RuPaul’s Drag Race: Gone with the Windows

Alright, superstars, this is it!!  Season 2 of RuPaul’s Drag Race.  We’ve already met the ladies, but we begin with the part of the show where everyone arrives to the set.

Heeeeeeey!!!!  Someone got a bigger budget this year!  The room looks much nicer this season.  Last season, the set cost $4.95, so I’m happy for Ru.

Nicole Paige Brooks is first, and she is talking about how she’s the quintessential Southern Belle.  Gag.  Shangela Laquifa Wadley arrives second.  I simply cannot handle that name.  Raven rolls in third, and she sort of reminds me of Madonna, circa “Rain.”  Jujubee is next, instantly reminding me of Suzanne Sugarbaker’s foster daughter, Li Sing, all grown up.

Sahara Davenport follows, and she and Shangela immediately start squealing like pigs.  You see, they know each other from college.  Aw, how sweet.  Morgan McMichaels comes in next, looking like a NASCAR whore.  Raven begins howling because she and Morgan are also are friends.

GIVE IT UP FOR THE BIG GIRL!  Mystique Summers Madison rolls in, looking like a broke down Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float.

Jessica Wild is next, and she says some shit that I can’t even understand!  Her Puerto Rican accent is so thick that I’m going to need an interpreter for this season.  Sonique follows, and Nicole knows her!  This is like that season of Big Brother 2, where all of the contestants were paired up with someone they knew.

Tatianna comes next, and she talks about going to high school in drag!  WHAT?!?!?! At my high school, there was some obviously gay guy who came to school with flowers painted on his legs, but even he didn’t dress in drag to school.

Pandora Boxx explodes through the door, and she describes herself as a cross between Madonna, Goldie Hawn, and Kathy Griffin.  That combination is a whole lotta woman.  Tyra Sanchez is the final arrival, and, boy, is she beautiful!  She admits that she also thinks that she’s the prettiest one.

After a She-Mail greeting, RuPaul (as a man) walks through the door.  He meets each of the girls and tells them all that they are gorgeous.  He’s nicer than me!  Some of these girls look like they’d be more at home in a kennel than on stage.  RuPaul tells everyone what the prizes are, but that’s when I was pouring my drink.  Sorry, folks, but I got my priorities in order.

RuPaul invites celebrity photographer Mike Ruiz (in a super gay tank top) out.  The first challenge will be a photo shoot based on one of Ru’s favorite movies:  Gone With the Wind!!!  YES!!!!   I hope the photo shoot recreates my favorite scene!!  No such luck.  Instead, the photo shoot requires each queen to straddle a cannon, sandwiched between two big half-naked muscle men.  One added plus, there is also a fan to blow the girls’ hair while posing.  This is no ordinary fan, either.  It produces hurricane-force winds.  This fan is the MOTHER of all fans, honey.  Eyelashes were blown all over, Morgan’s wig blew off, and Shangela nearly lost her boobs.

After the photo shoot, the girls all return to the dressing room and de-drag.  The most surprising transformations for me?  Jujubee and Sahara.  RuPaul and Mike Ruiz come out and announce that Raven is the winner of the photo competition.  Yay, Raven . . . I guess.

The elimination challenge of the episode is a continuation of the Gone With the Wind theme.   Because Scarlett O’Hara had to resort to making an outfit out of her curtains, the contestants will have to do the same.  RuPaul shows them a dozen sets of the ugliest curtains you’ve ever seen, and the contestants have to use the curtains for their outfits.   They can also use household items obtained from Out of the Closet.

Blah, blah, blah.  Shangela can’t sew.  Mystique can’t get the curtains to fit around her fat ass.  Tyra’s got a son!!  Morgan works my nerves.  These outfits are going to be a hot mess.

We return to the Main Stage!

RuPaul – dressed in her sparkly-est red gown – glides down the runway and introduces the judges:  Santino Rice, Merle Ginsburg (who was robbed, robbed of a win on Bravo’s Launch My Line), Mike Ruiz, and Kathy Griffin.

Runway Show:

• Tyra Sanchez – lookin’ good, girl!  The dress is very flowy, with two panels on the lower part of the dress that spread like a cape.  And she’s got on this great afro-esque wig.  She really is the prettiest one.  Ru cracks me up:  “There’s nothing dirty about this Sanchez.”

