Real Housewives of Orange County: Seriously?

Just curious, what year is it? Judging by the prehistoric way that Tamra and Alexis’ husbands treat them, I could’ve sworn it was the Stone Age. Making matters worse, since there are two controlling jacka**es they obviously think that this type of behavior is totally fine – misery (and idiocy) clearly love company.

One husband who seems to be slightly less ridiculous is Lynne’s man, who endured the simultaneous plastic surgery of his wife and his daughter this week. I felt so badly for him, he was pacing back and forth worrying about his girls. Luckily they both came out of surgery safely, and it appears that Lynne might have even been swapped out in the operating room for a younger, hotter version of herself (plastic, granted, but younger). Usually I think facelifts are a waste of time, but Lynne’s face literally lost 15 years – totally worth the money. Not sure if it was worth the pain, though, as Lynne mumbled incoherently while coming out of sedation and her face looked like it was wrapped in a big white gauze turban. Her daughter Raquel should’ve gotten an attitude transplant while she was getting her nose job; she came out of the procedure sounding positively bratty as she gushed about how good she looked with her new nose. I wonder how she feels about the fact that her mom looks better than her now…

Gretchen hit up motorcycle driving school so that she could be certified to ride the enormous pink bike that Jeff bought her before he died. She said it had taken her a long time to be ready to consider the bike again, but when she got into the class she didn’t exactly seem like the thoughtful widow. She was cracking jokes and goofing around with the guys in her class, while Slade looked like he wanted to build an invisible fence around her. Hands off, other dudes. Too bad she learned how to ride on the motorcycle equivalent of a child’s Hot Wheels toy – wait until you ride your bike, Gretchen, there’s only about a 700 lb difference.

Then she hit up lunch with Tamra to try and make peace before they went on the “girls’ trip” to Florida that Vicki planned for them (more on that later, oy…). Gretchen insisted that she wasn’t fooling around on Jeff with another man before he died (everyone has photos of men with their heads up their skirts, duh Tamra!) and Tamra said she could only be friends if Gretchen removed a nasty blog posting about her from her website. What is it with the Barneys and website apologies? First Simon demands a Facebook apology from Tamra’s son and now this – I’m sure that says something about the state of technology taking over for genuine feelings, but mainly I think it just proves they’re both idiots. Either way, the dust has far from settled between Tamra and Gretchen, so the Florida trip is sure to see some drama (yay!).

Meanwhile, Alexis and Tamra had to get permission from their husbands to go on vacation with the girls to Florida, which of course they wouldn’t allow. I don’t know what’s creepier, the fact that these men are dead serious when they talk about what their wives can and cannot do, or the fact that the women listen and obey. Alexis definitely takes the cake for being the craziest housewife, as evidenced by the non-stop stream of insanity that flows out of her mouth every week. While out to lunch with Gretchen, she called Jim “godly” (excuse me while I throw up on my keyboard) and then explained that the only way to keep the devil (aka temptation) out of their marriage is to not eat, have enormous implants and go for bi-weekly Botox sessions. Right, I think that’s definitely what God had in mind when he made adultery a mortal sin. PS, Alexis if you’re 32 I’m Gisele Bundchen, nice try. At least Simon keeps Tamra’s leash a wee bit longer, since he recently let her return to work in real estate – but only with one of his friends overseeing her.

The decision about Florida was ultimately that the ladies could only go if their husbands went with them. And the women agreed. Why am I not shocked? I guess this is the type of behavior I’d expect from someone like Alexis who brought her two young daughters to get mani-pedis this week and was surprised that the babies cried and hated every second of it. Alexis might’ve been able to ignore their obvious terror and wailing cries as they sat in the salon, but I’m pretty sure the women who work there (and oh, say, every patron in the room) couldn’t block it out. Awesome parenting, Alexis, I hope I have five just like them one day.

On the Vicki front, she hit the jewelry store to buy Don a ring for their 15^th wedding anniversary. I’m not sure if she thinks she’s married to Don Corleone or Don Gunvalson, because the ring she picked out for him was bling that only the Godfather could pull off. I really hope Vicki’s jeweler is a friend of hers, since the woman cracked jokes about Vicki being a b*tch while they shopped, ha. Then Vicki went on a date with her man and he told her how shocked the other husbands were that he wouldn’t be chaperoning his wife on the Florida trip. I felt badly for Don actually, clearly their marriage has had its ups and downs but at least he trusts his wife. While on their golf outing Simon and Jim practically mocked Don for not wanting to go on the girls’ trip. Jerks. I’m pretty sure we’re only an episode or two away from Jim and Simon putting their wives in those baby leash harnesses and making them walk behind them. One thing is for certain, Vicki’s trip hasn’t even happened yet and already it’s out of hand. I hope Alexis and Tamra packed bikinis with prison stripes on them…

For another take on this week’s episode, check out Next Week on the Real Housewives… by Liz Cooper.

Season 5, Episode 5: Friends, Facelifts and Florida (originally aired December 10, 2009)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Tony Avelar