American Idol: Not A Moment Too Soon

At last! The time has come for loyal American Idol viewers across the country to fine-tune their texting skills in preparation for voter participation next week, as this year’s Top 24 has been officially decided. Also, I sense a collective sigh of relief as it seems to have been an arduous journey to this point, capped off by the ludicrous decision by Idol producers to stretch out this year’s Final Judgment with a two-part Hollywood Week finale totaling three hours in length. Groan.

With that, I’ll preface my review by saying that, after an explanatory prologue, I’ll try and keep such distractions as the incessant rehashing of contestants’ sob stories, Seacrest’s relentless hyperbole, Simon’s terse ambivalence, and my unruly verbosity to a minimum by remembering what’s important about the final auditions: who makes it, and who doesn’t. Of course, a few anecdotal gems and hilariously cringe-worthy asides will be mentioned here and there, but let’s primarily stick to the heart of the matter, shall we? I’ll remind myself along the way. Let’s begin.

Seacrest starts us off with a weak attempt to wax poetic by asking us to look at the competition thus far from the contestants’ point of view (“Imagine,” he coos, “waiting for hours in a sea of thousands for the chance to audition,” etc. You get the idea), in order for us to fully grasp the magnitude of sacrifice these people have wrought in order to fulfill their dream. After initial tryouts and the grueling process of Hollywood Week, Seacrest says “the struggle, the tears and the fatigue have taken the stage for the last time. Their fate is sealed.” Huh?

Apparently, the editors decided to Tarantino this episode – meaning, we’re starting at the end after everyone’s final performances, only to go back to the beginning and take an out-of-sequence look at the voyage that led up to this point. This would be clever fifteen years ago, and creatively necessary if this were, oh, a Tarantino movie. Or Memento. Or something else with substantial artistic merit. Sigh.

“Rewind the tape,” commands Seacrest, and we go back a few hours to the early morning before final performances, where the remaining 71 contestants are shown making last-minute preparations and looking nervous. We are told they will perform one by one without any feedback — only deafening silence and banishment to one of three conference rooms to await the judges’ decision will follow. The population of one conference room will be cut in its entirety, and the other two will face Final Judgment to determine the Top 24.

Suddenly, it’s 8:00 p.m. and the judges are shown deliberating over a pile of photographs, throwing in a vaguely productive comment or two. We get a quick glimpse to which rooms some favorite contestants have been assigned.

Room 1: Casey James (Kara’s favorite pony-tailed bluesman), Tim Urban (beyond mediocre freckled kid), Tyler Grady (Plant/Daltrey/Morrison worshipper), Andrew Garcia (“Straight Up” acoustic crooner) and Todrick Hall (cocky back flipper).

Room 2: Mary Powers (is anyone rooting for this woman?), Lloyd Thomas (“Big S-s-s-exxxy” dock worker), Hope Johnson (poor, backwoods bartender) and Christian Spear (cancer survivor).

Room 3: Shelby Dressel (of the facial paralysis), Haeley Vaughn (country-pop cutie), Maddie Penrose (Sally Jessy Raphael), Jessica Furney (overeager second-timer) and Angela Martin (tragically unlucky third-timer).

Now, onto the heart of the matter! It is with Ms. Martin we are finally, mercifully beginning to see some final auditions, and her rendition of Estelle’s “American Boy” is right up her alley. I had caught wind of Angela’s tumultuous background involving her departure from the last two Hollywood Weeks, and now have a better understanding of why she seems to be this year’s underdog. Kara mouths a very deliberate “love her!” to no one in particular when Angela leaves the stage, and I think she had picked a great song to match her voice.

Next up is Casey James and his surprising decision to sing Colbie Callait’s “Bubbly,” that inescapable, Starbucks-friendly tune from a couple of years ago about something starting in your toes and crinkling your nose. Not my favorite, but Casey’s seriously growing on me, and he sang this song in such a way that the ridiculous lyrics don’t matter. Even my boyfriend remarked “he’s really good,” and this kind of fare is normally something he only watches because I’m hogging the TV.

