The Real Housewives of Orange County: Next Week on the Real Housewives…

NUP_136451_0153This week on Real Housewives, the scene was set for the inevitable bitch storm next week in Florida. Vicki’s plan to have a girl’s vacay has been turned into a couples retreat, since Alexis and Tamra aren’t allowed beyond a 50 mile radius without their husbands.

Alexis is ridiculous. I think she might have a few screws missing upstairs. She thought that it would be a great idea to take her very small daughters for their first mani-pedi. Come on Alexis, not all children are Suri Cruise. Shock, the kids hate it and the staff at the nail place definitely hate Alexis for her terrible idea. We get some insight into the world that is Alexis when she goes out to lunch with Gretchen since she is new to the group and stupidly thinks that the way to get in with the in crowd is through the most hated housewife. Alexis reminds us at lunch that she is only 32, even though her years of Botox beg to differ. Anywho, she tells Gretchen that she never travels without her husband (just to set up how disastrous this FL trip is going to be) and talks about how she is from the Midwest and is very traditional, and she and Jim clicked because of their solid Christian values and mutual hatred for the devil. She says that the trust in their relationship is so strong that she would trust him naked on a boat with Gretchen, yet she would never ever travel without him. Uhhh, ok.

We get more of Alexis later in the episode when she goes to her biyearly Botox treatment. Man, life is hard for a 32-year-old. You know she is 32 right? At 27 she only had to go get Botox once a year, but now that she is the big 3-2 it has to be twice. Apparently Jim loves Botox and doesn’t want to grow old with a frumpy wife, but an expressionless one is fine as long as they travel together. I cannot stress how excited I am for Alexis or Jim to snap and/or suffer the wrath of Vicki.

I’m also excited for the Tamra-Simon-Vicki bomb to explode next week. Tamra is supposed to do whatever Simon says, and he thinks that they have the perfect relationship that way. Tamra clearly doesn’t and wants to be more independent, hence going back to work showing houses. She says that her real estate boss is an easier boss than Simon, which is just kind of depressing. I keep feeling really bad for Tamra, between her bad son and her blah husband.

But that doesn’t last long. Fast forward to her peace offering lunch with Gretchen, which is so fake I feel like I’m back in the seventh grade. The purpose of this lunch is to move on, but it is really for both parties to dig their heels into the ground a little harder. They both claim the other is lying and want apologies for what has been said and neither agrees on anything. Mission accomplished (for more drama in Florida).

And finally for the comedic relief: Lynne and her mother-daughter plastic surgery treat. Don’t you see how cute it is that they will be in recovery together? Me neither. So Lynne is there for a face, neck and brow lift and Raquel is there for a birthday nose job. I’m starting to think that Lynne’s daughter Alexa is the only rational person on this show, since she thinks that plastic surgery is a bad solution for problems and her sister and mother are basically crazy. Come on Alexa get on the boat, there is no price for happiness. Even in this economy! By the time Lynne is in recovery and looking like the marshmallow man with a helmet of gauze and inaudible ramblings coming out of her taut face, Raquel goes in for the nose job and I have to turn away after seeing the tools. Ouch. Two days after surgery and ahhhhhhhhhahaha, Lynne looks like…not a human. Welcome to Madame Tussaud’s. Raquel is actually a really great daughter because she keeps telling her mom how great she looks, when a lesser girl would break down in tears and run away claiming alien abduction.

So this episode is just to look forward to next week: Lynne’s new face, Tamra’s freak out, Vicki’s freak out, Gretchen being inappropriate with Slade, another Tamra freak out, a Simon freak out, and Alexis will be fanning Jim with a palm leaf. While on the elliptical. Woot woot!

For another take on this episode, check out Seriously? by Renata Sellitti.

Season 5, Episode 5: Friends, Facelifts and Florida (originally aired December 10, 2009)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Tony Avelar

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