The Amazing Race: Lady Gaga playing the piano on fire was soooo much better.

Whoah.  I just finished a lackluster Amazing Race episode, changed the channel, and landed on The American Music Awards, which I haven’t watched since Flava Flav was a “surprise” guest performer with NKOTB back in. . .in. . .a frakin’ long time ago. Carrie Underwood is wrapping up a performance of that song about a no-good-down-dirty man, and I hit pause and it lands, unfortunately, on Adam Lambert in the audience and he still scares me.  But I’m curious so I look up that 2012 song, which is about the world ending, or something, which totally fits because Adam Lambert sounds like Richard Marx in it, and if Richard Marx just became the next new thing, even in spirit, the world really is ending.  Sorry, I was a Kris fan.

But on the positive side, I just watched “Should’ve Known Better.”  That song was awesome.

So, clearly leaving the AMAs on while I write this is trouble.  I apologize. But let’s face it, Lady Gaga in a lighted nude leotard lined in a bone sculpture playing a piano (of fire!) is so much better than that Don Giovanni guy.  Now I’m wondering what Lady Gaga could’ve done at the Estates Theater. Did I mention that the piano is on fire?

Perhaps the sound of Lady Gaga smashing glass against a grand piano on fire would’ve better expressed the frustration of searching for itty bitty mandolins among a 600-person theater than Meghan’s repeated “Cheyne” -ing.  Meghan’s “Cheyne” strikes me as infinitely more pleasing than Ericka’s “Brian!” or Dan’s “Sam!” but I didn’t just finish wrapping my large, lanky body upside-down around a tiny rope while pulling myself across on a ropes course.

(Woah, Jennifer Lopez is back and performing!  But after the spectacle of Gaga, this boxing theme really just doesn’t cut it.  She is back, right?  I’m not remarking on something that happened, like, 3 months ago?  As you may have figured out by the non-VH1 related Flava Flav reference, I’m post-30.)

So we started off this episode with a brief summary of the complete non-fight that happened between Herbert & Nathaniel and Sam & Dan.  They’ve talked, and it’s all good now.  So, after all that build up last week, we’ve got a completely drama free relationship.  But the show wants desperately for some good entertaining mean-spirited competition, so it decides that we’ll just have to hate Meghan this week.

First, Meghan gets the idea to lie to the other teams about what a Praga Alta refers to.  It’s a car, but they don’t get to do it because Herbert & Nathaniel figure it out as well.  But Meghan gets a second chance when she tells Herbert & Nathaniel that she and Cheyne will work with them following the above-mentioned ropes course on the way to the next task at the Estates Theater.  Which totally makes sense, cause that’s what you do when you’re near the end of a race; you help people. As Wayne and Garth would say  – NOT! (I’m just full of dated references today, aren’t I? What can I say, they’re playing Whitney Houston’s greatest hits on the AMAs right now and I’m jonesing on nostalgia for “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”) Cheyne sets her straight when they jump in a cab, leaving the Globetrotters at a bus station, that it’s a competition, sweetie – and she huffs and pouts cause she knows he’s right.  She tries to counter him by implying that now they’ll be a target of the ‘Trotters.  I’ve got two problems with this argument: 1) you never let the risk of being a target keep you from doing well and 2) if there is anyone who understands the nature of competition, it’s these guys.  While, yes, they’ve talked some trash (I’m thinking of Mika and Canaan) but really, they get over grievances pretty quickly cause it’s their day job to understand the nature of competition.  So, shut up, Meghan.

By the way, a friend of a friend lives in the same building as Meghan & Cheyne, and she says that they had a HUGE party a few months ago.  Take that for what you will.

Now, if Meghan’s devious-ness isn’t just cutting it for you, you’ve got Sam & Dan stealing Brian & Ericka’s cab at the Detour this week.  It was kinda a dick move, but totally a justified one, and totally within the rules, Brian.  You see, there’s nothing that says you can’t take a cab that someone else was using, so Brian’s whole implication that Sam & Dan weren’t playing “fair” is – what’s the word? – stupid.  Almost as silly as sending Ericka into a challenge when the clue read “who can remain composed under pressure?” Seriously, I know they’re married, but does he know her? Even Ericka was skeptical, as she should be when she ends up in the theater looking under chairs for an itty bitty (really, they were tiny) mandolin, muttering “I shouldn’t have to look under every single chair to find this.” Honey, it’s a Needle-In-A-Haystack challenge.  That’s exactly what you should have to do.

