The Real Housewives of Orange County: Still biatchy!

This week on The Real Housewives of Orange County, Gretchen started her new frugal life, and Jeana ended her relationship with the housewives…or so they say.

We begin with Gretchen, who is in Scottsdale for a friend’s birthday, and is relishing this weekend before her new financial constraints affect her lifestyle. She brings boyfriend Slade, whose MO, according to Tamra is “bangin’ housewives”. That he does, Tamra, that he does, as Gretchen reminds us several times during her visit that she is in no shortage of lovin’. Gretchen and Slade discuss being frugal in their private cabana, and she notes that in days before she knew Jeff she would get the cutest outfits for, like, twenty bucks. So she just needs to trade out her hundred dollar bills for twenties. See guys, being frugal is still fun! She brings up how she finally feels like herself again since Jeff’s death last year and uses her friend Kelly’s pink and white birthday party as her pseudo coming out party. And by “coming out” she means getting trashed and doing a semi strip tease for Slade. Nothing says I’m over death like a good hangover!

Meanwhile, Jeana is eagerly awaiting for her soon-to-be-ex-husband to move out so he stops cramping her social life. She chats with Tamra about how excited she is to start a new life that is drama-free and is looking forward to spending more time with her kids. Tamra smells some bull when antidrama Jeana suggests that she apologize to Gretchen for how she treated her last season (who thinks in years anymore?) and Tamra says that Jeana is totally the girl who would fart in the room and say “who did that?!”. Exactly, Tamra, exactly.

Then there is Alexis, the new girl that the housewives are eager to get to know and be bitchy to since she is way hotter than the rest of them. At a cookout at Tamra’s, Alexis arrives in a teeny tiny bikini carting kids all over the place, and Tamra’s laser beam eyes are on. She is green with envy, no she’s worse; she’s chartreuse. She wants Alexis’ body, her knockers, her doorknocker-sized ring, her marriage and probably her plastic surgeon’s number (I was shocked to find out Princess Alexis is only 32…eech).

Next up is the lingerie party at La Pearla. The housewives bring their husbands/boyfriends/daughters/credit cards to this private party where there are models to make the housewives not want to eat and personal shoppers to get them drunk enough to buy things like a $1700 gold bra. Jeana is MIA since she is having a family dinner with her three kids. It’s nice actually. Gretchen is first to arrive and Tamra soon shows up, which is the first time they have been together since “the incident”. Luckily, Tamra the biatch (Slade’s words, not mine) and Gretchen don’t kill one another and all is well in the OC. Vicki vows to be less judgmental and bitchy and I can’t wait for her to experience amnesia and be horrible to someone next week.

The episode ends with Jeana cleaning up her kitchen and her life (how artsy, Bravo!) and decides that she is done with the housewives. Is there any more point in filming her? I can’t wait for next week when Alexis will inevitably be thrown under the bus for being the new girl and I’m hoping someone flips a table by the end of this season. Oh how I miss the charms of New Jersey.

For another take on this episode, check out Adios Jeana by Renata Sellitti.

Season 5, Episode 3: It Ends in Coto de Caza (originally aired November 19, 2009)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal