The Bachelor: Shut it Down.

Just putting it out there: Rozlyn. I called it.

Let’s start with the craziest first and then get progressively more heartwarming with this one. Rozlyn is a skank. I knew that she would be the center of the big controversy in the previews from last week, and I knew that she wouldn’t be able to keep it in her pants with so many extra men hanging around. Leave it to Chris “The Enforcer” Harrison to step in and let her know what’s what in The Bachelor world. Was it me or did he kind of get choked up? Was it me or is anyone else in love with Chris? Rozlyn looked like a dik-dik in headlights and acted like she had no idea what was going on slash did nothing wrong, even though Chris was trying to be as classy as possible about her hooking up with a staff member. I knew this was coming, didn’t I tell you she looked like Jenna Jameson?! Anyway, Rozlyn getting kicked off and being a weird robot about it wasn’t nearly as annoying or surprising as how Jake acted around her. He totally fell for her sleazy sell and all I could think was whyyyyyyy? She isn’t interesting or mysterious, Jake, she has huge knockers and no body fat, which does make her mysterious in the sense of “huh, I wonder how she doesn’t fall over,” or “hmm does she kiss so aggressively because she is trying to suck calories out of my mouth to survive?” A keeper she was not, and, well, good riddance to you, Roz. Good thing Chris was there to save the day.

Next on the bad list is Elizabeth. Vom. I can’t believe I failed to mention this before, but she is Janice Dickinson without being as interesting. I hated her stupid note to Jake and I hate that he fell for it, again, under the guise of being intriguing. Her name should be Elizabarf or Elizatease because she is the biggest tease in the world and makes me want to barf. I can’t believe that she really had the balls to tell Jake she didn’t want to be kissed until she was the last girl standing, then bragged about being such a good kisser and asked if he wanted to make out with her forehead. Ugh I’m so over you. Go back to Nebraska.

Side note, did anyone else find it weird that Jake loved spending time with the ladies at the amusement park because they knew how to have fun like 12-year-old girls?

Moving on with Vienna. I can’t look at her without thinking Ashley Tisdale, which unfortunately increases her annoying factor by about 4. She did a good job of establishing herself as annoying slash crazy on her own though by revealing her engaged & underage days and later elopement/divorce to a different man. And she is only 23. And she is still on the show after telling Jake this and not having time to explain. Jaaaaaake whyyyyyy.

Michelle is mental. Enough said, just look into the eyes. Not for too long though.

Tenley is still so cute. I want to put her in a basket like a bunny and deliver daisies to strangers all day. I hope she gets enough alone time with Jake to explain the whole virgin/marriage/cheating/divorce hurdle to get here.

Ali is still number one! She had the super cheesy one-on-one date with Jake, and she didn’t need Depends or Xanax on the tiny airplane, so I’m pretty proud of my girl. The only real critique I have of that date was what the hell was Chicago doing there? And why in a field? Whatever, it was so cute. Jake is so cute, who knew!

And finally, a premature farewell to Xtina. I’m glad that she went out semi-humbly and semi-drunk. I’m looking forward to her on the reunion show even though she had such a short run. Until next week, here’s to you, Chris Harrison. Thanks for keeping the peace.

Season 14, Episode 2 (originally aired January 11, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC and Greg Zabilski.