While Casey was the only contestant to choose “Bubbly” for his last audition, Jermaine Purifory was all alone with “Brick House,” the Commodores classic paying homage to the female form. It’s definitely a catchy groove, albeit played out, and I do feel for Jermaine when he wonders out loud, “How come people don’t dig Brick House?!” There are far worse choices, I’m sure. He sings it well, and I dig Jermaine, but the judges are visibly ambiguous.

After these three auditions, we fast forward in order for Seacrest to remind us that these “early favorites” were put in separate waiting rooms. That means at least one of them won’t make it to the Top 24! Ah, the suspense. The atmosphere in the waiting rooms is quite grim across the board. Contestants are sitting in silence, reflecting over their Hollywood Week performances. Katie Stevens and Andrew Garcia’s positive comments are shown, while Jermaine Sellers could very well be regretting how his final audition went down.

He’s one of many to sing Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror,” and I find his voice rather shrill. Randy, on the other hand, is clearly impressed and Kara starts dancing in her seat. Really. However, before he leaves the stage Sellers asks to speak and makes it a point to say that the band had extended the planned ending to his rendition of the song. Thus, he says, “That wasn’t actually right.” Michael Orland and the band are seen exchanging confused glances, as are the judges, because no one could tell anything was amiss. Kara says “don’t throw the band under the bus” in a muted whisper, again to no one in particular, and Simon assures Sellers they’ve “heard enough.” This diva move (even Seacrest calls it that – wow) was beyond unnecessary and only makes Sellers look like a douche. Seriously, dude, keep your mouth shut.

Siobhan Magnus is next, also second-guessing herself. We’re treated to a flashback of Day One in Hollywood where Ellen tells Siobhan to quit taking herself so seriously and acting “old,” especially considering she’s only 19. “Let loose, have fun,” offers Ellen. Siobhan takes the advice and shows up to her final audition wearing something she apparently got at Cyndi Lauper’s last garage sale. She’s a quirky little thing, but she can certainly sing and I think she’s kind of interesting. Did I mention she’s a glassblowing apprentice?

My personal favorite contestant so far this season, dreadlocked Crystal Bowersox, takes the stage next with not only her guitar, but also a harmonica – she’s wearing it around her neck to play both simultaneously, a la Neil Young or Bob Dylan. She’s just awesome, folks. She makes a decent hit song (Sheryl Crow’s “If It Makes You Happy”) her own smashing success, and Ellen seems to have the same awestruck look on her face I do while watching Crystal blow these other schmucks outta the water.

While Crystal shows mastery of two instruments, Alex Lambert has been having trouble with one: his seemingly single-stringed ukulele. After Simon telling him he has “zero spark,” and tyrant Mary Powers calling him the “weakest link” on Group Day, Alex decides to go with a song he knows well for his final audition – Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours.” Indeed, he must have this song down pat because he could be asleep up there and I wouldn’t know it. Nothing’s wrong with this kid, but he just doesn’t have what it takes, and I can’t believe he’s  made it this far. Oh, and he’s wearing Teen Wolf sunglasses in the waiting room. Bueller?

This Mraz ditty is a popular choice, with Big Mike singing it next, then Todrick Hall, who says he thinks he “did pretty good,” but acknowledges that “we’re all vocally tired, and I’m no exception.” With Todrick’s ego running amok this season, a dose of humility was just what he needed to bring down the conceited jerk edit he’s been given so far.

Who’s most vocally tired? Thaddeus Johnson’s mother, according to Seacrest. To back up this claim we’re reminded of her reign as Stage Parent Supreme throughout the competition, screaming left and right whenever Thaddeus exits the stage. Normally these people make me rather nauseous, but she’s actually pretty funny and her enthusiasm is…charming? Thaddeus is another “Man in the Mirror,” but the band starts to play “Bubbly” at first, which makes Thad shoot them an uber-queeny death glare. “I’m not bubbly!” he declares, much to Simon’s glee. Thaddeus’s register is much deeper than I expected, given his speaking voice. He does well, and Mom’s shrieks of joy are still reverberating throughout Laurel Canyon.

Tasha Layton! Where have you been? The almost-forgotten worship pastor nails her haunting version of Coldplay’s “The Scientist,” a song I can’t believe no one else has done (that we could see), considering the disheartening amount of blasphemous Katy Perry covers and such. The editors cleverly place the lyrics “No one ever said it would be this hard” just as Tasha expresses doubt over her future in the competition. Although I like her, I share her dubious feelings about the likelihood of her placement in the Top 24.

Mary Powers clearly isn’t letting doubt get to her as she tells us, “I feel I’ve done enough to reach the Top 24, definitely.” Like what? Frightening everyone into submission? This possibility is justified as a few flashback shots of her tyranny over Group Day are shown. Next, she tells Seacrest her final audition will be a “walk in the park,” because “the song is cake.” Oh, really? Which super-easy song are you singing, Mary? It’s “Hot ‘N Cold,” of course, which probably is the simplest song of the bunch. Despite her omnipresent confidence, Mary’s final performance, for me, crashes shortly after takeoff — I’ll be shocked if she makes it through to the next round. After her audition, Mary is seen rocking back and forth in the waiting room, the nerves having finally set in.

Next, “Big S-s-s-exxxy” dock worker Lloyd Thomas is choked up thinking about his family before singing “Man in the Mirror,” doing a decent Ruben Studdard impression. Nice enough guy, but I’m near-certain this’ll be the last we see of him.

After Lloyd, police officer Brian Walker’s original Atlanta audition footage is shown with Randy saying he’s “hot.” Um, he’s not. Brian says Simon gave him a weird “wink and point” after his final performance, so he’s “pumped!” Bye, Brian.

In one of Seacrest’s more groan-inducing voice-overs, he says that Hope Johnson’s poverty-stricken childhood made her have to “live up to her name.” To wit, Hopeful Hope tells us the stage is the only place she’s ever fit in and she just wants to “do something I love that comes natural, so I can have it easy for once in my life.” Get in line, honey. She also mentions that with music, she “could sing a song and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.” Or, you could just speak up and say what you mean, like everyone else. No matter. She sings “Home,” by former Idol contestant Daughtry and it’s clear to me Hope is worthy of a Golden Ticket, but not a spot in the Top 24. Kara and Randy seem to nod together in agreement after her performance, however, so what the hell do I know?

Onto Shelby Dressel, who charmed the judges in Orlando by flubbing her words with panache. A graceful recovery goes a long way, even with Simon. However, her faulty memory concerning song lyrics is portrayed as a pattern, with her final rehearsals seeming laborious and repetitive. This brief subplot proves unnecessary, of course, as she belts out “More Than a Feeling” with complete phrases, albeit a bit chirpy for my taste. I think she’s got a decent shot.

However, Shelby is sitting in the same waiting room as Aaron Kelly, the 16-year-old who doesn’t need creative editing to invent a memory problem. He sings Sarah McLachlan’s song “Angel,” more recently featured in the ASPCA commercials that make everyone cry (oh, admit it), and completely blanks on an entire verse. He picks it back up at the chorus, but the damage is done and Seacrest notes that, for Shelby, sharing a waiting room with Aaron makes for “little security” despite her successful audition.

Next, we’re given quick snippets of auditions from people I’ve maybe heard of, but know next to nothing about. Ashley Rodriguez, who bears a slight resemblance to the late Aaliyah, sings Season 6 winner Jordin Sparks’ “Battlefield,” with all kinds of finger-pointing sass the judges (and America) love. A fellow named Lee DeWyze manages to roll out of bed in time to sing The Fray’s “You Found Me,” and someone called Joe Munoz (seriously, who?) presents himself as Archuleta Part 2.