So Meghan & Cheyne are Team #1, Sam & Dan are Team #2, and Herbert & Nathaniel are Team #3.  Brian & Ericka are not eliminated, because the producers probably think that a vendetta between Sam & Dan and Brian & Ericka will be vicious enough to not make me remember how much more engaging Green Day was than the Ericka-and-Brian-take-a-bus! storyline this week.

Next week, maybe we should go to India?  Anyone got any other suggestions to beef up this season?

For another take on this episode, check out These People Need To Be Euthanized by Cameron Cubbison.

Season 15, Episode 9:  We’re Not Working With Anybody, Ever, Anymore! (originally aired November 22, 2009)

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS

Dancing With the Stars: Round 9

It’s the semi-finals and it’s time to narrow it down to the finalists.  Each couple will perform an exhausting three dances.

ROUND 1

Donny & Kym:  They are performing the Argentine Tango to a song I absolutely love: Sam Sparro’s “Black & Gold.”  It is adequate but doesn’t really resonate with me.  After the dance Donny immediately starts moaning and pouting.  Apparently Kym’s dress got caught in her heel and they completely lost it.  Carrie Ann said the dance had no drama.  Donny makes a lame joke about being thrown off by Marie’s presence.  The judges give them 7s across the board.

Joanna & Derek:  The pair will be dancing the Viennese Waltz.  Last week they wowed the judges with their futuristic Paso Doble and look to carry that momentum forward.  It is slow, serene, and rather boring.  She’s one of the loveliest dancers on the show this season and I think she should be in the finals.  Bruno said their Waltz had the grace of angels from heaven.  Carrie Ann said she took her breath away.  Len said her hold is as good as any professional’s and that she looked fantastic.  The judges had some minor criticism, but overall they seemed to enjoy it.  9s across the board.

Kelly & Louis:  Now it’s time for my least favorite contestant.  I have nothing against Kelly; I just don’t think she’s as good as the others at this point.  During rehearsal she got a phone call saying that one of her dogs died.  She was understandably distraught, but she stuck it out and finished practicing.  She and Louis perform the Rumba.  It’s a very good dance, but I just don’t think she measures up in comparison to the other stars.  There are only a handful of celebs left, so they are each subject to a lot of scrutiny.  The crowd seemed to love it.  Carrie Ann was brought to tears, saying that Kelly reached right into her heart and made her love her.  Len said any dance she gets, she dances well – but he doesn’t think this was her best dance.  Bruno said that the Rumba requires a relentless sense of eroticism, and it was missing from their dance.  8s across the board.

Mya & Dmitry:  The high-powered couple received a perfect score last week and will have to work even harder to duplicate that this week.  Mya is dedicated, even sleeping in the studio so she can put in as much time as possible.  Their Waltz is graceful and magical.  They also incorporate a high level of difficulty in their routines.  Mya is nearly as good as the professional dancers.  Len said she was in control for the entire dance and was a joy to watch.  Bruno said it was love set to music and he loved it.  Carrie Ann loved it too but felt she was slightly not connected in her hold.  Carrie Ann: 9 Len: 9 Bruno: 10

ROUND 2

Donny & Kym:  They give some background on Donny’s childhood and long professional career.  They talk to a few of his sons who seem to really admire him.  He and Kym dance the Samba, which partially redeems him for his earlier Tango.  I didn’t think it was that great, but Donny got through it.  Each celebrity will have to dance a solo segment within each round two dance, and Donny’s was nothing special.  Bruno said it was effortless and carefree.  Carrie Ann said it seemed sloppy.  Len agrees with Bruno that it was strong and determined.  Carrie Ann: 8 Len: 9 Bruno: 9

Joanna & Derek:  Joanna emigrated from Poland at age 5.  Her mother worked grueling hours to provide for her family.  She took ballet lessons until age 9 but had to quit because her mother couldn’t afford it.  Her younger sister looks just like her.  Joanna seems to have been focused at a young age and never let adversity to discourage her.  Wait a minute is Joanna a Playboy model? I thought she was a swimsuit model.  Why is Hugh Hefner sharing his opinion?  Anyway, their Cha Cha Cha is cute, but rather sedate.  Carrie Ann said she truly is a dancer and she did a great job.  Len said it had good rhythm and it was clean but could have been more cheeky.  Bruno said that she oozes sex and that she has achieved a high standard and should be proud of herself.  9s across the board.

