Top Chef: Restaurant Wars or … Why I Never Liked Family Feud

This season of Top Chef is turning into Flash Forward: the best parts are the beginning and the end. By the beginning, I mean the Quickfire, and by the end, I mean the part where they say who’s won and who’s lost. Everything in between disappoints right now. The elimination of the less talented chefs is dragging this season out – we know who the top five chefs are, and now we’re just going through the motions until we whittle this competition down.

So let’s go through the motions together! Pre-Quickfire chatter: People still dislike Robin, and everyone misses Ash. Aw. Kevin reveals that the Voltaggio brothers argue all the time.

Quickfire. Guest judge: Rick Moonen. The chefs break into teams of four for a high stakes Quickfire worth $10,000 to split amongst the winners – which seems kind of cheap, doesn’t it? Wait for it. After drawing knives, Jennifer and Mike V. end up team captains. The teams will create one cohesive dish, with each chef working for only 10 minutes when their turn comes up. There’s blindfolds and no one knows what the person before them is doing and so on – it started off kind of exciting and then drags on too long.

Mike V.’s team consists of himself, brother Bryan, Robin and Eli, leaving Jennifer with Mike I., Kevin and Laurine. Though Moonen likes both final dishes, he chooses Jennifer’s team as the ultimate winners. They have the option to take the $10,000 to split immediately, or to let it ride. If they win the elimination challenge, they will win $10,000 each (that explains the cheap high stakes Quickfire). They let it ride.

Because tonight, it’s … Restaurant Wars! The teams remain the same as they take over Moonen’s two story restaurant with its dual kitchen. Mike V.’s team (Team Revolt) deals with Mike’s propensity for being a bossy dick, while Jennifer’s team (Team Mission – yeah, I know) suffers from the decision to nix dessert and to cook too many complicated dishes.

Eli and Robin put aside their differences while everyone on Mission seems to think that Laurine is an asset. I don’t get it. She offers to run front of the house since she’s comfortable there and has experience. This season, the person who runs front of house is also responsible for one dish, and in Laurine’s instance, Kevin cooks her lamb dish. Which seems like a slam dunk because it’s Kevin, but turns out: not so much.

During service, Mission struggles with timing and front of the house issues: Laurine isn’t firing the dishes in a timely manner, so many people are left waiting too long between courses. She’s late producing the judges’ meals and fails to give a proper explanation of the food, appearing tableside only when summoned. The judges don’t love the lack of dessert, and find fault with every dish on the menu. Laurine’s lamb dish seems to take the most abuse for being severely undercooked, which falls to Kevin. However, Laurine also didn’t insist that he cook them properly, so she takes part of the blame.

Downstairs at Revolt, the judges mock the name of the restaurant and mock Eli, but otherwise enjoy nearly everything they eat. Even the bland, ordinary dish (Eli) fares far better than anything produced at Mission.

Though Mission encounters difficulty communicating with Laurine, the real backstage drama goes on at Revolt. Mike V. orders his team around, curses at his brother, and generally turns into a dick. Absolute power, my friend. Understandably, he doesn’t trust Robin with her own dish, feeling that she’s out of her league now, but he crosses the line in trying to make it for her. She takes offense and snaps and curses at him, he in turn yells at her for cursing, and Bryan finally steps in to split them up. Now, Bryan can be an ass, but I’m beginning to think he had no choice with a brother like Mike.

As proof, the editors provide us with a brief montage of Mike V. talking about how humble and kind he is, and that arrogance doesn’t belong in the kitchen. Meanwhile, snapshots of Mike V. being that exact kind of jerk he claims to despise show up on screen. In a boring episode, that was definitely a highlight.

Judges’ Table.  Revolt wins, surprising no one, least of all Mission. The judges note that Eli’s dish was the least win-worthy, though still delicious, then hand out a series of compliments to everyone, including Robin. Mike V. seems to try to take credit for Robin’s dish – she politely calls him dominating. Eventually, Moonen declares Mike V. the winner. He wins the $10,000 from the Quickfire that Mission gambled away. He offers to split it amongst his team.

As Mission heads in to face the judges, further controversy in the Stew Room develops as Bryan claims he doesn’t want Mike V.’s money. Mike won, therefore he deserves it. Mike V. takes the opportunity to needle his brother some more. Bryan comments that he’s tired of watching his brother be rewarded for being unprofessional.

I think this is part of why I’m bored. If I wanted to see siblings fight, I’d call home and lie to my brother about something my other brother never said, then “let it ride,” if you will, to see what develops. I don’t need this here, especially because watching these two argue is boring and predictable. Mike’s a jerk and Bryan’s uptight. End of story, already!

To the losers! Everyone on Mission knows they did wrong and do a better job of explaining why than the judges. Specifically, it seems to come down to Jennifer’s awful food and decision-making, and Laurine’s poor front of house and poor direction of Kevin. The team ultimately failed because no one stepped up as leader. The judges deliberate and rehash all the same comments, which leads us, finally, to Padma saying: “Laurine. Please pack your knives and go.”

In her exit interview, Laurine remains optimistic despite the difficult loss. She will genuinely miss everyone, but I’m not sure we’ll remember her next week. After Robin leaves (hopefully next week), it will really come down to the best chefs in the entire competition. And then this should finally get good.

Next week: Mike I. has the creepy hots for Natalie Portman, and someone’s making disgusting food!

For another take on this episode, check out Ready, Set, Restaurant Wars! by Nicole C.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 9: Restaurant Wars (originally aired October 21, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Trae Patton