ANTM: America’s Next Top Model Is…

What’s up America? It’s time for Tyra to pick your next Top Model. And, lest you forget, this Top Model is more special than any of the others because our winner this cycle is short. Tyra’s changing the entire industry, remember?

And into the inane filler that is the finale we go. Let’s save us all some time: Kentucky grew up poor and battles the negative stigma that sometimes comes with dyslexia. Teachers called her a hopeless cause and no one thought she’d amount to anything. But now look at her! Nicole is awkward, ate her lunch in the bathroom stall so that no one could see her sitting alone, and battled stage fright and homesickness to stay in the competition. She cried after casting because she didn’t think she’d be able to do it. But now look at her!

They’re competition, but they’re friends (at least Nicole thinks so, Kentucky doesn’t share the same thoughts in her interviews) and they don’t underestimate each other’s strengths. Yet, they each believe they have what it takes to edge out the other.

You’re welcome. That nonsense took up seventy-five percent of the episode.

To the plot! Tyra Mail delivers Cover Girl scripts to memorize overnight. Cue the “dyslexics have trouble memorizing lines” reminders. The next day, the girls arrive on set to Mr. Jay in a green pea coat. It’s … disconcerting, his coat. They’ll film their commercials and take their beauty shot, photographed by none other than Nigel Barker.

Kentucky shoots her commercial first, and though she has a hard time with her lines, she eventually pulls out a successful commercial. Jay says that she didn’t allow herself to become flustered, and therefore, even if she messed up, she delivered the next line with enthusiasm, giving the editors something to work with. Go Kentucky! She’s very proud of herself and for showing that dyslexics can do anything. It’s a nice moment because you know it means the world to her. On the other side of the set, Nigel describes his shoot with Nicole, who he praises for always rocking her shoots. She performs whenever asked.

Then, things get silly. Nigel photographs Kentucky and criticizes her for not thinking about a boyfriend to help light up her eyes. Instead she thinks about milkshakes. He really believes, therefore, that she’s not giving 100%. How are milkshakes bad? Chocolate chip cookies do it for me. And – I’ve avoided saying this before now, but I’ll finally admit it – I’m starting to dislike Nigel. I mean, I’d still marry him tomorrow if he left his wife and proposed, because I could save him from himself and the web of self-indulgence that is Tyra Banks. But until then, he really needs to get over himself. A milkshake? Come on, Nigel: the milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

Meanwhile, Jay tells Nicole her delivery of the commercial lines makes her sound like a snob. In the end, she provides a good take, but they don’t show it. Translation of the silliness: the producers need to make this look like a competition, with real suspense. Uh oh, Kentucky messed up her photo! Uh oh, Nicole messed up her commercial! That’s fine, but this sets up the judges to sometimes, especially in Nigel’s case here, sound petty.

Back at the house, Ann Shoket drops by with hair and make-up and Gilles Bensimmon for the Seventeen cover photo shoot. Right there in the house. How glamorous. As usual, Shoket can’t begin to guess who will win. Later, Tyra arrives so we can hear again about the dyslexia and social outcast handicaps. Re-watching this segment, it’s surprising that neither girl realizes that Tyra talks to them like they’re four year olds. No really, watch it again. I really think Bianca or Brittany would have smacked Tyra if she’d tried that with them.

The next day, it’s the Julie Clancey fashion show. With special guests, Sundai, Erin, Brittany and Jennifer! Jay calls it a big deal to bring back eliminated contestants, but I’d guess they needed short models for the runway. The show is a play on the elements; for example, the girls walk towards a high-powered fan to represent wind and walk through sprinklers to represent water. It looks great and I applaud the concept. From where I sit on my couch, Kentucky out-walks Nicole, but there are no major fashion catastrophes. It’s really a shame that Brittany didn’t last longer, but I hope she’ll eat something now. She’s so thin!

To the panel! Tyra leads Nigel and Ms. J in the critiques. Did anyone notice that Paulina was missing? First for consideration: a history of the photo shoots. The critiques are even, with one negative photo each (Kentucky during week four and Nicole during the group challenge). In general, Nicole has a more positive portfolio. Then to the most recent commercial, and Tyra banishes Kentucky’s ghosts of dyslexias past, and Nicole comes off relatable. Both also hear negative reviews, but I think that Nicole actually had a better performance. For all the comments about her monotone, Daria voice, she definitely learned to break that habit on-screen. Even her interviews are more animated (no Daria-animation pun intended). The judges call Kentucky’s Cover Girl beauty shot “hot” and “sexy,” and Nicole’s photo “relaxed” and “confident.” Again, Nicole’s chosen photo looks better than Kentucky’s, and I tend to think there was a better photo for Kentucky in the batch. They gloss over these photos quickly, a change from seasons past.

Finally, we discuss the runway. The judges were unsurprised that Kentucky walked so well, with Tyra saying that she looked like she’s been doing this for years. Kentucky’s been practicing in the aisles of Wal-Mart for ages, so I guess so! Tyra tells Nicole that she saw her walk at the show and thought, “what the heck is this walk?” But then says Nicole’s stomping is her signature walk. What??? When has Nicole’s lack of fluidity been called anything other than an excuse for elimination? In seasons past, Ms. J has not put up with a walk like that, but here it’s okay? That’s baloney – I don’t doubt that over the course of the entire season Nicole outperformed or did as well as Kentucky, but let’s not make up complete fiction here.

Over deliberation, it’s more of the same, with the judges adding a few comments about how the girls come across live and in person. But again, I think we all know who our winner will be.

Bring the two hopefuls back out and … there can be only one … America’s Next Top Model is … Nicole! She’s shocked and subdued as only Nicole can be. Kentucky cries immediately. She wanted this very, very badly. She knows that her family, especially her grandmother, will be proud of her anyway. But even so, her heart is clearly broken. Of all the girls who I have hoped would have careers after this … I really hope Kentucky does. Tyra tells her that she’s truly beautiful inside and out. And in one of those rare moments, Tyra and I agree. Kentucky deserves to make a gajillion dollars at this modeling thing, because she is such a nice person. And nice people deserve the win sometimes.

But Nicole’s also a nice person, quirky and kooky, and she deserves a win, too. So she grins like a fool during all of the congratulations, calls herself a nerd, and immediately rushes to her photo shoot with Tyra. The funny part is watching Tyra compete with Nicole for the spotlight, because Nicole has a natural fierceness and great smize.

And that’s it! Another cycle down! We learned that short girls can be just as petty as tall girls, but short girls can get away with poor runway walks. They also really do have it harder than tall models, because they have to go through repetitive challenges and aren’t allowed to travel overseas. And don’t forget that dyslexia isn’t funny (even when ANTM thinks it is) and Blackface is offensive, even in fashion. Wow. Tyra really is changing the world. I feel smarter already.

Until next cycle …

For another take on this episode, read That’s all folks…at least until the next one by Trisha Huntsman.

Season 13, Episode 12: America’s Next Top Model Is… (originally aired November 18, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Ryan Goble