Kelly & Louis:  They’ve got the Quickstep for the second round.  It’s a fun performance and I can see her improvement.  I don’t notice any mistakes in their dance, but I thought her footwork could have been a little smoother at times.  There was also a stumble at the very end.  Len said it was totally beyond his expectations and he was blown away.  Bruno said overall it was good.  Carrie Ann was excited, saying she nailed it. Kelly sucks up by thanking the judges for their comments throughout the season.  9s across the board.

Mya & Dmitry:  Mya’s segment about her childhood reveals early tap dance.  Her mother said that she always had musicality.  Their Salsa is amazing and the choreography is great.  Her solo is great also.  Bruno said it was sensational.  Carrie Ann said it was hot beyond belief and her solo was slammin.’  Len said “Tooty fruity what a booty.” He was mesmerized and said she deserved to be in the finals.  10s across the board.

ROUND 3

These dances are what the celebrities would have performed if they had competed in the head-to-head portion of the elimination episode, the so-called “knockout dance.”

Donny & Kym:  They perform a spirited Jitterbug that allows Donny to really maximize his cheesy personality and play to the crowd.  Carrie Ann said he needed this dance to be good and it was.  Len said it was a winner.  Bruno also enjoyed it.  9s across the board.

Joanna & Derek:  They dance the Salsa, which was very good.  All the judges thought she did a great job.  Len said it was hot, tasty and full of spice.  Bruno said it was delicious and flirtations. Carrie Ann said she’d like to see her in the finals.  9s across the board.

Kelly & Louis:  They have the Cha Cha Cha.  I think she’s good, but she just hasn’t risen to that next level.  Bruno said her precision and timing were good and he liked it.  Carrie Ann thought she finished her lines well.  Len said all three of her dances were at a high level.  9s across the board.

Mya & Dmirty:  I bet these two will get higher than a 9.  They also chose the Cha Cha Cha for their knockout dance.  It was crisp, clean and exciting.  I know Bruno’s going to like it.  Carrie Ann said she has great hip action and she threw in some tricks, but the beginning of the dance didn’t “speak” to her.  Len said he was disappointed…that it couldn’t go on longer.  Bruno said it was like an action-packed trailer for a blockbuster. ?????  Carrie Ann: 9 Len: 10 Bruno: 10

ELIMINATION

The judges choose Mya and Dmitry’s Salsa for an encore.  After recapping the contestant’s scores we watch the final four squirm under the hot red elimination lights.  After what feels like an eternity we find out that Mya is safe.  Kelly, Joanna and Donny will have to sweat bullets a little longer, sitting through more guest performances and dances.  Eventually only Kelly and Joanna remain in the bottom two, and Joanna is eliminated.  I’ve made my feelings about Kelly known. Hopefully Donny and Mya end up going head to head in the finals next week, and I can’t wait to see everyone’s freestyle.

Season 9, Week 9: Episodes 18&19 (originally aired November 16&17, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia: The D.E.N.N.I.S. System

When I first got the news that I’d be tasked with covering It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia I excitedly told my friend Adam. A die hard fan he responded: “Wow, that’s like if I got to review porn”. Indeed Adam, indeed. So welcome one and all to Poptimal’s inaugural coverage of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Think of me as just another friendly bar fly at Paddy’s and to quote our beloved Frank, I promise to get “reeeal weird with it.”

So on with the show, and what a show indeed. One of my favorite things about Sunny (particularly this season) is how it continues to evolve into a tighter more effective show, while still staying true to its off the wall crazy. This show proves time and again that there is nothing funnier than stupid people who believe they are smart. This week featured Dennis getting to wax poetic over his foolproof strategy of getting women (i.e. the D.E.N.N.I.S. system). Coming off more like a bizarro version of NPH from How I Met Your Mother, Dennis lays out his systematic approach to loving the ladies, using his most recent dalliance with a cute pharmacist  to illustrate. The system is simple, he tricks women into believing he’s a decent guy, manipulates them into sleeping with him, ignores them, reunites with them for one last “bang”, only to never talk to them again. It’s genius, and I’m afraid every frat boy in America might try it.

