American Idol: Hot Messes and Unripe Bananas

We’ve gotta whole lotta American Idol this week, dear readers, and, I’m sorry to say, a whole lotta it isn’t pretty. In retrospect, I will agree with the producer-created stigma that the girls are a stronger group as a whole, but their overall mediocrity paired with the more polarizing talent (or lack thereof) of the guys makes for one bewildering set of singers. They dumped Angela Martin for this? Are they sure they didn’t get their Jermaines mixed up?

After all the anticipation to have the excruciating preliminary auditions and Hollywood Week nonsense behind us, I find myself riddled with a sense of anti-climactic ambivalence. Perhaps I’ve never started paying this close of attention at such an early stage past seasons and it was easier to stomach the bad karaoke in light of the occasional diamond in the rough once the Top 12 was decided.

Nevertheless, here’s Seacrest bringing home the melodrama as he slowly paces between our 24 Chosen Ones, separated into two lines on stage. We’re told it’s now time to “get serious,” and I wholeheartedly agree. Tuesday night is the girls’ turn, and they are paraded in front of us one by one, mugging for the camera, as Seacrest reminds us of their names. The guys are banished into the snugly seated Dawg Pound, but not without Seacrest making an inane joke about Big Mike needing to mind his applause because his elbows might knock someone out. So much for getting serious.

The logistics of voting and subsequent elimination are broken down (“Here’s the math,” declares Seacrest): over the next three weeks, the two guys and two girls with the lowest amount of votes will be sent home during the results show on Thursday, after the gender-respective performances on Tuesday and Wednesday. That’s four crushed dreams a week, people. Thus, the Top 24 will be whittled to the Top 12 in relatively short order, and I’m eternally grateful for the efficiency.

The ubiquitous judges’ intro makes way for Simon admitting he’s favoring the idea of a female winner, and a gratuitously lame gag about Ellen not sitting next to Simon anymore due to his “wandering hands.” A videotape is then shown for “proof.” Gag, indeed. We’re informed the theme for the semifinals is songs that have appeared on the Billboard Chart. So, anything that’s ever been played on an FM radio station, apparently.

Paige Miles is up first. Thus far, all I know of her is the statement she made on stage in Hollywood that her group came up with the brilliant idea to sing Lady Gaga because “no one else” had, while the other group scheduled to sing the exact same song directly after them looked on with hilariously intent “WTF?!?” faces. Hee! She’s singing “All Right Now” by Free, a 70s song mildly recognizable in the “what commercial is this in?” kind of vein. It’s a bizarre choice, and while she hits a few nice notes – especially at the end – her eager, over-the-head clapping and dull stage presence render her grade down to a B- in my book. Nothing special. Simon tells her she has his favorite female voice this season, but the “cheap” song gave him wedding singer vibes. Kara and Randy agree the chorus was rough, and Ellen admits she was nervous about the song choice, but it “ended up working out.” Seacrest alludes to Paige being sewn into her outfit, and she then tells us she has, indeed, been waiting to pee for five hours as a result. Why would she need to be sewn into this ensemble? Culottes and a sash belt do not haute couture make.

Boston student Ashley Rodriguez is next. A Jordin Sparks fan, Ashley recalls how Simon made fun of the single “Battlefield,” at her first audition, the song she ended up singing for her final performance in Hollywood. She refers to this as irony, a term misused by most people, most famously Alanis Morissette, and I’m unimpressed with just about everything I’ve heard from Ashley so far. Tonight she’s attempting “Happy,” originally sung by none other than Simon’s X Factor darling Leona Lewis. Starting out with a barely-audible breathy whisper and evolving to an off-key, feeble shout or two, it’s the embodiment of mundane and I give Ashley a solid C. Kara thinks she’ll still stick around, Randy says she was setting herself up for negative comparisons to Leona (yup), Ellen calls it “predictable,” and Simon simply says, “This isn’t going particularly well for you, is it?”  No, it certainly is not.

