Bachelor: Team Ali vs. Team Vienna

Pick now.

I’m clearly sporting my Team Ali shirt over here, but with that said, is she a bit of a bitch or is it just me? I guess it’s good that she just says it like it is to the other girls rather than talk behind their backs, but things are getting a little too rational on this show. It’s like ever since The Enforcer stepped in Jake and the girls have been no-nonsense about their intentions and their feelings. They do all know this is a reality show, right? With Jake knocking the crazies and the bitches out of the lineup, what do we have to look forward to?

Let’s back up to where this mess started: Vienna. You are Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. You look like her and in your “get to know me” intro you were on a yacht with a small dog and talked about how daddy pays for everything and everything around you is pink. Not cute pink, but Pepto-Bismol pink. The only thing that could possibly be redeeming about you was if you had a fabulous brother/sidekick like Ashley did in HSM so you could spontaneously break into song and dance. But you don’t. I was over you before I knew you. But unfortunately Jake picked you for a one-on-one date and I had to get to know you a little bit. Your date was the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Jake took you to go bungee jumping even though you are both deathly afraid of heights. You were getting that rose as long as neither of you crapped on one another or smashed your skulls into the boulders after the jump. You did a great job consoling Jake while he tweaked out, but so did the burly man that Jake had his arm around, so NO POINTS FOR YOU, VIENNA. Of course that was a bonding experience, because neither of you died while doing something terrifying together. But doing crazy stuff for ratings conquering your fears does not a couple make.

Some more info on Vienna while viewers try to determine allegiances: all the other girls hate her. Michelle even dislikes Vienna for being the complete opposite of what she sees herself as, which is very attractive. That’s right, someone who just escaped a mental lock-up called Vienna ugly. If that doesn’t convince you all to dump Vienna, how about that fact that Corrie used her stand-up time at the comedy club as a platform for making fun of Vienna hard core, while all the other women more or less shouted “hallelujah” for Corrie speaking the truth. If that’s not enough, how about my girl Gia (no idea why, but I am suddenly obsessed with Gia?) calling her out for sucking and everyone hating her in a totally diplomatic (read: drunken) way, of course. If you aren’t buying your Ali buttons now, how about the heartless move of Vienna taking one-on-one time away from an emotional Elizabeth even though she already had a rose. That’s right, Vienna: -320948, Ali: 4.

Ok, so maybe Ali isn’t the perfect remedy to Vienna, but she is still the front runner in my mind. She is flirting with that bitch/strong line pretty heavily, but I am still going to maintain that she is just a confident, real girl who doesn’t like BS. Meh? So maybe it seemed like she picked a lot of fights this week, but she still gets my vote.

Let’s do a quick run through of the other notable gals this week:

-Ella: could there be one more helicopter date? I thought it was a little too much too soon with Jake bringing Ella’s son in for their first real date, but it seemed to be smooth sailing (get it, like a paper plane? because we are into aviation this season!!!!). Their date was perfectly blah, from the Sea World activities to Ella’s inexplicable outfit changes, it was all like watching the video part of the TV Guide channel… just kind of there.

-Tenley: couldn’t love her more right now. Unless she was Ali. She got all the ex-husband stuff out on the table and was so effing cute about it. This girl can do no wrong in my book.

-Ashleigh: you should have drank more on your date. Then maybe you wouldn’t have had a panic attack about the comedy thing. Truth be told, I would have cried too. But good thing you didn’t get trashed because you were composed and funny on stage. Or maybe that is just what you are like when you are hammered? If so, I like you even more. Touche.

-Michelle: I guess she couldn’t stay with us forever with the same psychotic gimmick. Who let her on this show? I don’t even think she knew who Jake was. She just sensed some male genitalia without a wedding band around and was hooked. She wanted a husband and grand kids for her mom and didn’t care who they were coming from. I thought it was hilarious how disappointed she was with her kiss from Jake, and I was a little shocked when Jake actually sent her packing after her multiple threats of leaving. Enforcer, this is the least dramatic season of The Bachelor ever. Everything is so civil! I will miss ya though, cray cray.

-Valishia: You were on this show?

-Elizabeth: Whew, dodged a bullet there, Jakey. I can’t believe Jake really got rid of Elizabitch after calling her out on being a tease. I thought she would be around for at least one more ambiguous episode. She totally missed the point of Jake’s frustration and thought that she should have just kissed him… or did she? I did not understand or like this girl.

And that’s all I got! Next week we have a bus ride down the California coast with Ali, Tenley and Vienna to look forward to. And in case you needed another reason to dislike Vienna (not that you do), but she says in the preview that being stuck on a bus with Ali and Tenley is hell. How could anyone hate a puppy?

Season 14, Episode 3 (originally aired January 18, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC and Greg Zabilski.