In true Sunny fashion things devolve pretty quickly, having each of “the gang” try to implement their own take on the “system”. Mac, playing the sensitive roommate, swoops in and preys on Dennis’ discards (moving in after completion, or the M.A.C), while Frank, ready with a pack of hundreds and a box of magnum condoms, “ploughs” through any left over. “It’s a delicate ecosystem,” Mac admits, and for some reason the absurdity not only works, it makes total sense.

Meanwhile, the D.E.N.N.I.S. system is completely messing with Dee’s head, and her relationship with the adorably dim Ben (the soldier she met online). Planting the seed of paranoia, Dennis tells Dee that the only reason Ben follows her around like a puppy (he literally sat inside a car with the windows rolled up in 100 degree heat) was because he was playing her. So of course Dee responds by rejecting any sweet advances (he makes her a romantic picnic) by asserting her independence and falling down a hill. Kaitlin Olson always goes above and beyond whenever Sunny decides to humiliate Dee, and I think that no other actress could make such a repulsive character as appealing.

Better yet is Charlie’s attempt to “D.E.N.N.I.S” the Waitress. As he grouses about his utter failure at winning her heart (she apparently has so many restraining orders on him he lost count) he decides to break into her apartment, take apart her kitchen sink and do something with a bag of hair. I love that instead of including Charlie into the entire sex food chain scenario, they revisit his undying quest to win the Waitress. Watching Charlie try to smooth talk is always hilarious, but his musings on plumbers and fair workers (she’s working at the fair now) just “going together” was gold.

Things completely fall apart at the end when Frank upsets the delicate chain by attempting to by pass Mac by trying to convince Dennis’ Pharmacist lady that “she has the AIDS, big time!”. Charlie fails at demonstrating his worth to the Waitress, Dee gets a key to the chest (which was intended for the Waitress) from a carnie she was flirting with in order to make Ben jealous, and Dennis gets outraged over the utter misuse of his system. All in all a very fitting end, but I wonder if anyone gave poor Gladys a ride back?

Fun Facts:

-For those who didn’t know Mac and Dee are married in real life

-so are Charlie and the Waitress

-and so are Dennis and the Pharmacist…gotta love how they keep it in the family.

Season 5, Episode 10: The D.E.N.N.I.S. System (originally aired November 19, 2009)

For more on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

The Blind Side: Cinematic Touchdown

Before you listen to other reviews of “The Blind Side” that dissect the (patronizing?) message that the movie sends, read this. Before you listen to people who think that it’s just another story of white guilt, read this. And before you decide to go see it just because you’ve heard that Sandra Bullock may earn some nods for her performance come award season (and she might), read this. Oh, and make sure to have some tissues handy, too.

I can’t sum this movie up in a debate about how plausible it is, what it says about race and class relations or even how much Hollywood might have glossed over the story of Michael Oher. I won’t do that, because of three undeniable truths: 1 – this story separates the cynics from the optimists in life, 2 – heart is heart (and this movie has an abundance of it), and 3 – it actually happened, and those that feel there aren’t any real Leigh Anne Tuohys in the world can’t ignore that fact.

This is the story of Michael Oher, an African-American high school student who grew up poor in the projects of Tennessee with a drug-addicted mother and a hard luck story. Despite his mammoth size, Oher, played by Quinton Aaron, was quick-footed and agile – enough to gain the attention of a football coach at a private school in the nice part of town and allow him to attend. While walking in the cold one evening (with no particular destination since he was essentially homeless), the wealthy Tuohy family comes across Oher, and Leigh Anne Tuohy (played by Sandra Bullock) instinctively invites him home. He ended up never leaving.