Now it’s Haeley Vaughn’s turn. She’s another member of Team Mraz, singing “I’m Yours.” Oh, Haeley. She really isn’t the strongest singer, proving so by hitting a couple of undeniably off notes throughout her performance, but her sincerity and adorableness seem to mask her vocal shortcomings to the judges. Seacrest is sitting with her mom in the audience, and he makes her tell us how proud she is of Haeley. She’s “too proud for words,” in case you were wondering.

Pretty Janell Wheeler is having voice problems; she explains that with all the stress and chaos of Hollywood Week, sometimes it’s been hard to remember to properly take care of herself. I thought her Hollywood Week performances were solid so far, but she makes the unfortunate choice to sing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” for her final audition. Okay, Janell is 24 years old. Taylor Swift herself is too old to sing Taylor Swift songs, so the whole thing is doomed from the start. She definitely sounds strained and it’s quite lackluster overall. Teary Janell confesses she thinks she blew it and “couldn’t take the pressure.” I’m not nearly as skeptical about her future as she is, but there sure are a lot of blondes with guitars this year. It’s possible that, with the strong competition in Didi Benami, Crystal Bowersox, and Lilly Scott, among others, Janell could get lost in the shuffle.

Apparently, that’s all we get to see of the final auditions tonight. Seacrest walks toward us down the Hallway of Uncertainty, where the three waiting rooms filled with anxious contestants are located, and tells us the judges are on their way to break the news. As I mentioned before, one room will be cut completely, while the other two will face Final Judgment to determine the Top 24. It’s at this point I realize we’re only a third of the way toward finding out who the Chosen Ones are. This clearly means lots of tears, flashbacks, meltdowns and suspenseful pauses, then more tears, flashbacks, meltdowns and suspenseful pauses in slow-motion, among other needless time fillers, for the next two hours. I’m not up for it, readers, and I don’t think you are, either. This is where sticking to the heart of the matter comes into play. Here we go:

It’s 11:00 p.m. The judges first arrive in Room 1, containing Tori Kelly (another Katy Perry-covering idiot), Lilly Scott, Andrew Garcia, diva Jermaine Sellers, and others. Ellen screws around with them for a bit before telling them they’re through to Final Judgment. Cheers and hugs ensue. Room 2, which Seacrest says is “full of fighters” (uh-oh) and just heard Room 1’s celebration next door, is next and once we see Hope Johnson, Mary Powers, Brian Walker and Lloyd Thomas in there, they’re doomed for sure. Indeed, after the requisite patronizing speech from the judges (Simon actually says “Most of you were better than we thought you’d be.” HA!), Room 2 is cut. Tears and wails ensue. Onto Room 3, where Angela Martin, Janell Wheeler, Ashley Rodriguez, Jessica Furney, John Park (whom I’ve never heard sing) and company are told they can join Room 1 in celebratory glee.

We’re down to 46 contestants for Final Judgment, which involves each hopeful meeting the judges one by one after another deliberation. This process started on Tuesday night and it took an HOUR to determine the first seven of the Top 24. I’ll get to them in a bit, but the first two sent home after making it through the waiting rooms are Shelby Dressel and Jessica Furney. Shelby handles the news with remarkable aplomb, and Simon distinctly says “that was the wrong decision” as she leaves the auditorium. Interesting. Now, Jessica Furney has the complete opposite reaction and throws a full-on tantrum when she’s eliminated, which takes up an unbelievable amount of time. She composes herself eventually and assumedly rejoins her former life on Earth.

The seven contestants chosen on Tuesday night to join the Top 24 are: Michael Lynche (despite now-debunked rumors he had been disqualified), Didi Benami, Katelyn Epperly, Casey James, Aaron Kelly (surprise!), Lee DeWyze (huge surprise!) and Todrick Hall.

