Real Housewives of Orange County: Adios Jeana

“All good things must come to an end eventually,” but in the case of Jeana Keough, the housewife with arguably the most marbles, it’s more like “All time spent with a gaggle of crazy b*tches,” must come to an end, too. Amen.

This was the farewell episode for Real Housewife Jeana, one of the original housewives and probably the most gangsta of them all. Jeana wanted to spend more time with her kids, she needed to focus on her struggling finances, and frankly she was just “over it,” in her words, which means she’d hit her drama boiling point and decided to tap out. Good for you, Jeana, if I had to spend all of my time with Tamra and Vicki I’d probably jump ship too – get out while you’ve still got your dignity…er, most of it at least. Jeana spent this episode blowing off housewife activities to hang out with her children, who all finally came home for a nice family dinner…well, minus her crazy soon to be ex-husband who is still living in her house, yikes. She obviously has an active social life, she spends less time with Vicki now (who calls her “toxic” anyway), and her kids all seem to be doing well for themselves. Now if only her real estate business would bounce, she’d be all set. Jeana, in the immortal words of Tupac,“Keep your head up,” we’re rooting for you.

And because television is a fickle medium, it’s out with the old and in with the new as the show swiftly changes gears to include the new housewife, Alexis Bellino. But first, a question – is it called “Orange County” because all of the women look like skinny oompa loompas with their overly tanned complexions? Easy on the bronzer (and tanning beds) ladies, orange is only a good color for traffic cones. But I digress…This week the ladies attended a private party at La Perla, an upscale lingerie store. At the party, we learn a few things: 1 – Lynne’s daughter is brought to yet another inappropriate function, 2 – Simon only likes Tamra when she’s half naked, 3 – Alexis’ husband Jim is a creepy control freak and 4 – Vicki and Alexis finally meet, amidst all of the speculation and gossip. Alexis says she’s not so bad – OK, we’ll just wait a few episodes and see if she’s still singing the same tune. I found it totally uncomfortable that Simon and Jim were dictating how their wives tried on the lingerie, but as we saw earlier in a scene with Alexis and Jim out to lunch, Jim is one step away from making Alexis wear a burka and walk 5 steps behind him. Take the shackles off, Jim, she’ll be fine…

In another equally revealing scene about the dynamic between Jim and Alexis, they were invited over for a barbecue at Tamra and Simon’s house where we learned even more about them. First of all, it’s fine to be religious and place your faith high up in your life, but if we have to listen to a whole season of Alexis and Jim saying how much God factors into everything they do, I’m going to kill myself. When Alexis said that God comes first, their marriage comes second and their children come third, um…did anyone else find that weird? Shouldn’t your children come before you and your creepy husband and your creepy sex life? Just asking. Plus, they have 3 kids and 2 nannies, and she says how hard it is to manage – really? You have 2 nannies, I’m sure you’ll cope… One thing the producers neglect to mention is that this is Alexis’ second marriage. Hmm, wonder what the bible says about divorce Alexis… Anyway, he orders her around, she’s not allowed to raise her voice, and she isn’t allowed to go anywhere without him (and she cuts his food). Someone sign Jim up for husband of the year – he’s quite a catch. Actually, Tamra would probably beg to differ, as she literally drooled and seethed envy over the size of Alexis’ wedding ring. Then she joked about Alexis’ amazing boobs and her inhuman physique, making it perfectly clear to everyone how blindingly jealous she is of Alexis. It’s only a matter of time before the claws come out.

Lastly, Lynne and her family were in the midst of downsizing to another house, as the “lease” ran up on their current home. It’s alright Lynne, you can say “rental’, it’s not a dirty word. Gretchen and Slade were also discussing their waning finances as they attended the swanky party of her friend Kelly – who clearly has money to burn on things like burlesque dancers and fancy cocktails. The party ended with Gretchen getting wasted and dancing on a stripper pole, so I’d say she was able to forget about her money woes, at least for the night.

There you have it, the end of the Jeana era and the beginning of the Alexis era. Alexis certainly has the Orange County look down pat, now she just has to deal with all the drama – good luck with that. And happy trails to you, Jeana, until we meet again on the reunion show…

For another take on this episode, check out Still biatchy! by Liz Cooper.

Season 5, Episode 3: It Ends in Coto de Caza (originally aired November 19, 2009)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal, and Mitchell Haaseth