American Idol: Last Stop On The Road To Hollywood

Sometimes I want to gouge my eyes out for having to watch all these audition shows. I end up investing a lot of time in too many people who I’ll never ever think of again, but I remind myself that I have to keep my eye on the big stage. And then I remember, it’s actually someone’s job to edit this stuff. That’s much worse. I miraculously feel so much better.

So, we visited Denver for the first half of the week, and the second half was spent watching some auditions we hadn’t seen from the past few weeks. While I loved the assortment of YouTube covers of “Pants on the Ground,” I am more than ready to yell, “sayonara auditions!” at the top of my lungs.

WATCH OUT FOR…
Mark Labriola, 28, sings “Tempted” by Squeeze, a song that I don’t ever remember hearing on the show, and he owns it. The only thing that makes me smile during these rounds are when someone, primed to be a dud, completely shines. He held his own under Simon’s crazy-talk grilling after learning Mark was kidnapped by his mother at a young age. (Yay for a life story not told from the ::tear::tear:: perspective!) Plus, his baby was oh-so cute.

Tori Kelly, 16, greases the judges with her tag-along, little friend named Hope, at that. The girl is sly. She then kills John Mayer’s “Gravity”. I understood Simon’s critique of her “annoying” voice. She was a little bit shrill, but I think being put together, confident and sunny goes a long way early on.

Jessica Furney, 20, found empowerment in rejection by losing some weight, feeling and looking more vibrant, and returning for another shot. She also found a way to butter up Simon by singing “Footprints in the Sand,” a song Simon co-wrote.

Amanda Shectman‘s, 19, voice was perfection, but she showed very little emotion during her performance. Now, we knew from her interview with Ryan earlier that she wasn’t a shy girl. But the judges weren’t prepared after her dour performance to see an outburst of emotion. And their chiding of her dramatic ways only provoked her even more. After much torture, they put her through. Now if we could do something about those tan lines.

Didi Benami, 22, was a big ball of nerves. Even Kara pointed out how much she could tell Didi wanted it, which only made her release her frustration in the form of an endless stream of tears. Her voice is distinct, different and if this girl can take control of herself, she could carve out her own little folkie niche.

Aaron Kelly is a sweet-faced 16-year old who reminds me of David Archuleta since they’re both angelic, adorable, soft-spoken and polite. Now can he go just as far?

Let’s not forget those flashes in the pan. Lee Dewyze, 23, and Crystal Bowersox, 23, both brought guitars with them kind of like how a baby sleeps with their blanket on a hot summer’s day. It’s not necessary, but it makes you feel safer. Rachel Hubbard, Thaddeus Johnson, or Genesis Moore, all 16, could be the next Mouseketeers 4.0 or the stars of HSM: The Next Generation.

NEED FINE BUT NOT FAB? CALL…
Kimberly Kerbow, 24, got a lot of flack for singing the line, “I’d buy you Rogaine” to Simon. It was all a little silly because it is the actual lyrics to the song she was singing, and then there was Simon’s low blow. “You’re a single mom? I wonder why…” But he recovered by saying yes and that she was funny. She wasn’t funny actually or all that great. I thought she was trying too hard to be cute and sexy, but her voice wasn’t half bad. Once she left the room though, he called her out for wearing a wig. Touche, Simon!

Danelle Hayes, 24, had a sob story about how hard it is to put on a smile and do little shows after little shows when you have such a big dream. I liked her voice, but she seemed to be screaming a lot and cracking a little. I’m sure her voice was affected by the fact that she was crying as she entered the room and teary as she sang, but she made it easy for Simon to pick up on the fact that she may be broken and got to them just in time. So what happens when you cut her, Simon?!

Casey James, 27, is pretty nice on the eyes, so he easily swayed Kara and Victoria, especially after telling him to take his hair out of a ponytail and take his shirt off. (The shirt was strangely Randy’s suggestion.) He also seemed like a big sweetie, hearkening on a motorcycle accident he lived through but the docs predicted he would never play guitar. He overcame that obstacle but that’s nothing compared to Simon. His problem is he’s kind of bland and mumbles his words. Not exactly star qualities.