• Raven – Miss Raven is wearing a zebra-striped mini dress with a red stripe down the front and a big black belt.  She’s gone from brunette to blonde now with a Suzanne Somers-style wig.  She’s working it!

• Sonique – Sonique has gone completely tribal with an African-inspired outfit, complete with spear.  She’s pretty, but the wig veers into Kate Gosselin territory.

• Jujubee – She announces that she “wasn’t going for pretty.”  Well, mission accomplished, dear.  The dress is too long, the collar is frayed, and the wig is sexy granny.  C’mon, Jujubee.  You can do better.

• Tatianna – The dress is so ill-fitting and unflattering.  She looks like she’s carrying triplets.  Good thing she’s pretty.

• Sahara Davenport – This one looks just like Sheree Whitfield from the Real Housewives of Atlanta.  It’s incredible!  I wonder if it’s on purpose.  Who gon’ check me, Boo?

• Shangela (I just can’t type “LaQuifa”) – This is a bad prom dress with corn.  No, I am not crazy; I said corn.  She has corn cobs hanging off of the dress. Just bad.

• Jessica Wild – Jessica has completely worked it out!  The outfit is a little one-piece swimsuit-type outfit, with large fabric rosettes all over.  Trust me, it looks better than it sounds.

• Morgan McMichaels – It hurts me to say that she looks good.  The outfit has large shoulder poufs and an exposed midriff.  The skirt has a low belt and a long panel on the front and back.  Again, even I have to admit that she looks good.

• Mystique Summers Madison – Good Lord!!!  This dress is a MESS!!  It looks completely half-assed.  Worse yet, she’s wearing a giant lampshade as a hat with grapes hanging out of it.  GRAPES?!?!?!   Just when you start to get over how awful the outfit looks, Mystique decides that it is in her best interest to be memorable on the runway . . . so she does the jump splits.  Yes, the splits.  I think I heard the runway start crying when Mystique landed.

• Nicole Paige Brooks – I guess since she’s from Atlanta, she wanted to look like Mary Jo Shively.   She says that she wanted to look like a madam.  But not this one, I take it.

• Pandora Boxx – She’s wearing the red wig for Kathy Griffin and, doggone it, she does kind of look like her . . . only bigger . . . and more masculine . . . and in a bad dress made of curtains.

The following heifers are safe:  Jujubee, Tatianna, Raven, Sonique, Jessica Wild, Nicole Paige Brooks.  Raven complains that she wasn’t the winner.  I tell her to shut up.

Tyra’s gown is called unoriginal by the judges.  Shangela’s bust line is non-existent.  Morgan McMichaels’s outfit is compared to the classic Cher song, “Half Breed.”  The judges think Pandora Boxx is beautiful but boring.  Mystique Summers Madison’s personality endears her to the judges.  Sahara Davenport’s dress is too demure.

During private deliberations, RuPaul describes both Mystique and her split as “raggedy.”  HA!

After the judging, we find out that Morgan McMichaels is the winner.  Congratulations.  She also gets immunity for next week.  The bottom two are:  Shangela and Sahara.  DRAMA!  The two squealing friends from college will now have to face off . . . the time has come for you to LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!

The song: “Cover Girl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)” by RuPaul.  It doesn’t take long to get crazy.  Shangela rips her skirt off.  Sahara does the jump splits.  Pieces of hair fly off.  There are death drops.  Sonique describes it as looking like “Mortal Kombat,” and she is RIGHT!

Ultimately, Sahara is safe.  “Shante, you stay.”  Shangela must “Sashay away.”

Excellent.  I missed this show so much.  I’m expecting great things from this season, and it looks like I won’t be disappointed.  By the way, check out Logo’s website for all sorts of fun goodies.  You can see bonus scenes of the girls’ outfits, a vlog of the episode (NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR PEARL O’WISDOM!), among others.  My favorite thing, though, is the Dragulator.  Go play on it now!!

Season 2, Episode 1: Gone with the Window (originally aired February 1, 2010)

For more on RuPaul’s Drag Race, click here.

Mondays at 9pm(est) on Logo

Photographs courtesy of Logo Online and Mathu Anderson.