The Amazing Race: “Why Do You Hate Me Right Now?” “Because You’re Being A Moron!”

Oh boy was this a ridiculous episode. A ridiculous episode of a ridiculous reality television show showcasing truly ridiculous people. I would think it impossible to watch the people on this show and then not feel better about your life afterward.

We open in Dubai, and Meghan and Cheyne get the fun train started. They are first to have to complete the Roadblock challenge. They have to row a boat (you know some idiot is going to start singing the song as they do it and the cameras will make sure to capture all of it) a small distance to a yacht where they are given a watch set to 8:35. They then have to use those numbers as the combination to open a number lock on a briefcase that contains their next clue. Of course, this requires that one be able to tell time, and this perplexing feat proves more difficult for some.

Cheyne makes it back from the yacht with the watch as Brian & Ericka (you know…the interracial couple!) and the Globetrotters are just getting started. Cheyne and Meghan figure out the code pretty fast and head for the next clue. Brian starts rowing as Sam & Dan arrive. Meanwhile, a cabbie takes Flight Time and Big Easy (coincidentally, I’m changing my name to Big Time to pay homage to these fellas and the positive effect they’ve had on me) to the wrong yacht club. Bless that man.

Brian gets his briefcase open while Matt watches his father Gary make a fool out of himself trying to row a boat. I don’t quite understand what’s so hard about rowing a boat, but a quadriplegic coma patient could have rowed better than Gary.

In first place, Meghan & Cheyne are presented with the next challenge, this week’s Detour. Teams pick between Gold and Glass, the gold challenge being to measure out exactly $500,000 in gold on a scale, the glass challenge being to put together twelve hookah pipes. They opt for the latter.

Maria & Tiffany and Mika & Canaan are next at the yacht clue, while Big Easy struggles to do his rowing. Flight Time helpfully cheers him on, telling him to “do it for the ‘hood.” Really? Really? Did he really just say that on national television? Am I really watching this person say that on national television? Am I actually of sound state and mind? Am I…okay I’ll stop.

Big Easy does miraculously make it to the yacht and get the watch as Dan begins paddling. Simultaneously, Brian & Ericka select the Gold challenge and get into trouble due to the math involved. I can’t make fun of them there; it’s a miracle I passed algebra and precalc in high school.

Sam figures out the briefcase and takes off with Dan, and Tiffany and Maria aren’t far behind. Canaan heads for the yacht and here’s where perhaps the most entertaining moment this season occurs: watching Big Easy struggle again and again and again and again to open the briefcase, either because he can’t tell time or because he’s a complete imbecile. I’m still not sure which, although the former is probably symptomatic of the latter. Seriously, the watch reads 8:35…is it that much of a leap to posit that the 3 digit combination for the lock is…835?

These guys have dominated the race almost the entire time, and they not only lose their lead but fall all the way to last place because it takes them fifteen years to read a watch. I’m definitely not a member of Mensa, but man watching them struggle with this sure made me feel like a genius. That made having to watch this episode almost worth it.

Meghan and Cheyne figure out the glass challenge and move on to the next leg of the race, which involves going to a waterpark and sliding down a six-story water slide. That’s a challenge? Seriously? Just you wait. They go down the slide and finish the race first. Their prize: personal watercrafts for both of them. Lucky bastards. Miraculously, Flight Time and Big Easy finally get the briefcase open and make it to the next challenge. They start with the glass challenge but switch over to gold after they see how long it took Brian & Ericka to finish.

The race winnows down to Mika and Canaan and Flight Time and Big Easy. And here’s where I wanted to smash myself in the skull with my cast-iron frying pan just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming or clinically insane (okay, to be fair, I still haven’t disproved the latter). Mika starts screaming and whining like a possessed banshee about how scared she is to go down a water slide. She sits there at the top of the slide, screaming and screaming and screaming and crying and crying and crying about how scared she is. Canaan tries to be sympathetic at first…more sympathetic than I would have been. But as Flight Time and Big Easy start closing in, he loses it and calls her a moron, which she definitely is. Honestly…why would you try out for The Amazing Race if you’re a petrified nimrod about heights? It’s called The Amazing Race…meaning you will be asked to do amazing or significant feats. What did she think the race would involve? Playing Candyland?

Big Easy and Flight Time arrive at the top of the slide and immediately show their true colors. As Canaan tries to encourage Mika and get her to go down the slide, our Harlem Globetrotter geniuses start yelling at Mika to not listen to Canaan and to not go down the slide because it’s dangerous. They go out of their way to convince her not to go down the slide and thereby forfeit the race. I know they had an intense desire to reclaim their spot and survive the race, and who wouldn’t…but I just found their behavior to be really sleazy and really distasteful. Any amount of sympathy or appeal I felt for them is completely gone now. I hope they get their asses kicked and live out the rest of their days with their tails between their legs.

And that’s it. Mika costs Canaan a million dollars because she couldn’t go down a slide. I think that sentence says it all, but let me repeat it for emphasis: Mika loses a million dollars because she can’t go down a slide. What more is there to say?

Season 15, Episode 5: Do It for the Hood!  Do It for the Suburbs! (originally aired October 25, 2009)

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS