Real Housewives: Just Add Booze

Lynne, you crazy crazy lush.

This week was all about Lynne, and revealed a) her true colors in parenting, b) in wine there is truth, and c) plastic surgery makes for even more awkward displays of public emotion. And by awkward I mean horrific.

The episode began with Lynne trying to smooth things over with Alexa by taking her shopping. Things were rocky from the moment Alexa got into the car with her mom and they started talking about the Youthologist incident from the last week’s episode. Alexa tried to tell her mom that she just wanted to talk to her, and not some strange woman about her problems, which Lynne just brushed off when they arrived at the mall. Lynne kept trying to make the point that she loves Alexa and wants what’s best for her, hence the shopping. Alexa kept trying to get though to her mom that she is a terrible excuse for a parent.  I was on Alexa’s side until she started to get a little Lindsey Lohan on us and just calling Lynne a bitch and walking away. It was tragic slash hilarious when Alexa said that all Lynne cared about was selling her cuffs, then dramatically takes it off and chucks it on the table at Lynne. I think Lynne was more offended that Alexa insulted her jewelry line than her worthiness as a parent. Even though Alexa is a brat, she has a point that Lynne is absent and totally out of touch. There is only so much the girl can parent herself after saying things like she wants to be grounded and she wants real limits, and not just talk. Lynne is a push over. Ask her, I bet she will agree with me.

To try and seek guidance about parenting teenagers, Lynne visits her mom and we see where the love of plastic surgery comes from. Lynne talks about how she was a wild child and got through it, which I guess that means she was really good at lying and survived?  But isn’t Alexa supposed to be good?  So why are Lynne’s stories relevant? Blah.

Moving on because there is only so long I can think about Lynne’s face at one time, Gretchen cleared up some stuff I have been wondering about on this episode. I love that Gretchen knows how everyone assumes she is a gold-digging hooker because of Jeff and she finally addressed her finances head on (for a hot second). She talked about the misconception that Jeff left her millions of dollars that she has been living off of, when really she never got to spend the money he left for her, and she lives off her own dollar dollar bills that she made doing real estate during the pre-Jeff era. Now, she is starting a makeup line with the help of her make up artist (?) and she wants to own her own business to make money. Good to know. I also like that G told the other women to suck it because she actually did learn to ride her bike. Where’s your Harley, Tamra, huh?

Speaking of, I think Tamra is missing part of her soul. I couldn’t believe she was throwing away her kids’ stuffed animals when they were crying out for her not to. I get that they are moving and it’s bad to be a pack rat, but come on, aren’t you supposed to keep that crap until it deteriorates from love?

The stupidest and most dramatic part of the episode was of course spurred by Alexis because her world view is just way too warped for her and the surrounding company to function correctly. She has taken on this unwarranted role as the Tamra-Gretchen peace maker, but instead, got to deal with lots of Lynne drama during the cooking party at her house. In the middle of the afternoon. On a weekday.

So, the four ladies are cookin and drinkin in the middle of the afternoon. Lynne drankin in particular. This isn’t college, Lynne, you can’t get plastered in the middle of the day. She was totally glazed over by the time the women were sitting down and being served the food that they just “made” themselves. Alexis tries to stir the Gretchen-Tamra pot up a bit, and somehow (and by somehow I mean thanks to booze), Lynne and Gretchen make the conversation about them. Gretchen asks Lynne about Alexa and Lynne is just a leaky leaky faucet at this point. She gets pissed as hell at Gretchen all over again and is so drunk that I think her face is actually going to melt off or rip open or something. She keeps repeating how Gretchen can’t talk to anyone who has kids until she has them, and then Gretchen says the most nonsensical/ true statement that just because you have kids doesn’t mean you know how to parent them. But because this is Gretchen she says it like “just because you pop a kid out between your legs it doesn’t give you the God right to know how to raise them.” Which makes about as much drunk sense as you can get at this point. Then Lynne is totally off the wall tanked and ticked and starts talking about Barney and how she tries to be a good mom and has no control and it’s hard to raise kids in the OC when there are BMWs all over the place. Why the face?

During this whole crap storm, I love how Tamra is just so happy that this dramatic debacle isn’t about her. It was actually scary to look at Lynne during this process and I don’t know anyone else on this God right planet that cries at that decibel. Gretchen totally came out on top of this one though, seeing as how she didn’t let the beer tears get to her, and for accurately pointing out that Lynne is in fantasy land. Probably multiple fantasy lands depending on the day and medication dosage.

Next week, we are promised the dinner party we have been waiting for!!! Aaaaaaaand Lynne gets an eviction notice. Oh boy!

Season 5, Episode 10: I Can’t Stop (originally aired January 28, 2010)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Mitchell Haaseth