Real Housewives: Real Deep

(read: shallow and catty)

Like most weeks watching this show, I felt like I was back in middle school. Somehow, this week became middle school in Orange County. There were whole meetings and meals dedicated to drama control, a discussion about hating drama, and a sleepover complete with tears and TPing. The only differences between this episode and a typical week in middle school were the size of boobs and the easy access to booze.

The happenings at OCMS included a really tense and awkward issue with Gretchen and Lynne. Lynne was pissed and peeved about Gretchen’s shopping trip with Alexa that turned into a shrink session. Lynne felt offended that Gretchen would dare offer her daughter life advice, when really G was just trying to give Alexa an outlet from her insane and vapid family members. I am totally on Gretchen’s side here (duh). Lynne is so stupid sometimes that I can hardly listen to her (coupled with the fact that I can hardly look at her from all the plastic surgery makes me think that she has had her run on this show). She is so defensive about Alexa and her parenting skills that it is kind of clear something is amiss, and she seems to have totally forgotten about how she had a paid professional come in to talk to her daughters a few episodes back because she couldn’t do it herself. So, yeah, she needs some help. Alexa was rightfully freaked out from the way Gretchen approached her about the problem, but I still think Gretchen’s heart was in the right place (I just had a break through: maybe Gretchen is the only one that still has a heart because she hasn’t had anyone tamper with her juggs? Proximity argument? Thoughts?).

Anyway, after the awkward walk Gretchen and Lynne had where L said G has no right to give advice when she still acts like a child herself, G did the only thing a middle schooler can do when her girlfriends are being bitchy: she formulated a plan of attack with her boyfriend. Slade and Gretchen invited Lynne and her husband over for dinner to smooth things over. G and L talked about their earlier argument and decided…nothing? Slade tried to talk about how as Lynne’s friend he is going to say things that sometimes upset her, but that is because he is a real friend. I was just sitting there wondering when they became friends, but middle schoolers are fickle that way. So yeah, nothing was really solved and Alexa is no closer to having a positive adult role model.

Meanwhile, Alexis said some really stupid stuff this episode. While at the spa with her nonhousewive friend, we got to hear about how Alexis just hatessssssss drama. Don’t you love how only the ones who cause drama say that? Damn it, Alexis, why do you have to be such a cliche? She also talked about how she feels pressure to be perfect around her husband all the time (isn’t the reason for marriage so you can start eating carbs and wearing sweatpants without makeup?) and later revealed that her husband has never changed a diaper in his life. I can’t decide if I dislike Jim or Alexis more after learning this information.

Tamra had a super duper week this week, as she finally got her son Ryan and Simon in the same room. After talking to Ryan about exciting job prospects and getting his life in order, he came over to Tam Tam’s a few days later and apologized to Simon for stealing the car when they were on vacay. This interaction was so uncomfortable that I had to leave the room for a second. If that wasn’t awkward enough, Ryan doesn’t acknowledge his half-siblings at all. It’s like he literally thinks they are the spawn of Satan. Guess he isn’t kidding when he says he hates Simon.

Before I get into the sleepover, I just need to comment on the array of sparkly tube/halter/ugly tops that the ladies wear in their interviews? Who okay-ed these? Come on, Bravo!!!!!

Anyway, Vicki kicked Don out of the house for a girl’s sleepover, complete with dinner, drinks, a clairvoyant, and toilet-papering Jeana’s house. They all seemed to get along and bond, even though no one was into the psychic except Tamra (because he said she was smart and pretty) and Vicki (because she paid for it). All the readings seemed pretty accurate, especially Alexis’s since it was all about how she feels the need to be perfect all the time and needs to let go sometimes, especially for her kids. She had the stupidest best excuse for not believing in the reading, being that she is a committed Christian and doesn’t believe in that stuff. Yeah, someone on earth having otherworldly powers does seem cuckoo, Alexis. In the end no one slept over because they have beds back home and Jeana didn’t retaliate for the vandalization. So I guess the evening wasn’t totally middle school, but close enough.

I’m kind of starting to think that these episodes follow the same formula as Oprah: all the good stuff happens before the first commercial break. The rest is just filler (at least we don’t have “remembering your spirit” with this one). Until next week, you know you love me, oo (this is middle school, no kisses yet).

Season 5, Episode 8: Let Bygones Be Bygones (originally aired January 14, 2010)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Mitchell Haaseth