries that again. Rae can speak Minnesotan. Rae and Sundai get along well, but Rae drives like an old woman in one of the worst traffic cities in the world. As a result, they fall behind and try to squeeze in one more go-see. They arrive last back at Wilhelmina’s…fifteen minutes late. Everyone else returns on time.

As such, they incur the wrath of Scott Peterson Sean Patterson. He kicks them out to the lobby with some strong words, and then gives the punctual ladies some critiques.

Jennifer was sweet and lively, but wore too much make up, turning off her potential clients. Kentucky’s cute and fresh look couldn’t help her lack of range in the commercial. Kara, though she had a strong walk, appeared too scruffy and unsophisticated. Erin also showed a good walk, but was too timid. Nicole’s perfectly sculpted face impressed her clients, but she needed more energy in front of the camera.

The winner will receive jewelry, one piece of clothing from each designer, and a part in a commercial. The winner? Nicole! Kara dies a little inside. Later, Erin actually says, “Maybe they wanted you to win,” which is bitchier than I expected of Erin, but that’s just because we don’t see her talk much. Regardless, Nicole’s having none of that – she earned it. Kara and Sundai both complain about Nicole’s win in their interviews and to each other. Kara especially can’t understand and doesn’t “think it’s right” that Nicole won. Because petty is the new pretty ‘round these parts. Kentucky remains happy for Nicole, and Nicole is simply grateful to win after last week’s negative critique.

Photo shoot. The girls use weapons for a martial arts theme, while also being raised by wires. Shots will be taken on the ground and in the air, and then three poses will be composited together to create a fluid shot. Or something. The finished product doesn’t look great, trust me.

Nicole and Jennifer both impress Jay with their huge improvement over last week. Erin makes the wires work and looks like a magical elf. Kentucky struggles in the wires, but pulls some amazing shots. Kara loses “the grace” of the martial arts movement. Jay calls the performance weak. Brittany looked like a “floppy fish” but her coordination difficulties don’t come through in the film. Rae’s performance isn’t as strong this week, with Jay less impressed than he’s ever been with her. Jay calls Sundai “remedial modeling” and abysmal.

At home, the girls compare bruises as Sundai worries about her elimination chances because of her late arrival at go-sees.

Judging. Guest Judge: Jessica White.

Jennifer looks powerful and fantastic and nails the movements. Rae looks too pose-y and not fluid. In Erin’s photos, she looks a little Hermione this week. Weird. Her angles work well though her face shows confusion. Brittany looks sexy and works the light to her advantage. Kara looks uncomfortable and she allows it to show in her body and face. Kentucky nails her photo, with the judges calling her elegant. Though beautiful, Sundai gives the same face and pose in every photo. The judges love Nicole’s shot, and encourage her to learn vocal inflection. To be a “stronger version of [her]self.” She smiles politely.

Over deliberation, we see some questions about Rae’s model potential and Brittany’s presence. But they’re not in trouble this week, so let’s bring them back out. Called first: Nicole. Kara now eats crow. Bottom two: Kara and Sundai. Kara struggles more and more as the weeks pass, while Sundai, though strong, is stuck in the same poses and face angles. Going home: Kara. Nice! Take that, fetus-hater! Kara can’t talk to Tyra during Tyra’s mentoring moment because of the tears. She claims if she wasn’t going to win, she wouldn’t have even tried out. Well… that’s not a very good attitude. Good riddance, you!

So all that nonsense with go-sees this week…yet the results meant nothing? Why’d they bother? We should have seen more consequence for the girls who didn’t show up, and heard more about the impact of the reviews. Though I’m not a normally a fan of the go-see episodes, I expected a little more.

I don’t think we’re going to get one of those mid-season reviews where we rehash everything and are forced to watch boring, unseen footage. Which makes me happy, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Tyra pulls a fast one on me next week. But just in case, I’m behind on picking my Top 3. I think Kentucky’s going to win the whole thing, and she’ll either go up against Brittany or Jennifer. I think Nicole will round out the Top 3 but get kicked to the curb because of her Daria-esqueness.

Next week: An interview challenge, Cover Girl commercial and Erin shows emotions!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 7: Petite Ninja Warriors (originally aired October 14, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Patricia Von Ah, and Michael Desmond