Though Oher was barely literate and had been largely neglected by the education system, the Tuohys worked with him and the gentle giant eventually improved his grades enough to try out for football, a relief to Coach Cotton (played by Ray McKinnon). That is, until he saw Michael’s performance on the field. It is here that the Tuohy’s son S.J.(played by Jae Head) provides the training and encouragement Oher needed to up his game, and also most of the comic relief in the film. Eventually, when Oher proved to be a formidable left tackle and was widely sought after by college coaches (who make real life cameos in the film), SJ morphed into a pint-sized Jerry Maguire, vying for the best possible package for his in-demand client. Michael Oher stayed in demand; the Tuohys eventually legally adopted him, and today he plays in the NFL for the Baltimore Ravens. His success story is much more than just ‘white family gives charity to underprivileged African-American teen,’ it’s about triumph, it’s about potential, and it’s about love.

What it isn’t about, for the most part however, is conflict. In fact, other than some initial surprise by relatives (who call to ask “do you know that there’s a large black boy in your Christmas photo?”) and the ignorant musings of Leigh Anne’s tony country club friends, the Tuohys and Oher encounter almost no obstacles until the end of the film. It should be said that “The Blind Side” is a movie full of laughs and tender moments – weepy moviegoers beware, I was stricken more than a few times – with a remarkable amount of self awareness. At no point was Sandra Bullock’s portrayal of Leigh Anne Tuohy flowery or sentimental, in fact she played a woman – nay, a force – who was equal parts stone-faced toughness as southern belle. Tim McGraw turned in a solid performance as the man behind the woman, Sean Tuohy, owner of fast food franchises and all around good guy, as did Kathy Bates playing the part of Miss Sue, Oher’s liberal-leaning tutor. Adriane Lenox, who plays Denise Oher, and Lily Collins, who ironically plays Oher’s sister Collins Tuohy also rounded out this solid cast.

Yes, the movie is based on Michael Lewis’ book “The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game.” Yes, it is an inspirational sports film. And yes, it is about different races and social classes. But no, it is not the African-American equivalent of “Rudy,” nor is it the male equivalent of “Precious,” with its main character’s story breaking our hearts into a million pieces at times. “The Blind Side” the story – the real story – is about a family, an unconventional definition of family, but a family nonetheless. It is about triumph. But most of all, it is about the hope and the untainted belief that maybe, just maybe, there are more Leigh Anne Tuohys out there.

Grade: A-

Want to read more Poptimal reviews of The Blind Side, check out Allison Toner’s article The Blind Side: The Gift of Family

New Moon: Slaying the Box Office Competition

Swoon. Seriously, swoooooon! There’s a reason people are so bonkers over this “saga”. It knows exactly how to push your every emotional button and drive you crazy over these two mythical protectors (I don’t even find Robert Pattinson attractive! But somehow Edward Cullen is drool-worthy). The end result being a slew of Twihard fans and some slaughtered box office records.

You could say I’m a Stephanie Meyer fan. I’ve enjoyed the entire Twilight series as well as The Host (I love YA novels, and I’m a Sci-Fi nut so it’s kind of right up my alley. Once I picked them up, they literally could not be pried from my fingers). What I can’t stand is all the entertainment hype. I don’ t need to see the stars, constantly plastered all over my magazine covers (No thank you Entertainment Weekly, TVGuide and, yes, even you Maxim!). The screams unleashed during the opening credits, the first shirtless Taylor Lautner (My Own Worst Emeny) scene, as well as the strategically placed ad for Pattinson‘s new movie Remember Me, was enough to make you want to Vincent Van Gogh yourself.

But, luckily, it was worth every second of that agony. Not only did New Moon improve in almost every aspect of film-making and storytelling, but it was still engrossing and entertaining. Will it ever be contender for best movie or AFI’s top 100 movie list? No. It’s will always remain the fantasy version of the High School Musical craze; much like the books will never win a National Book Award. Even those who genuinely buy into all the hype were snickering at certain parts of the film. But at least, be gone fake-looking, sparkly Edward Cullen. Hello, incredibly awesome, gigantor wolf morphing.

Chris Weitz definitely put his CG experience (see: The Golden Compass, another book-to-film adaption) into this one. The fight scenes, the slow-mo action and the sweeping panoramic Forks views were all the better. And Melissa Rosenberg, the screenwriter, who wrote the Step Up screenplay, last year’s Twilight and also worked on the TV show Dexter, provided a more succinct story even with all those cheesy lines.

