Real Housewives: Def Insanity

Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Enter the OC Housewives. I don’t understand why they all keep taking trips together when they don’t seem to genuinely enjoy each other’s company. This isn’t middle school (well, that’s not at all true), but it isn’t like they need to have a group of friends (well, except for their contract with Bravo). The whole show is starting to feel a lot more forced than normal and it’s wearing on me.

This week, Lynne gets her eviction notice and the ladies take a trip to San Francisco, because, why not. The episode begins with Raquel and Alexa receiving an eviction notice. Raquel isn’t sure this is real life because she is so hung over and Alexa is too hungs to emerge from under her blanket. Rocky calls Lynne and turns into a Jersey Shore cast member by flicking off the camera the whole time, and asking her mom what the eff this shiz is. I guess money can’t buy class or grace under pressure. Oh wait, what am I saying, they don’t have money, they are getting evicted! Aaaaaand I’m going to hell.

I love how Lynne totally twists this story later. She (rightfully) feels guilty that her girls had to receive the eviction notice when she should have, but when she tells the ladies about getting served, she talks about how her girls were crying and saying “mommy mommy, what’s going on!” When really they were barely conscious and talking like truck drivers looking for their left over screwdrivers to take the edge off. Hardly the victims, Lynne. Maybe the plastic surgery affected her short term memory?

So Lynne meets with Frank to talk about their predicament. Lynne is super pissed that Frank didn’t keep her in the loop, about how they had to pay a $10,000 security deposit, and they just, well, didn’t. So, yes, maybe Frank was wrong to not tell Lynne that a security deposit existed, but it’s true that Lynne doesn’t want to deal with reality (as evidenced by her trip to San Fran later). Poor Frank, I feel like these bitchy women totally run his life and make him live in the OC because they think it is still trendy. Enter the recession theme once again, and Frank tells Lynne that they need to cut back spending and get real. Lynne, who I don’t think is a real person at this point, tells Frank that this whole thing is not cool, she’s over it, and she stomps off. Wah wah, Lynne, I’m over you.

Staying true to her good judgment, Lynne goes to Tamra for moral support. Tamra asks if Lynne has ever been divorced before (they are such close friends), and tells her that she has, and advises Lynne that it is definitely not something that she wants to do. She then tells Lynne to just go on the trip to San Francisco with the ladies like she has been planning and get her mind off her money/life troubles by going shopping, because as long as you look good, who cares if you have a place to live, right?

So all the ladies (plus Briana) go to San Fran and it’s all slightly awkward since all the girls are still a little pissed at Vicki from Lynne’s house party when she said that she was the only one who works. Tamra just denies that she had that huge beer tear fight with Vicki and Simon, and Alexis acts like these women are all her new besties and wants to tell Vicki, “hey, we all love you, but sometimes you need to watch your tongue.” Alexis is so stupid I can’t stand it much longer. I would love for her to actually say that to Vicki’s face because I want to see someone hit a bitch this season.

I don’t think these women actually know anything substantial about one another, so I guess Vicki is really the one that wins by keeping a safe distance. Alexis is trying to dive in head first and it is going to be awesome once someone really takes an issue with her. I wanted to vomit while she was struggling with the decision to go on the trip when Jim wasn’t able to go. She hates traveling alone and he is basically like, get over it, I trust the girls you are going with. Oh good, she has his permission to travel alone. I feel bad for their kids with just Jim taking care of them, since Alexis says that he is not a hands on dad. Apparently he doesn’t do diapers and dinner, and having kids at 47 has a huge impact on his patience. What does Alexis see in him other than a bank account? Is that a stupid question? Definitely saw that he has no patience and is generally a dbag during those weird little one minute clips Bravo shows about half way through episodes when he verbally assaults the babysitter while trying to put together a toy.

The women make it to San Fran in one piece, and pull up to their penthouse. Yeah, money is a real issue for this lot. They go to a five star restaurant (to tighten their purse strings?) and act like middle schoolers, shock. Alexis talks on the phone to Jim most of the time and everyone wants to smack her, she tries some of Gretchen’s food and spits in her napkin which causes Vicki to dry heave, and Lynne has no one’s sympathy in the whole eviction predicament. Can’t take em anywhere. Lynne tries to illustrate self-awareness of her problems, saying that she is living beyond her means with champagne taste on beer budget, while she literally sips champagne at a 5 star restaurant, then later buys a $1000 leather jacket. My new least favorite housewife. Hands down.

After dinner the women go meet up with Briana at a bar. Vicki wanted Briana to come on the trip to try and diffuse tension, and because B has been having some health issues. Apparently she has some decent sized tumors on her thyroid and nodules, which Vicki had too so it sounds genetic, but could be cancer. She was talking to the women about it and her biopsy and before you know it Gretchen loses it and starts having a pow-wow with Briana while laying on the couch. At first I just thought she was really trashed, but then I remembered Jeff, and Vicki was actually touched that Gretchen was so concerned and compassionate about the possibility of Briana being sick. Gretchen, you are still my fave.

Still, being my favorite doesn’t forgive that weird American Girl Doll hat you were wearing the next day at lunch. While at the table, Vicki starts making phone calls for work and now Alexis is offended about the hypocrisy of Vicki giving her crap about being on the phone with Jim. Then, because Alexis is stupid, she brings up Lynne’s party and all I got was that Vicki said “bring it” and the episode ended.

Next week will surely show the same fight from 5 different angles. But don’t worry, if you miss it I’m sure the same thing will happen on the next episode, just in a different city.

Season 5, Episode 12: You Can Dish It But You Can’t Take It (originally aired February 11, 2010)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Mitch Haaseth