American Idol: Bad Showmance

Finally, after four weeks of watching this year’s assortment of delusional masochists attempt to sing on national television, the ninth season of American Idol finds its much-needed traction and takes us to the Kodak Theater for the first round of what I consider to be the start of the actual competition. Yep, it’s Hollywood Week, and not a moment too soon.

Seacrest informs us more than 100,000 people showed up for the perfunctory nationwide auditions this year, and only 181 of those were handed a coveted Golden Ticket. While we’re treated to a montage of The Chosen Ones at their respective day jobs (“I’m a receptionist, but I could be the next American Idol!”), I take a moment to consider the statistic Seacrest has just presented. According to my calculations, less than two tenths of one percent of initial stadium-fillers actually made it to Hollywood. While I do revel in my blatant aversion of the preliminary tryouts, I have to humbly acknowledge their necessity. There’s simply no way to neutralize the mutating epidemic of talentless people who think they deserve fame and fortune. However, there is certainly more than one way to make sure they don’t end up on my TV. I would personally love to start the season with Hollywood Week, but I admit, to my chagrin, such a system would have caused me to miss such glorious moments in entertainment as guest judge NPH and “Pants on the Ground.” I guess there are chinks in the armor of my pretentious cynicism, after all.

This year’s Hollywood Week comes with the added bonus of Ellen DeGeneres, whose status as Paula Abdul’s replacement was met with much scrutiny and anticipation. During a medley of upcoming judges’ comments, our first glimpse of Ellen is paired with the obligatorily stale sound bite, “That was amazing.” Off to a rousing start, I see. We’re also shown Kara telling someone they could be the potential winner, and Simon declaring he, “hated everything about that,” which I assume is in reference to a contestant’s performance and not the Cobb salad at Chili’s, Ishtar, or anything else he may not have liked at some point.

After a quick reminder from Seacrest that these 181 hopefuls will soon be dwindled to the Top 24, he turns to the contestants and informs them this will “no doubt” be the “toughest week of their lives” because (here it comes) “THIS is Hollywood Week. And THIS! is AMERICAN IDOL!!”

It’s 7:00 a.m. in Los Angeles, and the contestants are all bundles of nerves and excitement upon arrival, formulating their strategies and philosophies toward their impending performances. Examples? “I’m ready to do what I gotta do…do my best,” articulates Andrew Garcia. A young, vaguely familiar blonde reminds herself aloud that there are “hundreds of people, and I have to stand out.” Hee.

Everyone is now seated inside the Kodak as the judges appear, including Ellen, making her grand entrance to a cacophony of applause – from both the theater and my living room. She briefly addresses the contestants by touching on some perceptions that she is unqualified for this gig because of her inexperience in the music industry. Despite this, she says, she does “know what it’s like to stand on stage and please a room full of people.”  Word. After a cutaway of Ellen joking with Seacrest, the judges are seated at their panel as Simon bears the brunt of Ellen teasing him about leaving the show just as she gets started. So far, everything Ellen is funny, relevant and good-natured, thus her transition is like butter. Paula who?

Next, Seacrest explains the format of today’s auditions. The contestants go on stage in groups of eight; each performs individually (they have the choice to use an instrument or go a cappella), and then, after the judges deliberate, the group rejoins to face sudden-death elimination. The first group’s focus is on freckled Katie Stevens, 17, who auditioned in Boston and told the story of her Alzheimer’s-ridden grandmother. She looks even younger than she actually is and tries a little too hard to have “stage presence,” but no one can argue with that voice. Simon says she’s “quite good” and Randy agrees, noting her “great natural talent.”

Also in Katie’s group we see an Atlanta tryout whose name is Antonio but he chooses to call himself Skiiboski. He sings “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and certainly doesn’t suck vocally, but Ellen says he’s pacing back and forth like a “leopard in a cage,” and should try not to frighten his audience. Katie’s invited to stay and Skiiboski is told to take a hike. When Skiiboski asks the judges what it was that got him the boot, Simon tells him it’s because he’s not a good singer. However, in light of Skiiboski’s now-publicized criminal background, I beg to differ. I do, however, agree with Randy (!) when he says the name has got to go.

