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Kill Me: Watching Amazingly Stupid People Do Amazingly Stupid Things on The Amazing Race

theamazingraceSomehow the showrunners of The Amazing Race managed to corral the most incredibly pathetic, stupid and obnoxious people in the country and got them to make idiots of themselves on national television. That’s a feat more noteworthy than anything that happens on the show. Seriously, the whole time I was slogging through this episode I was thinking to myself, “How can creatures this worthless and stupid really exist?” Dear sweet Jesus.

As we begin, the teams must fly from Dubai to Amsterdam and find a monument on the Afsluitdijk. Because the first flight doesn’t leave until midnight, all the teams end up at the airport together, waiting for the plane, giving us a wonderful, fantastic, phenomenally exciting opportunity to hear them waste oxygen. Gee, I’m sure that was a completely coincidental occurrence; no way was it planned for all the teams to get this chance.

And gee! After hearing the Globetrotting Twits regale everyone with the tale of Mika choking on the water slide last week, Sam and Dan quiet everyone down so they can make an important announcement: they’re gay! You don’t say! Hey guys, thanks so much for sharing that with everyone, because it was clearly so important to the race and the show! I hate people that feel the need to share every useless detail of their lives. Is this a show about sexual preferences? No. It’s a dumb show where morons make fools of themselves and damage America’s reputation overseas (because that clearly needs to be done some more). Just shut up and race the race.

Now in Amsterdam, the teams are given luxury sedans for the drive on the Afsluitdijk. But Brian…you know, one half of our interracial couple (wait, what kind of couple are they again? I forget), wastes about ten minutes because he can’t figure out how to start the Mercedes he’s driving. I’m not kidding. We watch him on camera freaking out because he can’t turn the key. He has to go find someone to help him start the car. He should have been disqualified from the show right then and there. He also should have turned around and punched his nagging wife in the face. (Actually, it’s later in the episode when he should have punched his wife in the face).

Next up, the teams have to drive to Groningen and find the town’s tallest building, the Martinitoren. And here is where that Roadblock thingy comes into play: a team member must climb to the top of the Martinitoren and count all of the bells in the building. Once they come up with the right number (62), an organist will give them their next clue. Meghan and Sam are first to arrive, and they decide to count together (I didn’t think that was allowed, but oh well). Flight Time, Matt and Tiffany each count for their teams. Brian & Ericka arrive last, thanks to Brian’s inability to start a car. Ericka takes up the challenge for them…a truly bad call on their part.

Matt gets the job done first and moves on to the next challenge. Everyone else follows fairly quickly behind him. Everyone except Ericka, who forgot to mention in her audition for The Amazing Race that she doesn’t know how to count. It takes her no less than four attempts to count the bells correctly. Four attempts. She keeps coming up to the organist and telling him her number, and this poor organist has to look at this absolute clod and keep telling her she did it wrong. She cries and has a meltdown and Brian comforts her and tells her that he’s proud of her. For what?! Personally, I think Brian should have lobbed a bowling ball at her skull.theamazingrace2

So let’s recap: in the last two episodes, we’ve seen people prove unable to go down water slides, tell time, or count. Is there any hope for humanity? I’m really asking that question, it’s not rhetorical. I would like to hear some thoughts on that.

The next challenge is a Detour, presented at a windmill in Vierhuizen De Marne. The teams have to don traditional Dutch clothing and choose between swimming across a lake and playing three holes of farmer’s golf in eight strokes or less each or ringing a bell on a high striker and learning a folk dance to perform in front of a crowd.

Let’s just cut to the chase here: Brian and Ericka, like the dolts that they are, don’t pay attention to the part of the clue that tells them they’re supposed to ride bikes to the next challenge and instead try to clop around in these big heavy shoes, wondering how it could be that they have to go so far. And Maria and Tiffany try to hit the high striker but continue to fail and fail and fail. They give up and decide to go try the golf. But they can’t do that either so they decide to go back again and try the high striker once more. After more than fifty strikes, they still can’t hit the bell. Seriously, you would not believe how pathetic they are. They’re not just giving a bad name to women, they’re giving a bad name to humanity. There is no way they could be that physically weak, they just weren’t trying hard enough. They should have lifted the mallet behind their heads and jumped and brought it down on the high striker.

But instead they choose to hug and cry and tell each other that it’s alright. They give up a second time and swim back to the golf course. But they can’t do that either, once again. So even though Brian and Ericka should have been eliminated because they were so far behind, Maria and Tiffany quit the race and are eliminated. Great job everybody. Great job all around.

Season 15, Episode 6: This is Not My Finest Hour (originally aired November 1, 2009)

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS

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