Cirque du Freak – Another Vampire Movie!

Imagined conversation between Cirque du Freak director Paul Weitz and Universal executives:

Universal: Listen Paul how can we reach out to a younger audience while exploiting the same elements that we have used in other teen movies while incorporating John C. Reilly so that we may trick a few older kids into thinking we might have legitimately funny scenes throughout the movie or easing the pain on quietly hesitant boyfriends being dragged to the theater by their girlfriends?

Weitz: Wow guys, I don’t know.  That’s a pretty tall order.  What’s out there that everyone is irrationally interested in seeing despite questionable acting and gushy teen romances and can be easily transformed into a kid movie?

***Moment of Thought***

Universal Execs and Weitz: (In Unison as if a moment of clarity had just overtaken the group) Vampire Movie!

In a time where the likes of Twilight and True Blood are becoming more and more popular with every little shade whiter that Robert Pattinson becomes and every square inch of skin that Anna Paquin shows, what more do we need than another vampire movie?

It seemed obvious to me that movie executives involved with Cirque du Freak were trying to take advantage of the vampire craze our society currently seems fixated over in order to reach a younger generation.  Seriously everyone, I’m pretty sure we can expect this one is going to be milked until the very last drop runs dry.  We can only hope that the government quickly realizes the environmental damage that is occurring due to Pattinson’s abuse of hairspray, ultimately putting an end any teenage faith in vampire based romances.  Despite the valiant efforts by the folks behind the movie magic, Cirque du Freak could have just as easily been made into a Disney Channel Original and it would have been just as fine with me. (I guess John C. Reilly’s occasional funny joke – the only thing making the movie PG-13 and somewhat bearable – would have had to be cut)

From the onset of the film, we can pick up on the not so subtle hints of overbearing parents and the high school pressures that are felt by Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia).  Darren’s parents bark out their expectations for what Darren’s life should be “College, Job, Family … College, Job, Family” (They are clearly not understanding of the hiring freezes caused by our economic crisis – Good luck with number two buddy). To top things off, Darren’s parents disapprove of his best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson) causing a delicate and gradual rift between the teen bromance.

Thankfully it’s not all vampires and love stories in the cirque.  The decreased emphasis on romance makes it a little easier to hold back complete disdain for the abuse of a lasting theme loved by generation of teen girl after generation of teen girl.  The movie, instead, focuses on the struggle between two vampire factions and the impending apocalyptically enabled world take over by Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris).  As if puberty wasn’t an awkward enough time in a boy’s life, Darren is turned into a vampire by Larten Crepsley (Reilly) in order to save his friend Steve after he is denied vampire status and subsequently bitten by a poisonous spider.  Eventually, after about an hour of humdrum plot development, the movie culminates in a real letdown of a showdown between Steve and Darren– only to leave us with the opportunity for a sequel!

Not all was completely forgettable in Cirque du Freak however.  For one, the gorgeous Salma Hayek is always a pleasant viewing for a couple of obvious reasons (because her acting is great and her accent is somehow entertaining by itself – obviously).  Secondly, a surprising (at least for me) supporting role by Patrick Fugit, the kid from Almost Famous, as Ezra the Snake Boy.  Come on casting directors, how has the kid from one of the classic movies of the 21^st century been reduced to playing Ezra the Snake Boy?  Someone find this kid a decent role please…

Despite my inability to convince myself that it was worth it to go see this film in theatres post-matinee pricing, I was able to take solace in one small detail courtesy of Mr. Crepsley.  Something I think many of us have wondered for the longest time while watching people take bites to the neck and being turned into vampires.  As Darren prepares to be bitten, Crepsley gives a roll of the eyes, clearly frustrated with the stereotypical procedure.  “I’m not going to bite into your jugular, which would clearly kill you”.  Exchanging blood from the hand is all it took to change Darren into a vampire – maybe being bitten in the neck is why Rob Pattinson is always looking so depressed.  Someone tell the guy he’s doing it wrong…