Performances ensue and, for the second time, we see the same cryptic clip of Simon saying he “hated everything about that,” this time to illustrate the more specific point that he’s in a bad mood and “on the warpath,” according to Seacrest. The presence of Ellen is a much-needed balance, as she is able to more successfully “sugarcoat” necessary criticism. One girl, God knows why, is onstage barefoot, and Ellen calmly recommends the use of shoes because “Hollywood is a disgusting town.” Instead of bursting into tears or copping a ‘tude, as she would have if anyone else on Earth had told her being barefoot was gross, the girl (and everyone else) laughed and no condescension or humiliation was required. Brilliant.

In the next group, we encounter down-home country girl Vanessa Wolfe who had a rollicking audition in Atlanta that sparked major buzz from the get-go. Her Southern authenticity had the judges initially charmed, and we see a flashback to Vanessa living in her tiny Tennessee hometown where she jumps off bridges for fun and doesn’t “go to the movies or the mall or nuthin’.” This opportunity, which included riding on an “aero-plane,” renders her beyond nervous into the realm of truly terrified. The poor girl is barely keeping it together as she waits her turn to perform. It doesn’t help when California boy Andrew Garcia takes the mic with his guitar to do an acoustic version of Paula’s 90s hit “Straight Up.”

In case you’ve been trapped under something heavy the past couple of days and haven’t heard about this, check it out immediately. I remember Andrew from his first audition – I wrote him off as a decent-voiced emo kid and paid no further attention – and, I must say, this time I sat straight up (I know, sorry). While it is the trendy thing to do these days to take an upbeat pop song and “unplug” it, so to speak, this was both a risky and shrewd move on Andrew’s part and I’m now thoroughly convinced he’s the real deal. Randy gives a knowing chuckle when he recognizes the song, and Kara is all over it like white on rice, calling the rendition “genius,” which it isn’t, of course, but very well played indeed, and I’m duly impressed. Ellen hilariously impersonates Paula’s over-the-head seal clap, which is her way of saying Paula would approve.

Now, back to Vanessa the train wreck who is about ready to pass out – I wouldn’t want to follow Andrew either – but manages to sing a couple bars of Blind Melon’s “No Rain.” It’s just ghastly. Her signature twang is as present as ever, but her demeanor is joyless, her charisma is nonexistent, and I begin to wonder what the hell she’s doing there in the first place. She knows she blew it, and Ellen telling her to embrace her unique spirit, blah blah blah, doesn’t help and she simpers back to Tennessee.

It’s now 3:30 p.m. and a trio of hopefuls are shown the door as Meagan Wright and her keyboard are “all over the place,” according to Kara, Cornelius Edwards makes no sense (I actually wrote “huh?” in my notes), and guido extraordinaire Amedeo DiRocco prepares to look for extra work on Jersey Shore.

Next, Janell Wheeler, one of several requisite pretty blondes this season, busts out an acoustic version of Estelle’s “American Boy” (trend alert!) and I find it perfectly acceptable. Ellen thought it was “amazing,” and Simon gives a succinct “well done.”

Despite Janell’s aptitude for the guitar, the next segment provides an opportunity to showcase those contestants who thought merely choosing to use an instrument would garner brownie points, not fully realizing that being able to play it is the actual piece de resistance to reap proper accolades. Nestled in this collection of disaster is an enthusiastic blonde accompanying “Something to Talk About” with her plucky keyboard skills. She is the apparent actual subject of Simon’s current disdain – in short, what he “hated everything about” – brought up throughout the show, as The Clip is shown a third time, shoving his comment in her general direction. Ouch.

The judges’ tepid response to some of the instrument usage makes Haeley Vaughn, the African-American country-pop hopeful, nervously clutch her guitar. Luckily, Haeley seems to have been a favorite since her audition, and while she doesn’t have the strongest voice, her overall presentation is easily digestible and, heck, she can really play the guitar. Both she and Mary Powers, single-mom rocker from Burbank, are sent through, as is back-flipping rhymer Todrick Hall and an array of others, totaling the number of day one survivors to 46.

Day two starts on shaky grounds as Simon warns the contestants: “Don’t be boring, don’t be nervous, and don’t forget the words.” Uh-oh. Beatboxer Jay Stone has hardly any words to forget and is hardly boring, but, unfortunately, he is ridiculous and practically laughed out of the auditorium by the judges. Let’s move on.

Peacock-feathered, intentionally silver-haired Lilly Scott sings “Lullaby of Birdland” by the great Ella Fitzgerald, complete with respectable guitar playing, and I immediately add her to my list of Ones To Watch. She’s actually interesting and I look forward to future performances from her, as do the judges.

