Chuck Sucks

I know, I know. It’s an obvious title that sounds mean and superior, but truly, that’s the thought that just kept echoing through my head over and over and over again as I watched this episode. I acknowledge that Chuck has a fan base and I respect that. I have enjoyed the show off and on, though to be fair, more off than on. But I’m hoping even the fans will agree with me that this was a really piss-poorly written and actually infuriating episode.

We open with a masked operative descending a harness into a big round vault while trying to grab some big golden mask and not set off the alarms. This is obviously a reference to the famous vault sequence in Brian De Palma’s Mission: Impossible that has Tom Cruise trying to steal files off the computer of some bigwig in Langley without sweating or touching the floor. But is it funny simply to reference a famous scene? Should the writers get points simply for paying homage to Mission: Impossible? I say no. I say it’s only worth referencing a famous scene if you are going to subvert it in some clever way. That’s not the case here; they don’t do anything fun or funny with it.

When said masked operative cocks up the theft, I naturally assumed it was Chuck on another training mission. But, back by popular demand, it’s actually Shaw! Good work, buddy. The air starts getting sucked out of the vault chamber that Shaw finds himself trapped in, so with no alternative, he calls Casey to ask Chuck for help.

Chuck is working his day job at the Buy More and is being asked something else by Hannah. She wants to go with him on his next computer install thingy so she can learn the ropes. Of course, being that the Buy More is totally beneath her and she only took the job to get close to Chuck after having one magical encounter with him on an airplane, she doesn’t really need to learn any ropes. Actually, since we’re on the topics of ropes and Hannah, I wonder if she’d be up for me showing her the ropes and then wrapping them around her throat and sucking the life right out of her? I can’t think of a better use for her character than that.

Sorry, back on track. Sarah arrives and whisks Chuck away so that he can help with the whole Shaw situation. Of course if Chuck just let Shaw complete the process of suffocation and left Hannah with me, we could kill two birds…er, ah, I mean useless characters…with one stone. Alas, Chuck is too noble and goes to save the moron. His sudden bolt from the Buy More raises more suspicion with Hannah and, especially, Morgan. As of last week, Morgan and Ellie are convinced Chuck is hiding something from them and are determined to figure it out.

Chuck arrives at the museum site where Shaw be a-dyin’. Casey tells Chuck to override the server so that the vault will open and Shaw can get out. At the museum control center, Chuck encounters the curator, who wants Chuck to fix the computer problems they are having. Guess who shows up? Hannah! She followed Chuck thinking he was on an install. So now Chuck has to save Shaw without tipping Hannah off that he’s a secret agent man. Okay, that’s a workable setup with comic possibilities. The two of them pull it off and the overjoyed curator hires them to come back the next night to watch over the computers and make sure nothing bad happens during the unveiling of the “Mask of Alexander.” This is the mask that Shaw is trying to steal. Why? Because it’s a McGuffin, that’s why! The highlight of this whole scene was me realizing that the actor that plays the curator is the same guy who played the South African diplomat Danny Glover and Joe Pesci harass in a hilarious scene from Lethal Weapon 2. Come to think of it, that was the highlight of the whole episode for me.

From here it’s all about Chuck trying to do the mission stuff at the museum while keeping Hannah at bay. This becomes harder to do when she puts the moves on him big time. Chuck doesn’t seem to mind.

The one cool thing in the whole episode: a pretty nifty wire gag/fight involving Sarah. Everything else was terrible. Yes, I just made a blanket statement but I’m right. I swear. Now look, even though they often make me nauseous, I get that romance subplots are going to come up in virtually any show. I guess everyone wants to see romance except me. But I can deal with it when it is done well. But when romantic triangles or (deformed quadrangles in this case) are pulled out of thin air and slapped together just to keep the two leads apart for the sake of conflict, that really honks me off.

Why is Chuck all over Hannah when he’s still in love with Sarah? What the hell? And even more insane, Sarah inexplicably, like at the flip of a switch, falls for Shaw. Shaw is a bland, loser character played by a bland, loser actor whose chances of ever playing Superman again have dwindled even further now that Warner Bros. has gotten on their knees and begged Christopher Nolan to reinvent the franchise like he did so brilliantly with Batman (he’s not directing Superman, just supervising thank God). Shaw and Sarah have spent virtually no time together, he wasn’t even in last week’s episode, and she has been cold toward him since they met. Now, just because at one point during these ridiculous proceedings it looked like they were going to die together they fall in love? Let’s review: Sarah was ready to throw her career away and go on the run from the U.S. government (or at least Chuck’s version of the U.S. government) to be with Chuck. Then, earlier this season, she saw the taped footage of Chuck explaining why he didn’t go with her and professing his love for her and she started crying.

So now why the hell is she all lovey dovey with Shaw? And why are she and Chuck talking and encouraging each other to go be with their other respective losers when they clearly still have feelings for each other? There is no real reason for these two to be apart right now. There is no Bryce Larkin. They didn’t not get together because of another lover in the way. They didn’t get together because Chuck wouldn’t run away with Sarah and she thought it was a personal rejection. Now that she knows that it wasn’t and they are still working together, what exactly is the reason they can’t be together?

I’m not saying they should be together, because obviously I understand the adage about a show dying once the two leads consummate. I acknowledge that they should be kept apart, but find a better reason than this. This is just ridiculously stupid. You have to build relationships, you can’t just suddenly slap together drastic developments as if you were making a bologna sandwich and hope everything sticks. And, as if it wasn’t bad enough that these completely forced relationships came together in the first place, literally the last several minutes of the episode consists solely of cutting back and forth between Chuck & Hannah and Sarah & Shaw putting the moves on each other. Back and forth, back and forth. A little kissing here, a little rubbing there…did you get that? Did you see that these new couples have been formed? I don’t know, maybe we should cut to another shot of the exact same thing for emphasis!

Are the Keebler Elves writing these episodes while eating sugar pops and puffing the magic dragon? That’s the only logical explanation I can think of for any of this to be happening.

Season 3, Episode 7: Chuck vs The Mask (originally aired February 8, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal.