American Idol: Hooray for Hollywood/Don’t Mess With Texas

The ninth season of cultural juggernaut American Idol is well underway as this week takes us to the fifth and sixth rounds of preliminary auditions. As per usual, judging panel Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi and host Ryan Seacrest are accompanied by celebrity guest judges, my reactions to whom range from two enthusiastic thumbs up, to a shoulder-shrugging “meh.”  We’ll get to them shortly.

Lights, camera and action as Tuesday’s cattle call sets up shop in Los Angeles, the mothership to all delusional famewhores and, as Ryan points out, home to American Idol itself. Fitting. Seacrest’s ubiquitous greeting (you know, “…and THIS. Is AMERICAN. IDOL.” That one.) for today’s installment is bellowed into a mic at the KIIS FM studios at, so he says, 6:57 a.m., seemingly on the air. Really? I think it’s a big setup to further drive the point home that Seacrest is indeed a multi-tasker of inhuman proportions. Honestly, I think the man must be some kind of alien, because there is no mathematical possibility he sleeps. Perhaps he is one of many Seacrest clones. Perhaps I’ll get back to the episode.

Our guest judge for day one in Los Angeles is Avril Lavigne, the successful pop-rock tart whose peak of fame occurred half a decade or so ago. Today, she re-emerges on A.I. to remind us she still exists. I admit a couple of her hits are catchy, and she certainly doesn’t totally suck as a singer, but the time she publicly mispronounced David Bowie’s name forever tarnished her credibility as a serious musician with me. That aside, she arrives with an upbeat attitude, remarking how intimidating the vibe on set is and how auditioning for the show must be hard.

Starting things off with a bang, we meet Neil Goldstein, his hair and his I.Q. He is the world’s oldest-looking 19-year-old, seemingly unaware of his Barry Gibb coif, but unapologetically aware of his intelligence quotient of 168. That pretty much makes him a genius, he says, and he’s also probably into just about anything you can name. I’ll take your word on that, Neil. He proceeds to draw a heart on the bathroom mirror with what appears to be lipstick. He is wearing a vest. He needs to be seen to be believed.

Neil informs the justifiably skeptical judges he will be singing “Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through” by Meat Loaf, and barely gets one audible sound out of his mouth before he stops abruptly, shuffles around with nervous awkwardness, and decides to start over. It’s predictably terrible, and Neil is predictably shocked with the judges’ negative reactions. Simon asks Neil how he thought he sounded, and Neil replies, “ I liked the way I sounded, I really did.” We know this already, as do the judges, but what comes next is an honest surprise for everyone as Neil starts to sweat profusely, panic, and demand to be given the green light to Hollywood. He firmly stands his self-righteous ground, wagging his finger while spewing forth The Secret-type affirmations such as “There is no reality but what we make for ourselves,” and the like. Then, Simon calls security and Neil disappears, hopefully, out of my life and yours for all eternity. The judges proceed to comment on Neil’s astounding perspiration, and the show pushes forth.

Next is Jim Ranger, a 27-year-old pastor, father, husband and Edwin McCain look-a-like from Bakersfield who sings a song he wrote called “Drive”. Usually, the busting out of an original song automatically registers as Uh-Oh on the foreshadowing meter, but beforehand we caught a glimpse into the life of Jim and his family at home, courtesy of the A.I. camera crew. The trouble of following a contestant to his house and/or work and documenting a snippet of his existence often usurps the original song rule, thus meaning he’s probably going to Hollywood. Verdict? He emits a genuinely warm, on-key, Bible-Belt friendly twang, and I’m pleased for him. Simon says he is “authentic” and gives him a yes, but Avril is dubious, wondering out loud why a man proudly devoted to his church and family would want to leave his responsibilities behind indefinitely to chase a dream of pop-star success. She has a point, I guess, but her doubts are cast aside and Jim is given a coveted Golden Ticket. Aw, shucks.

After the first commercial break, we are shown a montage of the embarrassing crap-fest L.A. had to offer the judges most of the day, and the next featured contestant, sandwich-maker Damien Lefavor is no exception. He looks like an extra from the “Dick in a Box” SNL video, and is intent on the audience understanding his mastery of martial arts. Apparently, being a martial artist does not necessarily render one a violent person, as Damien points out when he says he is also a pacifist. Whatever. Neither the stealthiest of ninja moves nor proving himself a reincarnation of Ghandi will get him out of the fact he can’t sing.