Personal trainer Michael Lynche, now officially called “Big Mike,” it seems, sings “Waiting on the World to Change,” by the musically talented, socially retarded John Mayer and – good for him! –  can also aptly strum along. He is honestly huge, thus a normal guitar looks more like a ukulele in his presence, but his voice is great and the whole image is rather endearing.

Next, a freckled, mop-haired Tim Urban sings a David Cook song and seriously sucks, but Simon likes him for unspecific reasons and he’s sent through anyway. No matter, because the two Jersey sisters and Barney Girl are both sent home, reassuring my faith in the judges’ opinion. Season 8 alum Justin Williams looks good but sounds strange and is, sadly, the only reject in his group.

No longer shirtless, but still pony-tailed, Casey James proves to Simon that Kara and Posh knew what they were doing when they sent him to Hollywood, and he promised that it would be an opportunity for him to unveil his true talent. Indeed, Casey’s arguably the most accomplished guitarist we’ve seen yet, his bluesy swagger shooting forth far more charisma than his fairly drab first audition.

It’s now 7:30 p.m. on day two, and Didi Benami, whose rendition of “Hey Jude,” got her to Hollywood, is now complete with both her guitar and the prepared performance of “Terrified,” a – hey now! – Kara DioGuardi song. Unbelievably, this doesn’t come across as ass-kissy, Kara seems sincerely touched, and it turns out to be a genuinely great song. Simon likes her “struggling waitress makes it big” story, and I like Didi all around.

However, she and my other favorite girl at this point, Lilly, take a backseat when dreadlocked Crystal Bowersox and her fantastic rendering of “Natural Woman” blow everyone away. Simon echoes this sentiment by noting Crystal’s “infectious” charm. “People like you,” he says, and I have to agree. This ends the evening on a high note, with a total of 96 contestants making it through the first round of Hollywood Week. The celebration is fleeting, though, as the dreaded Group Day lurks around the corner.

Wednesday’s episode starts right where Tuesday’s left off, at 11:00 p.m. on the eve of Group Day. While the judges are packing up for the night, the contestants seemingly have to immediately formulate their groups and choose a song. Really? I’m ready to take a nap just thinking about that. Seacrest reminds us that, in addition to memorizing the song and coming up with a vocal arrangement, the contestants also have to create accompanying choreography. These group performances will be in front of the judges in about twelve hours. One bad decision, says Seacrest, “can cost everything.”

Some of the contestants are off to a productive start, while others just cannot get their shiz together. The Dreamers (just one of many god-awful group names), consisting of Mary Powers, Margo May and Alex Lambert, can’t decide whether or not to add two more members. Margo invited Hope Johnson (the poverty-stricken bartender) and Erin Huntley (I have no idea who this girl is) to join, but Mary and Alex are dubious.

The Mighty Rangers (they get worse, trust me) are all contestants who originally auditioned in Denver. The three I remember are self-proclaimed Jack Black look-a-like Mark Labriola, wig-loving Kimberly Kerbow and nightmare Tori I-would-have-hated-you-in-high-school Kelly. Maddie Penrose, of the red, oversized Sally Jessy Raphael glasses and Danny I-already-forgot-what-he-looks-like Jones round out the quintet. They extrapolate on how mystifying it is that they didn’t know each other in Denver while auditioning, yet here they are on Group Day in Hollywood, brought together by divine intervention. Golly, we’re all being protected by the universe.

Phoenix (I guess that’s acceptable) is comprised of 2009 Hollywood contestant Moorea Masa, barely-within-age-limit Jeff Goldford, pretty boy Ben Honeycutt (I have to wonder if he made that up), Kat Nestle and Jermaine Sellers. They skip the gee-whiz formalities and get down to business. Seasoned veteran Moorea reiterates the obvious notion that whatever they end up doing, it has to be “creative and different.” Good thinking. Moorea is convinced the spot where she and her group rehearsed last year is good luck (she calls this idea a “stroke of genius,” in all seriousness), and Phoenix is off to stake their claim.

Back at The Mighty Rangers camp, the novelty of coincidence has worn off and it appears no one has any clue what their routine will consist of, or if they have even chosen a song. I smell imminent disaster. Meanwhile, The Dreamers are STILL configuring their final line-up. Margo, who is decidedly responsible for this, says she “likes” Hope and Erin, but just doesn’t “have a captivating feeling about them.”  Oh, for crying out loud.

