Top Chef: Whatever, Whatever

This episode is called “Meat Natalie.” Which sounds a little dirty, if you think about it.

But let’s save it for service, because I’m not the only one who’s a fan of That’s What She Said. This week, the editors nicely give nearly everyone some interview face time to throw us off the scent of the eliminated chef, but eventually, they can’t help themselves and the hints get bigger. And I am surprisingly sad to see this chef go.

But first! Pre-Quickfire chatter: Jennifer’s down on herself for last week’s loss in Restaurant Wars. As you should be! Kevin and Jennifer producing poor dishes? Nonsense! Robin, meanwhile, thinks she solidified her right to still be here. This woman’s crazy.

Quickfire. Guest judge: Paul Bartolotta. The chefs must re-imagine a gourmet version of the TV dinner and draw knives to determine which show will inspire their meal. Mike I. claims to never have seen a single episode of Seinfeld, which is ludicrous. Yes, there is something wrong with that. I’m not even a Seinfeld fan, for crying out loud. Robin claims ignorance about Sesame Street. Eli doesn’t “get” Gilligan’s Island because it was before his time. Come on now! Can the people who appear on television really not be television fans? My heart breaks a little. Jennifer compares herself to Pebbles on The Flintstones but doesn’t explain why. Interesting. I would have guessed Fred: all bark and no bite. Anyway, she commits a few more errors and incorrectly cooks her food. Once again, she’s not happy.

Paul doesn’t believe that Mike I. has never seen Seinfeld. Also, his least favorites: Jennifer and Robin. Oh, Jennifer. You were the only woman with any hope of (rightfully) making it to the final. Paul’s top two are Bryan and Kevin, with Kevin receiving the immunity-less win.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will take over craftsteak for one night to serve a party of eleven people. It’s not until after the chefs raid craft’s meat locker the next day that Colicchio introduces the guest of honor and guest judge, Natalie Portman. And oh wait, I know we’re cooking in a steakhouse, but guess what? Natalie’s a vegetarian! Oh, if only we hadn’t seen this just a few months ago with someone just as petite but a little more quirky. Still, I like Ms. Portman (as does Mike I., if that grin is any indication). Like Eli, I immediately think of her role in Star Wars (“Which is the only important thing you can do.”) because I had to watch Episode II recently with my niece and nephew. That was painful. At any rate, the chefs all groan and rework their dishes. Kevin, Robin and Mike I. don’t worry as they’re all comfortable cooking vegetarian. Mike I. in particular has over twenty vegetarian dishes on his personal menu.

And then come the mistakes! Robin prepares a brand new dish, believing that all the components are good, so it’ll just come together. Because that’s how things work here. Mike I. undercooks his leeks because Colicchio’s pans are lopsided and the water doesn’t boil. Still, he says “gold medals are lost in the last six minutes when people change their minds.” That’s actually a great quote, and I’m surprised I agree since it’s coming from Mike I. Bryan stumbles for the first time ever as he loses track of time and puts out sloppy, incomplete dishes. He’s not proud of his work.

Jennifer and Eli both want eggplant, and after a toss of some vegetables (coins not being readily available in a kitchen) Eli wins the eggplant filets and Jennifer winds up with baby eggplants. She realizes she should change her idea, but incorrectly decides to stick with it. You get the impression she really doesn’t want to think much more. Meanwhile, Eli wants to break out of the middle of the pack and win for a change, because maturity is underrated. His words, not mine.

For those doing well, Kevin makes a dish he’s made before, as he and his wife regularly give up meat for Lent. No dirty jokes here, kids! His goal is to make the dish feel as though it’s not missing a meat component.

Service. Gail is back! Robin’s dish, though beautiful in presentation, suffers from a salt issue. Also, she runs out of time during plating and misses the chance to add garbanzo beans to all the plates. Naturally, Colicchio receives one of those plates. Eli warns the other chefs about Natalie’s hot friends; the diners seem to enjoy his dish, despite too much lavender. All of the diners love Mike V.’s dish, with one of the them calling him Picasso. The dish makes Natalie smile and laugh, and confuses her. Which, literally, is the reaction he’s going for, so … maybe he is Picasso. Suddenly, Jennifer’s nervous – she decides to sauce the dishes tableside and she ends up spilling half of it because her hands are shaking so much. Oh lord. Though the diners enjoy her food (if not the spilling of the sauce), her meal isn’t substantial and feels more like a collection of side dishes. Bryan’s dish contains just a little too much garlic: Padma says, “It’s like a little prick in your mouth,” and right on cue, Natalie laughs and says, “Don’t say that!”  The conversation devolves from there, in a very funny way that makes me feel justified for my Michael Scott moments. Kevin’s dish is basically only kale, turnips and mushrooms, but the diners enjoy it as a fulfilling meal, not just as a collection of vegetables.

Judges’ Table. Padma summons Kevin, Mike V., and Eli. Despite the more obvious love of Mike V.’s dish, Kevin wins the challenge along with a full suite of GE products. Mike V. is pissed, as he feels Kevin’s dish could have been pulled together in twenty minutes in his second year of apprenticeship. Kevin, meanwhile, is proud of the win. This should make for an interesting finale, right? Oh come on, we all know these two will be there.

Bring out the losers: Mike I., Jennifer and Robin. Mike I. takes some heat for not including a protein, such an important component for a vegetarian. The undercooked leek comes back to haunt him, as does his “whatever, whatever” vegetables. He doesn’t seem to think it was that bad. Robin talks circles for a few minutes before Colicchio correctly interprets her rambling as an idea that never found cohesion. Jennifer accepts defeat from the word go, all but giving her farewell interview.

Over deliberation, the judges discuss Jennifer’s defeatist attitude (burnout!), and Mike’s arrogance. Here’s where I miss Gail the most – she is more offended by Mike’s attitude rather than his food.

Call them back out, and Mike goes home! There were hints throughout the episode, but I still thought we’d say good-bye to Robin this week. Or rather, I hoped. So did everyone else, based on their reactions when Mike I. walks back into the Stew Room. While I’m happy that I can drop the initials from the Mikes’ name now, I still find myself a little disappointed that Mike I. is leaving. He’s obnoxious and sexist, but I guess I actually enjoyed watching him more than I do Robin and Eli. Who knew? (I bet he thinks he did.)

Though I found this episode and its vegetarian twist more enjoyable than I’ve found the last few episodes, TC loses ten points for rehashing the challenge from just a few months ago in the Masters series. I don’t mind the Masters coming to judge (Moonen, Keller) but it’s a little too soon to steal ideas.

Next week: Padma in bed, and someone gambles and loses!

For another take on this episode, check out Pricking On by Nicole Cukingnan.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 10: Meat Natalie (originally aired October 28, 2009)

For more on Top Chef, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of  NBC Universal and Trae Patton