Top Chef: The Dude Who Did Really Poorly on Top Chef

This episode of Top Chef is brought to you by the letters P and T – for Palmer, Pigs, Pinot, Pairings, and Tension!

But first! Pre-Quickfire chatter: Mike V. compares himself to Babe Ruth. Because, you know, even the Babe had some down days, and Mike V.’s just as legendary. I mean, obviously. Eli, 25, lives at home and doesn’t mind the stigma. Free rent! That’s a man for you. Just kidding, male readers!

Quickfire. Padma wears a questionable white belt and just as questionable white boots. Hey, I’m qualified! Guest chef: Charlie Palmer. Mike V. and Bryan have both worked with Palmer, Mike for one year, Bryan for ten. Palmer assures everyone that he will remain impartial. The challenge: create a dish incorporating Alexia’s Crunchy Snacks, with an emphasis on “pairing.”

Palmer is Bryan’s biggest influence, but he makes Mike V. nervous. Bryan thinks it’s funny that Mike believes that Palmer doesn’t like him; so funny that Bryan doesn’t even smile. Bryan’s killing me, especially after last week’s snap at Kevin. Kevin’s the nicest guy ever! Jennifer’s nervous and doesn’t want to embarrass herself, and Eli starts in on all of his pairing genius, explaining the complications of pairing: the food or drinks should complement or match perfectly, while a bad pairing is something off the charts crazy, like steak and marshmallows. Why do steak and marshmallows sound awesome together??? I want to try it! Eli feels comfortable because some of the chefs seem to have no idea how to pair food. Ash claims that he’s been influenced by too many people in the past, and from this point onward, he is going to focus and cook his kind of food: “Clean, Simple, Awesome.” Ash, by the way, is getting lots of interview time. This doesn’t bode well for his future.

Palmer’s least favorites: Jennifer (guess she was right to be nervous), Robin, and Ash. His top picks are Bryan, Kevin, and Eli. The winner is… Eli! Guess who thinks he’s the pairing shit now?

Elimination Challenge. Each chef cooks a different part of pig to pair with pinot noir for Palmer’s Pigs & Pinot charity event. They must prepare 150 tastings. Kevin loves the challenge and he loves pork. I mean, loves. He has a tattoo of a pig. I’d like further explanation of that, but alas, we’re all left feeling that Kevin is a little freaky-deak.

After a quick lesson in various pinots and pairings where the chefs pick the wine they’ll use, there’s shopping at Whole Foods and then off to home for dinner. Kevin, possibly the calmest person on the show, explains that he tries to see the best in people and make friends, but Robin is driving everyone up a wall. From the bits we see, she really does talk endlessly. Lots of yammering that seems mostly nonsense. She recognizes that she may not be popular because others feel she should have gone home much earlier. She and Eli especially butt heads, with “I shouldn’t have to clean up after you, Eli,” and “You’re not my mother, Robin, so knock it off!” It’s all very Real World/Road Rules drama without all the drunken fighting, but with weird “I’m 25, live with my parents, and resent mother figures” vibes.  It appears to be Robin versus everyone else since her almost compulsive jabbering alienates her from the others.

The next day, we’re back at the kitchen. Ash, worried about overcooking his tenderloin, takes the advice of Mike I. to make a chilled tenderloin. Because we’re hearing about this, we know immediately that Ash will be eliminated. Never listen to anybody else, Carla! Go with your gut! Sigh. I liked you, Ash, but you really just let me down.

Eli prattles on endlessly about how amazing he is at pairings. He has so much air time, in fact, that I can’t help but think that he’s either winning or eliminated. Kevin says that he’s such a pork guy, he’d consider it an embarrassment if he loses. Laurine has never cooked rillette before but has made rabbit, so … That just doesn’t seem like a safe choice at this point in the competition. However, she thinks she’ll be fine.

Bryan and Mike V. barely disguise their competitiveness with each other. Mike says he takes risks faster than Bryan does because Mike traveled while Bryan stayed mostly in one place. They argue angrily over saran wrap. Kevin interviews that Mike likes to manipulate his brother, to get in Bryan’s head. I don’t know, but I’m over the two Tony Hawk brothers.

Service. Toby Young fills in for Gail again, and Dana Cowin also joins the judging. The judges and guests love Mike V.’s root beer braised pork, and Palmer notes how well it pairs with the wine. On that note, I’m happy to see that the judges follow through on the pairing requirement. The wine aspect seems especially important to Palmer. Ash’s chilled tenderloin is clammy, overcooked and over-salted. Eli thinks he has a winning dish in his braised pork belly, and though the judges enjoy his dish, Palmer dooms his chances at a win by stating that it doesn’t pair well with the wine. That should disappoint Eli, but I’m happy. Kevin’s pork leg pate is smart, well-planned, and pairs well. Mike I.’s pork shoulder loses points for an overwhelming orange flavor. Bryan picks up all the flavors in his braised pork spare rib that match his wine. Jennifer’s braised pork belly redeems her with Palmer – a “delicious” dish that pairs well with the wine. Laurine’s pork butt rillettes are “not a party in [the] mouth” of the guests, and is compared to cat food. A coffee flavoring overpowers Robin’s brined center cut pork chop, and a slimy texture ensures her place in the bottom three.

Judging. Best dishes belong to Jennifer, Kevin, Bryan and Mike V. Toby compares Jennifer’s dish and European pinot to “ the difference between a shaved armpit and a hairy armpit,” but in a good way. Still, colorful similes aside, Kevin walks away with the win and a spot in next year’s Pig and Pinot event. He shows off his pig tattoo, and the judges laugh, even though they have to be all, “What the what?”

In Loserville, Ash, Laurine, and Robin step out for their critiques. Robin stands by her dish, but the judges had issues with the texture. Again, Ash doesn’t understand why he’s in the bottom three, and he couldn’t dig his grave any deeper. He explains his original dish idea which Palmer loves, and Colicchio points out that this seems to be Ash’s thing – he lacks confidence in his ideas and changes his mind too much. Laurine’s dish failed simply because she didn’t know how to make the dish that she served, and therefore, ended up with inedible food. Back in the Stew Room, Ash reveals that he’s not a huge fan of Padma.

Deliberation means more of the same, so line them back up, and Ash’s one dimensional meal sends his ass home. It’s a shame, because I did like Ash a lot, at least personality-wise. He never seemed to come through on the creative end of it, and seemed no match for the stronger competitors. He takes the news with a generally positive attitude, in typical Ash style. However, he may not be inviting Padma to his restaurant for a more refined version of tonight’s dish. But he’ll invite Toby Young. Ouch.

Yes, this was slightly better than last week’s episode. Or maybe I’ve just had more sleep so it doesn’t seem as bad. But the next episode should be fun, because…

Next week: Restaurant Wars!

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 8: Pigs & Pinot (originally aired October 14, 2009)

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Photographs courtesy of  IMDBpro