It’s now midnight and all groups are well into rehearsal except these clowns, who haven’t made a lick of progress. Mary, quickly becoming the obvious spotlight hog, is busy discussing rules with the producers, and Hope and Erin are about ready to fling themselves over the nearest balcony. I might join them.

Next, we meet Neapolitan whose members include Dallas contestants Paige Miles and Thaddeus Johnson, Oompa Loompa-colored Jessica Cunningham, and Rainbow Brite-haired Liz Rooney. They’re singing Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” and looking for an optimal spot to rehearse, because those are apparently hard to find in giant hotels. Just when they settle in, fellow “Bad Romance” crooners Destiny’s Wild (yup) plop down right next to them and the heat is immediately on. Destiny’s Wild seems to have a discernible grasp on things, despite the unfortunate moniker. Members Todrick Hall, Siobhan (pronounced Shabonne) Magnus, acrobat Jareb Liewer, and Theri (no last name, and pronounced “theory,” for the love of God), muse about their clear superiority and have no problem eliciting a volume contest with Neapolitan. Todrick makes sure to mention to us how “everyone” is jealous and can’t help but acknowledge their enthusiasm. Seriously, they’d better be good.

Meanwhile, in Moorea’s secret rehearsal closet, Phoenix is arguing over the use of harmonies and elsewhere The Dreamers are finally getting with the program and maniacally rehearsing to play catch up. It’s 2:30 a.m. by now, and one team has finally (and smartly) called it a night. It’s “Big Mike” Lynche, whose wife has been in labor since yesterday, unworthy Tim Urban (I really don’t get it), fellow Big Guy Seth Rollins whose son has autism, and Michael Castro. They’ll be singing “Get Ready” by The Temptations and their name is – brace yourself – Team Awesome. Make of that what you will.

Now it’s after 3:00 a.m., when no one in the world should be awake, and The Mighty Rangers are torn between going to sleep and continuing to rehearse. Mark, Tori and Danny are aching to call it a night, but Sally Jessy Raphael and Kimberly are still up, solidifying those dance moves. Good lord, people! Pick a song, learn the words, sing it together, make up a dance, practice a few times and GO. TO. BED. After nine seasons of this, it’s beyond obvious the whole purpose of Group Day is to create some kind of psychological Lord of the Flies-esque turmoil among the contestants, at least a few of whom you would think have picked up on this by now. Besides, the debilitating effects of sleep deprivation often negate any progress you may make in the middle of the night. I personally go a little crazy if I haven’t slept properly, and anyone who knows me can tell when I’ve had a rough night.

Elsewhere, The Dreamers are still having trouble as they present their vocal arrangement to coach Michael Orland. Mary Powers-Trip is becoming more unbearable by the minute with her constant interruptions and self-righteousness. Orland is a master class in restraint as he calmly tells Mary, “Listen, honey, I’m trying to accommodate you,” but clearly means “Shut your face, amateur,” which is exactly what Mary does. Zing!

As the sun comes up, Seacrest notes that the new day seems to have brought a renewed energy as most contestants seem confident and energized, but we quickly learn better by the 10:30 a.m. final rehearsals where it’s obvious many people do not remember their lyrics. Highly respected vocal coach Debra Byrd lays it out for Phoenix, literally shouting in their faces, “You don’t know what you’re doing!” It’s simply delightful.

Tension is building as morning progresses, and everyone is a bit nuts. Mary cries with envy over Destiny’s Wild and their collective, albeit self-promoted, mastery of Group Day and Big Mike becomes a father! Team Awesome is extremely supportive of his constant need to be on the phone with his wife, whom we see in the hospital intermittently, and I have to admit I choked up a bit when I heard the unmistakable yelps of a newborn baby. Unfortunately, the sentimental moment is ruined when Seacrest pipes in, chirping “Now it’s Mike’s turn to deliver!” Gross.

Seacrest is walking down the aisle inside the Kodak, punctuating the palpable fear in the room as Group Day performances are upon us. I begin to realize there must be plenty of groups who got zero camera time, and to illustrate my point comes the first to go on, a trio of unrecognizable hotties who call themselves Faith. They sing a Beyonce song and sound, well, like a girl group, and they’re all sent through. I don’t know who any of them are, but their names are Michelle Delamor, Ashley Rodriguez, and Charity Vance.