Not much has changed since we last saw Bella Swan, Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, except that this threesome got a little thicker. Forks, Washington (currently dubbing itself “Home of Twilight”) is still gray and wet. Bella is still a simple, Plain Jane student, but this time Jacob is dealing with some new werewolf tendencies and Edward is throwing a little bit of a hissy fit when it comes to protecting his soul mate. Old vamp/foe Victoria, played by Rachelle Lafevre and by Bryce Dallas Howard in the next installment, also shows that she’s not done with Bella just yet. And throw in the Volturi, the rules-bound, royalty of the vamps, and the meat of the saga has begun to develop. Whereas Twilight was a set-up film, this film is about building, for the audience, the blueprint to where things are headed.

Both Kristin Stewart (Adventure Land, Into the Wild) and Pattinson (Little Ashes,  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) often look a little bored, but I think that’s Bella’s main job besides being a quintessential klutz. Both of these two act like they’d rather be anywhere else than in this franchise. Lautner is just scrumptious, feelings I tried to fight every moment he appeared on screen (Seeing more of the Quileute pack also shirtless was awesome but did not help as when they were shirtless, Taylor was more likely to be shirtless). I enjoyed seeing more of the Cullen family, especially Alice, played wonderfully by the beautiful Ashley Greene. And the Volturi, one of my favorite aspects of the book, were excellent to watch with the addition of Dakota Fanning from Push and The Secret Life of Bees as Jane (making great strides towards her adult acting career) and Michael Sheen (Frost/Nixon,  The Queen), who just needed way more screen time.

Will the films and/or novels every be completely worthy of the hype? Not so much, I believe. Harry Potter forged the way; it deserved all the attention it received. I can’t say the same for Twilight, but I can say that the masses have a right to choose their obsessions and flavors of the week, and I won’t turn away from something fun and glossy and entertaining just because tweens are losing their heads over it. I walked out of that crowded and noisy theater with a smile on my face and a desire to reread the books again (I held off so as to not spoil my own perception of the movie). And for me, that was all I was asking of the film.

Want to read more Poptimal reviews of New Moon, check out Robin Reed’s article New Moon: AWESOME

White Collar: A Modern Day Robin Hood

The episode opens with Neal and Mozzie following the map on the wine bottle to Grand Central Station. Neal finds a letter from Kate telling him to move on and stop looking for her.

Peter is overly suspicious of Neal this week—explaining that he checks Neal’s anklet on a daily basis and constantly reminds him he is on “tenuous probation.”

The case: a residential robbery of a rare painting, by Haustenberg, entitled “Young Girl with Locket.” It is stolen from Julianna Laszlo and worth about two million dollars. It belonged to her grandmother, who raised her and shared her name. At the initial meeting, Neal and Peter run into Julianna’s Uncle Gary who appears nervous and lawyers up almost immediately. An inside job? Neal thinks so.

After some ground rules from Peter, no threatening or lying, Neal confronts Gary. He confesses to telling Gerard Dorsett, a high-end loan shark, the whereabouts of the painting, who masterminded the theft.

The FBI trails Dorsett and finds that he is trying to sell the painting. To catch him, Neal will pose as a buyer with the help of a gallery employee, Taryn. While getting wired for the sting, Taryn hits on Neal. She heard about Neal’s escape from prison and asks if it was all really for a girl. He responds “some people think I’m a romantic.”

The sting goes bad and Dorsett escapes with both the painting and the money. (This seems like a recurring trend.) A cranky Peter is in hot water with his bosses.

On a side note, Neal discovers a hidden message in the letter from Kate: meet her at noon on Friday.

Back at the FBI, the curator of the Channing Museum shows up and claims that the painting belongs to the museum and was stolen in 1967. So who does the painting really belong to?

By the way, Neal is wearing the hat again–love that hat, but Peter not so much, he tells him to “lose that hat.”

Neal talks to Julianna again, who confesses that her grandmother stole the painting and was the girl in the painting. To prove this, Julianna shows Neal the locket, which her grandmother was wearing in the painting.

