America’s Next Top Model: Take My Photo, Tyra!

My Tivo’s playing all kinds of games, so I’m writing this review live. Yes, that means I usually watch ANTM twice to write up my reviews, and No, I don’t think that’s healthy.

We’re back from elimination, and Kara loves that her digital photo reminds her of how awesome she is. I’m not paraphrasing. Erin likes to see Brittany humbled by her place in the bottom two last week and Ashley will find the strength to go on without Lulu … somehow.  They might have been friends, but this is still a competition, so later, girl! Now I am paraphrasing. Meanwhile, Bianca’s proud of her Jesus-inspired progress.

The next … night? … Nigel and the Mrs. meet the girls at Wal-Mart. I refuse to acknowledge Crissy Barker as Nigel’s wife, as I still believe Nigel is single and available (for me). The girls must race thru Wal-mart in a make-up challenge, stopping at four stations to pick up shoes, clothes, and a photo of themselves, and then finish at the cosmetics department. At each station there will be fewer items than there are girls (like musical chairs, and the girls without a chair are out). The Barkers will only judge the three girls who complete all four stations.

Aaaaaaaand go! Ashley and Sundai don’t appreciate Erin’s competitive spirit, as she pulls and pushes people out of the way. Erin also completes the third leg of the race first (pull your picture out of a pile of all the girls) and throws Ashley’s photo to the floor, so Ashley ends up eliminated. As you might guess, Ashley is unhappy and incredulous. At the finish line: Erin, Bianca, and Sundai. Of the three, the Barkers choose Sundai as the winner.  She wins a $1,000 Wal-Mart gift card and her photo will appear on Wal-Mart.com. Or CoverGirl.com. I can’t rewind to check! I’m embarrassed by Sundai’s enthusiasm over her prizes. Contorted jumping up and down and screaming is not necessary.

Ashley complains in her interview about Erin’s gameplay, and Erin makes no apologies. “Races don’t have manners!” But then…Erin does apologize. In the limo on the way to the photo shoot, Sundai and Ashley complain about their bruises and Erin starts to cry, and then Ashley and Bianca pressure her into apologizing. And … I can’t believe I’m typing this, much less watching people interview about this.

At the shoot — oh my, Tyra’s wrapped herself in some silky material that Kentucky must unravel her from. The girls pretend to be amused. But guess what? Tyra is the photographer for this week’s beauty shot. Wait, why is she doing this already? She explains that many petite models make a career of only doing beauty shots. The girls will wrap their heads in scarves, and … wait for it … the girl who does the best will be chosen at the end of the shoot. Holy record books! That girl will be immune from elimination.

Kentucky doesn’t know how to work her lips until they start the wind machine, and then she blows Tyra away (pun intended). Sundai is stiff but eventually loosens up.  Jennifer looks beautiful but horny, and she wants to scream to help express herself. You know Tyra’s into the drama, so she encourages Jennifer to go for it. Brittany feels nervous after last week, but rocks it and “feels it from the inside” (per Tyra). Jay calls it her best shoot. Bianca claims that she’s ready to be soft in her photo, but she still struggles with the eyes. Rae delivers an “angelic” picture, and Rae loved it so much she could cry. Literally. Kara has one of Tyra’s favorite faces, but she disappoints on set. Erin “knows how to model,” but she lacks personality. Nicole is “genius” but has Gollum hands (per Tyra). Tyra is excited to shoot Ashley, but changes her scarf and clothes twice. Tyra wonders if the problem was the scarves/clothing or Ashley herself.

At the end, Brittany wins the best photo and immunity. No one looks pleased. Brittany’s prize also includes a photo shoot for TyraBanks.com with two male models. Tyra discovered them too, because Tyra is Amazing. In case you hadn’t heard. During the shoot, we hear Ashley talk crap about Brittany, and watch Erin interview about her jealousy. Bianca thinks she’ll be near the top and Ashley worries about all the changes during her shoot.

Judging. Guest Judge: Petite China Chow. We already know Tyra’s proud of Brittany, so … moving on. Erin looks like an alien in her photo, in a really weird (but cool) way. Tyra wishes she would have more personality with the photographer. Kara has a deadness in the eyes. Ashley doesn’t smize, and Tyra tells her she didn’t sell it on set, which is why they kept changing her clothes. Kentucky looks like a “Renaissance painting.” Bianca appears uncomfortable, and still needs to work on relaxing her face. Rae looks strong and soft at the same time. Nicole is beautiful and “wearing the fashion.” Um, duh? China Chow describes Nicole’s body angles as “Gollum,” and that’s more LOTR references in one episode of ANTM than I ever thought there’d be. Sundai looks simple, pretty, and strong. Nigel tells Jennifer this is her best shot. Tyra was “super-impressed” by Jennifer’s screaming. Er, personality.

Deliberation, and it’s time to bring them back out. Tyra announces Jennifer as the runner up to Brittany. Bottom two: Bianca and Ashley. Bianca turns hard in front of the camera, and Ashley was too difficult to shoot. Going home: Bianca. As she should, this being her third time in the bottom. Plus, we have Ashley to take over the role of House Bitch.

Bianca wishes she’d shown more vulnerability, but everything else – no regrets. Like the dishes. Who should have to do dishes while being a top model?

Next week: Benny Ninja, Lil’ Mama (what?!), the Jabbawockeez (!!!!!!!!!!!), and Las Vegas.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 13, Episode 5: Take My Photo, Tyra! (originally aired September 30, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Jordin Althaus, and Tyra Banks