Janell Wheeler, who impressed both Simon and me in Hollywood with her acoustic cover of “American Boy” but sucked it up later with a most-unfortunate Taylor Swift rendering, is wearing tragically ill-fitting pants and singing Heart’s “What About Love?” Janell sure is purdy, but just doesn’t have the voice to pull off a showstopper like this. Speaking of negative comparison to previous artists, all I could think of was Carrie Underwood’s now-legendary rendition of Heart’s “Alone,” and how poor Janell is just out of her league. Simon tells her she gave 100% in effort, but only delivered 65%. Ouch. Kara sums up my opinion by stating the song was “too big” for her and overshadowed the unique distinction of her voice a less-ambitious choice would have better suited. Despite Ellen noting Janell “moved on stage well,” she just didn’t sing well, and that’s what counts. C-.

I’m excited for Lilly Scott to take the stage, because she is one contestant who seems to know exactly what her strengths are, and plays to them with remarkable composure. She’s got her shtick figured out, and she’s darn good at it – there won’t be any Mariah or Leona coming out of Lilly, and she’s all the more savvy for sticking to what she does best. She sings “Fixing a Hole,” one of the more obscure Beatles songs, and it suits her well. She’s odd and quirky, but not for the sake of being odd and quirky. She’s got the chops to back up her image, and she’s hands down the best so far tonight. The judges are lovin’ it, in spite of Simon’s declaration that he sees no “star power” in her. Whatever. Brava, Lilly. A-.

Katelyn Epperly is next, and she puts Tori Kelly’s Carrie Bradshaw mane to shame. I’m dubious at first, but she can apparently play piano and is singing another Beatles song, “Oh! Darling.” Alright, let’s give her a shot. Her outfit is a perplexing homage to Desperately Seeking Susan, but it turns out she can sing! Pretty well, in fact! Who knew? Not me. The judges aren’t as pleasantly surprised as I am (probably because they’ve heard her sing before, ha), but, in spite of Kara expressing distaste for the 80s makeover, the comments are generally positive. B+ for Katelyn.

Speaking of “Oh! Darling,” here comes the adorable Haeley Vaughn. She’s unfortunately dressed like she’s getting married in Deadwood, but I’m excited nonetheless. The last of a Beatles hat trick, Haeley and her red guitar are bringing us “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” Of course it’s pitchy and all over the place, but I’ve let Haeley’s cuteness forgive worse vocal sins than this. I liked it quite a bit. Simon called it a “complete mess,” and Ellen retorted, “at least it’s a hot mess.” Awesome. B+.

Last year, Lacey Brown lost her spot in the Top 24 at the last minute. I admired her perseverance in coming back this year and had been rooting for her. I’ll keep this quick. Poor Lacey picks the wrong song and has a bad night vocally, making for a really dreadful version of Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide,” which is exactly the margin of votes by which, I predict, she’ll be voted off this week. Even Ellen can’t think of anything nicer to say than “I think you’re better than that.” Have a nice life, Lacey. D.

Miami native Michelle Delamor, one contestant they’ve been keeping under wraps until now, fits the American Idol quality assessment to a T. She’s so perfect on paper, in fact, that I fear she’s already old news. Indeed, Michelle is singing “Fallin,” by Alicia Keys, causing me to wonder if she’s ever seen a single episode of this show. We learn Michelle actually is a professional (in her words, “corporate”) singer by trade, and it shows. She sings the Idol-friendly song in a very Idol-friendly way, and Ellen remarks that it seems so easy for her, she should try a riskier song next time. Kara says it’s clear Michelle wants the “diva spot” in the competition, and needs to focus on being “technically immaculate.” Simon says she looks fantastic (which she does), but he’s obviously seen this performance a thousand times and practically yawns in her face. Despite the clichéd basis, I think Michelle is a talented singer and performer and will stick around the competition for a while. A-.