After Simon tells Damien to take a hike, a cleverly placed medley of contestants with their children is shown in order to properly transition us to Burbank resident Mary Powers. She has an eight-year-old daughter who is the light of her life, of course, and a big fan of Simon’s. Mary sufficiently belts out Pat Benetar’s “Love is a Battlefield,” admittedly a very hard song to sing a cappella, but her over-eagerness to dress the part (she ends up looking like Adam Lambert in detention with The Breakfast Club) takes her down a couple of notches in my book, and Simon’s. No one likes an obvious poseur, except for Kara, apparently, who is almost foaming at the mouth with glee.

Yes times four to Mary, complete with a warning from Simon to tone down the 80s rebel act, and we are, appropriately, next introduced to the stampede of wannabe Glamberts we all saw coming miles away. A.J. Mendoza and his flaming-guitar belt buckle is today’s showcased member of this group. He chooses to sing Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality,” which would be kind of interesting and cool, if he were at all interesting and cool — or musically talented. The judges are aghast with morbid curiosity at A.J.’s apparent ability to sing without moving his mouth. A.J. asks if the negative reaction is a “visual thing or a sound thing”. Simon replies that it is “a both thing”. HA! Avril gives A.J. a resounding “absolutely not!” as opposed to a more demure “no.” Well. I guess that’s that.

Next we visit the Moreno Valley, CA, home of Andrew Garcia, 23, and his neck tattoo and newsboy cap. I already know he’s going to end up in Hollywood because I can see his kitchen table, and his dad crying. Insert adorable baby, and legitimately good audition, and we will officially be seeing more of Andrew. Good for him.

Moving on. In walks Tasha Layton, a 26-year-old personal assistant by day, pastor by night. She must be a graduate of the Seacrest School of Functioning Insomnia. She’s pretty in a bohemian, flowy-skirt, flower-behind-her-ear kind of way, and snaps along to her quite pleasant version of Joss Stone’s “Baby, Baby, Baby”. The judges are all about it, and Simon can see her being a fan favorite. I can see it too, and it is here I consciously find myself already starting to miss Simon and his snotty-but-always-right douchebaggery.

I should also point out that we have now entered day two of the L.A. auditions, where Katy Perry and her cleavage have replaced Avril and her sk8er getup. Katy clearly wants (and tries) to be as always right as Simon — as evidenced in her repeated efforts to disagree with Kara — but ends up being upstaged by her makeup and low-cut top, the latter of which is pointed out by the day’s last train wreck, Jason Greene.

Many other recaps of this episode have surely devoted copious space to Jason and his Buffalo-Bill-meets-Jeffrey-Dahmer-like creepiness, but I’ll save us all a wide margin of ick factor and sum it up by mentioning three key points:

1.     His choice of song is “I Touch Myself”.

2.     He and Simon exchange a thinly veiled double entendre regarding Jason’s desire to become the next American Idol and his willingness to perform oral sex in order to make his dream come true.

3.     Katy Perry says she feels “dirty” afterwards. Even Katy Perry herself admits it takes something pretty filthy to elicit that kind of response from her.

Jason slinks out the door with a truly terrifying “See you next year”, gives Ryan his phone number (!) and the editors wisely choose to balance out the epic grossness with the Hallmark-worthy story of Chris Golightly and his childhood of revolving foster homes. Chris and his troubled soul fight back tears as the judges rehash his life story, and he, in turn, smoothly croons the reliably-effective “Stand By Me,” and it works like a charm.

And with that, the sun sets over the Pacific, and we move on to the Lone Star State for day six of pandemonium-causing initial try-outs.

The episode opens with Seacrest on the roof of a very tall building (trying to overcompensate for something, perhaps?) in downtown Dallas, and the reminder that the very first American Idol winner, Miss Kelly Clarkson, was discovered here. Randy and Simon are in a limousine making its way to Cowboy Stadium, guessing whom the guest judges might be. Richard Simmons and Clint Eastwood are discussed (because they both make sense?), and the latter badly impersonated. Much to my delight, and to everyone else in the world with taste, the next shot is of Neil Patrick Harris chatting with Kara in all his NPH glory. Smell ya later, Lavigne! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Perry! Neil Patrick Harris’ credentials are then flashed across the screen, from all the way back to Doogie (which, admittedly, isn’t much of an A.I.-related credential) to his more current reign over Broadway and the Emmys (take that, naysayers!). Okay. Bring on the first monstrosity.