Nicci Nix, 22, flew from Florence for fourteen hours to make it to the audition. The girl was pure sugar and so naïve, she had no clue Simon was making fun of her voice that sounded like it was helium-filled. Her singing voice was fortunately lower and less squeaky. She made no qualms that her personae is straight up pop by singing a Girls Aloud song. Plus, tell me her name was not made for stardom.

Haeley Vaughn, 16, knows she’s different and pretty adorable. She wants to be the first black, country-pop female singer. Her obstacle will be to overcome the lisp she has when she sings, the sometimes overzealous reverberation in her voice and sounding too much like Carrie.

Lacey Brown, 23, has tried before and failed, though the Top 50 is nothing to cry about. She got her second shot, but I still don’t believe that her voice is strong enough or that her personality pops enough to get much farther. I do commend her, though, for knowing who she is and having a distinct tone.

Hope Johnson,19, is so aw-shucks sweet that the judges couldn’t say no. They complimented her voice more than I would have but critiqued her phrasing. For my tastes, it was frail, too breathy and lacked a wide range, but it wasn’t bad. I’d like to see if she could improve in this short time. Plus anyone who says of her poor youth, “I thought lots of kids didn’t eat dinner,” is enough to make me give her a ticket. Fine! You got me, Idol, with your sobs stories. You got me.

BE GLAD YOU MISSED…
Austin Paul, oh, Austin Paul. Not too long ago, I knew guys like you. That guy who truly believes he’s a jack of all trades and can do no wrong. One who is God’s gift to women. He doesn’t just write songs; he composes them. He can shake it, AND he can carry that pigskin! The self-important vibe was oozing from every pore but, at least, led to one of the great lines of the night from Simon. “I think you could be very annoying, one of those voices after 30 seconds being like ‘Oh! Shut up!’ I’ve just been there, and that’s the kind of voice you’ve got.”

Kenny Everett, I know Mary J. Blige riffs endlessly, but you are not Mary. Singing only two words of the song and lengthening those riffs for an extra minute when they sound like a dozen cats on a hot, tin roof does not make you Mary or even Mary-like. And when they rejected him, he just pulled another song out of his Mary songbook. Painful.

Ty Hemmerling, were you content to see yourself on TV tonight in a bikini gyrating while all the judges walked out on you? And what was the point? To make me laugh, because I didn’t even laugh once. It’s these ploys that I hate the most, especially when it’s teased at the opening of the show as if the guy would be naked. Did I really think that would happen? No, but I thought it would at least be better than what we got. I never thought I’d say this, but bring back Bikini Girl! Way less assaulting on my eyes.

Stephanie Fisher is a fame whore. Again, I don’t get it! And I don’t understand why the producers continue to promote this kind of behavior. I understand the William Hungs of the world. They’re novelties and absurd. It’s like going to a carnival ::wink::wink:: and gawking at the human oddities. Things that warp our brains fascinate us. But a fairly typical-looking girl with platinum blond hair, channeling 80s Madonna? Not fascinating.

Adrian Chandtchi was a 17-year old kid with the voice a castrated monk, trapped in a 6’8” body. I would say more, but he is a teenager and so politely let them know he’s available for re-callbacks or a job. I can’t bust a teenager with manners.

WRAP IT UP
Hollywood Week is so close! Twenty-six contestants skied out of Denver straight to Hollywood, making a total of 181 to join up and sing in sunny Southern California. Plus, Ellen hooks up with the panel, and from the clips, she will be honest AND make you laugh. Soooooo excited! Let the fight for those coveted spots truly begin.

PARTING SHOTS
“You may have come in here just in time to rescue you from corporate hell.” – Simon

“How can four people tell you that you can’t sing, and you know you’re a good singer. Something has to be up with that.” – Kenny

“I am a beautiful man flower. I will blossom…” – Adrian

“Adrian, there’s like a small school boy trapped inside of you.” – Kara
“Either that or you’ve eaten one.” – Simon

For another opinion about these episodes, check out The Mile High Club by Erin Biglow.

Season 9, Episodes 7 & 8: Auditions: Denver & The Road to Hollywood (Originally aired February 2 & 3, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.