Real Housewives of Orange County: Hype Fail

This week on Real Housewives we were promised the episode we had been waiting for, which I interpreted as hair pulling and item throwing. Instead we just got more of the same: drunk Tamra, drunk Lynne, sad Vicki, annoying Alexis and ass face Simon.

Let’s start with Tamra because she was the only one who did something almost out of character. She went to a tattoo parlor with her son Ryan to get Simon’s name inked on her ring finger to show that she really loved him. When did their marriage change from her wanting out, thinking they were on the road to divorce, to everything being about eternal love again? I think this tattoo was more in the name of denial than her husband’s, but whatever. To show off her new tat, Tam Tam went with Simon and their biker friends (?) to a mildly trashy bar and took shots and I was just confused about this aspect of Tamra and Simon’s life. It was bizarre but interesting, so I hope that they embrace that side of themselves more, because I was not into what I saw later in the episode.

Next we got to learn more about Gretchen Christine Beaute. I’ll give you a moment to barf from that name.

I admire Gretchen for trying to do her own thing, but it just sounds like the least classy beauty line in the world. I also thought that Vicki was being a nice/responsible friend by giving Gretchen advice and asking about finances and whether Slade was helping out or freeloading off Gretchen. G got pretty defensive about Vicki “prying” into her personal life, but asking if a grown man is employed is a legit question. I love how all these women are all acting like their lives have become like The Grapes of Wrath with the economy and they are just trying to get by and adapt their lifestyles. Oh, perspective.

Next I guess we have to talk about Alexis. Ugh. I hate Alexis and Jim’s marriage. It seems so controlling and just kinda gross. Jim talked about how he wanted sexy elegance in a wife, and he got it. To honor their perfect marriage, the two went on a little getaway to Palm Desert, which is where they met. I’m all for walks down memory lane, but I can’t get past how Alexis seems so excited about everything in their relationship, and Jim is just like “yeah, whatever, can you cover up your boobs that I paid for just a little bit more? No that’s too much, we want sexy elegance here, Alexis. Or just sexy. Whatever, no more talking.” The two of them are just so high and mighty about their marriage. Since they have both been married before, Alexis explains how divorce is not an option this time around, unless Jim beats or cheats. Hint: more cleavage Alexis! Gotta stand by your man and keep working against the feminist movement!

So I thought that we would get the big drama promised to us from the previews during Lynne’s housewarming party, a la Gretchen’s Tupperware/tequila party. House parties are great since any sense of public decency is thrown out the window. Tamra and Simon are the first to arrive, which means they have early access to the booze, which pretty much sets the scene for the rest of the evening. The four of them talk about how they are all such great, honest, nice people and the hired bartender behind them looks like he wants to jump off the balcony. Oh, self awareness.

Tam Tam gets sooooo drunk by the time the other housewives get there, and Gretchen hears that she is a closet drinker. How can you be a closet drinker when every time you have a social interaction you are publicly getting wasted? Anywho, it was only a matter of time until Tamra asks Vicki and Simon if they are all okay, which is unnecessary and like lighting some dynamite and saying, this isn’t going to explode, right?

Fighting ensues: Simon tells Vicki to stay out of his marriage. Vicki says she is going to defend her friend based on the stuff she tells her in confidence. Simon is a dick. Simon says that Vicki and Don have a terrible marriage. I am on Vicki’s side. Simon actually has problems, and Tamra is a bad friend for not defending Vicki and letting her stupid husband know that she isn’t happy in her marriage. Simon is a child.

Now it’s just like drunk middle school from this point on. Simon walks out of the house and Tamra runs out to him and starts sobbing, saying that she just wants to be on his side, and keeps running over Vicki in the bus that she has thrown her under. Simon thinks that all of their issues stem from Vicki, which I’m seeing as issues coming from Tamra trying to take control of her marriage. What a crime. They are all so drunk and immature, oof.

So I was on Vicki’s side all night until the dinner story-time, after what felt like 4 hours of pregaming. I have yet to find a reason this season to really dislike Vicki and she seems to really want to make a change (insert “Man in the Mirror” lyrics here). So things get dicey when all the couples are sharing the story about how they met…and I have a feeling they have all heard these stories 234 times, but since they are all so drunk when they get together, I guess the details get understandably hazy. Alexis’s story is edited to feel like a ten minute monologue aaaand cut to Don and Vicki fake sleeping through it. Rude? Sure. But then things just get ridiculous and the women gang up on Vicki with the whole Florida issue coming up and how she doesn’t invite Don on every outing she goes on, and then Vicki makes the uber mistake of telling the women that they don’t work or have real jobs. I understand where Vicki is coming from, but that is a low blow and not true (insert every working mom’s argument here). Tisk tisk, Vick.

So then Vicki and Don leave, and keep repeating that they “don’t give a rat’s ass” about those people. Would they give a squirrel’s ass? A field mouse’s? I think that Vicki at least gives a chipmunk’s because she is crying to Don about how her feelings are hurt and she wants to be accepted by these people even though Don says they aren’t worth it. Seriously, can’t they get new friends outside of Bravo TV?

So Vicki and Don are done with the other housewives, the women are done with Vicki, and I’m done with Bravo promising me Jersey-size drama and not delivering. Although, Lynne was served with an eviction notice in the last second of the show so mayyyyyybe there will at least be some plate throwing next episode? Let’s hope.

Season 5, Episode 11: Nothing is as it Seems (originally aired February 4, 2010)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Isabella Vosmikova