Meanwhile, the FBI cannot find Dorsett. The duo decide to track down Brigitte, Dorsett’s girlfriend, whom he mentioned during the failed sting. Neal finds her in a hotel bar with a friend. She invites Neal and Peter to her suite. Peter is uncomfortable and tells Neal, who keeps speaking French, “to cut the French crap.” Neal searches for the painting leaving Peter to awkwardly fend off the two blonde French women. Neal finds the painting hidden on the back of a mirror, takes it and leaves an origami butterfly in its place because Dorsett called Neal a butterfly during their meeting. The FBI loses track of Dorsett again.

But Dorsett calls Neal’s cell phone. He tells him that he wants the painting and threatens Taryn. Mozzie gets on Neal’s case for acting like “Robin Hood” and stealing the painting to give back to Julianna.

Neal confesses to Peter that he has the painting, which Peter is not happy about. But they decide to set up another meeting with Dorsett.

Before the meeting, Neal paints a replica, which looks exactly like original. He has many talents! Although Mozzie critiques his work and tells him “Haustenberg’s brushstrokes are much more fluid. Yours are too choppy.”

The meeting takes place and goes smoothly with the FBI arresting Dorsett. Neal gives the original painting back to Julianna. We then learn that her grandmother was the illegitimate daughter of Haustenberg and the museum ignored his will, which said to give the painting to her grandmother. The curator of the museum receives Neal’s copy with a note on the back stating “I know what you saw here last time.”

The episode ends with Neal and Mozzie going to meet Kate. She calls a pay phone and talks to Neal. She says “she needs him to tell her where he hid everything. He (the man with the ring) will let her come back to him if he tells her.” Neal surprisingly refuses. He sees Kate, runs towards her, but she disappears. I am not sure I believe Kate’s story…something doesn’t feel right.

This episode was entertaining but not their best. Funny details and lines were abundant. We learn Peter is not the best driver (he almost gets into a couple of accidents); Neal hasn’t met a woman who wasn’t into him since “Britney Nicole in 2^nd grade” because he “had a gap between his teeth;” and according to Mozzie, the temperature for aging a painting is 125 degrees.

My gripe is that the storyline for the past three episodes has been very similar. Neal has to pose as the buyer or pretend to be “back in the game.” The sting operation then goes bad with Neal getting shot at or the bad guys escaping. I hope the writers switch it up next week and try something different. I think the cast has the ability to pull off so much more. Also, where’s June?

For another take on this episode, check out A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words by Renata Sellitti.

Season 1, Episode 5: The Portrait (originally aired November 20, 2009)

For more on White Collar, click here.

Fridays at 10/9c on USA Network

Photographs courtesy of USA, Electric Artists, and David Giesbrecht

White Collar: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

What do I have to do to get Neal Caffrey to make a house call where I live? This week, our handsome con man drops in at a private residence to investigate the theft of a valuable portrait – and, because he’s Neal, he does a little flirting with the victim before he leaves. I’m beginning to think his second biggest asset to the FBI (other than his obvious criminal knowledge) is that he doesn’t look like an agent – his charm doesn’t just open doors, it busts them clear off their hinges.

Peter and Neal use this to their advantage when a Haustenberg painting is stolen from the Manhattan home of Julianna Laszlo, a 22-year-old who inherited the house and the painting from her grandmother. Immediately Burke and Caffrey suspect Julianna’s Uncle Gary, who also lives at the house. When Uncle Gary lawyers up faster than you can say “felony,” Burke decides they need to find out what he’s hiding. So Neal, in a brilliant game of ‘pretend-you-know-something-you-really-don’t-know’ gets a visibly nervous Gary to reveal the name of the real mastermind behind the theft of the painting. Gary says he didn’t want to keep it, just pass it off for a small profit to the real culprit, a loan shark named Gerard Dorsett.

Dorsett has been trying to unload the painting with no luck, so Neal poses as a prospective buyer at a sting operation Burke has arranged with Taran VanDerzant, a beautiful museum buyer willing to accompany him for the sale. Dorsett gets spooked, the deal goes sour and he escapes with $100,000 of the FBI’s money. Ouch, Peter that will be coming out of your pay check – sorry.