Julie Kevelighan first tried out for American Idol back in season one, and she has apparently spent the last few years…being the exact same person. Whaddya know. A clip of her first tryout (an unequivocal butchering of “Lady Marmalade”) is shown as a reminder, and today she looks exactly the same, but with a lot more makeup and sequins. The whole ensemble reeks of small-town Glamour Shots, and she also arrives equipped with a sad, cue-card-sized sign stating “This is my year”, but we all know, of course, it is not. She enters the room as though she had practiced this a million times at home with a dictionary on her head, and NPH musters a bewildered, half-hearted “…sparkle..??” as his greeting. Simon feels the need to make sure she made the sign herself. She did. The panel discusses her first efforts in Dallas back in 2002, and Julie assures us all that since then she has taken singing and acting lessons, apparent in her blatant over-enunciation of every syllable she utters. Today, Julie has decided to sing “Black Velvet,” and I am already cringing with anticipation. The song is virtually unrecognizable, and Randy starts laughing. It really isn’t funny, so as far as I’m concerned, Randy and his ten-word-vocabulary can suck it.

The judging panel gives it to Julie straight, and the poor girl responds by starting to sing “Over the Rainbow,” then “Something to Talk About” on her way out the door. She tells Ryan she knew she blew it, and could have prevented such a disaster if she had only paid attention to her breathing. I, personally, feel sick, and can’t wait for this blasphemy to be over.

After the commercial break, we learn that, overall, Dallas has treated the ladies well, therefore we must be due for a talented fella to come along. Cue Lloyd “Big S-S-S-exxxy” Thomas and his criminally undersized tie. I am initially suspicious of Lloyd, my doubt solidified by his wardrobe and pathetic display of pop-and-lock, but wait! Here’s footage of Lloyd working as an airport dock loader and holding a teeny daughter– could he have what it takes? He also scores points with me when he says, “The worst part about the job that I have…is probably the job that I have.”  Hee. He drops the cool-dude act when talking about his kids, and starts to seem like a pretty down-to-earth, likable guy. He sings “Overjoyed,” by Stevie Wonder, and Kara’s tearing up before he’s through the first measure. NPH is displaying a fixed gaze of stern wonderment, Randy likes his “positivity,” and Simon declares Lloyd his favorite audition of the day. Word! Lloyd says he can taste victory, and apparently, it’s finger-lickin’ good. All right, eww, but I’m rooting for him already.

Next, we are given further evidence of an apparent pattern of the guest judge sparring with their counterpart on the permanent panel, this time with a montage of NPH and Simon disagreeing on contestant after contestant. I’m sure this is just a time-filler courtesy of the editors, especially after the Western duel music chimes in, but here to drive the point home comes Kimberly Carver, 26, a school teacher with an original tune. No “at home” footage paired with her own song sparks a blip on my Uh-Oh radar, but she turns out to be perfectly charming and nicely voiced. Hooray! NPH, Randy and Kara love her, but Simon points out her uninteresting appearance (a.k.a. she’s not hot enough for him), and reluctantly gives her the fourth yes as long as she promises to bring sexy back in Hollywood.

Local Dallas news coverage of the Idol auditions is shown, spanning the crowd of 11,000, the Cowboy cheerleaders, and various random contestants, one of them being Dexter Ward, a stammering, tongue-tied ignoramus trying to look like Kanye West but ending up a terrifying hybrid of a “My Prerogative”-era Bobby Brown and MC Hammer. His song choice is Shai’s “If I Ever Fall in Love Again,” a ditty I would never have given another thought to for the rest of my life if this weirdo hadn’t reminded me of it. He’s lispy and awful, and kept winking at the camera. Over. And over. And over. He asks to sing another song, like all the delusional no-talents do, and NPH takes control to end everyone’s misery by asking for a final judgment. Four resounding noes, but a jilted Simon inexplicably feels the need to tell Dexter his smile will take him far in life, or something to that effect.

Dexter makes it outside the room before the tears start flowing, and then we are treated to a visual attack of a collection of rejects crying left and right. Ryan interrupts the pity party to ask NPH how the gig is going. He responds by saying he is surprised by the amount of talent, and I am genuinely surprised by this response. Hopefully this means some talent is coming next.

I’m initially weary of Erica Rhodes due to her dominatrix costume — whip included — until she mentions she was a former child actor on Barney. BARNEY. I’m flummoxed by this revelation, and this girl is officially an interesting case – I also can’t help but laugh when she makes it clear she wants to distinguish herself from her past, as though she gets recognized on a regular basis. The outfit gets the judges’ attention immediately, and I can’t wait to hear her sing, but the audition is rendered anti-climactic when the whole Barney deal is brought up and they have her belt out that god-awful theme song before she does anything else. Thus, we find out she can sing before she’s actually supposed to sing. I bet she’s annoyed, too. Anyway, her choice is En Vogue’s “Free Your Mind,” which helps the getup make more sense, and she’s honestly quite good. All four judges send her through and we then have the pleasure of meeting Erica’s mother, a Stage Parent of the highest order, living her dreams vicariously through her child, as evidenced by her jumping up and down and mugging for the camera with the Golden Ticket as though it were her own.

