Bones Sucks Like A Possessed Vacuum

I’ve written previously about how I can’t understand how Bones can be great one week and terrible the next. I sound like a broken record. Speaking of broken, I really want to break things. That’s how bad this episode was. I never thought I’d say this but I may be giving up on this show. This episode is nothing more than fluff and incredibly obnoxious plugging for Avatar. That’s right, the B storyline is all about Hodgins, Sweets and that Fisher intern all trying to get into the premiere of Avatar. What the hell? I’m a lot easier on product placement than a lot of people, but this really honked me off. How is that a comedic or dramatic storyline worth weaving into an episode of national television? I know Bones airs on the Fox network and that Avatar is being released by Fox. That doesn’t mean you get to bastardize the television show to plug an overhyped movie that doesn’t need any more marketing. Emma Watts, president of production at Fox…are you behind this? Is this your doing you greedy crass turd? I’m going to find Rambo and instruct him to shoot up your office with a Howitzer.

As for the murder this week, it’s not remotely interesting either. A body is found in the grease bins outside a seafood restaurant. It has been sitting in there for awhile and is floating in gunk, all the bodyfat rising to the surface. When the cleanup crew lifts the body out, all the skin and intestines sloughs off onto the ground. You know it’s a bad sign when it’s obvious that the writers and showrunners put the most effort into how gross they could make the dead body, not on character interactions. I think Hart Hanson needs to be fired. This show is really going down the toilet. I’m really angry. Really. Bitter even. I want to grab some nunchuks and destroy something.

Okay, so the victim was a mailman who was reported missing a few weeks ago. He was also a professional video-game whiz who was the best at some game called “Punky Pong.” Really? “Punky Pong.” Somebody wrote that and it was greenlit and paid for and filmed and broadcast through the airwaves? Gee, so I guess all the million fanboys who were jealous of Steve the postman wanted him dead, right? It’s a video game murder spree! Hey, let’s plug Avatar some more. Emily, you’re too good for this, okay? You’re too talented to be subjecting yourself and your career to this substandard horseshit. I know it’s your first tv show and Temperance Brennan is the role that made you a star, but you don’t have to deal with this crap, okay? You deserve to demand better. Or if you want, just get me into the Bones production office on the Fox lot and I will whip these writers into shape. It would be my honor. If you’re interested, call me. I promise you I’ll make them get it together. I can be very persuasive.

Cam has nothing to do in this episode. Booth has nothing to do in this episode. Angela has nothing to do in this episode except whine about some tattoo Hodgins has (although to be honest, I’d rather have that than endure more of her sexual exploits). The investigation is unbelievably perfunctory. Can we just scrap the procedural formula for a while? Let’s have Booth get fired from the FBI and rejoin the Army, and Bones gets sent overseas somewhere and then they meet up again and…something happens. See, already that half-baked idea is better than any of this crap. I just watched this episode and I already forgot all the details about it. Don’t watch it. You’d be better off crawling naked through a field of burning glass. At least that would provoke an emotional response. I hated hated hated hated hated hated hated this episode. I’m using the word hate here…about this episode. This was one of the worst hours of television I’ve ever endured. And I still want to break something.

Season 5, Episode 9: The Gamer in the Grease (originally aired December 3, 2009)

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Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro