The Men Who Stare at Goats – I’m Sorry, What?

I took a philosophy class in college called Philosophy of the Mind. I spent the entire semester mired in quicksand, trying to keep up and figure out just what the hell was going on. My epiphany came when I realized no one knew what was going on either, so I just started acting like I understood. I passed the class and learned how easy it is to fake smart. It’s exactly the way I feel about this film.

I guess this is based (I’m assuming very loosely) on a nonfiction book about actual events. The film’s timeline isn’t linear, and jumps around making it a bit hard to follow. If you can keep up with my review, you may have a shot at keeping up with the movie. We begin with Ewan McGregor’s character, Bob Wilton, who interviews a crazy local guy (Stephen Root) who claims to have government honed psychic powers. At the end of the interview, he claims that his powers are nowhere near those of Bill (played by Jeff Bridges) or Lyn Cassidy (George Clooney). McGregor dismisses the man as a loony, which, of course, he probably is.

After Bob’s wife (Rebecca Mader) leaves him for his one armed boss (which I think is meant to be a cheap attempt at humor, but no one in my theatre laughed) he decides to go to Iraq to prove…something. He finds himself in Kuwait, being shunned by all the actual embedded war correspondents, waiting for permission to enter the country. That’s when just happens to stumble on Lyn Cassidy, whose name he recalls from the loony’s interview. In turn, Lyn stumbles on some doodles Bob’s drawn and agrees to take him into Iraq the next day on his “mission.”

Along the way, the duo can’t cook their meals, wreck their car, get kidnapped, escape the kidnappers, run over a fellow hostage, and get rescued by an American security detail. They subsequently escape said detail and spend the night with their fellow Iraqi hostage while apologizing to each other for their countrymen’s shortcomings. Touching, I know. But what does all this have to do with the plot, you might ask? Let me explain. There is no plot.

While all this gratuitous action takes place, Lyn slowly reveals his past in the New Earth Army, a battalion started by Bill with the purpose of fighting wars through the practice of peace and harmony. Right. Roll with me here. At any rate, we get some incongruous shots of Vietnam, post-war enlightenment, and the effects of LSD, after which Bill feels in tune with Mother Nature and her powers. The Pentagon gives him funding (this part I believe), and he recruits and trains his elite men, otherwise known as the Jedi.

The fun ends when Bill recruits Larry Hooper (Kevin Spacey) who is continually outshone by Lyn’s talent. Due to his jealousy and general wickedness, Larry performs experiments on another recruit that result in the man’s death. He blames it on Bill, who is dishonorably discharged, and the unit is disbanded. Larry tries to reinvent it on his own terms and Lyn is forced to stop the heart of a goat. Lyn believes he cursed the Jedi by killing the goat because he used his powers for evil instead of good. Yes, you heard me right.

Back in the present day Iraqi desert, Bob the reporter finds out Lyn has no orders but they are trekking to an unknown destination he has seen with his “remote viewing,” and Bill, the ex-commander, gave him the mission. By some miracle (or through psychic powers) Lyn and Bob stumble on a secret military alliance in the middle of the desert, and it happens to be run by Larry Hooper. Bill is also employed for him, and wants to invite Lyn back into the fold. Oh, and Lyn has cancer, which he thinks was brought on by a “death touch” Larry gave him years before. Also Larry is doing illegal human research on Iraqi’s, and a bunch of goats.

If you think none of this makes any logical sense at all, you are right. Go see the movie, then try and explain it to your friends. I dare you. I won’t give away the ending (as if it matters) but it involves more LSD. And goats. For while I thought perhaps there would be a great revelation, or some proof would emerge to contradict the assumption that Lyn and Bill are nutso. It doesn’t. Then I though, perhaps we are going to get commentary on war and what it does to people. We don’t. What bugged me the most is that Bob, this totally levelheaded wussy reporter, just starts believing Lyn somewhere about three-fourths of the way through the film.

I guess it’s obvious I didn’t enjoy this film. In fact, I would urge you to spend your ten bucks on something else. In addition to my other complaints, the dialogue is terrible and the characters have no actual motivation for their actions. The actors (with the exception of Jeff Bridges) do not do anything to make their characters more believable or sympathetic.  The cast, Clooney and Spacey especially, are talented actors so I’m more willing to blame the shortcomings on the script as opposed their skill. I wouldn’t have cared if any of them died. In fact, I might have liked it. Oh, and one more thing. ALL the funny moments are in the preview.