Didi Benami is next, and she talks about singing Kara’s “Terrified” in Hollywood as being her defining moment in the competition thus far. That performance did make my ears perk up, but I’m disappointed to see Didi sans instrument this week, especially when she says she’s singing Ingrid Michaelson’s “The Way I Am,” a very girl-with-guitar type song. It starts out weird, mostly because the band plays  this bizarre accompaniment involving the occasional wind chime and single drumbeat. It gets better, though, as the music picks up, and her voice is spot-on throughout. By the end, I conclude the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. B+ from me, but Simon and Randy make the “no star power” argument again. Ellen astutely comments the song would have worked as part of a set, but not as the “Here I am, America!” first impression.

Strange little moppet Siobhan Magnus is next, and she’s piqued my curiosity for some time. She’s singing “Wicked Game,” by Chris Isaak and I’m loving the song choice. Skipping right to the verdict, I never say or type this, ever, but…OMG. The girl has an insane range, proven when she begins the song in a startlingly low register and also hits the high notes throughout the chorus. It’s just awesome. I agree with Ellen when she says she forgot she was watching a singing competition, and Siobhan gets my first solid A. Randy and Simon whine that her Stevie Wonder song in Hollywood was better, but I don’t give a hoot, and neither will voters, I hope.

My excitement over Siobhan almost made me forget about my initial favorite, Crystal Bowersox. Almost. She candidly admits she was not an Idol fan prior to her audition, but decided to try out anyway in an effort to better provide for her infant son. She’s singing Alanis’ “Hand in My Pocket,” which wouldn’t have been my first choice, but I think Crystal could bust out Michael Bolton or “Who Let The Dogs Out,” for crying out loud, and still bring down the house. Guitar and harmonica in tow (Randy calls it a “harp,” isn’t he hip), Crystal’s version of “Pocket” turns out better than the original and I think it would sell tremendously well. Simon, trying to rain on everyone’s parade tonight, says there are thousands of Bowersox clones at subway stations all over the world, which may be true, but there’s only one on Idol. A.

WASP-y Katie Stevens from Connecticut has the coveted final slot tonight, and seemingly wants to appear like she’s headed to Cotillion, but instead looks like she’s on her way to Homecoming with the Young Republicans. For some ungodly reason, she decides to sing “Feelin’ Good,” by MICHAEL BUBLE, for Pete’s sake. Has any other high school student in the world heard of him (his recent effort on SNL to up his street cred notwithstanding)? She does have some serious vocal chops, I’ll admit, but the judges are spot-on when they tell her she needs to “young it up” and sing stuff her friends will actually want to listen to. Simon thinks her parents dressed her, Ellen and Randy want her to embrace being 17, Kara hopes she gets another shot and I give her a B-.

On Wednesday night, the guys are subjected to the same humiliating self-exhibition as the girls, all descending the staircase with swagger and cutesy shout-outing to their fans at home. In the judges’ intro, Randy warns the guys that they have their work cut out for them because “the girls blew it out last night,”  which in Randy’s universe means “the girls were awesome.” He clearly thinks “blew it out” is something people actually say to indicate a positive outcome, which it certainly is not. I say, except for the excellent Siobhan, Crystal and Lilly, most of the girls just blew.

Todrick Hall the rumored con artist is up first, and he’s singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone,” a song no one can say they don’t like. I’m intrigued by the choice, and for some reason begin to anticipate greatness. Instead, what we’re given is just…weird. The arrangement completely turns the song inside out into this syncopated R&B claptrap I hardly recognize. Once he hits the chorus I think, “Oh, okay, now I hear it,” but Tod is hardly singing at all and instead doing a lot of slinky moves on stage and talking to us in that creepy, 90s, Color Me Badd voice I hate where he calls us “girl,” and I feel kind of gross. It’s undeniable the risk was creative and I applaud the conceptual innovativeness, but as far as the execution I begin to wonder why this guy entered a singing competition. Oh, yeah, the whole rich and famous thing. Hmph. Simon says he “murdered” the song, and the other judges seem as confused as I am, especially when they all wonder aloud why he hardly sang. C+.