Now Dorsett has dived back down the rabbit hole, and to further complicate things a curator from the Channing museum has surfaced claiming that the Haustenberg painting actually belonged to them and not Julianna Laszlo. Burke and Caffrey, working off only a small tip that Dorsett’s girlfriend came into town from Paris set out to locate the elusive “Brigitte” with a stakeout operation – find her, find Dorsett, find the painting and the money, at least that’s the plan. But, since Neal is Neal he trades his low brow position in the stakeout car with Burke and his stinky sandwiches for a chance to wine and dine Brigitte at the Hotel Gansevoort, and soon Neal and Peter are entertaining a very French and very drunk Brigitte and her friend Claire up in their hotel room in the hopes of finding the evidence. Peter’s a bad liar, and Elizabeth sniffs it out right away when she calls to check in on him, while Neal breaks into the locked bedroom in Brigitte’s suite and finds the painting (but no money, damn). Neal swipes the painting and replaces it with an origami butterfly – an obvious tip off to Dorsett of who was behind the theft after Dorsett referred to Neal as a butterfly (read: man whore) earlier in the episode. You just couldn’t help yourself, could you Neal…

Here the game of cat and mouse shifts, as Dorsett – angered by Neal’s actions – decides to pursue him instead of the other way around. Meanwhile, Neal is busy painting his own Haustenberg forgery and aging it in the oven with the help of Mozzie (who got short changed on screen time this episode), and putting his own inscription on the back of the picture. The original proved that the Channing curator was lying, the painting was meant for Julianna, and the Neal Caffrey original essentially gave him the middle finger and assured that it would be returned to its rightful owner. So, round two of the painting swap is arranged with Dorsett, only this time the FBI swoops in and the crook is nabbed. They never address the missing money again, but I guess arresting Dorsett gets Burke off the hook for fronting his tab. But that wasn’t all the action from this episode…

The Kate story (chuckles), really? I mean, really? The writers were doing so well with that, only this week that subplot took a ridiculous and clichéd left turn, one I wish they would’ve avoided. Firstly, the X that marked the spot from last week lead Neal and Mozzie to Grand Central Station, or rather to a support beam outside Grand Central Station where Neal sees an X and pulls a note out from a crack in the steel. As if you weren’t gagging already, then Kate’s note says to forget her and move on, only when Neal folds the paper in a certain way it reveals the real meaning of the message, to meet there at noon on Friday. When Neal goes back with Mozzie, we finally see Kate (in person, not on prison tape) as she calls him on a payphone and begs Neal to give her the location of every asset he has hidden, or else her captor won’t let her come home. Sigh. Could this be any more implausible than the quickie endings that White Collar sometimes features to solve their crimes? I didn’t think so, but it looks like that’s the case. And it’s cheesy, and I don’t think they should’ve revealed Kate just yet – better to hold out until late in the season until we see her and keep the suspense. Anyway, at least Neal didn’t agree to give up the info, but if that’s the direction this story line is going in, I’d just as soon see more Mozzie and less Kate.

Things that I did find entertaining, however, were the fact that Neal now knows that Burke checks the location on his anklet every day, and that Elizabeth suggested that perhaps pairing Neal off with some beautiful woman might get him to stop chasing Kate. Fat chance, but good thinking. Lastly, the best line of the episode goes to Neal, when Burke asked him if there has ever been a woman who wasn’t totally in love with him, and Neal said “Brittany Nicole, second grade…I had a gap in my teeth.” Amazing. Next week finds Caffrey and Burke navigating the inner workings of Chinatown, and I think it’s safe to say that even if there’s a language barrier, the language of Neal’s hotness will still be pretty universal.

For another take on this episode, check out A Modern Day Robin Hood by Allison Toner.

Season 1, Episode 5: The Portrait (originally aired November 20, 2009)

For more on White Collar, click here.

Fridays at 10/9c on USA Network

Photographs courtesy of USA, Electric Artists, and David Giesbrecht

SUNDAY, 22nd

2009 AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS: No musical award show this season will be complete without a head scratching performance from Lady GaGa. (8pm/ABC)

MONDAY, 23rd

JON & KATE PLUS 8: Series finale! Unfortunately, while the series might be over, the media circus continues. (9pm/TLC)

TUESDAY, 24th

DANCING WITH THE STARS: Season finale! Let’s just give Mya the trophy and call it a day. (9pm/ABC)

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