The final contestant of Dallas: Day One must have some kind of sob story, simply because we haven’t had one yet. Meet Dave Edmond of Arkansas – he has Tourette’s syndrome. Now, this isn’t the urban-myth type of Tourette’s where the sufferer screams obscenities at inopportune times, made popular by lowbrow Hollywood comedies. Rather, Dave’s is more a subtle variety complete with facial twitches and constant throat clearing. The icing on the cake is the unexplained miracle that Dave’s symptoms don’t surface when he sings. Oh, and let’s not forget the video of Dave At Home, riding his lawn mower and fishing with Dad. This guy is in like Flynn. He sings “Bring it on Home to Me,” and Kara is slowly shaking her head in amazement. NPH thinks he has a “cool look” (I’ll choose this as the moment to tell you Dave’s t-shirt is tucked into his jeans) and overall, they all think he’s just gee-whiz terrific.

That’s curtains for the first half of Dallas auditions, and, sadly, NPH. Today brings us the insights of Joe Jonas, the non-curly-haired, arguably prettiest third of the tween fantasy Jonas Brothers. Meh. Our first contestant is no stranger to the biz, as we learn he was a backup singer for Fantasia, third season Idol winner, in The Color Purple. Todrick Hall is his name, and he can do one hell of a back flip. He’s bringing us another original song, and it’s a rhyming, limerick-esque jingle about his journey on the road to becoming the next American Idol. I totally fell for it. So did the judges, save for Simon, who liked him but said he wasn’t “jumping out of his chair”. No matter. See you in the top 12, Todrick!

Day two is off to a good start as we catch fleeting glimpses of a medley of yeas, none of whom are shown long enough to rehash any vital information about. I think I caught a bandana in there somewhere. The next focus is Meagan Wright, a 20-year-old who is apparently the legal guardian of her little brother since their parents got divorced and remarried to other people. These new spouses are adverse to children? Why does she have to raise her brother? There’s clearly more to this story, but we’re not going to get it. The point is, can she sing? My guess is probably, although Kara and I are not fans of her outfit, a tank top with “Break the Rules” in gigantic font and white cutoff shorts. She sings “To Make You Feel My Love,” and everyone is duly impressed. Kara confesses that, upon first impression, she was expecting a joke. Randy gives “something-percent” as his answer for the umpteenth time, Simon likes her outfit and her, and little bro is thrilled.

There’s just way too much talent happening in Dallas today, so to help remind everyone we’re watching the beginning episodes of American Idol, in prances Vanessa Johnston in her hot pink jazzercise ensemble, singing the Etta James classic “At Last”. She somewhat staggers around the room during the performance, points her fingers in no particular direction, and is completely aware of her ridiculousness. Simon tells her she is the living embodiment of his nightmares, and Vanessa thinks it’s hilarious, reminding everyone that means he’s at least dreaming of her.

It’s contestants like Vanessa Johnston that give Simon his sour demeanor, according to the next time-filling segment that both explains how these judges have to endure atrocity after atrocity and simultaneously pokes fun at them because they have more money than Fort Knox. Several shots of “poor Simon” exiting his private jet, putting his arm around a babe, lounging at one of his many languid pools and being an all-around rich, smug jerk are actually pretty funny taken in context of the satire.

Finally, we’re gearing up for the money shot, a 16-year old cancer survivor named Christian Spear whose family all wear t-shirts with what looks like her potential album cover emblazoned on its front. Christian had leukemia as a small child but has been in remission for the last eight years, and will apparently let her mother milk this for every last drop (I’m in no way minimizing the amazing feat of surviving cancer, by the way, folks. Good for her, seriously, but this is American Idol). She’s pretty and unassuming and, unlike peculiar pink train wreck Vanessa, can sing an Etta James song. Drum roll please…a “billion” percent yes from Randy (seriously, dude, a thesaurus would be a wise investment) and a confirmation of both talent and maturity from Kara and Simon. Jonas hasn’t done much but nod and offer monosyllabic chortles and grunts and glimpses of his pearly whites, but I suppose he doesn’t really need to do much else.

And that’s all for Week Three, folks! Next week Idol visits the Mile-High-City and we’re one step closer to ending the audition process and getting to the nitty gritty of what makes A.I. so enjoyable to watch. I know I’ll be waiting with breath that is bated.

For another opinion about these episodes, check out Invasion of the Guest Judges by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 5 & 6: Auditions: Los Angeles & Dallas (Originally aired January 26 & 27, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company, CBS and IMDbPro.