The Amazing Race: Lady Gaga playing the piano on fire was soooo much better.

Whoah.  I just finished a lackluster Amazing Race episode, changed the channel, and landed on The American Music Awards, which I haven’t watched since Flava Flav was a “surprise” guest performer with NKOTB back in. . .in. . .a frakin’ long time ago. Carrie Underwood is wrapping up a performance of that song about a no-good-down-dirty man, and I hit pause and it lands, unfortunately, on Adam Lambert in the audience and he still scares me.  But I’m curious so I look up that 2012 song, which is about the world ending, or something, which totally fits because Adam Lambert sounds like Richard Marx in it, and if Richard Marx just became the next new thing, even in spirit, the world really is ending.  Sorry, I was a Kris fan.

But on the positive side, I just watched “Should’ve Known Better.”  That song was awesome.

So, clearly leaving the AMAs on while I write this is trouble.  I apologize. But let’s face it, Lady Gaga in a lighted nude leotard lined in a bone sculpture playing a piano (of fire!) is so much better than that Don Giovanni guy.  Now I’m wondering what Lady Gaga could’ve done at the Estates Theater. Did I mention that the piano is on fire?

Perhaps the sound of Lady Gaga smashing glass against a grand piano on fire would’ve better expressed the frustration of searching for itty bitty mandolins among a 600-person theater than Meghan’s repeated “Cheyne” -ing.  Meghan’s “Cheyne” strikes me as infinitely more pleasing than Ericka’s “Brian!” or Dan’s “Sam!” but I didn’t just finish wrapping my large, lanky body upside-down around a tiny rope while pulling myself across on a ropes course.

(Woah, Jennifer Lopez is back and performing!  But after the spectacle of Gaga, this boxing theme really just doesn’t cut it.  She is back, right?  I’m not remarking on something that happened, like, 3 months ago?  As you may have figured out by the non-VH1 related Flava Flav reference, I’m post-30.)

So we started off this episode with a brief summary of the complete non-fight that happened between Herbert & Nathaniel and Sam & Dan.  They’ve talked, and it’s all good now.  So, after all that build up last week, we’ve got a completely drama free relationship.  But the show wants desperately for some good entertaining mean-spirited competition, so it decides that we’ll just have to hate Meghan this week.

First, Meghan gets the idea to lie to the other teams about what a Praga Alta refers to.  It’s a car, but they don’t get to do it because Herbert & Nathaniel figure it out as well.  But Meghan gets a second chance when she tells Herbert & Nathaniel that she and Cheyne will work with them following the above-mentioned ropes course on the way to the next task at the Estates Theater.  Which totally makes sense, cause that’s what you do when you’re near the end of a race; you help people. As Wayne and Garth would say  – NOT! (I’m just full of dated references today, aren’t I? What can I say, they’re playing Whitney Houston’s greatest hits on the AMAs right now and I’m jonesing on nostalgia for “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”) Cheyne sets her straight when they jump in a cab, leaving the Globetrotters at a bus station, that it’s a competition, sweetie – and she huffs and pouts cause she knows he’s right.  She tries to counter him by implying that now they’ll be a target of the ‘Trotters.  I’ve got two problems with this argument: 1) you never let the risk of being a target keep you from doing well and 2) if there is anyone who understands the nature of competition, it’s these guys.  While, yes, they’ve talked some trash (I’m thinking of Mika and Canaan) but really, they get over grievances pretty quickly cause it’s their day job to understand the nature of competition.  So, shut up, Meghan.

By the way, a friend of a friend lives in the same building as Meghan & Cheyne, and she says that they had a HUGE party a few months ago.  Take that for what you will.

Now, if Meghan’s devious-ness isn’t just cutting it for you, you’ve got Sam & Dan stealing Brian & Ericka’s cab at the Detour this week.  It was kinda a dick move, but totally a justified one, and totally within the rules, Brian.  You see, there’s nothing that says you can’t take a cab that someone else was using, so Brian’s whole implication that Sam & Dan weren’t playing “fair” is – what’s the word? – stupid.  Almost as silly as sending Ericka into a challenge when the clue read “who can remain composed under pressure?” Seriously, I know they’re married, but does he know her? Even Ericka was skeptical, as she should be when she ends up in the theater looking under chairs for an itty bitty (really, they were tiny) mandolin, muttering “I shouldn’t have to look under every single chair to find this.” Honey, it’s a Needle-In-A-Haystack challenge.  That’s exactly what you should have to do.

So Meghan & Cheyne are Team #1, Sam & Dan are Team #2, and Herbert & Nathaniel are Team #3.  Brian & Ericka are not eliminated, because the producers probably think that a vendetta between Sam & Dan and Brian & Ericka will be vicious enough to not make me remember how much more engaging Green Day was than the Ericka-and-Brian-take-a-bus! storyline this week.

Next week, maybe we should go to India?  Anyone got any other suggestions to beef up this season?

For another take on this episode, check out These People Need To Be Euthanized by Cameron Cubbison.

Season 15, Episode 9:  We’re Not Working With Anybody, Ever, Anymore! (originally aired November 22, 2009)

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Photographs courtesy of CBS