The Amazing Race: These People Need To Be Euthanized

Amazingly enough (no pun intended), The Amazing Race wasn’t the most irritating thing I watched on television last night. But I still blame the show, because had I not had to watch nimrods on The Amazing Race lower humanity’s standards, I would not have seen the series of obnoxious commercials that made me shriek violently like a baboon in heat.

First there was the one with two women in an apartment. One is doing a crossword puzzle while the other one asks “how it went” last night. Crossword lady answers by asking “What’s a thirteen-letter word for a marriage proposal.” The question lady responds that she doesn’t know, which prompts Crossword Twit to flash her hand, revealing an engagement ring. Crossword lady exclaims: “He went to Jared!” Maybe he did, but I’m going to the apothecary to procure some deadly poison. I’m coming for you Crossword Twit.

Next there was the one where a man lights up a Christmas tree while his wife rocks their young and grotesquely ugly baby in a chair. She asks him what he is doing up so early this morning. He replies that it’s not just any morning, it’s Christmas morning! Then he gives his wife an equally garish and grotesque but also (much more valuable) watch! He tells his wife that this is their first Christmas as a family (thanks for sharing) and asks her if he thinks their ugly baby will remember its first Christmas? The wife replies that she sure will. Then they suck face. Okay, first point: of course the baby won’t remember the Christmas you flaming idiot. Second point: get a room (okay, a different room) and get off my tv.

And finally, the third charming commercial was about some young guy coming home after long travels in Africa. He walks to his front door in the early morning, but before he can knock his younger sister opens the door and embraces him wildly. They walk inside and she tells him that the folks waited up all night for him. He tells her that Africa is a long way away. This guy is a geography whiz! He then gives his sister a Christmas gift with one of those plastic bow things on it. The sister takes the plastic bow off the box and slaps it on her brother. “You’re my gift this year!” she exclaims. Then we cut to a full coffee pot, heavenly in its glow. It’s Folger’s Crystals! “Thank goodness, real coffee!” The traveler exclaims. Then we cut to the folks up in their bedroom, who smell the beans and jump up excitedly. “He’s home!” Let me get this straight: this guy was in Africa, probably drinking some of the best coffee in the world, and now he’s excited to drink ersatz Folger’s Crystals? I don’t think so. And if the dumb sister (is there any other kind?) doesn’t want her gift, I’ll claim it, take it to a pawn shop and get what I really want for Christmas.

So once again, I blame The Amazing Race for exposing me to all that saccharine Christmas bull. Oh wait, you mean you actually want to know what happened in the episode? Well anything I write after this will seem anticlimactic, but then again, so was the episode, which opens with everyone flying from Estonia to Prague.

The first task: find a man in a Praga—a vintage old car—in the town square.  At the airport, the smart (I use the term loosely) teams get online and look up Pragas online. We get some real heady philosophical waxing from Meghan and Cheyne, and The Globetrotters and openly gay brothers Sam & Dan say that they have put aside their differences from last week. That’s stupid, why would you do that?

Everyone takes a cab to the town square except Brian & Ericka, who make the misguided choice to take the subway. Meghan & Cheyne find the Pragas first. Next stop: Kayaky Troja. This week’s detour: “Fast and Furious” or “Slow and Steady.” In the former, teams have to kayak down a professional-grade whitewater course and grab the next clue. In the latter, teams have to hook into a pulley system with carabiners and traverse the cables. I would have done that one, as did Meghan & Cheyne and The Globetrotters, with no real problems. Sam & Dan go with the kayaking and screw the pooch royally, flipping over and clawing their way to the shore. They decide to try the cables now, while Brian & Ericka have yet to arrive. Man that team sucks.

The next challenge: rush to a theater in Prague and search throughout the huge structure for a tiny mandolin. Meghan & Cheyne and the Globetrotters decide to team up initially, but then Cheyne leaves them in the lurch. The Globetrotters and Meghan whine about it. I really didn’t care. Meanwhile Brian & Ericka share that Brian is afraid of heights and Ericka is afraid of water. Sweet jesus. Ericka convinces Brian to conquer his fear and do the cables. Ericka is smiling and laughing, feeling happy and impressed with herself that she is going to dominate this challenge. Except as soon as she gets on the cable, she starts whining about how hard it is and pulls herself screaming across the cables about as fast as Oprah Winfrey would. This segment ends with Sam & Dan stealing the taxi that Brian & Ericka had waiting. They pout at them from afar, but even that fails to make Ericka move her slow ass any faster.

From there we get everyone, scrambling in the theater, and it is mildly amusing to watch everyone get frustrated. Brian & Ericka arrive there dead last, and guess how they finish the race? Yep, at least they are consistent. But once again, this entire episode was pointless because nobody gets eliminated. CBS sure wants to make this pedestrian crap last as long as possible. Oh joy.

For another take on this episode, check out Lady Gaga playing the piano on fire was soooo much better. by Alana D.

Season 15, Episode 9:  We’re Not Working With Anybody, Ever, Anymore! (originally aired November 22, 2009)

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS