Real Housewives of Orange County: No Boys Allowed

How do you spoil a perfectly good “ladies only” weekend? Inviting the husbands is a pretty good start, especially when the husbands in question are misogynistic cavemen like Simon and Jim. And don’t even get me started on Slade…

What started out as Vicki’s well-intentioned girls’ trip turned into an environment so toxic it actually made me feel badly for her when all was said and done. If Vicki thought that taking a tour of the alligator-infested waters of the Everglades was hostile, it was nothing compared to having cocktails with the husbands! There weren’t enough martinis in the entire state of Florida to diffuse the tension between Vicki and Simon, and when Slade spontaneously showed up to surprise Gretchen I thought Vicki’s head would actually explode. That would hardly have been the ugliest head-related drama of the scene, though, since only moments before the men showed up Vicki informed a heavily-medicated Lynne that after enduring her face lift she “didn’t look that much different.” Ouch. Damn, Vicki, she may be all hopped up on meds but even Lynne recognized how insulting that was, and she’s hardly the sharpest tool in the shed.

During their helicopter ride and tour of the Everglades, the women screamed at unnatural decibels, marveled at “Buddy,” their country-fied tour guide and made astute educational observations like, “Look at the balls on that thing!” Classy. Lynne had to miss out on part of the swamp fun (doctor’s orders), but she seemed pretty content to bond with her other friends, Percocet and Vicodin. Did I mention she admitted she apparently has an affinity for ‘shrooms? Lynne is getting more entertaining every week, I swear. Back at the hotel the ladies met up with Alexis and Jim, who came late to the trip. Alexis said she really needed the vacation since she was SO exhausted from being a mommy. Really? I could’ve sworn having an army of nannies left her plenty of extra time for manicures and spinning classes, but OK sure we’ll play along Alexis.

Vicki couldn’t handle feeling left out since the women ruined her trip by making it a couples’ weekend, so she decided to bow out of the late night cocktails and a sunset cruise. Of course, that opened the floodgates for the rest of the crew to verbally bash her, which was pretty low – even for them. Simon swears that Vicki is jealous of his relationship with Tamra – because, you know, there’s so much to be envious of there – while Jim thinks Vicki just needs to always be in control of the situation. Jeez, I wonder why no one likes a control freak…maybe Jim should give her tips on how NOT to be bossy, since he’s so open-minded himself (*insert sarcastic laughter*). It was pretty low that even after Vicki cried about having her feelings hurt by Simon and the other husbands, Tamra still continued to be a part of the verbal smack down all weekend.

Vicki even opted out of the sunset cruise because she felt so alienated. Who wants to be around those icky men anyway? Then Tamra proved what a loyal friend she is by continuing to sit by while Vicki got bashed by the group, and poor Lynne was left to be the world’s biggest 3^rd, er, 7^th wheel. Good thing she didn’t seem to notice, since once her pain medication kicked in she started having full-blown conversations with her imaginary husband and was basically on another planet. Alexis proved that she is a study in contradictions, as she wore a dress not much larger than a pot holder, but still seemed offended by Gretchen grabbing her own boobs and playfully stuffing her shirt. I know the ladies don’t always seem to like each other, but I have to agree with Vicki this week – crashing a vacation that was meant to be all female bonding just because you don’t trust your spouse to travel alone (my bad, because you’ll miss each other too much) is very uncool.

Looks like Vicki might get her wish for more girl time, however, since next week we see the wheels really start to fall off the sham, I mean marriage, between Tamra and Simon. All I know is that I’d love to see less of the husbands (and Slade), and more of Lynne in a narcotic state. Make it happen, Bravo.

For another take on this episode, check out Florid-blah by Liz Cooper.

Season 5, Episode 6: All Girls Weekend (originally aired December 17, 2009)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Tony Avelar