High school student Aaron Kelly is mercifully next to clean up Todrick’s mess. He reminisces singing Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” in Hollywood, an experience that included forgetting the words, then remembering the words, and finally regaining focus as a person and a singer. I suspect Aaron is president of his high school’s glee club or its equivalent. He’s singing Rascal Flatt’s “Here Comes Goodbye,” a song I don’t think I know until I actually hear it and realize it’s been subliminally lodged in my brain for months. You know what? He’s not half bad. Simon and Kara both think Aaron doesn’t know how good he really is, and needs to work on overcoming his shyness. Both Seacrest and I think this is malarkey. Aaron is undoubtedly not shy at all, and very aware of his talent. You’d have to be to enter this show at all, much less as a teenager. In any event, I give Aaron a B and I think he’ll likely be around for the long haul.

The Wrong Jermaine talks about his diva move in Hollywood where he blamed the band for nothing going wrong. He calls it his defining moment in the competition thus far, and he’s certainly not wrong on that count. He’s singing a song called “Get Here,” which has to be about as old as Simon. Jermaine is the opposite of Aaron, in that he exudes confidence to a narcissistic extent and doesn’t have the chops to back it up. His voice has an oddly feminine quality to it at times, which would be fine if he didn’t also feel the need to screech into the microphone and call it emotive singing. I think Jermaine is officially my least favorite contestant. This notion is solidified when Seacrest asks him if he’s “made up with Michael,” as in Michael Orland, the musical director in Hollywood who bore the brunt of Jermaine’s crappy attitude, and he replies, “Who’s Michael?” WHO’S MICHAEL. Wow. Even I know who Michael is. D.

With Tim Urban and his David Cassidy hair up next, I’m really beginning to understand why the girls are getting the positive buzz this season. While Tim is certainly not the kind of deplorable human Jermaine is, I still can’t believe this kid got Chris Golightly’s spot in the Top 24. Apparently the girls like him, but I personally can’t imagine a bigger doofus now that Tim Urban has entered my mental vernacular. He’s singing “Apologize” by OneRepublic, and I’m bracing myself for the worst. This song contains serious falsetto a lot of great singers can’t pull off, so there’s no way any good will come of this. Indeed, it’s embarrassing to the point where I start to feel sorry for Tim and his oblivious parents in the audience. Simon expresses his regret about giving Tim a spot among the Chosen Ones, and Ellen musters about ten different ways to say “at least you’re adorable,” meaning she thinks he’ll skate by on the tween vote. I think so, too, but someone really just needs to put this kid out of his misery. D-.

Well! Nice to finally meet you, Joe Munoz! Wait, we get to hear him speak AND sing in a matter of a few minutes? Way to make up for lost time, producers. Joe seems like a good guy and he’s singing Jason Mraz’s “You and I Both,” which suits him and his perfectly pleasant voice well enough. He’s lucky to be following Tim and I wonder if that’s why I find myself unable to really make a specific criticism. Unfortunately, I think the problem is really Joe’s lack of any defining characteristic at all, and the judges seem to agree. Simon says he’s both forgettable and unsellable. Sorry, Joe. You get a B+ from me, but I’m afraid you’ll have to deal with tying for 24^th place.

I don’t know much about Tyler Grady, either, but he’s definitely solidified himself as the 70s rocker whether you’ve heard him sing or not. While it’s good to have a marketable image, this guy is bordering on gimmicky and his choice to sing “American Woman” does not help. I actually like the tone of his voice, but this song just repeats the same three or four lyrics and I get the impression Tyler has been rehearsing this performance not since last week, but since, oh, junior high or so. Randy, more eloquent than usual, sums it up with a concise “style over substance” critique. I’d like to see Tyler stick around and at least try Queen or The Sex Pistols. Baby steps. B-.

23-year-old Lee DeWyze is next, and he likes playing his guitar. The first time I saw this guy, I realized I knew about 20 of him in college. He’s got the rumpled, dorm-room virtuoso deal locked down, for sure. He’s performing Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars,” and I’m really ready to hear something good. Really. Ready. I love this song, and I like how Lee altered the arrangement to fit his style, but I just don’t think his voice is good enough. Randy thinks he should rock harder, like Kings of Leon (his example, not mine), but I’m shocked at the overall positive response. Get this: Simon thinks it was the best performance so far! He really likes this DeWyze, he does. Am I missing something? Looking back, Lee hasn’t had much competition yet tonight, but I now sense a dark horse I never saw coming. B.