On Wednesday, Janell Wheeler’s anxiety is relieved as she is the first contestant of the day to make it through. We next spend a little time with 70s dude Tyler Grady and get a glimpse of his final audition, where he sang Daughtry’s “Home,” but asked the judges not to take the lyrics too seriously (because he doesn’t actually want to go home, get it?). He’s sent through and does a super-lame fake out to Seacrest. Then, Seacrest says the weirdest sentence ever written: “For most, this is an overwhelming baptism of fire into the world of Idol.” What?! Direct quote, I swear.

Anyway, that’s supposed to introduce us to Lacey Brown, whom I’d forgotten I liked, and her lovely rendition of “Wonderful World.” It’s her second time trying out after getting eliminated at this point last year, and now she’s in the Top 24 after wisely agreeing with Simon that she needed a year to “grow,” or whatever. Yay for Lacey!

Also sent through: Ashley Rodriguez (saw that coming), Alex Lambert (SERIOUSLY?) and the person I’m told is named Joe Munoz. My girl Crystal Bowersox is next, and Simon tells her it was a unanimous decision to send her to the Top 24. Of course! Gee-whiz Katie Stevens also gets a green light, but it’s bad news for a few others, namely Maddie Penrose and her glasses, Nicci Nix and her alleged phoniness, and a couple of guys I think I recognize, but won’t miss.

Now Angela Martin is in front of the judges, and Kara squeezes herself onto her chair to put her arm around her and tell her she didn’t make it. I genuinely feel sorry for Angela, especially because this was her last eligible year to try out (she’s 28). I was furious with Kara’s patronizing at first, but at least there was some effort to let Angela down easy. Too bad.

Who’s left? To my delight, Lilly Scott makes it despite the alleged problems with her final performance, of which I found none. Next, Paige Miles, Siobhan Magnus, Michelle Delamor (little screen time thus far, but she’s gorgeous), Jermaine Sellers (I’m with most people who think the wrong Jermaine was cut) and John Park are all sent through.

Only one spot remains for the girls, and it’s between Tori Kelly and Haeley Vaughn. I wasn’t sure Haeley had it in the bag, but she wins out over Tori and I am confident it was the right decision. Lastly, Thaddeus Johnson gets cut and cries in a bathroom stall with his mother, and Andrew Garcia is the final contestant to reach the top 24…or is he? In the final introductory shot with Seacrest, Chris Golightly’s unmistakable hair is clearly visible among the Chosen Ones, but then in the ridiculous individual geek-a-thon at the end, Chris is missing and…it can’t be…TIM URBAN has taken his place! Augh! Apparently Chris had contract issues, whatever that means, and was disqualified at the last minute. Tim must have done something wonderful in a past life, that’s all I have to say.

Voting begins next week! I have no qualms admitting my intent to fill the airwaves with my own Pro-Bowersox movement. Top 12 girls perform on Tuesday, then the Top 12 guys on Wednesday. I don’t think there’s any argument the girls are incredibly strong this year, and AI is not only overdue for a female winner, but a female in the finals. Let the games begin!

The official list of American Idol Season 9 Top 24:

Michael Lynche, Didi Benami, Aaron Kelly, Ashley Rodriguez,

Paige Miles, Siobhan Magnus , Jermaine Sellers, Andrew Garcia,

Crystal Bowersox, Lilly Scott, Janell Wheeler, John Park, Tim Urban,

Haeley Vaughn, Alex Lambert, Joe Munoz, Katie Stevens, Todrick

Hall, Casey James, Lee DeWyze, Katelyn Epperly, Lacey Brown,

Tyler Grady, Michelle Delamor

For another take on this week’s episodes, check out Introducing Your Top 24 by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 11 & 12: Hollywood Round: Parts 3 & 4 (originally aired February 16 & 17, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.