Next up is Team Awesome, with their perfectly by-the-book rendition of “Get Ready,” and Tim still sucks. We get a brief flashback of Big Mike’s counterpart, Seth Rollins, who is trying out for the third time and will be too old next year, talking about how he would like to be able to better provide for his family. The impending commercial break is conveniently timed just before we find out if it will be Big Mike and Tim or Seth and Michael to go home. I’ll save you the suspense and just say that Big Mike won’t be meeting his new daughter for a little while, and Tim Still Sucks. Seth handles it well, and apparently no one has ever heard Michael speak.

Battle of the Gagas is upon us, and Neapolitan is up first. Destiny’s Wild is upset because they seem to think they invented a cappella, and Neapolitan had the nerve to use the same style. They don’t sound particularly great to me, but Simon applauds their effort and hard work and sends all of them through. Paige pulls a whoa move by pontificating on their decision to use “Bad Romance” because “no one else had chosen this song.” Theri is seen saying “Oh no she didn’t!” in the audience at the exact same time I’m saying it at my TV. In the end, the joke’s on Paige because Destiny’s Wild is up next singing the song she just said no one else had chosen. Ha!

To put it bluntly, Destiny’s Wild wipes the floor with Neapolitan, but, with the exception of Ellen’s delighted squeal at Todrick’s back flip, the judges seem rather nonplussed. The presentation is not without flaws, but it is creative and very Gaga-friendly, and I really thought the relevance and innovation would translate unequivocally. Ellen reacts quite unexpectedly, saying it was “weird” and “surreal” and remarking how they are all dressed like they’re “in Cirque du Soleil or something,” which is just not the case. I begin to worry, but all four (and their egos) are sent through. Whew.

The Gaga Groups set a trend, with the next three groups following them having all their members make it to the next round. Then, The Mighty Rangers take the stage. All good things must come to an end, I suppose. Sally Jessy Raphael is worried that Mark, Tori and Danny wanted to go to bed instead of practice. I personally thought Sally Jessy sounded terrible, but she and Tori are sent through, and Mark, Kimberly (both of whom forgot their words) and Danny (with almost no screen time) are sent home. Mark begins to tearfully beg for another chance, which thoroughly disgusts Simon.

Phoenix faces the unexpected challenge of Kat bailing on the competition at the last minute, citing a desire to not “humiliate” herself, which is one of the more surefire self-fulfilling prophecies I’ve ever witnessed. The lack of their fifth member shouldn’t make a difference vocally, but Moorea just biffs it hard and forgets every word. Simon has no sympathy for them, and Moorea says she’s through trying out for Idol.

Next, we’re treated to a montage of idiots who chose the impossibly wordy Gwen Stefani song “Sweet Escape” to show off their vocal skills for the judges. “Uh-oh,” says Ellen, and she’s right. Only one girl gets through the entire bridge, which causes the audience to erupt, but that doesn’t mean she sounded good. It’s a particular disaster for Big Dreams (my least favorite group name by far, ugh), featuring drama queen Amanda Schectman. She barely opens her mouth, the whole group is sent home, and we next see Amanda with mascara streaming down her face, barely able to stomach the cheers of her advancing colleagues.

Some other highlights of Group Day? Middle C with Janell Wheeler, Jermaine Purifoy and Casey James and Three Men and a Baby with Andrew Garcia, Katie Stevens (both of whom I predict in the top 12) and J.B. Ahfua. All members were sent through and both groups brought it. Finally.

Ah, rounding out the bittersweet end to this year’s Group Day? It’s none other than the chaos-stricken Dreamers (I almost forgot about them, too) and their overall nightmare of a production. Mary Powers-Trip is seen telling her group “that’s not the way I was taught to rehearse,” from footage earlier that morning, and I’m really ready to watch Modern Family. They sing a Fleetwood Mac song, and while it isn’t a Big Dreams-style catastrophe, Margo just sounds atrocious. Simon asks for her mic to be shut off, Randy says it was “painful,” and Kara says “the dream died up there tonight.” Alex, Hope, Mary and her 80s power suit get to stay, while Margo and non-entity Erin are sent home.

All in all, 71 contestants survived Group Day, meaning the ninth round of this monstrosity saw 25 casualties. Next week is the final round before the semis, and the worst is definitely behind us. Ellen exceeded my highest expectations, but I think Simon might be marking his calendar with Xs. See you next week!

For another take on this week’s episode, check out  Hollywood Week Ups & Downs by Inisia Lewis

Season 9, Episodes 9 & 10: Hollywood Round: Parts 1 & 2 (originally aired February 9 & 10, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.