Real Housewives of Orange County: Wigged Out and Liquored Up

Now that Jeana’s gone, the Botox mafia has to keep our attention without her – so what do they do? This week was all about blind dates, teen therapists, drunken wig parties and hash brownies. Oh, and someone goes to jail. Sounds exciting, right? Then why was this episode so boring? Blah…

First we have Vicki, otherwise known as “I am so glad she’s not my mother.” In an attempt to cheer up her daughter Briana, who was mourning a breakup with her long time boyfriend Colby, Vicki decided to set Briana up with Chris, the son of one of her insurance colleagues she met on vacation. Vicki flew Chris out from Indiana to visit their home hoping that sparks would fly between the two, but she didn’t realize that even if they liked each other it would turn into one long awkward date that they couldn’t escape from for 3 days. Plus, the kid looked like Bubba Sparxxx’s identical twin, and there were lots of moments where they had nothing to say to each other. Yikes. Her heart was in the right place, but Vicki should’ve thought this one through a little better. She and Don threw a barbecue to welcome Chris and invited Tamra and Simon, and even Tamra agreed that it was a sketchy idea – see? Even Tamra gets it, duh… I don’t think anyone paid any attention to Chris and Briana anyway, they were too busy watching the tension between Simon and Tamra’s oldest son, Ryan.

Wait, maybe I’m a little late on the uptake here (I didn’t start watching until last season), but why has no one addressed the fact that Tamra has a 23 year-old son?! I think I speak for everyone when I say “Damn, how old is she?” That broad hides her age well; too bad she can’t hide the fact that her family is totally dysfunctional. Simon wasn’t speaking to Ryan and demanded that he apologize on Facebook for borrowing their car without permission 6 months ago. It takes a really mature man to demand an apology on a social networking site; way to be the bigger person, Simon. Granted, he has a point that Ryan seems to be going nowhere with his life, as evidenced by the fact that all Ryan does is shotgun beers and slam tequila. He ultimately admits to Tamra that he is going to serve 5 days in jail to avoid his community service punishment for a past driving infraction. Tamra seems genuinely torn up about her family situation, and yet she makes no attempt to force Ryan to fix his life – here’s an idea, Tamra, it’s called parenting. Maybe you should Google it some time. While you’re at it, maybe you want to Google “divorce lawyer” too. Simon bugs the hell out of me, and I’m not even the one married to him.

Gretchen decided to remove herself from Slade’s side long enough to take a trip of her own this week, as she went to visit her late fiancée Jeff’s kids in Michigan. I don’t pretend to know how hard it must be for their entire family, but Gretchen seems to be selectively mourning, and you know deep down she’s jealous that Jeff’s daughter was left so much money in the will that she refuses to get a job because she “doesn’t have to.” I hope Gretchen stays in the kids’ lives. She may not be the greatest role model, but they don’t seem to have any direction whatsoever so any help is better than none at all.

And in a supremely stupid “filler” story line, Lynne and her husband bring in a therapist to talk to their teen daughters after moving into their new home in Laguna Beach. My bad, she’s not a therapist; she’s a “Youthologist.” W.T.F? The girl basically admitted that she made that word up – clearly the mark of a qualified professional. I think her visit actually helped Lynne’s daughters though, who admitted to feeling totally neglected and partying to excess without their parents’ knowledge. Lynne didn’t know they felt this way, but I’m pretty sure they would’ve told her if only she’d get off her cell phone long enough to ask them. Then it came out that Lynne told her kids that she ate hash brownies when she was younger. Somebody call the “Mother of the Year” people, I think we have a contender over here…

Alexis contributed almost nothing to this episode either. All she did was go out for a date night with her husband, not eat anything, reveal that she’s an unabashed gold digger and then call him a king on camera. Yes, you read that right, a king. He gave her a diamond necklace with her kids’ initials on it (awww) and then repeated several times that it was 7 carats worth of diamonds (eww). He checked up on whether she went to the gym, and she explained to the world that she is afraid to get fat, old or ugly because it would cause her husband to cheat. Maybe you should tell his Highness to screw off, just a though.  No wonder these chicks all feel the need to get blackout drunk every chance they get – they’re trying to forget who they married.

Which brings us to Tamra throwing a housewives drunken Bunco party, where everyone was required to dress like a high-priced call girl – that is why they wore seductive wigs and trench coats with nothing under it, right? Makes total sense.  Tamra tried in vain to explain the rules of the game several times (anyone else never heard of Bunco?), but no one followed a damn thing she said – just drink, girls, just drink. Alexis emerged as an overaggressive competitor, Lynne was confused, and someone licked Tamra’s face. I’d say that qualifies the party as a success, wouldn’t you? I’m hoping next week will bring some real drama, or at least that the housewives get drunk again – they’re more fun that way.

For another take on this week’s episode, check out Bunco’s Gonna Hit the Fan by Liz Cooper.

Season 5, Episode 4: It’s All About Choices (originally aired December 3, 2009)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNealand Isabella Vosmikova