Northwestern student John Park found a fan in Shania Twain during his first audition, but he mysteriously hasn’t been heard from since. My anticipation to finally hear him myself immediately dwindles when it’s announced he’s singing ‘God Bless the Child.”  Yikes. The words “jazz standard” are kryptonite on the Idol stage, people! Don’t these kids know anything? He hits a few badly-needed nice notes, but it’s really feeble as a whole and the judges are baffled. Why on Earth did he pick that song? C.

In case you’ve forgotten, Big Mike’s wife went into labor and had their first child during Hollywood Week. Now that we’re all on the same page, tonight Big Mike is singing “This Love” by Maroon 5. I just know I’m gonna like it. Yup, I do. I’ve heard complaints elsewhere of Mike’s nasal tone, but I think he shows real control and understanding of every song he’s performing, and it’s just impossible to not like this guy. Personality goes a long way, but he has discernible, natural talent and I finally feel my toes begin to involuntarily tap for the first time tonight. Kara feels the same way and mentions that the evening has been rather “depressing” until Mike showed up. And how! Randy and Mike say “Dawg!”  back and forth a few times, and Mike is beyond safe. A-.

Next, we learn Alex Lambert is 19 and still in high school. He’s also wearing ill-fitting, hand-me-down type clothes, is very awkward to watch, and rocks the same mini mullet he’s probably had his whole life. I feel as though he is some kind of time traveler, perhaps, or possibly an extra-terrestrial posing as what they think humans look like. He does gain major points for bitching about Mary Powers and her reign of terror during Hollywood Week, but this chap confuses me, plain and simple. He’s singing James Morrison’s “Wonderful World,” a song I’m sure aliens would think is the anthem of the human race, and his voice isn’t bad, it just doesn’t…fit him, or something. The judges can hardly stand to witness his weirdness, either, but they seem to think he’s a good singer. Ellen compares him to an unripe banana. C+.

The great Casey James is next, followed by Andrew Garcia, and I’m beginning to resent whoever came up with tonight’s order as I realize the two best male contestants are dead last in the lineup. A great amount of muck has been waded through to get to this point, but Casey’s version of Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” is actually worth it. His hair is a bit too coiffed and I’m not wasting any time on the ridiculous Kara crap, but this guy sounds like he doesn’t even need this contest. The choice of song is truly perfect, and Simon says it’s the best he’s sounded all season. If any of the guys could spoil the producers’ intent to crown a female winner, Casey’s certainly one of two possible choices. A.

The other choice, obviously, is Andrew Garcia, snagging the last slot tonight and talking about his emotional response to the success he’s had on Idol thus far. He confesses that music seems to be the only thing he’s good at, and his only shot at the kind of life he can hope to build for his family. Aww. He’s singing Fall Out Boy’s “Sugar, We’re Going Down,” and it’s predictably great. He has fantastic enunciation and attention to detail, but I feel my brow furrow with worry as I fear he’s already painting himself into a corner. Sure enough, all the judges talk about is “Straight Up,” as though he intended for every performance thereafter to be compared to his Hollywood Week breakout. I agree it’s time for him to branch out a little and avoid the one-trick-pony reputation, but it seems as though the judges either complain that a contestant doesn’t have a distinct sound, or that they’re too redundant when they do. In any case, Ellen is “thrilled” that Andrew is on the show, as am I and he’ll be around for many more weeks. A-.

With that, the fate of our Top 24 lies within the voters. Stick around to find out which four contestants get eliminated and make a little more room for our Top 20 on stage!

For another take on this week’s episodes, check out Week One Is A ‘Hot Mess’ by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 13 & 14: The Top 12 Female Semifinalists Perform and The Top 12 Male Semifinalists Perform (originally aired February 23 & 24, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company, Michael Becker and IMDbPro.